Coping Strategies for Elderly Mother with BPD

[RideauGirl]

I'm 50 years old with two brothers (52 and 45).  Our father passed away 7 years ago.  We grew up with a difficult mother but it wasn't until I started therapy after my dad died that I was able to put a name to the issue with our mother.  I realized then that she suffers from a personality disorder (perhaps a combination of BPD and NPD).  My brothers and I have all suffered from this and coped mainly by flight.  I live 2000 miles from her and they moved 600 miles away to raise their families.  We all still have a relationship with our mother but it is amazing the gut wrenching anxiety her voice can cause in each of us when she calls or the stress that we suffer when she comes to visit.  She is now 75, very healthy, but is lonely living on her own.  I do feel for her and would like to improve my understanding of her condition and develop strategies on how each of us can cope with her. 

My brothers did not see that side of our mother for years and thought that I was crazy when I told them that she had mental health issues - however, since they married and had children of their own, and were no longer able to cater to her wants and needs she began to treat them as she used to treat me.  I now get calls from them telling me about the latest visit and crisis.

I am hoping that the forum will have others in similar circumstances and can provide advice for us.  I have not spoken to her directly about this issue or confronted her.  I was wondering if this is recommended?  Thanks.

[Turkish]

Hi RideauGirl,

Though I'm not glad that they are dealing with what you have dealt with,  I'm glad that you don't feel so alone anymore. 

Growing up,  were you the "fixer" in the family,  perhaps an undue burden placed upon you,  or The Peacemaker?

While it's good that your brothers finally see what you've seen for so long,  it's not your job to fix their relationships with mom.  Listen,  and offer advice,  sure,  if you feel comfortable with it,  but intervening,  especially trying to get mom to change? Sounds like undeserved stress upon you. 

The Lessons at the top of the board can help,  especially the Drama Triangle: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Take a read and tell us what you think.

T