Out of the hospital; out of the relationship

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, all,

As some of you know, I have been in the latest recycle of a 9 year relationship with a diagnosed NPD/BPD man. My family was so distressed by my seeing him again that my children and best friends had planned to stage an intervention for me…but the Universe did it instead.  Last week, due in part I believe to the incredible stress the situation had put me through, I ended up in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack (chest pans, shortness of breath, severe palpitations that went on for hours and hours with a pulse of about 200…fun stuff).  Fortunately, I did not suffer a heart attack, but was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, put on a ton of medication, and came home utterly determined to call a halt to the recycle and NEVER return. And yes, my cardiologist did say that stress was absolutely a trigger in my case.

Well, I did end it.  I had a relatively short phone conversation with him, followed by a more detailed email explaining my decision.  Honestly, my reasons were nothing new.  I can't have kids and he wants them (I'm 59 and he's 31), my family DESPISES him for good reason (he actually had noted on several occasions that he had hoped my own children would have kids "for us", and I could not deal with the continuing emotional and verbal abuse (although he had "tried so hard" to be on good behavior for the last 7 weeks of this recycle).  I don't care if he contacts he or not.  I have unfriended him and blocked his messages on Facebook, although I haven't blocked him on my phone because I'm really not caring whether I consider myself NC, LC, MC or whatever…... done is done.

No need to go on because many of us have been there, but I am DONE and OUT and sitting here feeling like a "cardiac invalid" with a zillion medications and a feeling of physical weakness I've never experienced before.  But screw that, I had the strength to finally sever this bond once and for all and now can deal with all the fun of what comes next…

In previous breakups (all initiated by me) he cried and screamed and whined and begged his way back in.  This time…... nothing (yet).  I can't tell you how blissful and how strange this is!  I figure his silence is possibly due to a few things….maybe he is 1) just gearing up for the typical onslaught and my peace will be short lived, 2) maybe he realized I was emotionally detached all through the past recycle and he KNOWS I am serious about this being the end , or 3) maybe he actually has a modicum of empathy for me now realizing that the stress this has put me through was way more serious than he imagined nd he's leaving me along because he cares (NOTE:  HA!)

Folks, it's going to be strange.  Even though I am 98% angry at everything I went through, there is maybe 2%  that misses him, sometimes more.  This I know is the trauma bond speaking and I am going to have to tell it to STFU if the voice gets louder. 

Any ideas on how to tell that extraordinarily dumb inner voice to shut up when I miss him?  What do you all think is going on with his silence so far….typically by this point I would have received hundreds of calls and messages, some pleading, some abusive, and this would be my fate for months.  I don't want to get my hopes up - what do you think I'm in for?  And don't tell me to exercise in order to feel better, LOL…right now I can't move!  (that will change!)

Overall, I'm just so grateful to still be HERE and be HOME and be FREE, although My God, this freedom was and will continue to be hard won.

I want to thank the folks on here who responded to my last posts, and I especially want to send a S/O to HELPLESSLY whose "fighting words" got me to FINALLY GET OFF MY BUTT and get this done.  I know that there is much inner work to continue, and I know the path of anger and blame is likely NOT the ultimate road to healing, but for now, anything that catapults us out of these situations is a good thing.

I am going to be on the mend for a while, but hey, I'm 100% Danish, so I've got Viking blood in me somewhere….time to act like it.

Thank you!

[chillamom]

Hi, all,

As some of you know, I have been in the latest recycle of a 9 year relationship with a diagnosed NPD/BPD man. My family was so distressed by my seeing him again that my children and best friends had planned to stage an intervention for me…but the Universe did it instead.  Last week, due in part I believe to the incredible stress the situation had put me through, I ended up in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack (chest pans, shortness of breath, severe palpitations that went on for hours and hours with a pulse of about 200…fun stuff).  Fortunately, I did not suffer a heart attack, but was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, put on a ton of medication, and came home utterly determined to call a halt to the recycle and NEVER return. And yes, my cardiologist did say that stress was absolutely a trigger in my case.

