6 months NC update

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Everyone,

Thought it wouldn't hurt to share and self assess on how I am doing now almost six months NC. What started as a very short list turned into this manuscript of the process/stages/lessons I am going through now. I ghosted for a long time on the site, as I found that it triggered feelings of abandonment and I have been trying to move on as best as possible although I have been reading and learning from everyone here and I want to thank you so much for your support! I have been to five sessions with my therapist, who is licensed to provide DBT. These are some of the things I have learned.

The process of my healing and lessons:
The events. You can read my story on the board but basically my BPD relationship breakup coincided with a conflict at my former job with a co-worker with BPD that convinced me to leave my employer and toxic work environment, go through serious financial difficulties, the realization that my mother was disordered, and a near-death experience that made the last six months the most painful and confusing time of my adult life. I consider myself a pretty resilient person but the combination of all these events left me sorting through the fragments of the fantasy life I was living and accepting many things about myself that I need to change. The realization that I needed help led me to therapy and a complete reevaluation of relationships with friends and family. Probably the most exciting and most scared I have been in my life and a challenge to reorient myself to building a new me.

The first month after discard. Surprisingly I was pretty coherent back then, as I read my earlier posts. I definitely can see my shock and anguish at the discardment and the traumatic impact of basically seeing the person you love die in front of your eyes. But after my heart realized that the relationship was fully over (something I had logically executed at the outset of our last breakup because of mindfulness), the pain was pretty much bearable for a number of weeks. That was the easy part I found as I hadn’t started truly processing my actions and what actually happened, especially the root causes of my wound.

Understanding BPD. I’ve learned a lot about the different dysfunctions and dysregulations that people with BPD suffer, and this has helped me move away from (most of my) anger towards my BPD-ex for her actions and helped me focus on the fact that I was in love with someone who was mentally ill/disordered. This has helped me move away from anger towards sympathy and empathy. This isn’t easy, because it allows me to understand that both people my ex presented to me were real – the good person as well as the bad. This is more complicated then the black and white thinking that she was evil and I was a victim which was my early reaction when I was hypervigilant, (I’ll admit very) paranoid, and deeply wounded. We had some really great times together so I still have regrets (and hopes) that I will get to share those times with someone who wants a stable long-term, mature relationship. Holding on to the “she’s evil” thesis will only re-create the same world that she lives in – a world where I hurt others before they hurt me or where I settle for behaviour I don’t deserve. I owe it to myself and others not to re-create this pattern with anyone else now that I am self-aware of the causes and consequences of BPD and dysfunctional intrapersonal relationships.  For now, I have decided to let go of the BPD research, and move into thinking about this as a normal relationship breakup, reducing the intensity and dramatic nature of the relationship, which was unhealthy from the start because of both our idealization patterns. Now the focus is on me and only me as best I can do that.

Going NC and understanding NC. It’s like everyone says, the silence is deafening. I went NC for the wrong reasons when my ex tried to recycle me. I did it out of a sense of justice, revenge, and retribution, instead of for what I think are the right reasons (see next section). In my experience, it has seemed to me that the intermediate period of my NC (around month two) that had been the toughest. Not knowing what she is up to is hard, but I think the further away I have been from all forms of contact with her the better I become at disassociating my own validation from her as a person, especially considering the amount of disrespect I took from her. She finally reached out through friends about two weeks ago indirectly. Although she only met them once she went straight up to them and asked how I was doing and that she sadly hadn’t heard from me in four months (obviously her threats of violence were forgotten). There was more to the story but I cut my friend off and told her simply that “thank you for telling me but from now on I do not want to hear anything about my ex, I have closed that chapter of my life”, which my friend respectfully agreed to. It validated me to know that everything I learned about BPD traits likely fit the behaviour of my ex, which has reinvigorated my confidence in myself and my intuitions.

 I don’t worry about being recycled at all as I once did, because my response to contact from her is simple and very genuine if she approaches me or contacts me: no thank you we will not re-connect in any capacity, good luck with your life, I wish the best for you. I don’t need to be silent any longer, which makes me feel stronger. Silent treatment is extremely disrespectful and abusive and now that I am strong enough not to be recycled, there is no reason not to act like a reasonable, mature adult; how any other person acts is not on me and I don’t take responsibility for that anymore. Furthermore, setting new boundaries for myself has made a much more assertive person, and in that sense I should be grateful for the lessons I was given through my relationship with my BPD-ex.

