When a BPD leaves what is the psychology behind it

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know that this is a very old thread, but I thought I'd post just incase anyone saw it.

This thread exactly identifies with what happened to me when my uBPD broke up with me. She told me she loved me on Tuesday, and on Sunday she never wanted to see me again, told me she'd been sleeping with a guy at work for months, and very soon any attempt to contact her got responded to by the threat of a restraining order and a visit from the police. I was now a psychopath, a monster, an abuser, and a pathetic excuse of a human being. Excruciatingly painful after 3.5 years together.

So we can all see what they do. But does anyone know the WHY?

Why do they do it this way? Why to they cut people out?

A normal person would talk to their partner and say "I'm sorry, but we need to end things". But a borderline will pushes the other person away and then blames them and begins to hate them and then acts as if they never existed. Why?

What is the psychology behind it?

Good luck answering that one if you can!

[Elmurr]

I know that this is a very old thread, but I thought I'd post just incase anyone saw it.

This thread exactly identifies with what happened to me when my uBPD broke up with me. She told me she loved me on Tuesday, and on Sunday she never wanted to see me again, told me she'd been sleeping with a guy at work for months, and very soon any attempt to contact her got responded to by the threat of a restraining order and a visit from the police. I was now a psychopath, a monster, an abuser, and a pathetic excuse of a human being. Excruciatingly painful after 3.5 years together.

So we can all see what they do. But does anyone know the WHY?

Why do they do it this way? Why to they cut people out?

A normal person would talk to their partner and say "I'm sorry, but we need to end things". But a borderline will pushes the other person away and then blames them and begins to hate them and then acts as if they never existed. Why?

What is the psychology behind it?

Good luck answering that one if you can!

[jambley]

A normal person would talk to their partner and say "I'm sorry, but we need to end things". But a borderline will pushes the other person away and then blames them and begins to hate them and then acts as if they never existed. Why?

Because they can. Because they can find new supply, get their needs met and abandon when they get it on a plate. The blame is the hardest thing, being blamed for everything and with no apologies. The patterns repeat. My ex was damaged, it was her mechanism against her father leaving in childhood, her broken marriage.

[Elmurr]

Sure,  understand why they leave, leaving for someone else is not inherently BPD. What I don't understand is why they do it the way they do. To cause as much hurt as possible and so abruptly with no remorse, empathy, or look over their shoulder.

[jambley]

Elmurr I agree it's unnecessary to cause more hurt on top of leaving. Once you are devalued they dont care and have their sights on other people/things.

There are a few things I would like apologies for but it wont happen. Lack of closure is really hard because I am actually a decent guy!

[FSTL]

Why? Who knows... .

But mine needed things to end well (from her perspective... .) ideally with her blaming me, but me still wanting her, or me being friendly with her.

Any blame is shaming and they feel shame (and anything else) like fire. So being able to blame us allows them to feel like it wasn't their fault and project all their bad behaviour on to us. If we're still friends, they don't feel our anger and the pain that comes with that.

Mine cheated on me, came over to my house, patched things up and then dumped me... .all within 24 hours... .

Now, any hint I am pulling away and she tries to pull me back in... .only to then push me away.

It's all crazy making, so for me the issue isn't why they do it... .but why do we let them keep doing it. The result is always the same, each time more hurtful than the last... .

[Idsrvt2]

I got the protection order served on me after they texted they wanted to go in peace and asked what they could do and I replied a day later with what I thought was a nice text ... ndid jot mention reporting them as I had threatened to do so during the huge falling out all on phone and via text all while he walked around my neighborhood delivering mail and texting me... wouldn't even show in person.

Mine I think was influenced by family as he claimed his one bro in law , a cop told him to get one in me on our first date, he would also mention not to put too much in writing ... .I don't know if the truth in that msg was too much to handle or his family swayed him... .he should have just reached out to me in person
In court he had his attorney tell me he felt terrible for the breakup and only did so because he has low self esteem and felt I deserved better... he wanted the roses dropped.
My mom and her bf convinced me not to allow that I kinda regret that now. 

He even involved his work as he's my letter carrier ... I could have replied better to some of his msgs , but he could have ended things in person not on the phone too.

