1.5 years NC and now set-back

[bdyw8]

Hey guys, I haven't posted on here for quite some time because things have been good - 1.5 years NC.  She did some stalking of me for a few months last year (2016) but after I threatened to call the police she left me alone.  

Then yesterday while talking to a "semi-mutual friend", the friend weirdly brings up that my BPDexgf is going to mexico with her BF, etc, etc. (I basically knew nothing of my BPDexgf's life since we broke up so this was a total shock to hear that she had a BF).  The friend has never said anything about her to me before because she knows things did not end well between us, so it was so weird after 1.5 years of  that all of a sudden she drops this like a bombshell on me.

I've been enjoy the NC and not knowing anything about my BPDexgf, so this was a total shock and brought back all these trauma feelings and jealousy and anger.

My first thought was that I wanted to go over to her place (she still lives 1.5 blocks away from me   and tell her that she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship or be happy after how she ruined my life and put me into a mental breakdown over the last two years of our relationship (that ended in December 2015).   I wanted to tell her how angry and hurt I still am and how long it took me to pick myself up again and move on with my life.   I wanted to tell the new guy just how screwed up she is.  

I also started ruminating on what she could possibly be telling this mutual friend, or her friends, or this BF, about me and how I was the evil one, etc.

Anyhow, I'm just feeling really down and discouraged because these last few months I'd been really feeling great, like the best I've ever felt in my life.  No relationship, but single and happy and content.   Living my life, climbing mountains, conquering fears, etc!   And it was a knife in the back to hear this and to feel all these feelings I'm now going through.   So I feel stupid for telling a couple of my friends how "stable" and "happy" I am and then to have this happen and feel like a phony because obviously she still has her hooks in my mind!

[kerbarzorpit]

Hey man, you will not beleive me how much I understand you.

After I broke up my LDR/s with my exgf, we kept chatting for two or three months, I was still in love and she needed me so much. Some days were just like the old days and in other days the unstable hurtful monster appeared. We reached a point where she insulted me too hard this time and I finally blocked her. Then during the following three months se would sent me e-mails, trying to lure me back in, with lots of lovely words. "We are one without the other", "One day we will be together again, I'm certian", "You taught me what love is". Those are just a few of her phrases. I would answer every e-mail. It would take me some time at first, but I would always answer. The thing is that I kept my distance. I did not close the door, I loved her too much, but I knew that it would not work right now. Then, less than 30 days after her last e-mail she recalls her facebook friendship invitation (I was blocked so she unblocked me, then sent a new invitation and then finally retrieved it), unfriends me on Instagram and claims on Facebook that she is in a relationship with the a new guy, with a full cover picture of the two as well. Then on Instagram she would call the new guy "love of my life". That is: calling a guy she knows for less than 30 days the love of her life and only 30 days after telling me that I was such person like she always told me.

Logic told me: "You see? she is a sick person. She does not understand what love is. She just wants someone to save and can't be alone" But I was hurting as much as you are now. We long for the things we do not have but could be had, even if you are better now without them. Feel happy now, she will never bother you again, and remember: there is a reason why she is not with you. Think about that reason.

[once removed]

i had a girlfriend for a grand total of three months. it ended badly for me. i saw some pictures of her a year or so later, and had a similar reaction, a lot of ruminating.

i think its a fairly natural reaction, and that it will pass. but i would use it to gauge your detachment, and it sounds like you are.

youve made some good progress. try not to minimize it just because you had this reaction. but my first question would be, do you think youve buried things, or swept them under the rug?

[roberto516]

I'm not trying to make your feelings go away but if this is any solace I can't imagine they are having such a grand relationship together. If there was no time in between the relationships then I highly doubt there was any introspection going on to change her own faulty thoughts, learn about her self, and change behaviors.

This is something I fear as well. Since we both worked together she still has a lot of facebook friends. A part of me is curious how I'll react when someone eventually tells me she put on facebook she is with someone new. I'm sure she already is but to put it on facebook so soon would make her look suspect in the eyes of former coworkers and she doesn't ever want to be perceived as anything but a great human.

I'd ponder what once removed said. Do you think the 1.5 years of doing well were filled with a lot of suppression and things just to make the thoughts go away? Even if you processed and learned all that you could this reaction could still happen. Hang in there, if it's any solace this could be the last time you feel a trigger if you get news about her as you have finally crossed that bridge after 1.5 years.

[FSTL]

I often slip into wondering about my ex and my replacement.

Then I remember all the mini-recycle attempts and how she tried to cheat on him with me and how she is when I do let her in and speak to me (same irrational, impossible person). If my replacement can put up with her, then good luck to him, but I am very certain he is probably suffering the same way I was and he also probably doesn't even know about the cheating and attempted cheating.

I agree with everyone else about cutting yourself some slack - you'be done well and there's no need to be hard on yourself for a slight set back. We all have them and the journey is not a straight road. Good luck with the rest of the journey !

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bdyw8, Your feelings are normal and you are right to acknowledge them.  What this episode suggests to me is that you still have more work to do in terms of processing your feelings.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could try: writing about your anger & hurt in a journal, talking to a close friend or family member about your emotions, meeting with a T, sitting with your feelings and just observing, practicing mindfulness, etc.  The idea is to let the feelings pass through you as if you are a lightning rod and your feelings are discharging into the ground.

LJ

[bdyw8]

Thanks so much everyone for your responses and support.  It was nice to come back on here and remember how much support I got on this site in the first few months after all the crap went down and I was near suicide or committing myself to the mental ward!