Having Empathy and Sympathy Enough to Let Go. Now that I understand more what happened, and why my BPD-ex treated me like that it has made it easier for me to realize that there is little to ruminate on about the future we could have had, something I did quite early on after the breakup. Instead I have focused on the relationship as it actually was, both good and bad, and try to understand why I acted the way I did. It’s easy in a relationship with a BPD-ex to totally blame them for everything, they act so dysfunctionally when they are dysregulated that it is an easy task.

I have emotionally let her move on and let me move on, because the relationship was not going to work considering the conditions and behaviours we both had and honestly, I wanted a relationship to be more fulfilling then she was capable of. A lifetime of yelling, recycles, and push/pull dynamics would have not been worth the illusion we both constructed. Although painful in the short term because I invested heavily in the relationship emotionally, in the long-term it would have certainly led to divorce and a broken family like my FOO. Because people with BPD generally pattern their children to act the same way, I have made it my life goal not to ever do that to a child, even if it means I am alone forever (this is my personal goal, everyone is different).

I still ruminate daily and usually I realize that I ruminate about her to avoid other real emotional problems in my life, with my family, my childhood neglect or work stress. I physically and mentally fight these ruminations, sometimes with prayer, vigorous exercise, and mindfulness. I spend a lot of time scolding myself (it usually leads to laughter at myself) and being compassionate with myself; something I never had done for me as a child by my parents. I am relearning these childhood emotional mechanisms as best I can now.

Wanting Something Better for Both of Us. Both I and my ex deserve a healthier relationship then the one we had together. It is not easy for me to admit that she deserved better then me. I was so selfish to think that I could mould her into someone she was not. At the end of the relationship she angrily texted that I “wasn’t the rule maker and my way wasn’t always right”, and after much reflection I realized how much I forced my view of the “right” way of doing things on someone who clearly had much different views about how to deal with relationships with friends, families, and strangers. While I do think that much of my “rule-making” were simple etiquettes of mutual respect, loyalty and honesty, these were not fair to project on a person who was not equipped to follow them. Being with someone who has the capacity of these types of values is something that takes time and patience to find and the way I have rushed into all my long-term romantic relationships and many friendships is like playing Russian roulette. It’s important to protect our hearts until we are certain the person exhibits the behaviours that clearly show they have the capacity to be in a mentally healthy relationship.

Feeling the Pain (not just anger). At first, I was just really angry all the time. This anger was directed at my ex, all the thing she did to me, whether these were real or exaggerated events. I was pretty hypervigilant at the end due to the dysfunctions in the relationship so my paranoia was Defcon 1. I don’t think I have ever been that angry at a person before, which was pretty scary for me. After awhile, mostly because I came to understand BPD, the anger was redirected at myself for being so stupid to not read the signs of the manipulations, gaslighting, and other dynamics and “get out” earlier. Of course, “how was I supposed to know?” is the obvious question and answer to reduce my anger and have pity on myself. That being said, it is still a process that I am working through, with no end in sight to deal with this.

After I began to understand the reality of the actual situation, the anger subsided, only to be replaced with a deep gnawing pain. It’s been pretty indescribable how much this as hurt me. Don’t think I have ever felt such collective pain in any situation in my life, even ones that were much much worse in reality, like the tragic death of a dear friend a few years before. After awhile, using the mindfulness technique I began assessing how silly and immature (yes silly and immature is the words I choose to use in this situation) in ruminating so unhealthily over this relationship. In the long-term I think this will be the most valid lesson of the relationship: be careful with my heart.

Understanding the Root Cause of the Pain and Family Stuff.  The root cause of my pain comes from my childhood. I now know that the type of pain I am feeling has very little to do with the breakup with my BPD-ex and much more to do with my childlike pain and experiences in a dysfunctional family.

I realized like most people here after awhile that the pain was connected to my family and most particularly my mother. It has been very hard to deal with the realization that most of the reasons I entered into dysfunctional relationships was because of the dysfunctional relationship I had with her. It has been a very important experience to set new boundaries with her, which she has not acknowledged, has attempted to gaslight me on, and tried to create issues with my siblings and grandparents. I have kept out of it, using my knowledge of Karpmans Drama Triangle (which has been almost as useful as mindfulness techniques).

Dealing with the Pain. I have gone back and forth on this. Writing helps a lot. When it suited me I wrote a lot down. I have noticed when I get sidetracked and do not write down my thoughts that it hurts significantly more. But writing too much (especially on this website) triggered me so there is a balance (like everything in life I am learning for the first time – no black and white thinking anymore if I can help it). Keeping busy is also key, but not too busy. I need the time to process so having some time alone is important. I find that when I keep too busy the pain builds up and breaks through my emotional barriers, leading to much too much pain then I think is healthy. Like others have said on the board and elsewhere, giving yourself time to have pain, but controlling that time is important especially as you get further away from the relationship.

