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Hardest time in my life. Need help.
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Topic: Hardest time in my life. Need help. (Read 620 times)
Haba
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23
Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
on:
July 15, 2017, 05:17:18 AM »
God! Hello to everyone. I found this website just yesterday even if I read about borderline personality disorder for long time. I just can't believe it how what I can find here fits my life. I'm shocked. Completely shocked.
I knew my girlfriend can have BPD since last October when after she kicked me out few times from her home, car, I just decided to leave her but I didn't want to break up. I just asked her to come to my place if she thinks it's worth to try to improve it.
We know each other nearly two years. I was a Polish traveler and met amazing kind beautiful Chinese woman who had a 3 years old daughter from previous relationship. She seemed to me to be from different world. So good and peaceful. I fall in love almost immediately but she refused me. I spent with her just incredible time. Then I left. I felt she touched my soul she improved me she showed me something about me I have never ever known. When I was going back home I visited her half year later. It happened again. I fall in love. I was sure she will reject me but she had some doubts. She almost started relationship with someone else but for some reason gave up this idea and looked at me. Since beginning it wasn't nice. She never lost her doubts about me. She was talking about her ex didn't want to show her friends she's with me. But after some time fully engaged in this relationship.
Somehow it wasn't even very nice but I was just waiting for person I have met half year ago. I guess I should give up that time when I got hurt and really didn't feel she loves me. But I didn't. For me she was like from a dream. So brave and wise so kind. I couldn't resist. I followed. I gave up everything and decided to move to China for her where she started some business. I tried to help her as much as I could but in reality without language I couldn't do anything she was happy for. And it started. Constant criticism. Blaming. Putting me down for anything. Furious angry attacks for nothing. I lost my reason. I just didn't know what's going on. She started to break up with me. I didn't want it. I understood recently I didn't have self respect so I allowed her for disrespecting me. But eventually as I said above I left. I believed she might realize she is wrong and change. She came to Poland after 1,5 month. I was so happy. But soon I discovered she didn't change at all. Instead of literally kicking me out from her apartment she started to breaking up with me every three days packing and leaving. Her behavior was so confusing. She was saying she wants to be with me forever she wants to have another kid with me but still doing such things. I realized again it can be impossible for us to be together. I'm to weak got hurt and she also wasn't happy of course. I decided not to go with her to China. It was very painful decision and I was extremely sad we can't be together. But she said she might be pregnant. So I have changed my mind and went with her. We discovered she's pregnant but her behavior has not changed. I felt really bad. Very scared. And she started to talk about abortion all the time. Making me lot of pain. Insulting me treating me really bad and finally in emotions I gave up. I finally understood her behavior is abusive and we have to stop it. With lot of pain I said it's beyond what I can stand. It was like that always. Two months with her and I was dead, out of reason and really broken. When I was alone I was missing her getting better and felt like this time we will make it good. Even if she was saying all the time about abortion about breaking up, things went really bad when I said finally it's enough and I can't stand it anymore. Her parents insisted her to make abortion. We went to hospital the same day. She was very aggressive verbally but we stayed together for two weeks till she recovered. Three days before my departure she suddenly changed her mind and asked me to stay with her. I should but I was so confused. I was so broken I felt it's manipulation it can't be true and I left but I really regretted my decision. Quickly after my departure wrote her message I want to come back and fix everything. She refused. She actually met with her potential partner with whom she planned to be before I came and we started relationship. Actually during the time when I was away she had some meetings with some man who wished to be with her but she always told me she is going for such meetings so I couldn't stop her even if it was painful.
