First time post

[PsycheLynn]

Hello. I'm 50 yrs old, mom of 5 boys, (ages 31, 30, 27, 22 and 17-two of these men have battled cancer), grandmother of 4. I have been married for 32 years to a person diagnosed with BPD (11 years ago). I am not doing so well. Recently, my husband relapsed into alcohol abuse and had become threatening and verbally abusive. I have a network of support including family and neighbors. I have had some therapy and used many resources, books, videos, this website to help... I am still very isolated in the troubles and am feeling exhausted. I feel like I want to give up on working on this relationship... .this is all I have for now.

[babyducks]

Hi Lynn,

I am glad you joined us.   We understand how incredibly exhausting it is to live with some one suffering from the traits of BPD.   It does drain a person.


You mentioned threats and verbal abuse.    That's very tough to deal with.   Especially when our own emotions are involved.     How are you doing on diffusing the conflict?   I know that's hard to do.

When you are ready let us know how we can help.   We can always provide a friendly ear from some one who has lived what you are living now.

'ducks

[pearlsw]

Hi Lynn, Wow. 36 years is a long time and only 11 with the diagnosis. I am sorry you are feeling so isolated and exhausted. I know how hard that is. I am only 6.5 years into this and it feels like so much longer, and sometimes makes me wish life would just end already. It just goes on and on.

Keep safe. It sounds like you generally have a good support system and even therapy, that's great. What are you needing now? What more do you need to help counter the isolation and exhaustion?

I am in a small village in another country. I am planning to just go sit in a church this weekend to at least give myself that - a feeling of human kindness and a feeling of protection. 

I fear that the issue with alcohol could force some big changes, tough decisions. Is that right? Your safety and that of your family is crucial. Has your therapist or family offered ideas? Wishing you peace, stay safe!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lynn, Welcome!  My BPDxW was an alcoholic and I suspect it's fairly common for those w/BPD to attempt to soothe their inner turmoil through alcohol or drugs.  Alcohol also seemed to trigger my Ex in terms of her abusive side.  It's not fun, I know.  It's normal to feel isolated and exhausted, because BPD is so far outside the realm of what most can relate to.  Plus, it's tough to make headway with such a complex disorder.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Suggest you treat yourself with care and compassion.  What is the right path for you?  What would you like to see happen?  Those are key questions.  If you are unsure, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[PsycheLynn]

Thank you, pearlsw, 'ducks and LuckyJim. Thank you. I'm doing better. I have moved myself into another room of the house. I have strong boundaries about what i will and won't discuss and have limits on time with my SO. He is compliant with no alcohol use at this time.  I am back in counseling. I am not, at this time, choosing to leave this marriage... .my 4th son is getting married Aug 13. Our 5th son starts his Sr year of high school this fall. My SO has agreed to see a counselor and has an appt tues. It's important to me to keep things together now for all of us.
I am very conflicted. I really want to be hopeful that somehow this relationship can work. I am focusing on being present for my kids and grandkids and being good to myself. I had a dream of a young, thin, sick looking boy in a dark alley. He was standing in his own filth not moving. In my dream, sorrow and grief pierced my heart but I looked away and kept walking. I think my dream means my heart is letting go of feeling like I have to help my husband... .
I don't like how any of this feels.
Thankful for all of you.

[babyducks]

Hi Lynn,

Congratulation on the wedding of your son.   That's a big event.

The idea of helping, or when to stop helping is something many of us here struggle with.   Where is the difference between enabling,... .care giving... .and care taking... .

What about this feels the hardest to you?

'ducks