Opinion/advice about calling her...

[Emotions]

I have been on break for a little over a month now... .been spending time where I grew up for middle school,high school, and a couple years of college... .it is where my mom and her side of the family live... .it has been nice and beautiful being away from home... .I am heading back home in about a week... .I have a growing burning desire to call my ex and hear how she's doing, and let her know I would still move in with her like I originally planned... .Although she has already told me to stop calling, it has been 6 weeks and i have yet to fully accept that we are done, and I have had a mile marker in me to call her before I leave since I got here and communicate one more time how I feel... .part of me has realized that she represents MY love inside of me... .i don't even know if I love the reality of who she is anymore, just the memories and friendship we had... .I feel that When I call her it probably will evoke some sad, or intense emotions in me, but I also feel like these might help me be able to move on before/while I head back home... .I seriously doubt she will invite me to live with her, in fact I'm almost sure she won't, but I also need to hear that message again for some reason so that I can move on a bit quicker than I've been moving... .I think I've done well, however I basically need to do my routine in order to stay positive (chemically) throughout the day... .im ready for a mental and physical break because it's been over two months now of waking up, going for a run, eating yogurt bananas spinach, watching only positive things, listening to positive music, and so on... .
So my question is, why do I still need to call her? And what am I expecting to gain from this? Any thoughts would be appreciated

[panhead67]

Hi Emotions,
My suggestion is to do a 90 and 90 right now. don't call for ninety days , take one day at a time, and when it gets rough, do something else, like talk a walk, redirect in some way. then say "I can always call tomorrow," when tomorrow comes , repeat (your basically putting it off, to protect yourself from more hurt right now) just get a little more time to process how your feeling with yourself gently, on your own, and in our company here.
I too am in an uncomfortable place emotionally. But I realize, as my fog lifts, I will not get what I truly desire from my ex, (maybe a shadow of the love bombing, or crumbs thrown after)when I feel those urges, or longing to reconnect with him, my head knows I doan want that crazy train, but my heart, oh my heart... I hope for intellect over emotion, in time.
We have all probably heard the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Maybe you can identify with some of these things as well.

[Turkish]

part of me has realized that she represents MY love inside of me.

What do you think this means?

[Elmurr]

Hi Emotions, I know that it can be very difficult to not contact your exBPD. I am now 3 months into NC and whilst I have good days, I also have days where I very nearly do contact her. But when that urge passes the relief that I didn't is quite profound.

To understand why you shouldn't contact her, you need to understand a bit about how her mind works. Firstly, if you contact her she will almost certainly not find it attractive. Secondly, she only wants what she cannot have. Thirdly, because she likely hates herself, anyone who looks at her fondly she will hate back. It's perverse, but it's true.

Bare in mind that if you do contact her first, she will interpret you as being weaker than she is, and whilst she will be flattered by it and she will enjoy it (oh she really will enjoy it), it will make her respect you less and put you in a position where she is more capable of manipulating you. Whatever reaction you get, be it hate or love (as they are the only two options) neither will be genuine, remember that. If you contact her, she can react in one of two ways: 1, she goes on the attack and ridicules you, says hurtful things, and effectively laughs at how weak you are (hate). Or 2, she goes along with it, and draws you in a bit for fun (which you falsely interpret as love), plays with you, and then discards you again when she's had her fun. They are the only 2 scenarios I can think of being likely to happen. Do you want either of them? No! Contacting her in any way will only prolong your pain.

Obviously I never met your girlfriend, I know nothing about her, but if she is genuinely emotionally unstable, then your best bet is to walk the other way. The ONLY way to regain her respect is to take the high path and move on. I know it's hard, but it's the truth! If she wanted to contact you, she would have.

You must start believing that you are better than her! It sounds to me, like almost everyone in this situation, that you have placed this woman on an imaginary pedestal. You have placed her above you through relentless blame and projection from your BPD who has made you believe you are always wrong, and that every bit of hurt or any failing in the relationship is your doing. Yet they're the one's that left right? You wrecked their life, but they chose to cheat on you and leave... .? Doesn't add up does it. Don't fall for the brainwashing. They wrecked their own lives, and they wrecked yours too, not the other way around!

Put yourself on that pedestal where you belong. Regain your self respect, walk away, and realise that their minds do not work like yours.

Good luck. Stay strong and don't contact her. EVER. It's the only way to retain your sanity.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Emotions,

Being somewhere that has fond personal memories for you and puts you in touch with your feelings, whilst allowing you to have time to think and space from your normal routine is bound to stir up thoughts of reaching out.  I often find that changing my environment and being somewhere lovely makes my emotions heightened and I feel more sentimental at these times.  You do say however that she has asked you to stop calling.  Do you think that going against her wishes will stand in your favour?  It could be that you are experiencing one or more of the ten beliefs that keep us stuck.  Would you agree that something in this list is driving you to make contact?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

Enjoy the rest of your break and try to make it just that for yourself.  A break.  Taking some time to think about yourself will be beneficial whatever you decide.

Love and light x

[once removed]

hi Emotions,

i offer this gently:

she asked you not to call. youre considering asking her to let you move in, do i have that right? its hard for me to imagine this going well.

if you are wanting to reconnect, i recommend a much, much subtler testing of the waters.

I also need to hear that message again for some reason so that I can move on a bit quicker than I've been moving

i take it from this that youre setting yourself up for rejection so that you can move on? i think thats tricky territory, the likes of which can end up with police involved and restraining orders.

if she requested no contact, and hasnt cracked the door open, while it is possible that things have cooled off, it is still pretty risky and going against her expressed wishes - tread very lightly.

Hi Emotions,
My suggestion is to do a 90 and 90 right now. don't call for ninety days , take one day at a time, and when it gets rough, do something else, like talk a walk, redirect in some way. then say "I can always call tomorrow," when tomorrow comes , repeat (your basically putting it off, to protect yourself from more hurt right now) just get a little more time to process how your feeling with yourself gently, on your own, and in our company here.

i think this is good advice. there are good tools to delay impulse and need for gratification - when i have a craving for say, a bag of chips, i dont tell myself "no", i tell myself "later". that craving tends to pass. i dont recommend putting your life on hold in the meantime, though. as you delay gratification, keep your life moving.

[Emotions]

Thank you all for you advice... .I'm not sure why but I felt compelled and "strong" enough to call her today... .I was feeling nervous or anxious before I did, and after one ring it went straight to voicemail... .seeing if I've been blocked, I sent her a text saying I left you a voicemail, would love to talk to you... .under the blue bubble, it is blank, it doesn't say not delivered, it doesn't say delivered, this is a tell tail sign I've been blocked... .maybe I have been for 6 weeks now I have no idea... .anyway whether this shows weakness or not I was being true to myself, and I don't regret doing it, but I regret having to deal with extra thoughts in my head now... .I have fear inside me that I'm going to feel lonely sometimes... .sometimes I feel excited at the idea of being "free" from the limbo I've been in... .I still have feelings of guilt if I push her out of my heart and head, however I know that it is finally time to do so... .hopefully this will help me get to wherever I'm emotionally going, and I have to remember to accentuate the positives in my life... .I'm scared of change, but headed that way nonetheless... .so the only choice I have is to embrace it and embrace the feelings of being alone/without her, however I get to spend more time with my true self... .I guess it's a good trade off in the long run if I can like myself... .thanks for letting me vent, and I appreciate if you've read this or commented earlier... .