I started to accept I lost her forever and felt terrible. But few weeks later she called me and told she wants me back. I was so happy. After a month I came back to China. Nothing was suspicious for me when we talked. She got angry two times but I got used to so much and she was very nice most of the time. But when I arrived I discovered another Shuwen. She was very hostile. She attacked me for anything. And started to break up with me and saying how unhappy she is with me. I couldn't believe it. Soon I realized she blames me for abortion. She didn't forgive me this even if it wasn't my idea. She became worst I've ever experienced with her. She started to talk we can't be happy and we should split up. Again slowly I started to realize it's probably time to give up. I was about to leave but I realized her period is getting late. I asked her to make a test. She said she's not pregnant for sure. We talked. We decided again to try. We talked sincerely about our feelings. She promised me not to break up with me and kick me out anymore. Next day I gave her pregnancy test and we found out she's pregnant. Next day she started serious fight for nothing. I just didn't know what to put in our new apartment next to table. I decided I won't listen to her when she's in such emotions. I told her to calm down and I left. She came in a moment and asked me to leave. My world collapsed. I gave her 2 hours to think about her decision. After this time nothing changed. I asked her 10 times if she's sure. Nothing. I said ok so I have to pack. I went to call my family and say what is going on. When she saw it she got angry. She attacked me completely furiously and hit me severely before I stopped her. I tried to calm down but it was too much for me. I told her in emotions we can't be together for this what just happened. She called her family. They asked her to make abortion and asked me to take responsibility for it. Then she called her employees. They came and they talked for an hour about situation. Nobody asked me anything and I didn't understand anything. She said that in local tradition is if a man is irresponsible as I'm now he has to leave money or leg. I was shocked. I asked if it's a joke. She said it's not. She has to make another abortion because of me so I have to pay for it. I asked if there should be police involved in this situation. She said I can go but when I wanted to go out she asked her employees to stop me and they did it. Then for few hours she was threatening me with death. She said I can't pay money because she wants me to bleed as she will be. She asked me to choose which leg I want to loose. It was nightmare. She just completely lost control and became like from a horror. Completely different psychopathic person. She said few times they will kill me. I was chatting with my family and asking them for help during this time to call embassy to call her her parents. I begged her not to go this way. After few hours her father called her and she said I can go. But I was scared to leave and I stayed. Next day she started to manipulate me. Trying to stop me. I was so scared. I believed I have to fight for my life and tried just to calm her down. But I lost my sanity completely. I was so scared. I felt like in movie Sleeping with enemy. I just didn't know what to do. She somehow forced me to be back into relationship. Saying something nice and then threatening me if I will leave. It was the worst experience in my whole life. And in China I couldn't do anything. She just laughed when I said I could make an report to police for things she made in my country. She never ever said sorry but just trivialize it. Of course I was responsible for all her behavior. My family and I got really scared. Few days later my visa was about to expire. I started to think about running away but I was scared. For some technical reasons we couldn't extend my visa and I had to leave the country. I almost bought the ticket when she called her parents and her father former politician late in the evening called head of police in province and said I can get extension tomorrow. I lied I have ticket already. I was just terrified. My brain didn't work properly at all. Even when I was leaving she threatened me again and I was not sure if they won't make any fake report to police and they won't stop me at the border. It was very dramatic but at the end I left country. First week we almost didn't talk. It was miracle I survived solo trekking in the jungle in Thailand where I arrived. I became somehow auto destructive in this way that I didn't care about my life. I think I might developed some anxiety disorder. I was just all the time scared. I decided to leave Thailand and go not far to Cambodia to visit old friend. After one week she got very angry. We started to talk. I called emergency line for victims of domestic violence in my country. Therapist told me it's very serious situation and I don't have any protection there and I shouldn't go back to China. He even said when I asked him how we can improve the situation to think if it's really possible to improve it after this what happened. I got angry but I also understand it's not safe for me there. I told her all this. I talked with her about emotional and physical violence. She blames me for everything and doesn't want to take any responsibility. I read a lot and sent her some articles but I got just hate and anger back. Name calling and so on. She started to breaking up again via phone. Two days ago she blocked her contact. But today her friend asked me about our situation. People there don't understand situation at all. Her parents even if they know she might have BPD as we talked earlier about it just hate me.
I can see she's waiting there for me. She's getting angry I don't come. I told her what I feel but she doesn't care and actually scares me even more.
For me I think I lost completely confidence I can do something good for her and we can be happy. It looks like I was a fool I believed I can manage. And for that reason I wouldn't dare to try anymore if we are just two especially because she doesn't want to take any responsibility for her behavior. So I know if I will come back I will be able to stand up again possibly a month and then I will fail but this time she won't let me go for sure. Therapist told me it's not safe to go there. He said it's a rule that without any intervention things will likely get worse. I can't imagine worse scenario except this it happens for real what she was saying.