Creating Boundaries. This has been a difficult one. Hypervigilance is a key side-effect of the BPD breakup and the likely PTSD that I am suffering from. So I have to be super careful that I don’t over exaggerate others actions. But what is more difficult is not standing up to people who need to know about new, firmer boundaries. One person was my former boss at work, who was behind in payment of my services. Before the BPD debacle they were months behind in payment and I was too shy and reluctant to force the issue, even though it put me under financial stress (which my boss knew). Setting a new boundary that this was disrespectful and that I would withhold further services until I was paid led to the threats and attempts to guilt me that would have hurt far more before this experience with my BPD-ex. Not coincidentally I was paid the next day, and although the bridge has been burned with my former employer I would never disrespect myself again by working with such unprofessional people so no harm done. A lesson well-learned.

Looking Towards a Future. I have a great future ahead and I know it because for the first time I have given myself the independence to pick my own needs over others.  I am free of a very dysfunctional and damaging relationship among a series of damaging and dysfunctional relationships that made me seriously unhappy and made me question and sacrifice my a lot of my morals, ethics, boundaries, and personal needs for those of another. I don’t ever have to do that again if I so choose (and yes I do have a choice this is in my power) and that is empowering although a little scary at times. I am grateful to get another chance to make my life best for me.
But its hard to disconnect myself from the emotional mind that is filled with low self-esteem and a need to please people to fill myself up. The wound that was ripped open by my BPD-ex will take a lot of time to heal, and to rebuild my self-esteem (and actually build new self-esteem that I never had before) will take some time. Not sure how much, but I have to let it happen on its own. There is no way to create short-cuts through this process, at least not healthy ways (ie. Rebounding, Drugs, and Alcohol).

Dating. Am I dating? I’ve been on about half a dozen dates but not actively looking. One girl I went out with a few times threw off some pretty serious red flags – tried to sleep with me the first time we ever went back to my place, attempted jealousy induction when we first met, and talked constantly about how everyone was against her and that I was the only one to understand – I backed off pretty quickly from that obviously. Another woman I dated for a little bit was clearly pretending to fit with my interests – everything I liked she liked. I also ended that because its just not realistic to match up that easily. The third women was rude to me about suggesting that she pick the next location of the third date “she told me that I might as well not talk to her anymore if I expected her to make plans, that was my job”. I quickly detached from all these situations and important lessons about ‘gracefully exiting’ were learned in this respect.

Do I want to date seriously now? I am not sure I am ready for that. This whole situation has left me pretty emotionally weak and scarred. It seems some days as if I am carrying a great big stone on my back. Sometimes I am able to carry it with ease, other times I can barely function without being overcome with emotions, mostly grief and a special form of despair I cannot really describe. But I am laughing again and hanging out with good friends and talking to family that appreciates and supports me. I have regained weight and stayed health, and go to the gym everyday. Life is good an I appreciate that I have time to reflect and focus on work and me without the weight of a co-dependent relationship.

(continued below)

[marti644]

Hi Everyone,

Thought it wouldn't hurt to share and self assess on how I am doing now almost six months NC. What started as a very short list turned into this manuscript of the process/stages/lessons I am going through now. I ghosted for a long time on the site, as I found that it triggered feelings of abandonment and I have been trying to move on as best as possible although I have been reading and learning from everyone here and I want to thank you so much for your support! I have been to five sessions with my therapist, who is licensed to provide DBT. These are some of the things I have learned.

The process of my healing and lessons:
The events. You can read my story on the board but basically my BPD relationship breakup coincided with a conflict at my former job with a co-worker with BPD that convinced me to leave my employer and toxic work environment, go through serious financial difficulties, the realization that my mother was disordered, and a near-death experience that made the last six months the most painful and confusing time of my adult life. I consider myself a pretty resilient person but the combination of all these events left me sorting through the fragments of the fantasy life I was living and accepting many things about myself that I need to change. The realization that I needed help led me to therapy and a complete reevaluation of relationships with friends and family. Probably the most exciting and most scared I have been in my life and a challenge to reorient myself to building a new me.