I think he must have found someone online ... I just don't know.  So one could say mine did it out of fear ... but saying he was going in peace and then getting one hurts beyond words.
Seeing him now delivering mail is odd... it's not like I don't exist as I e seen him force himself not to look at my house etc. 

I wish I knew it's something I really struggle with and now I could ask him...

[once removed]

there are psychological explanations for why someone with BPD traits might approach a breakup in a destructive and hurtful way, and they can inform your recovery.

there are explanations like:

- a person with a paralyzing fear of abandonment may perceive you as abandoning them and seek to beat you to the punch

- splitting may be involved

- issues of object constancy and/or object permanence may be involved

i found answers like that very helpful at first. thing is, relationship endings like these are quite common and not limited to BPD traits - think of the millions of songs that have been written about them, spurned lovers, lack of closure, best friends turning into enemies, etc.

this probably wont help now, but let it plant a seed. more likely, there is a bigger picture and we werent as blindsided as we felt at the time. this article gave me a lot of perspective long after i was over the hurt: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

[Harley Quinn]

If I had to summarise the reason into one word it would be FEAR.  A pwBPD has a great deal of overwhelming fear which drives many of the disordered behaviours we experience in the r/s. 

When I was split black, dealing with rages, being bombarded with messages when we were apart these all came from the same place within my ex.  Recognising this altered my perception of the behaviour and allowed me to depersonalise it to some degree.  Of course, being on the receiving end of some of his treatment was still painful in itself but knowing what the root of it was helped me to recover more easily than if I'd believed it was intended for the purpose of causing the hurt.  Like a small child feeling frightened and threatened, he would lash out in a typical 'the best defence is offence' way. 

Love and light x

[Herodias]

They can't take anything you may say or do as rejection, perceived or otherwise. They will find someone who they can manipulate and does not make them feel that way in the beginning. It will happen again as soon as the new person starts to see behind the mask they present. They cannot deal with people the way normal people do. They just don't have the empathy or the understanding of appropriate reactions. They only have empathy for themselves and if they feel the new person is one they can count on and doesn't put them down for anything at all, that they can fool them into believing they are special and their soulmate. They will leave. That's it... .just pure fear of rejection and abandonment. Unable to handle reality and being looked at as less than perfect (ego). Mine always said he had a plan for me, so in my case they anti-social side of him may have wanted to hurt me and I can understand why you would feel that way. It is truly unbelievable that we all go along in life not knowing there are this many people that view life so differently, but present that they are the same. We have to be so careful in the future.

[jambley]

We have to be so careful in the future.

Yes, we do.

[Turkish]

Straight from the horse's mouth this past weekend (here I imagine her saying, "so you see me as a horse?": "it was my trust issues... ." certainly a shiny gloss over (with unicorns and My Little Pony) how the separation went down, but this is close to the truth.  

An expert in the field, Dr. Craig Childress, describes pwBPD to "abused children, all grown up."

At the core of BPD are uncontrollable emotions,  driven by a "core wound" in childhood in most cases. No subsequent entity can fix this wound, certainly not by romantic attachment. No one can fix our wounds either,  certainly not our pwBPD.

To crib and alter what Christine Ann Lawson said in Understanding The Borderline Mother, "attachment feels like survival." She originally said "lying" instead of 'attachment" but I think it fits.  

We all came here trying to understand the hurtful behaviors. I couldn't understand the abandonment after giving her what was her dream (kids, stability). Understanding the behaviors is an early step in detachment.  Determining who owns what is another.

[FSTL]

"it was my trust issues... ."

I got that... .she occassionally explained she didn't feel connected due to her trust issues.

She cheated on me... .due to her trust issues

She dumped me... .due to her trust issues

Crazy making as she is anything but trust worthy, but I guess that's her projection at play

[roberto516]

I would say in some cases it is about a need. They might have wanted to be with us because of things they liked but it was first and foremost because we were supplying a need to them. Just like they were supplying us with what we thought was a need. The differential is that when things went south for us we tended to still hold on hope that the good times would return/expecting relationships to be a struggle sometimes/fear of losing them etc etc.

