Divorce: Custody Discussion

[Lost in Desert]

So as some of you know, my story has been unfolding for awhile now.  So I been granted Dinner visits during the week, and I get my son now over Night starting Saturday Mornings until Sunday night.  Wife is BPD, she did a Restraining Order, to get me out of the house and only recently have we began to text and she has actually called me.

Yesterday, when I was picking up my son, she asked to speak to me.  She noticed I struggled to look her in the eye, I added it is cause you caused me great pain by doing this Order of Protection, removed me from the residence and doing so, caused me to not have any contact with my son for close to two weeks.  I added, you could have text or called my mom or sister to advise of our son, you did not.  Her response was they could have contacted me, ISSUE here, she had a Third Party No Contact issue added on.  So total BS.  I kept my cool and composure.  She then went on to say she only gets $200 a month for Food help from the state, I doubt this figure is true.  She only works 3 days a week cutting hair.  She added how it is hard cause she buys all the diapers, wipes, etc.  So her offer was this: We can agree to divorce and end it now, if I am willing to accept the custody arrangement now:  Dinner Visit Wednesdays, and I get him Sat thru Sun every weekend. So that means, I would have my son overnight only 48 nights a year for the next two years, UNLESS she bends the knee.

But her thought is, when he starts school, I would only get every other weekend overnights, maintaining my weekday dinner visit.  Her thought, is since she would be working full time, she would want weekend alternating.  But my statement was, YOU GET OUR SON EVERY DAY, YOU GET TO EXPERIENCE things I do not.  SO that does not seem fair.  My mind says this is screwed up, my heart is saying accept this and hope she will relent as he ages, like most people do.  As a toddler, they child is easier to tend to, as the child ages, it gets harder and harder.

My thought also, is I do not trust her, I would like to see if I can add to the court filing to have her SAVE at-least 40% of the child tax return to a 529 Bond or something similar.  I also want to add t the divorce then, when he starts school, we go back to our custody agreement to settle that matter then.  I do not want to agree to something like this.

Any one have advice or experience on this matter.  My lady co-worker says I have to be careful, sounds like she is fishing.  She also thinks, there will come a time, she comes back trying to get back into my life.  My feelings and trust are dead with respect to her honestly. 

[david]

The thing that stands out is she brought up the issue of money. That was the one thing my ex always went to. My state makes calculations on child support based on overnights. My ex fought like crazy to keep it under 46% for me because that maximized child support.
My ex filed three protection orders against me over the course of 4 years. She then stepped it up by accusing me of assault. I now have a video and an audio recorder with me whenever she will be near. I can't use it in court but it can be used by the police so I don't get arrested. I would be careful about that.
Decide what you believe is best for your child as far as time is concerned. I was EOW and a day only in the beginning. I finally got 50/50.
Also I only communicate through email to have a record of all conversations. I assume every email will be read by a judge at some point so I never say anything disparaging or negative.

[Lost in Desert]

She did add, hopefully we can become friends again, like we were prior to marriage, thus making it easier for the both of us raising our son.

[ForeverDad]

To her disordered and entitled mind, her grudgingly gifting you minimal time, by court order no less, feels equitable and right.  Sadly, you can't expect reasonableness or reasoning from someone who has gone to that extreme.  She pictures her perspectives as normal and correct.  Fortunately, the court is the Real Authority.  It's just slow and generally makes minimal improvements, apparently court expects parents to realize they have to Let Go the conflict if they don't want to wait on court to step up and decide for them.  Yeah, you know how unlikely it is for an entitled BPD ex is to be cooperative.

Therefore, court is probably "less unfair" than your ex, though glacially slow and likely to ignore much of the lesser conflict.

Remember, court won't care much about her adult behaviors (between you and her) so give focus to documenting her poor parenting behaviors.  That includes times she sabotages father-child contact.