On the other hand still there is love for her and I'm very sorry for what happened. I still have a dream we can be good even if people say I'm just completely naive. I think about the kid. It's very hard for me to imagine I may not see him. I know it might be better to give up and just have a chance to see him in the future and do something for him instead of going there and just loose my life or health. I just know it can't be the same way anymore and I don't know what to do. Chances she will leave China for me are very little as she is very committed to her new business. We can't receive any professional help there. She has to suffer a lot because yes I know how it looks like. I'm a psychopath who left her just because she's pregnant. Inwas scared of course of this situation it can be the same as last time. I was so irresponsible tomlet it happened. And I don't know what to do because maybe all people around are right I can't do anything. I also started to realize how she treated me. My hurt is growing. It's not the best time but I told her about it too. I'm hiding myself these days in a buddhist temple meditating swimming in the river playing with kids and volunteering as a teacher in one small school in Cambodia. Somehow I feel better but I just don't what to do. When I read your articles I just understood how wrong I was and how many mistakes I did. But also how much I suffered and how much she suffered. I don't see the light. And it's so sad. Everyone says it's nothing I can do and actually I'm very lucky nothing bad happened but I'm not lucky at all. I'm very sad.
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #1 on:
July 17, 2017, 11:40:39 AM »
hi Haba and
it sounds like youve been through an awful lot, and im sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you found us.
try not to beat yourself up. i think most of us arrived here later into our relationship, or even after it ended. we didnt know what we didnt know, but we can learn now.
do i have the situation correct:
- you are physically separated (shes in china and you are in cambodia)
- neither of you have any intention to move to the country that the other is in
how long has it been since you saw each other? did she end the relationship?
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and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
forlorn
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #2 on:
July 17, 2017, 12:39:22 PM »
Hi, Haba! Welcome. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. You've been through so much, and while I can relate to the pain you feel, I cannot even imagine how it must feel to be doing this in two different countries. Please be very careful. It sounds as if your pwBPD has political connections in her country, and that could create much difficulty for you.
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Haba
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #3 on:
July 20, 2017, 03:40:40 AM »
Thanks a lot for support and warm welcoming good people.
Yes. It's just insane what happened to us. I'm completely broken and out of reason.
I'm reading a lot these days and I realized I was doing exactly opposite what I should be doing. Sad.
I think I'm kind of nice-guy personality type who has lot of limitations. I trust people easily and believe they have good intentions and so far somehow it wasn't a big problem but now it is. I know she doesn't have wrong intentions neither but it was just like in all articles about relationship with BPD person. Lovely and just beyond words at the beginning but it didn't last long. Actually the moments of idealization are very rare now. I question myself know how come I was pushing so hard even if it was painful. I can't believe it but have to say it I developed codependency. I'm immature and have unrealistic views about love and relationships. Just fall in love and made commitment very fast and stick to the dream we both created we will have wonderful family and will stay forever together. I just can't believe it this dream is about to fell apart.
I understand more now. Still will discover many new things and will learn about new things but I just don't understand why it came so late. I was so blind in believe I can help her and I can manage to make us good. Gosh! Don't have words on myself.
Ok, but this attitude probably doesn't help.
She is about to start a new business in China. She works very hard for her dreams to come true. She is not willing to move now from China. She's thinking about education of kids seriously so wants to move in a few years to a country with better opportunities in this area. But definitely not now. I understand her. She invested lot of money of her parents in a hotel and she can't just leave it. Well definitely not because of me. Her parents are against our relationship and I guess encouraging her to forget about me and give up this relationship. They understand she might have some problems but in this situation I'm a bad guy who can't be trusted. Irresponsible and weak. Might be true. They believed I can help because I'm psychologist. But I got so scared after this experience and I'm still shaking. Really got paranoid.
I'm still in Cambodia. Tomorrow will be exactly four weeks I left. She cut me off a week ago. Her friend asked me what's my plan and I told her honestly what is my experience and what I'm having now. Somehow it looks like her friend wish us to be together and perhaps knows She wants me to come back. She's very sad according to her. She decided to keep this baby which makes me feel somehow happy even if the situation is really bad. When I think about this child I just forget about anything and I am very happy. But She said I lost her and the child...
