Treatment for co-dependency

[mary2000]

Has anyone been successfully treated for co-dependency?  I was wondering what works well.  I'm pretty sure that I have a number of those traits, which is making it more difficult to detach from my husband who has filed for divorce.
Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mary, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce.  Do you suspect that your H has BPD?  If so, what were the red flags for you?  Most of us Nons have codependent tendencies because being in a BPD r/s often involves caretaking our BPD SO, so you are not alone.  How long have you been married?  Do you have children?  Fill us in, when you can.  That you can acknowledge that you have some codependent traits means that you have the capacity to change your behavior, in my view.  The first step, in my view, is to return the focus to you.

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mary and Welcome!  

It's nice to meet you.  It is admirable to have this awareness about yourself and to want to alter these things.  Kudos to you.  To answer your question, I have had a life long pattern of codependent relationships that haven't served me and have literally been very destructive in fact.  I can't say that I have the magic cure, however I agree with LJ that the first thing is to begin to focus on yourself.  This can be difficult to shift your attention from another when it has been your sole focus.  It is like breaking any habit.  

For me I had to go cold turkey on the caretaking and switch my worrying brain off by getting busy with things that are positive for me.  I've done some learning and re learning to invest in my own well being, addressed physical health and mental health issues, secured counselling and long term psychotherapy, begun to practice mindfulness again and am working on loving myself.  Also learning to say no if a request is something that puts me out, whereas in the past I'd have put myself out without even thinking about it and then felt resentful and overstretched later.  The smallest steps add up over time.  I've also bought a couple of books to read that are recommended a lot on here - The Human Magnet Syndrome and Co dependent No More.

I'll look forward to reading more of your story and wish you all the best.

Love and light x  

[JQ]

Hi Mary & welcome to the group~!

I'm glad you found us ... .you're among friends that won't judge you so feel free to tell us what you want when you ready. We've been where you are in most cases including your's truly.

Lucky Jim has asked some amplifying questions so I forgo those but H.Q. has offered some great guidance that I will echo. As she points out there is no magic bullet ... .but I've read the same books as she has and I like her & many others have therapy under out belt. Learning to say no goes against our grain ... .but it can be corrected.

The thing about being a "Codependent" is that it is learned behavior and therefor can be "Unlearned" with as she points out, Self care, self awareness, some therapy, practiced mindfulness and learning to like yourself ... .love yourself.

Learning about boundaries and putting them in place will help with saying NO is probably one of the toughest things to learn ... .but like H.Q. it can happen ... .baby steps ... .one foot forward at a time.  Boundaries is an important part in all of this. There are those that I'm sure you've already experienced that will continue to drain you of everything that you are ... .will ask you of things, demand of you, beg you, to do XYZ, give them this or that, take them here or there ... .they will never stop until YOU put in YOUR boundaries.  It's ok to be selfish every once in awhile.

YOU need to take care of YOU first. It's called the 51% rule ... .you learn to give 51% of your effort, energy, love, kindness to yourself ... .than everyone else gets the rest of the 49% divided up anyway you choose to do. If you go below that 51%, you will continue to drain yourself of your energy and no one will benefit from you if you're at 39% ... .especially yourself.

Like the others I look forward to hearing the rest of your story. Come back as often as you need to ... .but really come back as often as you want too. Someone will always be here to pull you up ... .dust you off & pat you on the butt so that you get started back on your journey ... .we can't walk it for you but we can be there to pick you up when you need it.

You're on a good path on your journey Mary ... .   

J

[Turkish]

What leads you to believe that you are codependent? Codependency bordering upon pathological would permeate your life in all of your relationships, not just your romantic one.  It would go beyond being a Catetaker/Rescuer/Peacemaker.