Double standard

[5xFive]

I feel like my life is unfair. If I get mad, my uBPDh gets MORE mad. I woke up throwing up this morning and in my attempt to keep him from getting sick, I avoided a morning kiss. Now it's almost 12 hours later and he's STILL mad at me. I realize that I stirred up his sense of abandonment but it's not fair. I had to go home from work, and I had to pick up my almost 8mo old omw bc she was sick at daycare too. So I haven't been able to rest bc I have had to care for her. I NEED to be cared for. I need my back rubbed, or a bath alone, or just a nap, but because he's mad at me, he won't do any of that.

Re: the double standard. He insists that I keep my "find my friends" on at all times so he can track my location. He says he doesn't trust that I'm going to be where I say I am. But he won't share his location with me, even when I ask. When he's sick, he insists  that I take care of him, rub him etc but he won't do the same for me. He said he was going to stop by a coworkers house and be home at 5, and he would bring home food for our six yr old, but it's almost 6pm and he only just answered his text to say that he's decompressing. So I'm throwing up and dealing with aches and chills with a baby and a hungry 6 yr old. Can you imagine if our roles were reversed?

How would you handle this? I am afraid to get mad, do I have a right? He won't think so. He accuses me of cheating when he can always see where I am at all times but I can't ever see where he is and he just disappears. This isn't the life that I wanted. He accuses me of being selfish but he can't even come home to help me when I'm throwing up bc he's "decompressing". That is SO selfish... .isn't it? I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I don't know when it's ok to be upset and when it's not.

I want to improve my relationship. I'm tired of fighting. Am I wrong to be hurt and upset? Should I be more understanding of his feelings and be grateful that he's decompressing before he comes home? I don't know! What would you do?

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[5xFive]

Oh yes, and the biggest one I forgot to mention. He won't answer his phone when I call, or he will hang up on me. But I'm not ever allowed to text him. He will text me 20 texts in 30 minutes but I'm not allowed to reply via text. And when I try to call, as I said, he either won't answer or he will hang up on me. It's not fair

[Gumiho]

Hi Monucka

This sounds so awfully familiar, it is unfair indeed, maybe it helps to know that you're not alone~ I feel for you~

I can spend hours (the longest was almost 6 hours) of massaging my SO from head to toe and get nothing in return. She never massaged me, telling me it's tiring. Now imagine her calling her sister after two hours, bragging about Gumiho massaging her, but a minute before was nagging I did a sloppy job. That would be a triple-standard?  wait. When trying to find a solution to her discontent, she said I shouldn't massage her if I was tired and did a "sloppy" job, so I take a break and lay down beside her and hug her from behind, then she gets upset for being "lazy" and accuses me for being a liar that I didn't want to massage her... .

Or; Imagine I have a cold, fever and all, full program. She comes to my house and expects me to scratch her back until she falls asleep. Like hell, I want to get my back scratched too! (she never does) and dare she wakes up, she'd wake me up too in the middle of the night to receive more back scratching.

Same with replying the phone here, I am expected to pick up the phone ASAP when she calls me (sometimes she rings in for 1 second only), while it's completely okay for her not to reply within 6 hours.
Messenger included, she often just reads my messages and doesn't see the need to reply, even if there's an important question. Dare me doing that; ie. she sends me a message and if I don't reply within 5 minutes, she calls me and is upset why I didn't reply immediately. (I told her that I'm in a lecture at university, ofc she'd know. Her reply: "then why do you pick up, stupid?"... .I had to leave the classroom for that, and apologize to the prof later)

There are so many more examples, I'll stop complaining here ^^

You have children too, I can well imagine this being super exhausting to you.

I think it's how they try to enforce their control structure on is, much like a 4 year old child would pout when it refuses to eat the potatoes for whatever reason, though they are adults~~

I think we need boundaries for that. And don't go with all-kill boundaries like multiple-problem-encompassing boundaries (I found she has trouble to accept such). Address issue by issue and try one boundary at a time.

And I'm kinda surprised your H acts like a princess~ He's a male! (I call that behavior princess disease, gf even laughed out loud when I addressed her with that word, she definitely knows full well).

Be strong, don't rage back ^^
EDIT: oh yes maybe a quote from mom helps you~ "you're way too nice"


Gumiho

[5xFive]

Thanks Gumiho,

I'm not great at boundaries. I give and I give until I can't give anymore and I shove down all of my emotions until they come out in a projectile vomit of emotion. I know I need to work on this and I do think boundaries will help. Sometimes I feel like I would be better prepared to set boundaries if it weren't so unfair. The back scratching, oh! Every night I have to scratch his back but I can't remember the last time he even reached out to touch me. When I'm sick it's so much worse. I need comfort and for the last year (and this includes my pregnancy) I have not had comfort anytime I've been sick. When I've asked it causes an argument bc he works all the time (this is his excuse, he goes to work for our family) but so do I! I work a full time job, and part time from home job and I care for the kids!
I don't want to feel conflicted about my relationship. I want to improve it. I just don't know if I have the strength... .

