Cant sleep

[SurvivingBPDex]

 Hello
I can't sleep been reading new post and I sometimes wonder if I could ever leave this relationship behind me? It has been only six days since my separation from my pwBPD. I have had better days I must say. Today I felt bad in the morning but as the day progressed I felt better. On Monday I have my first T appointment. I really need the counseling. My mother has mentioned I have low self esteem and I can agree to that. This particular relationship really beat me up emotionally. I have left this relationship before but this time I am going to try to focus on me. In the past I always felt sorry for my ex and had hope he would get better. The realty was he never changed. He would come

[Pedro]

Hello there.

Almost all of us here understand how you feel & what you are going through.  Please stop feeling sorry for your ex. I have done that it doesn't help or work unfortunately, you will keep going round in circles.  People with BPD will only change or have healthier mental health if they seek it out individually or with support from their partners. It has to come from them.  

Things are pretty raw and new for you right now. Unfortunately you have to go through this process, take it one day at a time with whatever support you can make use of.

I begged & pleaded with y ex gfBPD to seek support/therapy/counselling but she wouldn't. She said she couldn't change, I didn't want to change her, I just wanted her to be healthier and happier. I am 3 months separated from my ex she ended it. Within 24 hours of that she started a new relationship.

Look after yourself mentally & physically.

Pedro.

[SurvivingBPDex]

Thank you for your response. Last night was Friday his mother called me almost at 1 am. He is not handling the break up well. I did talk to him and he was crying. Saying that he can't cope and that he is going to loose his job because of me. In the brief moment that we spoke he said he was going to kill himself. This of course sends me on edge
 I am lucky enough to have family support. On Monday I have my first T session. I did see him today as he came by my house to drop off personal items. I have not contacted him since his late night call Friday night. I'm trying to hang in there. He has already started to send hate text messages. Typical after they are left. I just want to keep sharing and reading. It has helped me tremendously to know other people are going through what I am going through. I feel strong today don't know about tomorrow. Thanks again.
 
 

[JQ]

hello Surviving,

I see you're fairly new to the group so let me say welcome to the group. As you've been finding out no one here will judge you because we've been where you are, some are still on their own BPD journey. This is your journey ... .it will be filled with plenty of pot holes and speed bumps & you will stumble from time to time. But the group will alway be here to support you with a helping hand up so you can take the next step on your own journey.

I'm sorry that you're not sleeping well ... .it's common. I found that Melatonin helped me out a great deal in the beginning. NOT to worry it's NOT a drug. It's a natural body supplement that you can find in the vitamin isle at the grocery store. In the beginning I was taking 40mg's ... .not I'm at 5mgs.

It's all about taking better care of YOU~! I see that you're planning on seeing a therapist and as most if not every NON in the group will tell you ... .a therapist is a big key in your own BPD journey.  If you & your therapist come to find out that you are suffering from some sort of PTSD from your exBPD then I would suggest a treatment called EMDR. It helped me and many others in the military with our own PTSD ... .regardless what caused your PTSD like a horrific car accident, sexual assault trauma, or any other number of things. your therapist will help you find out why you are the NON aka Codependent that you are ... .low self esteem and help you on that journey of discovery too. How can't you know where you're going if you don't know where you came from?

Come here as often as you need to, but come here as often as you WANT too. Someone from the group will be here to help you pick you up, dust you off then it's up to you to take the next step on your BPD recovery journey. As you say, it's important to "FOCUS ON YOU" ... .YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness. Do NOT let the happiness of someone dictate your happiness.  It's a tough lesson to learn for a NON but it can be learned. 

Some things in regards to your exBPD ... .if he threatens suicide again ... .I would call emergency services. BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that has the highest suicide rate of mental illnesses. So a threat is not to be taking lightly. If nothing else, depending on where you live he might be on a 24-72 hour hold to watch at the hospital. He might finally get the help he needs to some degree. BPD isn't really curable ... .the best anyone can hope for is some level of "management" of the symptoms. But it's limited in scope and only if the BPD will continue with therapy for decades & or pharma.

KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT~!  Nothing YOU said, or didn't say, Nothing YOU did or didn't do caused him to have this mental illness or his behavior.  People with BPD have learned throughout their life to be very manipulative to get what they need if only for a short period of time. As I said BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B Mental Illness. The best way I've come to learn about BPD is that the Neuro-highways in the brain just don't connect to where they need to go. Like off ramps on a freeway that stop at the end of the ramp and connect to nothing. There are many studies that have concluded that the brain is physically damage although there are different reason why some believe this ... .but many mental health professionals will tell you that they are very seriously broken people.

