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Author Topic: I have been with a BPD sufferer in a cycle of relationship for 6 years help  (Read 1281 times)
Unsureofmyself

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: July 14, 2017, 02:29:48 PM »

Hello all

I need some help and support from others who have experienced similar things to myself. I have had a make up and breakup cycle relationship for 6 years with a BPD sufferer. I have literally provided and enabled him and I just feel so stupid as I genuinely beleived he cared about me and now he has left and discarded me and said that he will never feel the same way about me as I do him and he was living a lie and blocked me on every form of communication. He has done this before over 5 times however none of those times it felt like this. I now feel used and manipulated and I am struggling to see how I will get over this as even now I am still idealising the relationship and him. Please help. He would frequently use drugs and ignore me, he gambles , drinks , binges on food, used me for money and a place to stay while he had no employment. And I feel pathetic. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have struggled to let go and come to terms with how toxic the relationship is. I am a smart person in other ways and logically I know that he isn't a good person and that I would be better off without him but something always pulls me away from wanting to let go of the relationship?
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« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2017, 03:29:03 PM »

Almost everyone here has been through something similar... .I certainly have... .it sucks, but it gets better... .keep your head up.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2017, 03:37:15 PM »

Hey Unsure, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar.  You could say it runs with the BPD territory.  A BPD r/s is similar to an addiction in the sense that you know its bad for you, but you still can't stop participating in it.  It's a cycle, as you note.  Until you decide to get off the roller coaster, the cycle will continue.  The way forward, I suggest, is by putting yourself first.  Return the focus to yourself and what is the right path for you.  What are your gut feelings?  Suggest you strive for authenticity.

LuckyJim
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Unsureofmyself

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« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2017, 03:43:59 PM »

How do I ensure that I don't let him back in again. Isit bad that I actually want him to return Which I'm sure he will when his new endeavour or dream falls apart I just hope that I'd be strong enough to tell him I don't want him. That just makes me a horrible person but I feel like after everything I just want him to end it myself and feel back in control. Sounds silly.

I just know myself and all other aspects of my life are great for me apart from the fact I've played a part in destroying them due to the fact nothing felt more important that tending to my ex partners needs and forgetting about my own. I feel your advice is useful about concentrating on my own needs but it's like i now find that hard because I've been looking after and caring for someone else for so long. I've been living by his demands and his control in a way and now I just feel like I don't know what to do because nobody is telling me what to do.

I'm usually strong is some ways and I have come through all sorts of challenges but this is one person or situation I have never been able to conquer.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2017, 04:46:22 PM »

Excerpt
I feel your advice is useful about concentrating on my own needs but it's like i now find that hard because I've been looking after and caring for someone else for so long. I've been living by his demands and his control in a way and now I just feel like I don't know what to do because nobody is telling me what to do.

Right, it will take time for you to regain your sense of self.  Your description (above) is that of a classic case of codependency.  Most of us Nons, including me, have codependent tendencies; you sort of have to be codependent to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Have you done any research or reading about codependency?  It involves putting the needs of others ahead of our own, even when it's detrimental to ourselves.  Believe me, I did it in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW so you are not alone.

As I suggested, the first step, in my view, is to resume caring for yourself and paying attention to your own needs.  If you are unsure what to do, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  It's about self-care: treating yourself with kindness and compassion.  What is the right path for you?  What would you like to see happen?  Put yourself first again -- You get the idea.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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Mutt
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2017, 05:30:39 PM »

Hi Unsureofmyself,

Welcome

Don't be hard on yourself, I completely understand how difficult it is to get off the emotional rollercoaster with the push / pull behavior from a pwBPD. You could set a boundary on yourself that you want to commit to detaching from your pwBPD?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
FSTL
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« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2017, 03:45:49 AM »

Summoning to strength to keep up boundaries when they inevitably come back is incredibly hard. We all know what the right thing is (to shut them out), but the emotions take time to catch up.

Don't be hard on yourself - you will see many other people on here struggling with similar (if not identical) problems.

Life is a journey, not a destination, and with time and a bit of self awareness, you'll free yourself from your pwBPD and hopefully come out the other side a lot stronger. One definite benefit of the experience is you'll be well armed to avoid another pwBPD and find a healthier way of living for you.
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Unsureofmyself

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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2017, 04:36:00 PM »

Hello all thanks for your kind words and support your completely right and I now starting to understand that I have my own issues I need to work on. It's hard for me to understand codependency as I have had a perfect upbringing from two parents who have provided a great life for me however I did suffer from quite a poorly childhood where I had multiple hospital visits and open heart surgery and maybe due to this my issues where born with attachment I am unsure. Other than this I cannot think of anything my parents did which could have triggered my codependency issues.