For them when the needs weren't being met it was time to cut and run. That fear of abandonment was far too severe. At least in my case. She had never wanted to truly leave me until I left and didn't come right back and apologize for my behavior. She has every right to feel abandoned by that knowing what I know now about her. It's a shame really. We both got hurt.

[kim2017]

I am glad you asked this question and I have been struggling for 7 months trying to make sense of how someone who seemingly loved me so much just disappeared, painted me black (I could do no wrong before), and is so full of rage against me.

I know I made a huge mistake. In the heat of anger I said something I never meant "it's over." I had never heard of BPD before - I had no experience with abandonment issues.

We went from a beautiful 2 year relationship, planning a wedding, to being blocked from everyone and everything.

I hear he's already in a relationship. I wonder if he'll find happiness without ever having closure with me.

I read from these posts that they often return. Given this intense anger he feels towards me I can never see that happening.

I just want to tell him I'm sorry. That I never meant to hurt him and that I miss him. He's turned into stone.

Any advice is appreciated. I hope one day I can fine peace and move on but this was the most painful experience of my life. I never ever could have seen this coming.


This weekend I was at a professional conference and saw his name on the list of attendees. We're in the same field/instrustry. I believe he saw mine on there and decided to forgo his $250 to make sure he doesn't see me.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Elmurr, I had a very similar experience to you and had the same question.  Here's the answer I got from my T who has 20 years experience dealing with PDs.  There are multiple parts of BPD that are going on: external locus of control, lack of sense of self, denial, black and white thinking, fear of abandonment, and projection.

PwBPD experience an external locus of control.  What happens to them feels like it is happening TO them (passive and acted upon by an outside force), rather than they are making choices (even subconsciously because most choices are not conscious for them) and acting on them. Most do not believe in their own agency.  For most of us, we can see what they are doing an attribute it to the pwBPD.  Ever had one of those fights where you try to  bring up what they are doing and how you feel about it in order to resolve the conflict?  Maybe you're the one person who was able to resolve the conflict - I know none of those conversations ever ended with anything but vitriol and disgust on behalf of my pwBPD because he believed if I could just have approached him when the sun was at its zenith, or the breeze blew from the south, or I had just used this verb or whatever that he wouldn't be upset.  Again, external locus of control.

This couples up with denial that there is a problem.  My exBPD was diagnosed with BPD twice, had been told by his doctors that he was having severe psychotic episodes, was prescribed anti-psychotics, but somehow still convinced himself I was crazy - his term, not mine.  About 2 months ago I contacted him to get divorce paperwork going.  He went out of his way to tell me that all his bills are paid (his dad paid them), he's going to his doctors (he hadn't picked up his meds since Feb or seen his doctors since March - do they not understand everything gets filed with insurance and there's a paper trail?). It's a bit of apparent competence kicking in there too.  I'm just fine; you're the problem because... .

The second part that kicks in is the lack of sense of self.  Ever see your pwBPD take on your hobbies, style, etc. or become a completely different person around others?  They have no stable core self.  Because of this, they can not tell where they end and you begin.  When you couple that with the fear of abandonment, it's much "safer" to them to attribute any failings to you and then denigrate you for it and try to get away from those failings as fast as possible - for survival.  Even knowing what's going on won't make it hurt less.  I knew when he was saying it why it was being said, but it still hurt to hear, "yes, I loved you a week ago, but now I don't and we will never speak to each other or see each other again".  (Funny enough, I just had a dream about that last interaction last night and woke up more sure than ever about how ill he is.)

The final piece is black and white thinking.  Anything that is not perfect (white) is failure (black) and any failure will cause you to abandon me, so I will abandon you first.  They then project their perceived failings into you and put as much distance between you two as possible.  I don't know whether it helps or not, by throughout your relationship, even seemingly innocent comments you made were being heard through that same negative distortion and they were hurting during that time because they believed you said it.  And no, nothing you said or did can change how their brain isn't working right.  Only they can do it with years of committed work in therapy where they bust their butt to get well because their life has become untenable.

This last part is why so few actually end up in therapy and get well, even though BPD has the highest possible recovery rate of all PDs.  To get into therapy (like AA) you have to 1. Admit there is a problem, 2. Take ownership of the problem.