The problem is I even wish to come back as soon as possible to her but I'm not sure if I can trust her. I never said I don't want to be with her. But after I left I felt really hurt and unsafe and told her which wasn't best thing to do she has take responsibility for what she's doing. I said the situation has to change because it's impossible to live this way. I'm not sure but she might not aware I really wish to be with her but how after that situation? I want to fix this problem and she just got angry. For her I'm irresponsible same for her parents so they push her to end up with me and maybe she just follows. But maybe I'm naive and she really thinks I'm not the person to talk with anymore.
She controls situation there. Nobody talks with me at all. Parents just hate me. Her friends will follow her and won't have a problem to hurt me if she will tell them to do so. This is what I found out last time. There is no protection whatsoever. They even said I can go to police but then I will have to face the consequences and it won't be good for me.
The last time when we split up after abortion she decided just before my departure she wants to be with me. I was confused felt manipulated and with lot of pain left. Tried to come back in a few days but she said no. She changed her mind after few weeks. She was sweet and nice on phone. Seemed like it's going to be ok. When I came back she started attacking me in revenge I left her and abortion is my fault.
I don't try to contact with her because I really don't know what to do. I asked her friend yesterday how's she and the baby. Pregnancy is hard for her but baby is ok.
Yesterday her mum arrived to take care of her. Her friend said she is depressed.
Her father is very influential person in their province. To me personally somehow psychopatic. Always very cold. No emotions and able to hurt his wife and daughter. And hmm yes if they want they can do anything to me. What I'm afraid of is the worst possible scenario. I'm coming back there. She's happy for short time as usual. Then it starts again and after some time I just can't stand anymore so I'm asking for break. Well in emotions I can even say I give up but I never wish to do so.
Somehow it looks like she ended our relationship. She went to no contact and she said goodbye and said before she will manage herself everything.
I love her I wish to have a good healthy relationship with her rise my kids but I can't find the way to make myself safe there. Maybe this relationship is just not available to me anymore but I don't want to let it go. Maybe I'm wrong but can't just imagine I won't see the baby (they decided it will be better for everyone if he won't see his daughter anymore but they). It looks like if I will go there I will take a great risk. All people tell me I shouldn't go back to China. I don't expect she will change straight away. I just think I can learn much more about the problems in relationship and don't fuel the fire anymore but make things better. I'm not sure if I can be happy but I know I won't be neither if I will let it go. She can be a good kind charming person. Unfortunately she is not interested in therapy at all and to tell the truth there are no chances in China to get help. Well maybe there are but very limited.
I lost hope I can do something to help. I know I can change only myself to make difference. I learn a lot these weeks but it's not easy to think it will be good. As I said I can't even feel safe there if she or her parents will decide to punish me. And God knows what they can do. I couldn't believe her friends will come out with the idea to cut my leg but they did. I also learned a bit about attitude of Chinese to foreigners.
Maybe I'm just paranoid but I they can easily make a fake accusation and put me in jail and for what I read recently about BPD hmm it sounds crazy but can happen. I guess I got paranoid.
It looked like she really enjoyed her control over me and talk about my death and blood. It was just sick. So I'm definitely scared. She never took any responsibility. Never regretted anything. Maybe even regrets she let me go... .Gosh...
More and more I realize I love her even if it sounds just insane. Of course I might be wrong and it's just addiction to her. But I just can't accept I won't be able to see my kid. It seems like I'm a dreamer and she is another one. And we dream about our beautiful life together but the reality is very different.
I'm not sure if I should try to contact with her or wait until she will make a step. She decided to implement NC. I guess she might be influenced by parents in this regard.
Then what to tell her. I was always honest with what I feel. I just don't want to face anything like that situation we had last time but I would like to try. Just can't promise her I won't fail again. I even told her already it might be a solution on the way but she said no.
I guess it can be worse this time. I can understand I triggered her reactions and so on. She was even shocked about herself for what she did. But I'm not sure if I can prevent it in the future. I read also about caretaker role. I don't know if I can if we have already such situation and trust issues. Well now it's even not sure if she really wishes to be together with me. For her parents it's unacceptable I left and I'm not coming back and they push her away from me. Last time they were unhappy I'm coming back. They also told her I can't really help her much in China so she should give up. I also think it's somehow true. We are in unhealthy relationship and she suffers a lot too. Instead of pushing her things she has to focus on issues we have. Me same. I just feel things went too far. I don't want to leave her even if I did. It's just so hard. On the other hand maybe she wishes so. And if not how to make it good.