The first month after discard. Surprisingly I was pretty coherent back then, as I read my earlier posts. I definitely can see my shock and anguish at the discardment and the traumatic impact of basically seeing the person you love die in front of your eyes. But after my heart realized that the relationship was fully over (something I had logically executed at the outset of our last breakup because of mindfulness), the pain was pretty much bearable for a number of weeks. That was the easy part I found as I hadn’t started truly processing my actions and what actually happened, especially the root causes of my wound.

Understanding BPD. I’ve learned a lot about the different dysfunctions and dysregulations that people with BPD suffer, and this has helped me move away from (most of my) anger towards my BPD-ex for her actions and helped me focus on the fact that I was in love with someone who was mentally ill/disordered. This has helped me move away from anger towards sympathy and empathy. This isn’t easy, because it allows me to understand that both people my ex presented to me were real – the good person as well as the bad. This is more complicated then the black and white thinking that she was evil and I was a victim which was my early reaction when I was hypervigilant, (I’ll admit very) paranoid, and deeply wounded. We had some really great times together so I still have regrets (and hopes) that I will get to share those times with someone who wants a stable long-term, mature relationship. Holding on to the “she’s evil” thesis will only re-create the same world that she lives in – a world where I hurt others before they hurt me or where I settle for behaviour I don’t deserve. I owe it to myself and others not to re-create this pattern with anyone else now that I am self-aware of the causes and consequences of BPD and dysfunctional intrapersonal relationships.  For now, I have decided to let go of the BPD research, and move into thinking about this as a normal relationship breakup, reducing the intensity and dramatic nature of the relationship, which was unhealthy from the start because of both our idealization patterns. Now the focus is on me and only me as best I can do that.

Going NC and understanding NC. It’s like everyone says, the silence is deafening. I went NC for the wrong reasons when my ex tried to recycle me. I did it out of a sense of justice, revenge, and retribution, instead of for what I think are the right reasons (see next section). In my experience, it has seemed to me that the intermediate period of my NC (around month two) that had been the toughest. Not knowing what she is up to is hard, but I think the further away I have been from all forms of contact with her the better I become at disassociating my own validation from her as a person, especially considering the amount of disrespect I took from her. She finally reached out through friends about two weeks ago indirectly. Although she only met them once she went straight up to them and asked how I was doing and that she sadly hadn’t heard from me in four months (obviously her threats of violence were forgotten). There was more to the story but I cut my friend off and told her simply that “thank you for telling me but from now on I do not want to hear anything about my ex, I have closed that chapter of my life”, which my friend respectfully agreed to. It validated me to know that everything I learned about BPD traits likely fit the behaviour of my ex, which has reinvigorated my confidence in myself and my intuitions.

 I don’t worry about being recycled at all as I once did, because my response to contact from her is simple and very genuine if she approaches me or contacts me: no thank you we will not re-connect in any capacity, good luck with your life, I wish the best for you. I don’t need to be silent any longer, which makes me feel stronger. Silent treatment is extremely disrespectful and abusive and now that I am strong enough not to be recycled, there is no reason not to act like a reasonable, mature adult; how any other person acts is not on me and I don’t take responsibility for that anymore. Furthermore, setting new boundaries for myself has made a much more assertive person, and in that sense I should be grateful for the lessons I was given through my relationship with my BPD-ex.

Having Empathy and Sympathy Enough to Let Go. Now that I understand more what happened, and why my BPD-ex treated me like that it has made it easier for me to realize that there is little to ruminate on about the future we could have had, something I did quite early on after the breakup. Instead I have focused on the relationship as it actually was, both good and bad, and try to understand why I acted the way I did. It’s easy in a relationship with a BPD-ex to totally blame them for everything, they act so dysfunctionally when they are dysregulated that it is an easy task.

I have emotionally let her move on and let me move on, because the relationship was not going to work considering the conditions and behaviours we both had and honestly, I wanted a relationship to be more fulfilling then she was capable of. A lifetime of yelling, recycles, and push/pull dynamics would have not been worth the illusion we both constructed. Although painful in the short term because I invested heavily in the relationship emotionally, in the long-term it would have certainly led to divorce and a broken family like my FOO. Because people with BPD generally pattern their children to act the same way, I have made it my life goal not to ever do that to a child, even if it means I am alone forever (this is my personal goal, everyone is different).

I still ruminate daily and usually I realize that I ruminate about her to avoid other real emotional problems in my life, with my family, my childhood neglect or work stress. I physically and mentally fight these ruminations, sometimes with prayer, vigorous exercise, and mindfulness. I spend a lot of time scolding myself (it usually leads to laughter at myself) and being compassionate with myself; something I never had done for me as a child by my parents. I am relearning these childhood emotional mechanisms as best I can now.