Hope this helps.  For me, it helps when I start ruminating on the old arguments again.  He is really, really sick and it was years of abuse he endured.  Like a child throwing a tantrum, he needed to let it out and pin it on someone else to get relief.  I can accept that.  I won't tolerate it, because it is also abuse, but I accept and in some ways can understand the internal defenses.

[NotMuchHelp]

Oh and one last thing. I doubt very much they give you, me, or anyone else a second thought once it's over. They literally move on with their lives. You will hear recycled and ghosted terms. How can it be both ways? It can't. It's just terminology to make excuses or "theorize" what is going on.

[HopinAndPrayin]

They're not nice people. Their ultimate goal is to hurt someone. I strongly believe they have a plan before they even get into a relationship with someone.

... .

Trust me they're not hurting inside, this is how they live their lives.

Hi NotMuchHelp, while I respect you are likely hurting and are experiencing anger, there is research (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-news/2008/emotion-regulating-circuit-weakened-in-borderline-personality-disorder.shtml) from reputable sources showing structural differences in the brains of pwBPD related to the fear center.  While no one can argue that the result of BPD can be abusive behaviors, understanding their biological make-up may help you make peace with their illness.  That is not to excuse the behavior, but to understand that there is an extreme experience of pain and fear by pwBPD.  They are in a prolonged fight or flight for life until they get into recovery and heal from traumatic childhood wounds.  As people who had relationships with these folks, we too desire healing and need to get into our own recovery to enable us to have healthier relationships in the future.

[Idsrvt2]

Mine tried to warn me off in tue beginning with tears in his eyes he pleaded for me to stay away from him that he is like his father and would hurt me and he had rage issues ... .this was after I had an issue with him and contacted him online.
That's mistake number one with my x... .everything I wrote was seen as evil and hurtful to him... unless it had smilies and happy comments to it.
He took that all back and then told me some tale of being raped and mutilated and he was trying to save me from the truth .

I didn't know he may have BPD... .he did come to me and said he was falling apart thought he had a personality disorder and depression and was going to get help. He was stunned I was t going to dump him as he said I had a lot going on with myself.

At one point he dumped me and then said he wishes he had said let's just take a break until he got his head straight... .I gave him a few days and asked how he would like to communicate with me... .
Somehow his therapist cancelled his first appointment... .
We got back together. And then had a huge falling out because again I texted him I was upset he dropped me off early.
I mentioned talking a break and I was dumped coldly and the restraining order followed soon after because I reacted again sending quite a few texts.
I see my part in it and would never send texts in a relationship again... I also would never accept a breakup via phone or text again.

All of the above to me screams abandonment issues in his side and also his fear that he should live alone he always hurts people and was like his father .

The cooling of food period is lifted now, he's my mail man ,,he walks on like I'm just another house as if I never existed.

[roberto516]

.
That's mistake number one with my x... .everything I wrote was seen as evil and hurtful to him... unless it had smilies and happy comments to it.

You aren't alone. Everytime I tried to communicate calmly it was met with "do you want to break up?" That led me to get angry because I would comfort her and not me.

I still remember telling her time and time again "I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but fun and happy around you." It makes perfect sense with the mirroring. If I was upset it had to be about her in her mind. And afyer enough prodding instead of letting me just recharge I would get upset. Self fulfilling prophecies all around.

[Idsrvt2]

I can relate. Anytime I put anything perceived as negative he would dump me , no working things out u less it was me stopping at his place after he coldly dumped me ... which he then had nerve to put and use in the protection order .that I showed up at his house ... of course didn't mention that he let me in and we still saw each other after.   
my reaction to him dumping me because I calmly wrote that I was taking a break as it seemed his online world mattered more to him
 I even called him a rapist on the phone while he dumped me l. I guess I just couldn't take it anymore ... my life was in turmoil, was supposed to be moving, job stress, health issues and him again dumping me.   The classic line from his attorney "well in this one text you called him a loser "  I've written mine sees himself as transgender and I was beyond supportive something he would say he did not have.   
Sometimes I think he would fake concern and say oh sweetie is depressed... .so noticing I was depressed , he couldn't just let go of my texts I sent. 
I toy with the idea of contacting him and asking him why or saying that RO was ridiculous.  No sane person jumps to a RO while his girlfriend lays in bed on ice no matter what I was texting him... he couldn't even stop by   (I wouldn't put that line in there of course )
I just have to keep writing .lts so tough now that I can contact him and see him. 

