Stay at home Dad in Utah

[@cceptance]

Hi,

I'm a stay at home dad in Utah and may (or may not) be getting a divorce from my wife who I think may have BPD.

During our marriage I cheated on her six times over eleven+ years but never formed relationships with the other women.

I guess I need legal advice... .could I get full custody of my three children, 2, 4, and 6 years of age?  What would be my chances?  I also look at and masturbate to pornography but feel that I am not a sex addict because it doesn't interfere with my life.  I really don't think that my chances are good in this conservative/religious state.

[ForeverDad]

You've listed some potential negatives in a divorce, though you'd need a local family law attorney to advise you how much impact that would have in a divorce there.

In general, being a stay at home father (SAHF) would put you in a good position as providing a history of substantial parenting, perhaps even primary parenting if your spouse works away from home.  Also, even if you think some of your habits (disclosed or undisclosed) might gets frowns, concerns or worse from the professionals around court, the fact is that court is usually more concerned with parenting behaviors than adult behaviors.  However, expect that anything your spouse knows will be brandished about in court even if it is of lesser impact to the outcome.

I suggest you examine yourself and ponder how to address any behavior patterns your spouse might try to use against you.  In other words, be as squeaky clean as you can be, don't give your spouse any ammunition, whether they be nasty behavioral-grenades or the equivalent of spitballs.  Sadly, divorce is a very adversarial process, too often pitting one spouse against the other over the children and assets.

What are the positives of your situation?  Is your spouse a stay at home mother or does she work?  Can you describe some of her behaviors that indicate BPD and how her parenting is negatively impacted?

As for legal advice, we can't give that, we're not lawyers here, we're peer support.  Consult confidentially with a few local lawyers.  See where you stand, determine how to improve a better outcome in court, figure out some practical strategies.

Full custody is hard to get, though one parent may get TEMP full custody initially during the divorce process.  Courts will want real reasons why joint custody won't work, they're very reluctant to lock one parent out of the decisions of parenting.

Understand too that most states separate custody (major decision making) from the parenting schedule.  For example, my case.  My then-spouse started our with TEMP full custody and majority time.  Then two years later at the end of the divorce process we settled and had Shared Parenting (joint custody and equal time).  Her behaviors didn't improve and I went back and got full custody yet court didn't change the schedule.  So I had full legal custody ("custodial parent" yet equal time.  Her behaviors still didn't improve and so I went back yet again for majority time.  I got it but only during the school year.

Every case can be a little different.  Spouses are different, courts and lawyers are different, etc.