Hello
I've been posting on the Detaching board but this morning I received a reply that made me think about things differently so I thought I'd ask for some advice here.
The whole post is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312282.0This is the reply that has made me think and my reply, you don't need to read the whole thread to get the sense:
Hullo La Carotte, if she comes and goes "literally a hundred times,"isn't that a sure sign that an intermittent relationship is her comfort zone, or the best she can do? I'd venture she uses words to the contrary, but those are just words. After all, this is BPD, with defining traits that classically include patterns of unstable relationships.
Doesn't that present a series of finite choices? We can either accept that intermittency is their "Tao" and make peace w that due to their having, BPD, or we can refuse that as not being a good enough match for our desires, or like Syssiphys we can keep on reconnecting, wishing for a different outcome (stability), but never getting the outcome that we want.
I think it is that third outcome that is the most damaging to our psyches. Because it plays upon our deepest relational aspirational wants and dreams. Tho, when the evidence of intermittency is undeniable--clear perception is the required barometer to test the relational atmosphere. We all feel lonely and sad sometimes, but the decisional options when involved with a BPD remain constant regardless of our changing feelings/moods. Our free will remains present despite what allures. So, there are distinct finite choices. I wish you peace.
Conundrum, thank you so much for this perspective, which I've never considered before.
I am definitely Syssiphys in this situation and it is definitely damaging my psyche.
So that leaves me two choices and in truth, I don't know which is the one for me.
In fact, the intermittent nature of things wouldn't be too terrible in some ways as it gives me breathing space and time to connect with friends, do hobbies, which I can't do when she's on the scene as she demands all my attention.
The problem with it is that each time she disappears again it's always in a cloud of verbal abuse and accusations and this is definitely the last time, I am the vilest person ever to walk this earth, I'm ruining her life. And even that wouldn't be so bad as, like you say, it's just words. But. She believes it and so often goes looking for my replacement because she can't bear to be alone. And I can't stand that. And when she does come back she projects all that on me, and can't cope with the fact that I just get on with my life now and she has no control over me (although not with replacements, I have no interest in others like that) and so gives me a hard time about whatever I do when she's not in my life.
It's hard for me to see that ever changing really, which then brings me back to the need to walk away.
Whatever, you are entirely right that keep hoping for a different outcome is not the way.
You've given me a lot of food for thought, Conundrum, thank you.
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So I suppose my question is that do you think it's possible to get to a place where we both just accept that we're in it for the long haul intermittently, or is that me still not accepting things as they are? And is a relationship like that genuinely sustainable long term anyway, for either or us? Any thoughts and advice would be gratefully received.
Thank you.