I almost wish I communicated via emoticons with him
Thanks Roberto we seem to have similar xs your posts have always helped me

You aren't alone. Everytime I tried to communicate calmly it was met with "do you want to break up?" That led me to get angry because I would comfort her and not me.

I still remember telling her time and time again "I feel like I'm not allowed to be anything but fun and happy around you." It makes perfect sense with the mirroring. If I was upset it had to be about her in her mind. And afyer enough prodding instead of letting me just recharge I would get upset. Self fulfilling prophecies all around.

[NotMuchHelp]

 HopinAndPray I respect the site you directed me to, but I think you may have misinterpreted my, "Trust me their not hurting inside." I agree they're hurting inside, but that hurt isn't about you, me, or anyone else, it's their own internal hurt. Ghosting someone and never speaking or looking at someone ever again, is proof, that they're, not hurting over you, me, or anyone else. The internal struggle is their own. Most people think about their exes, whether it's a passing second of memory or wondering what the ex has done or is doing with their lives. Healthy people can actually feel sympathy for a break up, and maybe not the day after a break up, but maybe 6 months or more after break up, becoming friends or at least able to say hi, see if you're ok. These people ignore and never speak to their exes ever again. They don't think about you, me, or anyone else that they've had relations. I never experienced the "recycling", when it was over, I never heard a peep. I didn't tolerate the lying or deceit. I wasn't mean, but I made it a point, and pointed out the lies. This is the reason, why, I was never recycled, I saw the game.

[Idsrvt2]

My x did say he though about his one x(he only knew her online and never met her in real life) so that may have skewed things for him. He said that he still thought about her from time to time and he thinker he lived her.  Once we were in the shower together and he asks me "has any other guy washed your hair before ?) and I said yes, how about you?  He said yes once before but I don't want to mention her or talk about her ... then he said she was the one that tried to stab him with scissors when he tried to break up with her.

Something's he would almost jump when we were together and I asked why and he said I brought back feeling he thought were gone forever, good feelings .

I do think I scared him, but not in the way I once thought... I think he did cats for me and he was scared I would do what those In the last did. 
I don't leave people though... I'm not one to up and cut someone I've known for years.

Befode we were together he did tell me that once he is done with someone he is done... .however he mentioned knowing about his online x and her relationships. 

I agree that most can reconnect with an x and ask how they are or say hello.
He's my letter carrier, ridiculously got a restraining order, a cooling off period is what we agreed to ... so he had to avoid my house daily ... now he's back delivering to me.  He has not said hello to me at all.  I think it shows how he can just shut off and just act like I don't exist.  The human in me wonders about him , but fear saying even a hello.  It's an interesting thing to witness that is for sure. 
Online days after I posted on my profile I was devastated and not going out anytime soon etc, he posts he is rejoining life again.  He has me blocked , yet seems like he's keeping tabs somehow.   No remorse it's seems , just dump me and move along.   
The worst is for four years of us being friendly he hid all of this from me...

HopinAndPray I respect the site you directed me to, but I think you may have misinterpreted my, "Trust me their not hurting inside." I agree they're hurting inside, but that hurt isn't about you, me, or anyone else, it's their own internal hurt. Ghosting someone and never speaking or looking at someone ever again, is proof, that they're, not hurting over you, me, or anyone else. The internal struggle is their own. Most people think about their exes, whether it's a passing second of memory or wondering what the ex has done or is doing with their lives. Healthy people can actually feel sympathy for a break up, and maybe not the day after a break up, but maybe 6 months or more after break up, becoming friends or at least able to say hi, see if you're ok. These people ignore and never speak to their exes ever again. They don't think about you, me, or anyone else that they've had relations. I never experienced the "recycling", when it was over, I never heard a peep. I didn't tolerate the lying or deceit. I wasn't mean, but I made it a point, and pointed out the lies. This is the reason, why, I was never recycled, I saw the game.