I would read some of the really good resources here on the sight to learn about BPD terminology and behavior. I would also read a couple of books to start with, " The Human Magnet Syndrome" & "Stop Walking on Eggshells". You can find both at your local library or maybe your therapist might let you barrow them ... .or you can find them rather inexpensive on the web.

Some other things to suggest to "Help YOU take better care of YOU".  Exercise ... .go for a walk ... .a mile will take you 15-20 minutes on a slow pace & you can do 3 miles in just an hour! This will help you burn off the stress that is causing havoc on your mind, body & soul.  It also burns off those empty calories you've been putting in your body.

Next start eating better. Fix a salad for dinner & listen to some really good music while you fixing it. Get your humor back too~!  Humor & laughter are great for healing the mind, body & soul.  Go to a funny movie with a friend or get a couple of friends and go to a comedy club.

Those are just a couple of things to get you started on taking care of YOU. 

Come back here as often as you want too ... .someone from the group will always be there to answer a question or to vent too.  Let us know what YOU are doing for YOU~!  Let us know what kind of salad you had, or how long you walk was or what movie you went to see.

Until then ... .here are a couple of videos for you to watch & learn ... .

sending hugs ... . 

J

This one is motivational ... .you might not think it applies to you ... .but it really does in some way, shape or form ... .

Even the most confident & motivated person will need a helping hand at some point in their life"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg&t=94s

This one will let you know it's ok to grieve you loss ... .
The most important life lesson I've learned is this ... .sometimes people leave ... .and sometimes unexpectedly ... .take a deep ... .mourn the loss and start living again."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=6s

And this one is just funny as hell ... .I still laugh till I cry watching it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

I listen to this song most every morning in the shower ... .it gets me moving & get me started for my day. It should be the NON's anthem ... .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAFl2D8j8cM&list=RDMMcAFl2D8j8cM

[SurvivingBPDex]

Thank you JQ for the warm welcome. I went for a walk with my niece today and have been putting a brave face in front of the family. I do feel better at times especially when I'm busy. I will going out tonight with a girlfriend. No drinks for me as I am an emotional mess. One thing that has occurred to me is that alcohol doesn't help in any way shape or form. Since my ex was an alcoholic I have grown to dislike alcohol. I know the road won't be easy. I told my mother today that I'm giving everything I have in me to be strong and be safe and at peace. This last week has been eye opening. The fog is lifting little by little. I realize that I choose to be happy or at least at peace. There is no price for that. I love the sight and all the great suggestions for books and videos. Today was not terrible.   Good night and may peace be with you all.

[JQ]

Hi Surviving 

You are off to a great start of taking better care of YOU~! The walk and going out with a friend are both great things to do. I will admit that the down time can be challenging but remember you have us here anytime you need us. And like you've already noticed is that you'll have some good days and you're going to have some not so good days. THIS IS NORMAL in every day life and for a NON recovering from a BPD r/s.  You're going to be fine!

Remember on your journey to keep putting one foot in front of the other ... .sometimes you'll be running forward and sometimes you'll be taking baby steps ... .but keep moving forward.

Let us know how you evening went with your girlfriend and who YOU are doing today.

Here's some homework for you ... .this is a small thing in life that doesn't cost anything to do BUT pays huge with a great way too start the day.

I've been around the world because of my military career and no matter where I was the sunrise was always awesome to watch.  So your home work is to think about where you would like to watch YOUR sunrise on your next day off. It could be on your back patio or in a city park or on the beach ... .wherever YOU want to do it.

Lay out some cloths the night before ... .get up about 30-45 minutes prior to the sunrise. Take your your favorite morning wake up beverage, coffee, tea, a Monster, some Redbull ... .get to your favorite spot. Then look up ... .see the blinking stars against the endless blackness of the night sky. Open your ears and notice the sounds or the lack there of ... .take a deep breath.  Then notice the endless blackness start to give way to the pinks ... .the oranges ... .notice light blue of the sky. Here the birds start to wake up ... .or the city. Take another deep breath. Notice more oranges, more pinks ... .maybe white whispers of clouds ... .the sky turns more blue ... .the sun will suddenly appear over the horizon.  Feel the warmth ... .those twinkling stars are all but gone now ... .the sky turning a brighter blue ... .the oranges disappearing along with the pink sky's ... .a new day is upon you ... .take a deep breath ... .it's going to be another fantastic day.

Have a fantastic day !

J