Withdrawing more and more from intimacy with BPD husband

[Xanadu]

Is it normal to become withdrawn in relationship with pwBPD? I am finding I do not want to participate in any physical intimacy with my husband. Although I continue to go through the motions because he insists on it. I dont know how or where to even begin with making a stand or setting boundaries. I feel like I have lost all identity. I have spent my entire life putting other's needs ahead of mine.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lakebreeze]

While I can't give you any advice on how to fix this situation you are certainly not alone. It hard to want to be intimate with someone who is regularly judgemental, critical and snaps easily. Not to mention the rages. If you gain insight please teach me how!

[Radcliff]

Hello Roxzan,

I am sorry you have to deal with this!  Withdrawing from someone in such a situation seems totally normal!  I hope you find as much support on these boards as I have.

The situation you describe sounds difficult, and I'm hoping you see some responses from women who have dealt with similar issues.  I have one thought from a man's perspective (less useful here, but I'm afraid that's all I can offer  and I apologize if you have already tried it.  Have you tried coaching your man on what things *do* make you feel like being intimate?  It may be romance, or simple things like fixing something for you, etc.  If he does something that makes you feel good, give him some validation.  It's tempting to think that he should have done that thing anyway, but men are simple creatures (at least I am  and it's helpful to make things obvious sometimes.  I realize this is a small tip, and dealing with a BPD spouse can be a huge situation -- I do not want to minimize your challenge with this narrow advice.  

I dont know how or where to even begin with making a stand or setting boundaries. I feel like I have lost all identity. I have spent my entire life putting other's needs ahead of mine.

Those words above struck me.  These are some heavy issues your facing.  The boundary and identity issues have been hard for me as well.  Reading and support from these boards can probably get you started on boundary setting, but for identity loss and a lifetime of putting your needs last, have you considered working with a therapist?  I tend to look at therapy as hiring a consultant to help with a particular set of challenges, and those two you've identified right there seem like a good way to get your money and time's worth out of therapy.  Best wishes, and keep us posted.

[Hmcbart]

I am sorry you are having to go through this.  I don't have the insight from a women's perspective, only that if a husband.  I agree with Wentworth on the coaching.  But also keep it simple because we aren't that smart.  I am dealing with the reverse of your situation.  My wife is never in the mood and it's me who wants it.  I am now finding that I am beginning to lose interest in that part of the relationship.  When I went from wanting it 2-3 times a week to 2-3 times a month and her only willing to try 4-5 times per year, its a big difference. 

The one thing I know is that it's her body and she sets the rules.  The same goes for you.  Finding where you draw the line may be the difficult part.  Unfortunately for you, your husband is not like my wife.  If I never bring up sex again she would happily do the same other than to accuse me of cheating, been through that one.

If y'all don't go to a therapist, maybe y'all should.  If nothing else it can help to be able to talk about things with someone else there to set the tone. 

I asked my therapist what she how she would help a couple if things were reversed.  If I was the one who didn't want to have the sexual relationship and my wife did.  She said that when it's the man who no lingers wants to try, it's pretty much over.  That's where I'm afraid I am.  Oh and you do need to put your needs first sometimes, especially right now.   I am living proof of what 20 years of putting someone else's needs first will do to someone.  You will lose your self esteem and it's difficult to get it back. 

[Xanadu]

Wentworth,

Those words above struck me.  These are some heavy issues your facing.  The boundary and identity issues have been hard for me as well.  Reading and support from these boards can probably get you started on boundary setting, but for identity loss and a lifetime of putting your needs last, have you considered working with a therapist?  I tend to look at therapy as hiring a consultant to help with a particular set of challenges, and those two you've identified right there seem like a good way to get your money and time's worth out of therapy.

Thanks for your comments... .I don't know if you will see this, but I tend to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with living with a BPDH and I have made myself busy the last few weeks, but I have been thinking about your comments this whole time.

I also think I wasn't ready to reply, I am still going back and forth between "Am I crazy?, he's been fine since his last blowout!, maybe there's nothing wrong with him... .maybe it's me" and "I can't believe I have spent my entire married life living with a crazy person and he's never going to be normal and I have to be the one as usual to make all the changes!"... .and I know I shouldn't say that... .but I just feel numb, sad, empty, hopeless, stuck... .and yes I have gone to therapy, most recently last June through Feb of this year. It was just this last June that I first heard of BPD and light went off! What a roller coaster my life/emotions has turned into, even more so than one I have been on all these years!