[enlighten me]

I think theres a number of reasons each different depending on the person. For me when my ex wife dumped me I think it was a case of she thought our marriage had run its course and wanted something new. She found my replacement and was swept up in her idolisation phase. I don't think she wanted to hurt me or was even aware of the hurt she caused as she was too wrapped up in herself and her new boyfriend.

My exgf never went out of her way post break up to hurt me or any of her other exes as far as I am aware.

That said there are some out there that do and my thinking of this is emotional maturity or lack there of. Its like a child lashing out at someone who has hurt them (even though that hurt might be of their own making). They lash out because they are hurt so want to hurt back.

[NotMuchHelp]

ldsrvt, I'm very sorry about all you're going through. Clearly, an on-line relationship is much different than a dating, physical intimate relationship, or marriage. Your ex could have made up that entire situation. Who knows. But, that your ex referred to a person who they only communicated on-line isn't a ex. It's a ex pen pal. When you explained it to me my first reaction was, whomever lied to you. Why would this person even mention an on-line romance? To get a reaction out of you. Whoever did this is telling you for their own selfish reason. It's about them, not you. I certainly would never consider chatting on-line a romantic relationship. I guess that's just me. When the chatting ended, I certainly wouldn't consider the person an ex. They never met. Again, they told you because it's selfish. That isn't what I met about thinking about an ex. I met if your reading a book, or mowing the lawn and an ex pops in your head. Mentioning an ex to a new relationship to get a reaction isn't what I'm referring to. I wish you luck. Keep your head up. I think you out to get a PO Box and not let him deliver mail to your home, unless of course that's a reason for you to hold on? It's a way for your ex to hold on too. They know they're going by your home 5 days a week. What a great situation for these sick and twisted individuals.

[Idsrvt2]

Thank you, he didn't lie as I found mention of this girl on a forum we were on together.  If I remember correctly he mentioned her because I brought up his x as I thought when he made a comment that he hadn't felt that in awhile , he was talking about or thinking of an x , so he brought her up.  I knew of her as he mentioned her in the four years we were friendly .  He is heavily immersed or enmeshed in a fake real life game called 2nd life where he himself admits starting that game changed his reality and ability to function other than with work in he real world.
He didn't have many recent  relationships if as he is a recluse... supposedly transgender and tried to become a female years back
 ... basically his life is work, go home and sit online and fall asleep after eating ... sleeps next to a computer in the floor...    I didn't realize he was that bad off until I was too involved and then of course trying to get help.


The po box- I thought about it when we had the cooling off period , retraining orders in place, which is insane in itself that he initiated that yet still wanted to deliver my mail... no logic .   Am I trying to hold on I dunno... .i would like the option to still get mail picked up as I do eBay and have physical limitations ... ironically his boss picked up a package this week, which was a tad odd in itself.
The hard part was him not being allowed to deliver to me and making a show about it as he walked across the street then over to my neighbors... .
It's why I posted I hate taking the advice I did
My x won't change his route as this is his real world, he knows too much about all of us . I doubt he will talk to me again

ldsrvt, I'm very sorry about all you're going through. Clearly, an on-line relationship is much different than a dating, physical intimate relationship, or marriage. Your ex could have made up that entire situation. Who knows. But, that your ex referred to a person who they only communicated on-line isn't a ex. It's a ex pen pal. When you explained it to me my first reaction was, whomever lied to you. Why would this person even mention an on-line romance? To get a reaction out of you. Whoever did this is telling you for their own selfish reason. It's about them, not you. I certainly would never consider chatting on-line a romantic relationship. I guess that's just me. When the chatting ended, I certainly wouldn't consider the person an ex. They never met. Again, they told you because it's selfish. That isn't what I met about thinking about an ex. I met if your reading a book, or mowing the lawn and an ex pops in your head. Mentioning an ex to a new relationship to get a reaction isn't what I'm referring to. I wish you luck. Keep your head up. I think you out to get a PO Box and not let him deliver mail to your home, unless of course that's a reason for you to hold on? It's a way for your ex to hold on too. They know they're going by your home 5 days a week. What a great situation for these sick and twisted individuals.