Is she crying for help?

[citizenn]

Hello everyone! I'd really like to hear your opinions and possible experiences about my situation. I am trying to be a good person and also to save myself from further madness and pain. So, the cut the long story as shortest as possible:
I met her, she chased me. She always had traits of BPD, but I ignored it (what a mistake!). I wasn't very open to the relationship, but she was so good and careful that I started thinking to myself "OK, she might be the one". I have never completely fell in love with her nor given myself completely, but I was there, sometimes solving some of her problems, sometimes romantic, sometimes just fair and honest. As time went by she started telling me that she's depressive, etc, that she has some issues, but I have never talked openly to her about it (another mistake!). After I went with my friends for a vacation, she started to push me away. I just couldn't get to her, she was still decent, but just there was no communication nor connection. I tried to communicate, to be there for her, but it all resulted in further push and pull dance. This period was my third mistake, I understand now, I weakened my boundaries. After a couple of months of this, she announced she needs a break of a week, because she's depressed and she needs to think what shall she do with her life. That week has passed, we continued to communicate, but no affection nor closeness. After a couple of months, she started to act a little bit strange, and after a month she told me she's seeing an older guy, with a lots of money. I must stress that she's very poor, and somehow, I can understand that she sees rich older man as her only possibility for a decent life. I am not so rich, nor I was ever too generous to her. I am very generous person, but I just wanted more time and connection to be established, because of her BPD traits I've never opened up to her completely.
Now I see her, she says she wants me as a friend, but that she's with this guy, and that he's her choice. And at the same conversation she says she's depressed, sad, not happy. I have never said anything bad about her choice, nor have discussed anything further, just keep telling her that I can't be her friend, because there's no trust anymore.
I know I couldn't be in a relationship with her at the moment. Nor I could offer her "safe life" and try to bring her away from that guy with that, because I don't want a relationship where I will be a saver - I want and equal roles. But, I just have a feeling that I should try to initiate that conversation with her, about how bad her choice is at the moment. And I am not sure should I do it? On one hand, I hope we could than have a honest conversation, and maybe in time, get at least close if not in a relationship again. On the other hand, I am afraid that she might be pretending, that she was always pretending, and that she's now just trying to use me as some kind of "person with understanding" and than insult me further with her story about how this guy is away better than me... .I don't know if you guys can understand my fears, but I tried to put them as simple as possible. Sometimes I just regret that I wasn't more in love with her at the beginning, maybe we just wouldn't get to this position if I was more open and haven't left to that stupid vacation with my friends.
So, any advice or opinion is welcome! Thank you all in advance!

[citizenn]

Can please someone answer, I really have no clue on this, and I am very sad for not knowing how to act! Thank you in advance for any advice!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi citizenn and Welcome! 

I'm sorry you had reason to find us, yet glad that you did.  There is a great deal of information and many helpful tools on the site.  Have a good look around at some of the articles and lessons available.  I recommend reading as much as possible to increase your knowledge as this helped me a great deal when making decisions about my r/s.  You'll also find that reading other posts will help you to see that you're not alone with your concerns and feelings.

How long were you in this relationship for?  It sounds like you care for this woman a great deal despite not falling as deeply in love as you believe you might have.  At the same time it would appear you're feeling some guilt about the way things have turned out, which is very common to experience during a BPD r/s.  There's a good article on this here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

It can help to identify the feelings you are experiencing that are behind your desire to possibly do more to connect with and be supportive of her.  You mentioned further madness and pain as being things you wish to avoid.  At this point, it seems that this woman has met someone else and plans to remain in that r/s from what she tells you.  In your post you say that you've told her you can't be her friend.  What role do you see yourself playing in her life?   

To answer you directly about how to act, my advice would be to not rush into anything either way right now, but to take a little time to think about what you want, learn all you can and keep posting here before deciding what to do.  Perhaps you could share a little more of your story with us.  How have you left things with her?  From your post it sounds like you see each other in person.  If so under what circumstances?

Love and light x

[citizenn]

Hello and thank you for your reply! I'll try to answer some of the questions you mentioned, mostly in order to try to clarify my own feelings, but maybe someone will react and give some thoughts as well. Anyway...
I understand the FOG model, and surely there are some of the issues about it in our relationship. Because of that, I haven't been opened to her completely the whole time, and now I regret that even more.
I can't say nor have a feeling that I actually care about what kind of our relationship would be in the future. The only thing I am looking for is honesty and respect. I've stayed friends with a lots of my exes, so it wouldn't be unimaginable to be a friend with her in the future, but now I am just looking for a right thing to do - should I jump into friendship mode now, and although it hurts, it will bring at least more honesty, or should I stay angry and insulted for more time. Sometimes I feel like a friend, sometimes I feel like a betrayed lover.
We work at the same building, so we see each other occasionally, she always tries to kiss me in the cheek and hug me, and I don't let her do that, because it insults me that she behaves like everything is OK. We had no contact for about two months before that. But now we talk.
What insults me most is that, during our relationship, she always said she couldn't have a relationship with a guy just for money, and now she's doing exactly that, telling me that, and I try not to offend her, so I keep my mouth shut. But that's exactly why I have a feeling that she's crying for help in a way... Like wanting me to react to that. But I am afraid that if I react to that, I will just push her further.

[Emotions]

What do your instincts tell you? Being a friend with someone is never bad, unless of course the friendship makes you feel bad... .you should maybe think about your "boundaries" and what your needs are, once you figure out what they are, offer support and guidance to your friend, but if she starts to take advantage of you, speak up for yourself, remain patient and loving, but firm in your needs. Good luck