Wanting Something Better for Both of Us. Both I and my ex deserve a healthier relationship then the one we had together. It is not easy for me to admit that she deserved better then me. I was so selfish to think that I could mould her into someone she was not. At the end of the relationship she angrily texted that I “wasn’t the rule maker and my way wasn’t always right”, and after much reflection I realized how much I forced my view of the “right” way of doing things on someone who clearly had much different views about how to deal with relationships with friends, families, and strangers. While I do think that much of my “rule-making” were simple etiquettes of mutual respect, loyalty and honesty, these were not fair to project on a person who was not equipped to follow them. Being with someone who has the capacity of these types of values is something that takes time and patience to find and the way I have rushed into all my long-term romantic relationships and many friendships is like playing Russian roulette. It’s important to protect our hearts until we are certain the person exhibits the behaviours that clearly show they have the capacity to be in a mentally healthy relationship.

Feeling the Pain (not just anger). At first, I was just really angry all the time. This anger was directed at my ex, all the thing she did to me, whether these were real or exaggerated events. I was pretty hypervigilant at the end due to the dysfunctions in the relationship so my paranoia was Defcon 1. I don’t think I have ever been that angry at a person before, which was pretty scary for me. After awhile, mostly because I came to understand BPD, the anger was redirected at myself for being so stupid to not read the signs of the manipulations, gaslighting, and other dynamics and “get out” earlier. Of course, “how was I supposed to know?” is the obvious question and answer to reduce my anger and have pity on myself. That being said, it is still a process that I am working through, with no end in sight to deal with this.

After I began to understand the reality of the actual situation, the anger subsided, only to be replaced with a deep gnawing pain. It’s been pretty indescribable how much this as hurt me. Don’t think I have ever felt such collective pain in any situation in my life, even ones that were much much worse in reality, like the tragic death of a dear friend a few years before. After awhile, using the mindfulness technique I began assessing how silly and immature (yes silly and immature is the words I choose to use in this situation) in ruminating so unhealthily over this relationship. In the long-term I think this will be the most valid lesson of the relationship: be careful with my heart.

Understanding the Root Cause of the Pain and Family Stuff.  The root cause of my pain comes from my childhood. I now know that the type of pain I am feeling has very little to do with the breakup with my BPD-ex and much more to do with my childlike pain and experiences in a dysfunctional family.

I realized like most people here after awhile that the pain was connected to my family and most particularly my mother. It has been very hard to deal with the realization that most of the reasons I entered into dysfunctional relationships was because of the dysfunctional relationship I had with her. It has been a very important experience to set new boundaries with her, which she has not acknowledged, has attempted to gaslight me on, and tried to create issues with my siblings and grandparents. I have kept out of it, using my knowledge of Karpmans Drama Triangle (which has been almost as useful as mindfulness techniques).

Dealing with the Pain. I have gone back and forth on this. Writing helps a lot. When it suited me I wrote a lot down. I have noticed when I get sidetracked and do not write down my thoughts that it hurts significantly more. But writing too much (especially on this website) triggered me so there is a balance (like everything in life I am learning for the first time – no black and white thinking anymore if I can help it). Keeping busy is also key, but not too busy. I need the time to process so having some time alone is important. I find that when I keep too busy the pain builds up and breaks through my emotional barriers, leading to much too much pain then I think is healthy. Like others have said on the board and elsewhere, giving yourself time to have pain, but controlling that time is important especially as you get further away from the relationship.

Creating Boundaries. This has been a difficult one. Hypervigilance is a key side-effect of the BPD breakup and the likely PTSD that I am suffering from. So I have to be super careful that I don’t over exaggerate others actions. But what is more difficult is not standing up to people who need to know about new, firmer boundaries. One person was my former boss at work, who was behind in payment of my services. Before the BPD debacle they were months behind in payment and I was too shy and reluctant to force the issue, even though it put me under financial stress (which my boss knew). Setting a new boundary that this was disrespectful and that I would withhold further services until I was paid led to the threats and attempts to guilt me that would have hurt far more before this experience with my BPD-ex. Not coincidentally I was paid the next day, and although the bridge has been burned with my former employer I would never disrespect myself again by working with such unprofessional people so no harm done. A lesson well-learned.