Well, I did end it.  I had a relatively short phone conversation with him, followed by a more detailed email explaining my decision.  Honestly, my reasons were nothing new.  I can't have kids and he wants them (I'm 59 and he's 31), my family DESPISES him for good reason (he actually had noted on several occasions that he had hoped my own children would have kids "for us", and I could not deal with the continuing emotional and verbal abuse (although he had "tried so hard" to be on good behavior for the last 7 weeks of this recycle).  I don't care if he contacts he or not.  I have unfriended him and blocked his messages on Facebook, although I haven't blocked him on my phone because I'm really not caring whether I consider myself NC, LC, MC or whatever…... done is done.

No need to go on because many of us have been there, but I am DONE and OUT and sitting here feeling like a "cardiac invalid" with a zillion medications and a feeling of physical weakness I've never experienced before.  But screw that, I had the strength to finally sever this bond once and for all and now can deal with all the fun of what comes next…

In previous breakups (all initiated by me) he cried and screamed and whined and begged his way back in.  This time…... nothing (yet).  I can't tell you how blissful and how strange this is!  I figure his silence is possibly due to a few things….maybe he is 1) just gearing up for the typical onslaught and my peace will be short lived, 2) maybe he realized I was emotionally detached all through the past recycle and he KNOWS I am serious about this being the end , or 3) maybe he actually has a modicum of empathy for me now realizing that the stress this has put me through was way more serious than he imagined nd he's leaving me along because he cares (NOTE:  HA!)

Folks, it's going to be strange.  Even though I am 98% angry at everything I went through, there is maybe 2%  that misses him, sometimes more.  This I know is the trauma bond speaking and I am going to have to tell it to STFU if the voice gets louder. 

Any ideas on how to tell that extraordinarily dumb inner voice to shut up when I miss him?  What do you all think is going on with his silence so far….typically by this point I would have received hundreds of calls and messages, some pleading, some abusive, and this would be my fate for months.  I don't want to get my hopes up - what do you think I'm in for?  And don't tell me to exercise in order to feel better, LOL…right now I can't move!  (that will change!)

Overall, I'm just so grateful to still be HERE and be HOME and be FREE, although My God, this freedom was and will continue to be hard won.

I want to thank the folks on here who responded to my last posts, and I especially want to send a S/O to HELPLESSLY whose "fighting words" got me to FINALLY GET OFF MY BUTT and get this done.  I know that there is much inner work to continue, and I know the path of anger and blame is likely NOT the ultimate road to healing, but for now, anything that catapults us out of these situations is a good thing.

I am going to be on the mend for a while, but hey, I'm 100% Danish, so I've got Viking blood in me somewhere….time to act like it.

Thank you!

[HopinAndPrayin]

First, I'm so glad you are safe and it wasn't a heart attack!  That had to be terrifying.  Good for you for protecting yourself and your health.

Any ideas on how to tell that extraordinarily dumb inner voice to shut up when I miss him?

That's your activated attachment system.  To calm it down NC, to give you space and allow you to detach, and extreme self-care do the trick.  We often are more caring for others than ourselves.  Be your own best friend and overindulge yourself.  Long soaks on the tub, binge watch your favorite shows, go color or read in the sun, get a massage, get a haircut, sleep in, eat really well, get exercise, go have lunch with good, supportive friends and family.  Make your ex an off limits topic.  Now is the time to take care of you.   The more you take care of yourself, the less you will have that voice pop up.

[Skip]

How are you doing?

[chillamom]

Skip, thanks so much for asking.  I'm doing okay physically, although I'm in a fair amount of pain because I'm not able to take the medications I typically take for pain due to the cardiac stuff I have to take now, so that's a bummer, but I'm sure I'll adjust.