I'm volunteering now and working with beautiful kids in Cambodia but I wanna leave tomorrow and in a week or so make decision where to go. China or just back home and start to push my things. I want to work hard now. I know I have to change a lot because I'm half responsible for what we have. I think I will wait and if not now maybe one day we will be possible. She said already she won't forgive me I left her pregnant but what could I do... I think I could act better of course but I did what I believed is right.
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Haba
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #4 on:
July 20, 2017, 03:53:18 AM »
Well actually I was completely lost after this story. Got paranoid. She threatened me continually for another few days. I was completely lost and I believed I had to run for my life. I didn't think at all what will be the best. I was just really scared.
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Haba
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Posts: 23
Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #5 on:
July 21, 2017, 09:33:29 PM »
I'm very confused. After a while I think I might be wrong. I have no right to say anything wrong about her father. Definitely nothing like what I said. Maybe he's actually much wiser than me and he knows better what to do and in fact never ever hurt me in anyway.
I can understand them they hate me. What I did for her daughter? Nothing really good. She had abortion with me. Now she is pregnant and I'm away. Actually they are very kind for me. I might be more angry than they are if I were them.
I truly don't want to make things worse between us anymore. The fact is I left her and I can imagine how she has to feel especially for the person who suffers from BPD. And she's pregnant. It wasn't my intention but I did it. I don't blame her for her abuse and violence. I guess I suffer a bit from some stress, anxiety disorder or so. I'm very paranoid. Obsessed with her, the problem and concern maybe too much about our safety now. I shouldn't expect she will make me feel safe now. Perhaps she feels much worse. But maybe she's stronger than me and she knows it's time to move on. She has no choice.
She went to no contact. She has to believe it will be better for her. Maybe she's just checking the waters and waiting for me to return and I'm just scared to go back without sense of safety. But perhaps in the last it's just manipulation and if so should I also resist and wait for her if she will change her mind and contact with me herself? I don't know but perhaps I should respect her choice and wait and focus on me and try to make myself stronger and better. It's just difficult because if I won't go back to her now I might not have a chance for this anymore. I can't control her. I don't really know what's in her. Perhaps she wasn't happy with me. It's not just BPD caused all this. I'm also very far from the one who can really contribute to her life and make it better. In reality I moved to China for her. I was trying to help her and had a plans for myself there but it all takes time and somehow I was dependent on her a lot. She was supporting me this time but we went to dead circle. For her it was not right time to do my things because her things are priority. I tried to put her needs in front of mine as she wished but it never made me happy and I became very bad helper. There was abuse in our relationship. There was love but I feel she doesn't know how to love. She's so scared of abandonment so instead of giving me love she tried to control me and tied me forever. But this way it doesn't work. I tried somehow too hard to fix our relationship. I didn't want to stop chasing my dream. I still don't want but the reality is we both can't live like that. I really don't know what should I do. All around say I can't just go back to China and think something will change. It's my wish but that's it.
Perhaps there wouldn't be any problem for me to get more emotional abuse and if she wouldn't threatened me with death, I would be right back on her side. It sounds insane but I guess so. I always felt it's not right but believed it's just sickness and it took me to nowhere and I feel bad so I wasn't good for her too. Now we had for the first time physical violence. It changed something in me. She gave me tons of reasons why she did it. I just felt really bad. Maybe she knows it's too much what it is between us. She asked me to come back but to tell the truth to me she didn't try too hard and didn't give me any sense of safety. From her correspondence I understood she might put herself into role of victim and made up a bit the story for people around. Said something that didn't happen change the sequence of events and somehow it's hard for me to come back. She might lose her hope. But maybe I'm just too paranoid.
It's true I left her so many times in such difficult times. Maybe this is why she made such choice and maybe it is actually good choice. It's so difficult for me to accept the reality we have now. I wish to come back but I'm scared. I'm also worried I'm to weak for her. I feel it's nothing I can really give her just emotional sensitive me who's wishing to be with her but can't really cope with the way she treats me and have to fail in the most inappropriate moment and that's why her reactions might be so intense and extreme. After some time I feel I can do better but the hurt she gets might be too much.