Looking Towards a Future. I have a great future ahead and I know it because for the first time I have given myself the independence to pick my own needs over others.  I am free of a very dysfunctional and damaging relationship among a series of damaging and dysfunctional relationships that made me seriously unhappy and made me question and sacrifice my a lot of my morals, ethics, boundaries, and personal needs for those of another. I don’t ever have to do that again if I so choose (and yes I do have a choice this is in my power) and that is empowering although a little scary at times. I am grateful to get another chance to make my life best for me.
But its hard to disconnect myself from the emotional mind that is filled with low self-esteem and a need to please people to fill myself up. The wound that was ripped open by my BPD-ex will take a lot of time to heal, and to rebuild my self-esteem (and actually build new self-esteem that I never had before) will take some time. Not sure how much, but I have to let it happen on its own. There is no way to create short-cuts through this process, at least not healthy ways (ie. Rebounding, Drugs, and Alcohol).

Dating. Am I dating? I’ve been on about half a dozen dates but not actively looking. One girl I went out with a few times threw off some pretty serious red flags – tried to sleep with me the first time we ever went back to my place, attempted jealousy induction when we first met, and talked constantly about how everyone was against her and that I was the only one to understand – I backed off pretty quickly from that obviously. Another woman I dated for a little bit was clearly pretending to fit with my interests – everything I liked she liked. I also ended that because its just not realistic to match up that easily. The third women was rude to me about suggesting that she pick the next location of the third date “she told me that I might as well not talk to her anymore if I expected her to make plans, that was my job”. I quickly detached from all these situations and important lessons about ‘gracefully exiting’ were learned in this respect.

Do I want to date seriously now? I am not sure I am ready for that. This whole situation has left me pretty emotionally weak and scarred. It seems some days as if I am carrying a great big stone on my back. Sometimes I am able to carry it with ease, other times I can barely function without being overcome with emotions, mostly grief and a special form of despair I cannot really describe. But I am laughing again and hanging out with good friends and talking to family that appreciates and supports me. I have regained weight and stayed health, and go to the gym everyday. Life is good an I appreciate that I have time to reflect and focus on work and me without the weight of a co-dependent relationship.

(continued below)

[marti644]

(continued from above)

Enjoying Time with Myself and Learning about Me. I am just trying to get back to me. Who am I? I am not really sure actually. The image of myself I had was not a reality, and the vision of the relationship I should be in was also a fantasy. The type of person I am and the type of person I want to be are a far cry from who I am and the people I have dated. I can’t cherrypick the right partner so I can only work on myself for now. The first step is taking responsibility for my co-dependence and my covert manipulation of my ex. Being a co-dependent person is toxic in its own right because it meant I needed others to see me as great to validate me. This is so selfish. I need to learn to be less selfish by shaping the opinions of others to fit an unhealthy image of myself.

Thank you for listening to my thoughts.

Marti

[heartandwhole]

Hi marti,

It's good to hear from you.  Thank you for sharing this update. I found it highly interesting and can relate to much of what you wrote. You are doing some awesome work with this. 

Keeping busy is also key, but not too busy. I need the time to process so having some time alone is important. I find that when I keep too busy the pain builds up and breaks through my emotional barriers, leading to much too much pain then I think is healthy. Like others have said on the board and elsewhere, giving yourself time to have pain, but controlling that time is important especially as you get further away from the relationship.

I was just writing about this topic on another thread. I find this key to so much of what we process here on Detaching. So many of us get busy when we may want to slow down and feel. On the other hand, wallowing in feeling can bog us down from taking constructive action. There is likely a balance that needs to be struck, which may be different for each person.

I do think that many cultures tend to favor action over feeling/being, which can cause problems. So, I try to practice feeling and being present with my emotions over (re)acting. It isn't easy, but it's very worth learning, in my opinion.

The fact that you've been able to weed out some potentially unhealthy dynamics in your dating life is impressive. I hope that I'll be able to do that, too. So far, I've been avoiding the whole scene and doing lots of other stuff. Hm, filling a void, much?   

heartandwhole

[marti644]

Hi marti,

 I find this key to so much of what we process here on Detaching. So many of us get busy when we may want to slow down and feel. On the other hand, wallowing in feeling can bog us down from taking constructive action. There is likely a balance that needs to be struck, which may be different for each person.

I do think that many cultures tend to favor action over feeling/being, which can cause problems. So, I try to practice feeling and being present with my emotions over (re)acting. It isn't easy, but it's very worth learning, in my opinion.

 So far, I've been avoiding the whole scene and doing lots of other stuff. Hm, filling a void, much?   

heartandwhole

Thanks h&w!