I have been reading up of the diagnosis and nature of the illness and found an interesting post on the characteristics of the disorder and has helped me to understand the why's www.gettinbetter.com/casanova.html this is the reading I have completed. I've have today hooked up with old friends who I had neglected when with my ex BPD and have started to put things into perspective. I have also made a promise to myself that I will do at least one thing a day that is for myself and no one else. I am based in the U.K. I am thinking I should maybe get some therapy to work through my issues to ensure I set myself healthy boundaries how does one go about arranging a therapist ?

Many thanks for your help
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« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2017, 04:53:22 PM »

Seeing a T is a good idea. Members come from different backgrounds, not everyone are codependent on this board.
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« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2017, 05:40:06 PM »

Unsureofmyself I am so sorry you have and are going through this. If you would have known it would have turned out like this, I am sure you would have steered clear. But these pwBPD have a way of hooking us NONs and leave us feeling exactly how you so well described.

Welcome and thank you for sharing.

I won't go into my story but I will state what I did to get through this. First keep posting, you help yourself and you help others. I try to learn as much as I could about this mental instability and when I heard over and over again and read repetitively the same things from different sources about Cluster B mental disorder traits, this gave me great understanding and a sense of closure.

In this journey you are on you will discover a person with these traits will always be incompatible with a NON. This journey will involve tears, sadness, hurt, pain, loneliness but this season will pass and there will be a new day and you will rise above this with wisdom that only is gained by your experience with a pWBPD and getting through this.
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earlyL
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« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2017, 07:01:04 PM »

Hi unsureofmyself,

I want to say welcome also and sorry to hear of your story, I can relate to that pain and turmoil you are in, I really recommend reading and posting here as much as you feel you want to, it has been an invaluable comfort and learning place for me over the last six months.

I am in the UK and would highly recommend seeing a therapist, I had not done so before and I would advise everyone to get therapy even if they don't feel they need it! You can go through the NHS - with your GP but it takes six months on a waiting list, if you can I would say go private, even for now, and then go on the waiting list. I googled some near where I live and found someone, then you have an initial meeting, it is really important that they feel right for you. I picked someone older purely as I felt they would have more experience and she is brilliant. If I had put her in a line up in front of me she would be the last person I would have picked to be a therapist, something that makes me smile when I see her. The cost can be between 60 - 80 pounds a session, either 40 or 50 mins. My therapist did double sessions when I first started seeing her, I found out my ex had been seeing someone else and I was in a really bad way. I used to go weekly but am now more twice a month. 

I hope that helps, it has helped me untangle my brain enormously.

EL
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Unsureofmyself

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« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2017, 03:26:20 PM »

HELLo thanks for your kind words logging in to here after a hard day at work when my thoughts wonder too him really do help. Somedays I feel so upset somedays I feel angry some days I just want to curl into a ball and not feel anything just shut it all out. I find that reading is helpful too and it's nice to know I am not alone. I am thinking of going on holiday soon on my own just to take a time out to heal and find myself again however I am a little scared but feel it will be good for me.

I keep thinking about all the nice things I did for him and now that's just irrelevant and pointless and that it was a waste of energy I feel cheated out of it all because he claimed at that point I meant the world to him and he loved me then I feel like I've literally been conned. I frequently bought him gifts one of the things I bought him was his mobile phone. Ironically the phone I bought him is now the phone he has blocked my number on how ironic is that. It makes me feel sick when I think about it. I was literally asking myself earlier if I still loved him however I just feel sick and numb in a way. I'm not really sure how I feel. I don't really miss him being here in the most as majority of my time was spent pleasing him for example cooking for him going to the shop for him, giving him attention all I know is that it feels quiet now very quiet and that something is missing. However I am not sure if it is a I want you back missing him it's more of an awareness that he's gone and I no longer have to do anything anymore. Of course I miss the good timeS but even now I still feel like the good times were just fake because he clearly didn't feel the way I did it was just an act. But then sometimes I wonder can someone be that good an actor. Not sure if that even makes sense but most things don't.
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