How to continue relationship with BPD Mum denying any abuse

[Sarinka]

Dear all,
I am at my wits end about the future relationship with my mother, after I recently confronted her about the years of verbal abuse I endured from her as a child/teenager. My mum was extremely volatile, one moment nice and minutes later screaming on top of her lungs, that i should leave the house immediately and never come back, calling me an ass or piece of ___, just for a spilled milk or "making a face" (as a teenager). I am now 33 years old, the oldest daughter of three children. During the confrontation both my parents (my dad took mums side, as always) denied any abuse, called me a hypersensitive, defiant child, being difficult, not seeing things in perpective (how extremely difficult it was for my mum, pursuing scientific career while raising three children, having health problems, suffering insomnia, being on the verge of suicide!... the list goes on and on). It an was extremely uncomfortable discussion; however, i felt I needed to open this topic to help myself in the first place. I suffer anxiety attacks and my therapist sees the roots of it in my childhood. I was long reluctant to admit, that these conflicts could have such a lasting effect on me.
The problem is, my parents are at the same time caring, generous and charming,especially my mum. I suppose also loving, although not in the sense that is apparent. I dont remember ever having any body contact with them - a hug, for example. Although, as a baby I was definitely cuddled, there are fotos to prove ;-)
Since I moved from our family house 7 years ago, the relationship with my mum improved extremely, she is no longer screaming at me (we see us in person only few times a year), she gives me a pat on face as a goodbye and my dad even a kiss on cheek. So my sudden "accusations" totally shocked them and they were- and are -convinced,that I have acute and serious mental issues. I explained them I suffer from anxiety ( I had occasional panic attack already as a teenager and they knew about it), but that is all. I am definitely right in my mind and remember - and now also acknowledge- what was happening a and how wrong it was.
I have not seen my parents since our confrontation, but we have regular contact per skype (I live in another country). They are always very nice and talkative, pretending like nothing happened between us - and honestly, sometimes i feel like I am the crazy one... I am also nice to them,but not sincerely enjoying our calls, like I was before. In August Im going to visit them, together with my two small kids and my husband. I do not wish to start a new conflict, since we see us so little and my kids look forward to be with their grandparents, but I am sick to my stomach, thinking about the "nice family time" we will have... .I would greatly appreciate any input from someone who was in same situation... .and am happy to find this place!

[Harri]

Hi Sarinka and welcome!

I understand the desire to confront your parents and have them at least acknowledge what they did.  Sometimes confronting will result in acknowledgement and an apology, but more often than not, in cases like our here on this board, that is just not in the cards most of the time.  That is a hard thing to accept I know. 

Is it possible to try to accept that your parents will never acknowledge past wrongs and instead focus on confronting, in the moment, any nastiness or abuse that may occur this day forward?  That is how I decided to handle things in my family as I knew it would just be another abusive 'it's not us it was you' response that would degenerate even further.  What became more important to me was speaking up in the moment every time something new happened.  Focusing on that allowed me to let go of the frustration of never being heard or acknowledged and instead focus on being the mature adult I was and empowering myself by hearing and seeing myself speak up rather than just spinning my wheels.

What do you think?  Did your T recommend confronting your parents about the past?

[Sarinka]

Dear Harri,

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking about what you wrote and agree with you, that it makes more sense now, to focus on the present. When I will meet my parents I will do my best to not to slip in an old pattern and "stand my ground" (not tolerating any nastiness, belittling etc.). My mum is also known for an instopapble talking, repeating things and stories all over... .demanding almost constant attention. I have also enough of that. I let you know, how it went ;-)

My mums behaviour pales in comparison with some BPD parent descriptions on this board  - whose behaviour is much, much worse. My mum never hit me or was cold-blood mean to me. She was just constantly "fighting" with me, in the sense of proving, that she is better than me. Like some bully girl from a school class. I was around twelve than, totally confused, sad and defiant.

My Dad, that is another story. He did not get it. I still hope to talk with him about it, when a good moment comes (no hurry).

Since you ask, yes my therapists, and even the one I was seeing before my current one, they both recommended a confrontation. It was painful, but it opened my eyes. It was literally like seeing behind the imaginary mirror held by my parents in front of me. It helped me tremendously - just that my relationship with my parents is wrecked, at the moment.