I quit therapy in Feb because I am independent in many ways, or maybe it's just plain stubbornness, but I think I have carried the burden of making this relationship work for 46 years so after learning a few more techniques to help me not be so helpless, unhappy, depressed, etc. I just decided I was as fine as I was going to be and it was just costing more money and my BPDH was not happy that I was spending money on a therapist. (He didn't even know I was going until 3 or 4 after I started.)

I have read SWOE and am in the middle of The Essential Family Guide to BPD, and have started the SWOE workbook. I have read numerous articles and watched videos on this website. I am becoming familiar with and educated on BPD, but I am realizing that it is an ongoing battle/challenge and sometimes I just want to run away and not deal with it, not ever! I do lots of things that take me from spending time with my husband, I work full-time, I have children and grandkids I love spending time with and the ones that live close by spend a lot of time at our house, I'm actively involved with my church, right now I go to crossfit 3x's a week with 2 of my daughters... .I just don't see that I will ever have a "close" relationship with my husband, so I look for other ways to fill that need. My husband has told me many times what a wonderful person, mother and grandmother I am, but that I'm not a very good wife and I agree with that, it is so easy to love those that are easy to love.

Also what sent me to the therapist this last time was some choices our son made. He has a very successful career, worked and studied very hard to get there, married a wonderful woman, had 3 amazing children and then went through some crazy times, went to clubs and his wife ended up getting a boyfriend and divorcing him. He was devastated, we all were, we all loved his wife dearly. He continued going to clubs and met a 26 year old, he was 40. Turns out she is a true blue narcissist! She has to be, she is crazy! I have never met anyone like her! She totally controls my son's life and has pushed his 3 children out of the home, I can give several examples of her clearly not normal behavior... .but it all came to a head when he let her talk him into marrying her because she wanted to change her name, she has a felony for passing fake $100 bills and also assault charges from previous relationships. She got pregnant a couple months after the marriage... .he filed for divorce 7 1/2 months later... .she was supposed to be out of the house today... .he can't do it, he doesn't want to be mean, she comes from very poor circumstances, no education, he love the baby who is now 4 months old... .I have to detach from this whole other roller coaster!

It finally hit me like a ton of bricks that my son was just like me! Which in the past I wanted for all my kids... .to be like me, not like my BPDH!  But now I realized, I don't want any of my children to be like me, an enabler!

This is what has been the hardest for me, I can live with my BPDH, but I don't want my children to live out their lives as I have.

[Radcliff]

Hello Roxzan,

I did get your post  There is a "new replies" link at the top of the message board page that I like to use to keep up with threads I've posted on.  Good to hear from you.

It's wonderful to hear that you have kids and grandkids close by, and that you get time with them and fulfillment.  I have three teenage daughters, and am hoping that somehow they land close together and I can see them often and spend lots of time with the grandkids.  In this day and age, that may be difficult.

I think all of us, in some way or other, are making the best of an imperfect situation.  You are fortunate to have many avenues for support and fulfillment, though I hope that through all of your research and use of this board, you may find some strategies that can improve things with your husband as well.  (I'm not sure how to write that so it doesn't sound like I'm telling you what to do, more of a supportive, ":)on't give up!"

I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties your son is facing.  I'm just starting to contemplate what path my children will take, and can only imagine how I'll feel if they end up in a tough place.  Best wishes for him, and to you in your support of him.

[badknees1]

Thanks to you all for discussing this subject. This aspect of my BPD wife and our marriage has been the subject of most of the arguments we have had in our 32 year of marriage. Because of my wife's rages and crazy making Behavior I had to emotionally than physically withdraw from her which of course caused more pain anger rage from her. I just lost interest in her because of there wear and tear on me. I admit it's wrong to do this to her but I had no skills to cope. The cost has been devasting to both of us the best I can do is to fake it... .and keep this relationship "theraputic". I do love her but have given up on the mutually loving physical intimacy people have. For most guys this would not matter... .but for me... .there is no intimacy after tearing some apart.