Emotionally, I'm pretty depressed and have been for. while - being in the relationship was depressing, being without him is surprisingly depressing too.  I understand the detachment process, and this is probably the first time I have honestly and completely worked on detaching.  Before he was always present and always begging me to come back, earlier in the week I told him that continued contact was just too much for me and he seems to have respected that, which amazes me (and I think he may just be biding his time….). Perhaps this whole episode with hospitalization scared him sufficiently that he finally understood how hard his behavior was on me.  I had told him over the years that he "was going to be the death of me" and this time I guess it was a bit too close to being true that even HE understood.

I don't know.  I'm angry at myself for missing him.  I know this was utterly inevitable given our age difference and given the multiple diagnoses (NPD/BPD, schizoaffective) that I honestly could not handle, and I know this is the right and somehow "honorable" thing to do, particularly given the flat-out psychotic things he said about my children having his children (shuddering at that memory…)

I'm working with my T (although she's not much help) and have gone to the CODA meetings so I'm trying.  It's going to be difficult this coming month because I have a lot of time on my hands - my semester doesn't start for a month, my kids are not around a lot, and my good friends live far away, so it's going to be some white knuckling I'm afraid.  I'm  trying to harness some righteous anger (and most of the time I easily can) because right Now I need it for detachment.  So, in answer to your question, I'm probably doing just as well as most others who have ended a very long, (9 year) complicated relationship with a personality disordered individual.  Lonely, depressed, and angry that I even feel a modicum of missing him, which I most definitely will NOT act on.  Not going back to square one again,

Thank you for asking!

[heartandwhole]

Hi chillamom,

I'm sorry that you had to experience that health crisis! Very glad to hear that you are okay. Is the doctor confident that the fibrillation will probably resolve itself with medication? My mom has chronic AF, and I know that many people do very well with the help of medication.  

But screw that, I had the strength to finally sever this bond once and for all and now can deal with all the fun of what comes next…

I find your fighting spirit inspiring. You go, chillamom! I'm glad you are responding to this wakeup call with a firm decision to put your needs first.

It sounds like he is not responding in his usual way so far, either. Perhaps this was a wakeup call for both of you? At any rate, I hear you wondering about his response (or lack of) and that is totally normal. I recommend keeping the focus on you, though, as much as you can. Old habits die hard, I know. Every time we slip, we just recognize it and come back to ourselves.

You might experiment with ways to check in with yourself regularly, so as to break up the spiral of habitual thinking. Some people snap a rubber band on their wrist (ouch!). I recommend setting a timer on your watch or somewhere that will make a pleasant sound at a regular interval (every hour maybe). Then take 5 minutes to check in with yourself. What are you thinking? What feelings are coming up from that thought stream? Let them be, if you can without judgment. Then, if you can, take some slow breaths and feel sensations in your body—try not to attach any story to them, just feel sensations, energy, or nothing, if that's what happens. No right or wrong—just being present with yourself.

Keep writing, chillamom, and keep us posted about your detachment process. It's not easy, but it's very worth the effort. I look forward to reading your posts.

heartandwhole 

[marti644]

I'll join the rest of the gang in offering my support. Keep the focus on you (what I see as the 98%).

I look forward to hearing more of your insights 

marti

[happendtome]

Chillamom, I say that its 90% sure that he will try again with you. Just watch.
Im saying this based what you have told what kind of man he is. You are his provider and he wont let go that easily. He will let go only if he succeeds to find replacement, but to be honest, its not going to be easy task for him, he knows that.
He needs that "magic moment" to get someone new, its not that easy. Most people see through these kind of people. Only ones who will fall are people whos relationship has just broken or experiencing other difficulties in their life. Basically people who are vulnerable at that given "magic moment". Its gambling, it doesnt work always and it takes lots of energy, he knows that. You said somewhere that he never cheated you? Maybe not physically, because these people can often be also super lazy betas. But Im sure he has had many online accounts and flirts/fishing.

