Depressed

[WitzEndWife]

Does anyone ever get so depressed that they're tired of trying to find solutions? I feel beaten down, stressed to the max, and unable to enjoy anything. My new home is still in shambles, with boxes everywhere. H isn't helping financially or around the house at this point. He's keeping the kitchen clean. That's it. Just the kitchen. Everything else is MY job. Plus my 10-12-hour day job is my job too. I'm exhausted. The only thing I feel like I have energy for anymore when I come home is nothing.

Is this common? How do you get out of feeling like this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I think burnout is a real concern for anyone who is in a caretaker role, whether a physical or emotional caretaker. To me this is usually a sign that I have not been taking care of myself. What are you doing for you to get a break or have fun?

[flourdust]

Agreed with Tattered Heart.

When I was in a similar circumstance (except that my wife didn't clean any room at all, and there was also a child to take care of), I coped by shrinking my circle of responsibility. I cooked. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathrooms, and my side of the bedroom. I took care of the kid's needs. I took care of the bills. And I worked full-time, of course.

So, if you envision all of those other responsibilities being a softball that your husband is tossing to you, rather than catch it ... .just let it drop on the floor. Don't overextend yourself to rescue him.

Some people are able to find ways to make this work long-term. There's one member here whose husband basically lives in the detached garage that he's made into his studio. She takes care of the house and doesn't cross the threshold into his self-made pigsty. For others, it's a short-term fix -- the growing mess is unpleasant, but you can ignore all but the essentials for a while until you figure out what your long-term plan is going to be.

[WitzEndWife]

I told him that his last credit card bill was the last one I was going to pay. He said, "Okay," but I'm not really sure if he thinks I'm going to be able to be pushed over or manipulated next time. He constantly tries to manipulate me into spending more money. I told him I wasn't going to pay anything more for his car, and I wasn't going to pay anything more for his credit card. That's a start, but he's always saying, "We need... ."

It's frustrating, and then on top of that, the boxes and boxes of stuff just make me feel overwhelmed. I can do nothing there, sure, but it's not really helping me. It's a fine line because there are things I want to take care of for me, but I also feel stretched too thin.

Sigh.

[Tattered Heart]

Is there a place that you can put his stuff that he refuses to pick up?

For instance I was having difficulty with the fact that my H would not hang up his clothes or even remove them from the laundry room. I removed the basket from the laundry room where his clothes were piling up. When laundry is done, I separate my clothes out and hand him a huge armful of his own clothes. He will take them to a basket in the other room and just dump his clothes in there. Sometimes he gets in trouble at work for having wrinkled clothes. A few weeks ago one of our cats was having issues with a UTI and began peeing on his clothes that spilled out onto the floor. When I suggested that hanging up his clothes would help resolve that issue, he still didn't do it. He began trying to pile his clean clothes on counters around the house. When I find them, I just take them to his pile and dump them in the pile.

IT's also important that you take time for yourself to relax. Moving is stressful, but are you doing anything for yourself to enjoy the new environment?

[isilme]

Yes - I think it's common to get worn down.

Triage.  That's pretty much what we all have to do.  pick the things that YOU need to do, for real need to do.  Pick the things that will help YOUR well-being, and allow the rest to sit until you are good and damn ready to do them, or he finally does them.

How many boxes are joint or yours?  Can you decide to tackle one a day/a week, and allow yourself to feel good?  Can they be combined into fewer boxes just so your neat-meter registers an improvement?  When we last moved, I did pretty much the brunt of packing and transporting and unpacking - we were just moving about a mile away from old place, so we used a U Haul for the big stuff for 2 days, and he helped, and then the rest was pretty much me, back and forth, load car, unload car, 2-3 loads a night after work, then clean old place.  After I ended up with a bunch of half full boxes, I started to simply dumpt them together just to feel better there were fewer boxes lying around.  Also, I started putting them into the "office", the second bedroom, to keep them out of daily sight until there was time to get to them.

I think I am in the same boat as many, many people on here.  Especially the laundry issue like Tattered has mentioned.  H will NOT put his laundry away.  He has an almost system, that involves one "clean" hamper for his underwear and socks, and two dirty hampers for the clothes he wears during the week, and a pile next to these hampers for his "clean" outer clothes for work and leisure.
 
He has space for about 85% of his clothes to be put away, and then he'd need to get over his hoarding and let the rest go.  This made some progress a few months back, but it's still a struggle, so I do my clothes, put them all away (or stack what I get too exhausted to put away in my own space until I can get to them), and dump his in one of the two "clean" piles. 

Most days I feel it's a miracle H even makes it to work.  So I try to praise that, and then treat the rest of household chores as I would were I single with someone making more trash and using more dishes than a single person would.  I let things slide as I need to, keeping up with my personal pet peeves - make the bed.  Clean towels.  Clean dishes without a huge pile in the kitchen (unless I get sick).  Lawn can wait as needed.  Trash needs to go out, pets need to be cared for.  H's crap - his own deal.  I have gotten good at segregating art supplies and my craft items, so his mess is his mess.  My area is usually more or less clean and I ignore his spaces. 

[WitzEndWife]

I'm trying to just do what I can and stay in my own lane here. Some days I feel so beaten down. It'll be good when he goes away for a couple of weeks to visit his mom. I'll probably be able to get some energy back there.