[Gumiho]

Hey Monucka

I feel sorry for you to have to go through this. (I've been following your story)

I'm writing this after 9 hours of massaging, scratching and cuddling... we're now past 6 months without sex, and she just/still dodged my attempt to give a good night kiss before she got into taxi :/

I subtly complained and she laughed. It gives me the feel of her being aware which makes it punishment. *sigh* ... she even checked her period calendar in front of me >_<

You can do it!


Cheer up
Gumiho

[once removed]

a lot of us struggle with boundaries. i know this is difficult, and change can be scary.

without good boundaries, your partner (as well as other people) will run roughshod. resentment on your end will grow (this post is evidence), both with your partner, and with yourself. your sense of self will deteriorate, and your relationship will suffer, or at least remain stagnant. it is in your best interest (your partners, and the relationships as well) to have good boundaries.

personally, the phone monitoring jumps out at me. its not only a double standard, but its an invasion of your privacy. couples differ on where they draw the line on privacy, but your action (allowing him to monitor you) clearly is not soothing his insecurities, and may be enabling them. if for any natural reason you have to (or choose to) deviate from where you said you were going, a fight will ensue. this will leave you feeling like a prisoner.

you cant, and probably dont want to go through a metamorphosis over night, thats risky for any relationship, but start small, and control the things you have control over. you dont want to play "whats good for the goose is good for the gander" here either (i did a lot of that). do what is good for you. there will be some consequences (extinction burst), and it wont mean you are doing the wrong thing, but that sometimes doing the right thing is hard (with persistence and consistency, it will tend to get better over time).

[Gumiho]

Thanks OR

... .this will leave you feeling like a prisoner. ... .

Her statement a couple months ago after me JADEing about being blocked for 6 weeks straight "did you ever hear of a prisoner go to jail for only one day?", irony wants it, is exactly what made me google about abusive relationships, and I eventually ended up here, thank god I did.

I highly agree to start with babysteps and set punctual boundaries about specific things one at a time. But it's easy to be kinda overwhelmed, can't see the forest, there are so many trees. I guess it will take time, a lot of time, but may be nonetheless rewarding~^^


Gumiho

[Cold Fire]

I feel like my life is unfair. If I get mad, my uBPDh gets MORE mad. I woke up throwing up this morning and in my attempt to keep him from getting sick, I avoided a morning kiss. Now it's almost 12 hours later and he's STILL mad at me. I realize that I stirred up his sense of abandonment but it's not fair. I had to go home from work, and I had to pick up my almost 8mo old omw bc she was sick at daycare too. So I haven't been able to rest bc I have had to care for her. I NEED to be cared for. I need my back rubbed, or a bath alone, or just a nap, but because he's mad at me, he won't do any of that.

Re: the double standard. He insists that I keep my "find my friends" on at all times so he can track my location. He says he doesn't trust that I'm going to be where I say I am. But he won't share his location with me, even when I ask. When he's sick, he insists  that I take care of him, rub him etc but he won't do the same for me. He said he was going to stop by a coworkers house and be home at 5, and he would bring home food for our six yr old, but it's almost 6pm and he only just answered his text to say that he's decompressing. So I'm throwing up and dealing with aches and chills with a baby and a hungry 6 yr old. Can you imagine if our roles were reversed?

How would you handle this? I am afraid to get mad, do I have a right? He won't think so. He accuses me of cheating when he can always see where I am at all times but I can't ever see where he is and he just disappears. This isn't the life that I wanted. He accuses me of being selfish but he can't even come home to help me when I'm throwing up bc he's "decompressing". That is SO selfish... .isn't it? I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I don't know when it's ok to be upset and when it's not.

I want to improve my relationship. I'm tired of fighting. Am I wrong to be hurt and upset? Should I be more understanding of his feelings and be grateful that he's decompressing before he comes home? I don't know! What would you do?

I, too, was especially awe-struck by my wife's selfishness and double standards. She is easily the most selfish person I have ever known in my life. She was always on my case about other women, ripping me to shreds if she thought I even glimpsed one out of the corner of my eye for a millisecond; meanwhile she could talk and flirt and obsess and be Facebook friends and do whatever with any guy she wanted. It was infuriating. I'm not even that much of a jealous type, but at least live up to your own standards, you know, the ones you impose on me?

What is it exactly that you hope to improve? Unless somebody here has better advice, I would suggest to you that it's impossible to improve your relationship with someone like this. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for him and he's emotionally incapable of trusting you, no matter how good of a person you are and no matter how loyal you are. As a result, you can never trust him in return. You can never be open with him because you will always feel like you have to protect yourself. You can never be a normal human being around him. And certainly don't rule out cheating, because he could do that, too, even though he's the one who is always accusing you.

I can't tell anyone whether to stay or leave, but in my case, after 15 years of enduring this, I've checked out and I'm no longer investing in my sham BPD marriage. I agree with others who advise you to set strong personal boundaries and stick with them. If you don't stick with them, you will send the wrong message to yourself as well as him.