You're absolutely right! Learning "how to feel" feels silly and every inch of my being tries to justify why I shouldn't feel the way I do; half a lifetime of dysfunctional defense mechanisms to rewrite. I kinda see it as rewriting 'bad code' in the computer program that is my psyche. Sometimes I just have to scold myself saying "marti, that doesn't make sense to think this way, what are you really feeling?" when I feel overemotional or overwhelmed with emotions that I am not sure where they come from.

This filling the void thing is super difficult to me. Usually I would take on all projects, social, responsibilities, and work loads to cover up my problems (not a conscious task). Aside from triggering fears of abandonment by writing too much on the website I found that I was getting guilty if I didn't write or respond to posts too much. I had to take a step back and say "marti, take care of yourself, you don't need to fix everything, especially considering how broken you are" A tough pill to swallow to learn how damaged and how much healing I need to do.

Now I force myself to sit by the pool at the gym without my phone, computer, or even a book to just sit there and think. Sometimes I think I am going to go nuts sitting there and doing nothing, but slowly I realize this is letting me really process my thoughts.

[chillamom]

Hi, Marti,

Thank you for your post.  Reading how well you are doing and hearing the authenticity of your experiences was very helpful, particularly since I am in the beginning stages of the journey and anger is currently dominating.  This is a beautiful testimony to the growth that many seem to note can ultimately come from these situations, thank you for sharing!

[marti644]

Hi, Marti,

Thank you for your post.  Reading how well you are doing and hearing the authenticity of your experiences was very helpful, particularly since I am in the beginning stages of the journey and anger is currently dominating.  This is a beautiful testimony to the growth that many seem to note can ultimately come from these situations, thank you for sharing!

chillamom,

thank you for your kind words! hang in there and keep processing. This is a long road for me that will take years, and once I got over the idea that I could 'fix myself'  in a short period of time, I gave myself permission to be patient with myself.  I have followed your progress for a long time and I am excited to see you begin to disconnect from your former partner. Be patient with yourself! The worst thing I ever did was to beat myself up for feeling the way I did. For me, owning my feelings and then trying to move on from them has been key to some of the positive aspects of my healing process.

Take care, marti

[Fishmedic]

Thanks for the inspiring Sunday morning read. I related to basically everything you wrote, except I don’t feel much anger towards my ex, which at this point, I wish I did, as she has now begun the recycle attempts after only 2 months of NC. I was hoping she’d be happy with her new soulmate longer, but it appears she’s already devaluing and trying to bring me back in. I’m holding strong, she called me Tuesday, then sent a flurry of messages, apologizing, but also blaming, and not making much sense. Tonnes of manipulation in her messages, assuming I’m with someone else now so sorry for messaging, i won’t hear from her again, she loves me, her boyfriend knows she’s messaging me and how she feels about me etc etc. She is also showing up places like the gym and market when she knows I’ll be there. Yesterday, showed up at the gym, so I left, and immediately noticed she had called and left a voicemail why I was in the change room (i have her blocked, saw the indication on my phone). I unblocked to see if it was her as I did not want to listen to the message, sent me about 9 messages, I nicely asked her not to contact me, and relocked her. She then appeared to follow me to the market, as I was walking back, she was walking towards me, but wouldn’t look at me. I crossed the street and disappeared. This is all after 2 months of not hearing a peep. I wish more time had gone on, as I don’t feel strong enough, but I have to keep moving forward and focus on me. Your post was inspirational, in that I know time heals, and I need more time away from her completely to focus on myself, and get the level I need to be.

Keep up the good work, you are well on your way to fully healing and moving on to your new amazing life. At what point did she attempt to recycle you, and what was your course of action?

Fishmedic

[marti644]

I don’t feel much anger towards my ex, which at this point, I wish I did, as she has now begun the recycle attempts after only 2 months of NC.

Keep up the good work, you are well on your way to fully healing and moving on to your new amazing life. At what point did she attempt to recycle you, and what was your course of action?

Fishmedic

Hi Fishmedic,

Thank you for your kind remarks,

The anger is difficult it came in waves for me (sometimes I still feel it, I think it will take some time to dissipate). I suggest you don't try to force anything, sometimes it takes time to process things. At first I was sad (I mean totally devastated), then angry, now this is slowly turning into indifference at the whole situation. Not caring, because her feelings or projections on me were not representations of my self-worth, is truly freeing because its not a matter of winning or losing, its a matter of being happy with myself without another person.