I have analyzed my situation and found out a reason why did i end up with my ex at first place. There was that vulnerable moment in my life, just before i met my ex, when i was thinking that im getting 40 and i have no kids and never been married. I have been always strong independent indvidual, but i had that moment and i was dragged into it. I wanted to succeed in familylife area, so i ignored or didnt pay attention to red flags.

Overall, i think i got the very good lesson. I learned that its better to live alone than to be in some crappy relationship. It was a reminder for me, reminder that i didnt live wrong before and i cant let other people tell me whats "normal" lifestyle to live in our society. Im not going to say that i will say no to every relationship in the future, but i wont start any relationship with wrong reasons.

[Skip]

Glad you are making progress and feeling better... .

I'm angry at myself for missing him.  I know this was utterly inevitable given our age difference and given the multiple diagnoses (NPD/BPD, schizoaffective) that I honestly could not handle, and I know this is the right and somehow "honorable" thing to do, particularly given the flat-out psychotic things he said about my children having his children... .

Of course you miss him. This is common in significant relationships. One of the hardest things about divorce, in general, is pulling apart the fabric of life that you two knitted together. You see the world through his values and desires and he, through yours.



One of the benefits of separation is to pull these fibers apart and separate them into two piles. It might help to be thinking about this.

[lovenature]

Any ideas on how to tell that extraordinarily dumb inner voice to shut up when I miss him?

Remember that you could have had a heart attack, and think of all of the physical symptoms that you know were caused by the stress of the relationship. I had many symptoms that went away after I got away from the craziness.

What do you all think is going on with his silence so far….typically by this point I would have received hundreds of calls and messages, some pleading, some abusive, and this would be my fate for months.  I don't want to get my hopes up - what do you think I'm in for?

All depends on his emotion of the moment, and whether there is a replacement/ex. to sooth it.
You are in for a tough period of grieving while going through NC if you decide that this is truly it, allow your thoughts and feelings and then just let them go. Keep thinking of how much better peace is for your mental, emotional, and physical health.

Take care chillamom.

[Skip]

How are you two doing?

[chillamom]

Hi, Skip,

Thank you very much for asking, I'm doing okay.  Healthwise, it's a lot of getting used to new medications, which all have "depression" listed as a side effect.  I think adjusting to the medications as well as adjusting to life without the chaos off the ex is pretty unsettling for me.  I haven't seen him since mid-July, and do not intend to.  Like several members suggested he would, he did indeed "reappear" and initiate contact again almost immediately.   Typically he will contact me every day or every other day, and sometimes for hours on the weekends when he is not at work, attempting to get me to come see him and re-engage.  Unlike in the past, however, he has not (typically)  been as abusive or out of control is his  contact, so I have attempted to remain cordial and friendly without giving him any indication that I am interested in a recycle.  I was always very conflicted about the idea of NC, so I'm glad I haven't had to shut it down completely.  He is of course lonely and alone and depressed etc. etc. etc……but I don't intend to go back and spend more of my life being an emotional crutch, as I served that need well for many years.   So, I'm doing okay if staying away from him is an indication of how I'm doing!  My college semester begins next week and the busier I am, the better it will be, I'm sure.  I can't say I don't miss him because I do, but if I want to stick around on this earth for any length of time I simply can't be around him.  Thank you for asking!

[flourdust]

When you say that he's contacting you "for hours on the weekends," what does that mean? Is he pestering you with lots of texts, or are you engaging in conversation with him for hours? The former is annoying, but something you can choose to block or ignore. The latter is you being in a relationship with him.

[chillamom]

Hi, flourdust,

I should have clarified.  He pesters me for hours, I respond intermittently.  That in and of itself is intermittent reinforcement, I am well aware, but I do not continuously engage and converse.  Most of the time if I don't respond he will try again in an hour or so, and eventually I'll reply to a question or tell him that I do not plan to "hang out" with him again and then he will back off.  Until the next hour, or the next day.  He is nothing if not persistent