I saw my therapist tonight and had a good chat with her and some friends too and I've come to accept that it's okay for me to feel hurt and angry by this news.   I've decided I may have to cut this mutual friend out of my circle because for me, part of NC is not exposing myself to potential triggers such as this or someone that may have pics of my ex on their facebook or start blabbing to me about things like this.   I kept NC pretty tight (with the exception of her showing up in my backyard on two occasions to confront me and beg me to take her back.

I think the thing I struggle with most is that she still lives a block away and thinking of her with another guy just one block over hurts a little more than if they lived on the other side of town, if you know what I mean! 

I'm sure my anger and stuff will pass, I already feel much better at the end of the day.   As some of you said, she would not look at herself, but just jumps from one relationship to the next with no introspection or personal growth so she's doomed to make the same mistakes over and over.   I have to feel blessed and grateful to have learned so much.   I've started dating again recently and my approach to dating is MUCH different than it was when I met her!  haha, I have to laugh to think that I was a shining example of codependency in the past and I think I've made great strides with that.   We'll see i guess

[once removed]

I've decided I may have to cut this mutual friend out of my circle because for me, part of NC is not exposing myself to potential triggers such as this or someone that may have pics of my ex on their facebook or start blabbing to me about things like this.   I kept NC pretty tight (with the exception of her showing up in my backyard on two occasions to confront me and beg me to take her back.

NC is one tool to use when detaching. i wouldnt call it being detached or healing, though - its not a destination. at 1.5 years, i think it may be that theres some work that remains to be done.

think of it this way: when we come out of these relationships, you can lock yourself in a room for some months, and eventually, the pain will go away, but that doesnt mean that healing takes place. NC is the equivalent of that approach.

which sounds more appealing to you: living your life in a way that involves avoiding any potential trigger, or getting to a place where there is no trigger - no harm done?

[bdyw8]

once removed - I see where you're coming from.   I guess the reason I'm taking this approach is because she has stalked me repeatedly and tried numerous ways of getting through to me to hurt me some more, so I guess my default position has been to protect myself from any of her tactics.

I can see what you're saying, in that if I was detached none of her attempts would matter as I would let them roll off of me.   With that in mind, I don't think I'm fully at that point just yet.   We were together for 4 years and it's been 1.5 years now since the break-up so perhaps I still have some healing to do - perhaps this latest challenge of accepting that she's with someone else will help advance my healing?

That's my hope at least    Thanks for the comments, and yes, it does give me some perspective on what I should be aspiring to!

[once removed]

I guess the reason I'm taking this approach is because she has stalked me repeatedly and tried numerous ways of getting through to me to hurt me some more, so I guess my default position has been to protect myself from any of her tactics.

i apologize, i didnt mean to suggest that having no contact with a person with a history of stalking you is a bad idea, or that with her in very close proximity that it would be any less difficult or scary for you. i also dont mean to say that you should let stalking attempts roll off you, do protect yourself by all means.

i was attempting to say time and NC will not heal all wounds. concern for your safety should not be ignored. it sounds like hearing the unfortunate news also triggered unresolved grief. i encourage you to attend both.

[bdyw8]

No worries, I appreciate it none the less, there is an element of both present in that I need to protect myself from her and I have to get to a place where hearing news about her doesn't rattle me either.   Like I said, I'm pretty sure this will just be one more hurdle in the healing process! 

I do have to be careful to not become subject to her mind games and manipulations which she certainly tried sucking me into several times in the past - hence my decision to stay away from her at all costs or anyone that may be "delivery messages" if you know what I mean. 

The whole process is just frustrating.  I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict and getting over this relationships with my BPDexgf has been just as hard, if not harder than overcoming my other issues.   My saving grace is that I never had to relapse throughout the insanity of that relationship but managed to come out with my sanity, life and sobriety intact.

[tryingsome]

I agree with Once Removed. NC is not a solution but a method to help heal. Eventually you have to face reality and all the pains. When that happens, as you are going through now, true healing of wounda amd moving can occur. I hope the beat for you. The path to leaving all the pain behind is just before you. You control your space. Good luck 

[bdyw8]

Thanks trysome, I'm starting to see that this will be the final step in my recovery, coming to accept this, and perhaps I'll be free of her once and for all... .

[Skip]

I've decided I may have to cut this mutual friend out of my circle because for me, part of NC is not exposing myself to potential triggers such as this or someone that may have pics of my ex on their facebook or start blabbing to me about things like this.   I kept NC pretty tight (with the exception of her showing up in my backyard on two occasions to confront me and beg me to take her back.

You may be relaying on "avoidance" to much and processing your hurt, too little.

As for processing the pain and reaching Detachment, it takes some work.

You really don't have to excise the friend. You can simply ask if he is ok with a Chinese wall, not talking to her about you and you about her.

Good mental heath is hard at times.

[bdyw8]

Thanks Skip!   After the initial shock, and having about 2 weeks to process this, I've made some good ground on acceptance and have decided not to cut the mutual friend out.  I did set a boundary and ask her not to talk about the ex with me and she was fine with that.   

It's been promising to see how much quicker I can process things after a year and a half.   Thanks again to you guys for the support as always.   You were right about the avoidance over acceptance.   It was like I had my head in the sand a little too much.   I've peaked out now, gotten spooked, and now slowly coming back out into the world again and it's not so scary!

[lovenature]

I feel stupid for telling a couple of my friends how "stable" and "happy" I am and then to have this happen and feel like a phony because obviously she still has her hooks in my mind!

Don't feel stupid or phony, there is no possible way for anyone who hasn't lived through a BPD relationship/breakup to ever fathom it. You are better to talk to people who have been through what you have and a therapist trained in BPD if you choose.
I too am over 1.5 years NC with my ex. who lives across the street, I have found recovery to be non-linear but things do get better overall little by little.
Education on BPD and my role in it combined with NC have been the most helpful to me.