She tried to contact me two weeks ago. My course of action was to tell the friend who told me about her asking about me to not tell me about her ever again. I have the same policy with everyone, and I refuse to even bring the subject of my ex up with anyone except my father and therapist.

Her reaching out indirectly actually helped me alot, because deep inside I wondered if I was the one with the problems and I had made up the BPD thing (a common issue at the end of these types of relationships). The fact that she even asked about me after threatening to hurt me, destroy my life, etc. etc. and then ask my friends innocently (in a sad way) why hadn't I talked to her, validated what I knew; that she was seriously dysregulated. I also have learned I had alot of traits, especially ones that led to attachment and idealization and push/pull patterns that put me in the drama triangle. By the time she contacted me I was far past the stage that I would ever consider reconnecting with her (other than a genuine "have a nice life message".

NC is a choice, and although I made mistakes with the strategy it turned out best for me. If you don't want to know someone you don't have to. That is within your power, and something you can make a choice on.

If you don't want her to communicate you can, simple as not opening emails, blocking phone numbers, not answering unknown numbers; I had my share of that including this week. I barely even notice anymore and don't wonder who it is anymore. I just don't answer and put my phone down

Hang in there my friend.

marti

[panhead67]

Hi Marti,
Love your message of hope,
beautifully written,  thank you for sharing . I identify with the place you are at in healing and discovery of your authentic self.
I am not close to the place you are at in forgiveness for your ex and yourself, but I AM willing,  and need God's help on a daily basis. It's just so hard, and the pain so raw.   

[Seenowayout]

Thank you Marti. A perfect message of hope. I identify with everything you've written -- but I feel light years behind you.  I feel anger daily and get stuck ruminating. You give me hope I'll get there eventually

The feeling emotion part is interesting. My T says I overintellectualize everything and I don't feel emotions enough.  Which frankly I don't get because I'm feeling emotional all the time -- raging, crying, over this thing.   but sitting there in session he tries to get me to feel the rage and demonstrate it to him. - I don't know. I think I'm most angry at myself?

I'm so freakin tired of it. I run. I lift. I bike. I date. I m learning Swedish. I'm learning guitar. I work. I hang with friends and family. I'm reading. But this underlying rumination about her is just killing me. Constant. Especially when alone.   Maybe mindfulness will work?  Meditation?   It's been 4 months already!

Anyway -- there I go again. I just wanted to thank you

[marti644]

Hi panhead and seenowayout, thank you for your kind responses.

I go through stages of not being so forgiving but I am working hard and praying to forgive this person and myself. Forgiveness for me now is not about justice (there will be no justice or "fair day" to get closure in this for either of us), it is about letting go of what happened and accepting that because neither of us were a whole person when we were together there was no way her anger and resentment and survival instincts and my dependence and covert neediness could lead to anything but the disaster at the end of our relationship. I am still angry at myself at times, and I do feel pretty stupid at times, but I focus this self-hate into lessons for dating others. If I see the same warning signs, or my own dysfunctional behaviour rearing its ugly head (which it does),  I now have a pretty significant scar to remind me what happens when I go down that road again. I don't think I will be idealizing anyone anytime soon with this scar. Lesson learned.

This relationship, like all my other relationships was destined to fail from the beginning, there was going to be no resolution for us, not matter what she or I did. It just wasn't in the cards, no matter the best of our intentions.

I dearly loved my BPD-ex and I know if she hadn't had such terrible things happen to her at a young age she would want me to be happy. Because I have now been given the chance to make myself whole (and differentiated) for the first time in my life I want to move forward in peace, no matter how hard or how long it takes.

Seenowayout, I feel you my friend. This is tiring both emotionally and intellectually. Connecting my thoughts and feelings is so difficult, it will take years for me to get to a mature level I think.

But hard work is tiring and that means you're doing the right things! As many people on the board have said, this is a marathon. As you know when you start a marathon you run slow, pace yourself. Those who run fast at the start don't make it to the end (or take way longer to finish). Pace yourself my friend and don't run to fast. We are the tortoise not the hare in this healing process.

Regards, marti

[once removed]

wow marti, what an inspiring message. congratulations on all of your hard work! it sounds like you are already experiencing a lot of fruit from your labor. i think great things are in your future.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi marti,

I'd like to thank you sincerely for taking the time to write this well thought out and inspiring post.  I think many members of this board are going to be given hope by what you have shared here and feel the same admiration I do for your depth of awareness and intention.  I'll echo what OR has said.  I see great things on your onward journey.

Love and light x   

[marti644]

HQ and OR,

Thank you!

marti