My biggest fear now is I might lose her forever for what I did. I don't want this. I want to save us and make us better. Perhaps she wished the same but for that amount of disappointment she has it can be enough for her and that's why she cut me off. She doesn't care about words but actions and I can't say I did something good.
My another fear is even if I will push things and I will come back the real problem of our suffering we won't be able to solve and at the end we will bring more tragedy into our lives as we had so far.
Somehow I feel encouraged by reading all the information on this site to not give up and try new things I learned here but still I'm very afraid we will just fail again and people tell me it can be really bad for me. For her perhaps too. I lost this comfort of trying to make it good after our last violent experience because I understood it can be dangerous.
Four weeks I'm away. We don't talk for 8 days. Her friend asked me about us. I don't know whose initiative was it. She might do this on herself.
I talked to her a bit and wished to tell her more but now she just had accident and I feel so sorry for her and definitely it's the worst time to talk with her about us. Perhaps it's even pointless. I was thinking to tell her how sorry I'm for what we have. I feel I still love her. She is caring my baby. The pain is overwhelming to experience our life this way. I hope brighter days will come to our lives and bring us some relief.
It's just almost like I'm having my BPD. When I have enough I'm pushing her away in worst moments to be pushed away. It has to be really painful for her. I just can't believe I can be so destructive and hurt her so much. She has really bad life with me. I lost confidence I can make her happy. I just wonder what best I can do right now to avoid more misery in our lives. She is pregnant. This kid deserves now some peace and love and care and not its mum fighting with its father. What best I can do for them?
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heartandwhole
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #6 on:
July 25, 2017, 03:29:02 PM »
Hi Haba,
I'd like to join the other members in welcoming you to the community. I'm very sorry to hear about your recent relationship struggles. It is so painful to be separated like that, especially as you know she is carrying your child.
You've found a great place for support. Members here understand and there are things you can do to help things get better for you. You are not alone—there is hope!
Quote from: Haba on July 21, 2017, 09:33:29 PM
I don't know but perhaps I should respect her choice and wait and focus on me and try to make myself stronger and better.
That is a wise thing to do, in my opinion. The stronger you feel, the better you will be able to respond to the situation in a healthy way.
Quote from: Haba on July 21, 2017, 09:33:29 PM
There was abuse in our relationship.
Perhaps there wouldn't be any problem for me to get more emotional abuse and if she wouldn't threatened me with death, I would be right back on her side.
Now we had for the first time physical violence. It changed something in me.
That is so difficult, Haba. And I can understand your feeling that it changed something in you. Did you have a lot of conflict in the relationship all along, or did it build up over time?
Quote from: Haba on July 21, 2017, 09:33:29 PM
I just wonder what best I can do right now to avoid more misery in our lives. She is pregnant. This kid deserves now some peace and love and care and not its mum fighting with its father. What best I can do for them?
I think first and foremost, take good care of yourself right now. Do you have supportive friends and family around you? Someone you trust to talk to about this? Are you sleeping enough, eating well, taking care of your body? It sounds simple, but these things are really important.
How many months is your partner pregnant?
Keep posting. We're here for you.
heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
lovesherfam
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
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Reply #7 on:
July 25, 2017, 04:24:27 PM »
I am sorry
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Haba
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Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #8 on:
July 26, 2017, 02:57:28 AM »
Hi Heartandwhole,
Thank you for your warm words and support. Yes this is good place to be now. I learn a lot.
Quote from: heartandwhole on July 25, 2017, 03:29:02 PM
That is a wise thing to do, in my opinion. The stronger you feel, the better you will be able to respond to the situation in a healthy way.
Yes I understand I should prepare for demanding of this situation and I have to take care of myself to be able to do so.
Yesterday I was a bit too excited about article about codependent and BPD relationships and just sent it to her via email. She answered she can't open it and asked me what is it. So we have contact now. I replied I want to tell her what I have understood these days. I prepared email but I didn't send it yet. I'm quite emotional in this message and full of hope but I really don't know if I should be. I have some doubts what should I really write. I want to know how she feels and how's the baby. I want to tell her what I think we experienced in our relationship and about our let's say personal disadvantages we both have that pushed us that far and what I think I should do. I want to take responsibility for all where we are and try to make things better and it's her choice what she's going to do. I'm trying to make this a warm letter to start things to improve but slowly without rushing anything and we will see what will happen. I feel a bit it's like opening something that can even kill. Goshh terrible...
Quote from: heartandwhole on July 25, 2017, 03:29:02 PM
That is so difficult, Haba. And I can understand your feeling that it changed something in you. Did you have a lot of conflict in the relationship all along, or did it build up over time?
Well there was never ever a physical violence before. Actually I got much more scared of her idea of cutting my leg with her friends. Pity she has such friends around. It's another thing the attitude to foreigners in China but it might happen everywhere. It just complicates safety issues too much. I really don't know if I can go easily to China now.
Yes we had lot of conflicts and misunderstandings from almost beginning but yes it was getting worse and worse. She was regularly breaking up with me. I had very mixed feelings about it. I believed then I didn't but during our last month together I believed again. I was pretty sure it's going to nowhere and she wants to stop it. She was really shocked she's pregnant. She was kicking me out from the car, her home, leaving my home. Criticizing, attacking, blaming. Regular rages without reason. I believed she has some problems and I thought she even needs me to help her. I went completely wrong in codependency.
Yes it wasn't nice time for sure. I was considering seriously split up two times. First time actually I did and we had abortion. It was very traumatic and I guess it made me feel it was mistake.
Second time before I got information she is pregnant again. I really have enough of her behavior and I can stand less and less of it. Now I understand I have really bad conditions to improve anything in China. If I will show up and she will continue mistreating me I will have to run again and it can be more difficult than last time which was extremely hard choice. I just felt like in thriller movie. Insane.
Quote from: heartandwhole on July 25, 2017, 03:29:02 PM
I think first and foremost, take good care of yourself right now. Do you have supportive friends and family around you? Someone you trust to talk to about this? Are you sleeping enough, eating well, taking care of your body? It sounds simple, but these things are really important.
Well I don't sleep well. I'm a bit tired of obsessed thinking about this problem. I've finished volunteering at Cambodian school and now I have too much time and getting tired of the screen. I'm reading and reading and it's good but might be too much. I want to move and now I don't think it's good idea to go back to her even if it is something she really wish and I also would like to be there but there is no safety feeling. I'm also realizing I didn't do good neither and has to get out myself from codependency.
I haven't seen my family for some time. I'm still in Cambodia with one friend. He gives me support but somehow he has his own experience and I don't accept his view I should just understand it's all over and say goodbye and just establish contact to talk about kid.
Quote from: heartandwhole on July 25, 2017, 03:29:02 PM
How many months is your partner pregnant?
She's 2,5 months pregnant. I think she believes I'm not going to leave her because I was always coming back. But it doesn't matter. Well she said once it was wrong idea to put herself into such position and she manipulated me with the pregnancy and abortion but I didn't promise her anything and didn't say I'll be back even if I really wish so. I just don't want to come back and experience exactly the same or worse as all people around trying to make me understand.
It's just unbelievable story for me. We haven't plan this baby but old habits and "luck" lead us to this point. I have to change and grow up myself and do my half to go further. I believe she also has her half to do and I know she has probably more difficult task and God knows what she's going to do about it. It's only her choice. I have hope but not everything depends on me. We have to get rid of this system we build and make some cleaning and put a new one. I understand it. Not sure if she will understand it. I also have to understand fully why I want to be with her so much even if it's a lot of pain. I also don't want to just leave and look at myself as the one who abandoned his lover when she was pregnant. She is a beautiful human being and she doesn't deserve to suffer. I understand it's sickness and it's nobody's fault but it's just not good. It seemed to be a beautiful romantic story. Now I have to accept the reality. I'm learning.
I know it can be hard and even not possible but I just don't want to give up and later say to myself I didn't make right choice. One day maybe I will have to give up. I know. But not without any efforts. I can see how much I can grow and hmm if her abuse will end up then I can see us quite happy with kids. But yes it's probably like climbing mount everest and you have to prepare for it and still pray to God to get to the top.
Thank you for support
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Haba
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23
Re: Hardest time in my life. Need help.
«
Reply #9 on:
July 26, 2017, 10:01:33 AM »
Quote from: lovesherfam on July 25, 2017, 04:24:27 PM
I am sorry
Thank you for your words. They mean a lot. Much more than I would expect. Really a lot now. Thank you
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