Calm Before the Storm

[MountainRose]

The last few weeks have been great.  My husband has been drinking less, and though the bliss of close emotional contact is totally nonexistent, there have been very few issues.  Of course the small but very short outbursts when our teenage son pushes his buttons, or he doesn't get his way.  But those little gusts of wind or rain blow over quickly and we are living semi normal lives.  I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but more "prepared" for the oncoming tornado that I know is bound to appear sooner or later. 
I know all my tools but without having to use them, I feel a little rusty.
Taking care of myself. 
Knowing what is truth and what is not.
Learning to be non-reactive and positive. 
Using words like "I know you're feeling... ."
Acknowledging that he's not being abandoned and that he is loved.
But I'm just wondering what you all do in the times of "bliss" before you hear the sirens  C<|||go off and have to take shelter.  What are some of the ways you prepare for the outburst that may last for days and be very hurtful to you, your BP and the kids. I see some clouds off in the distance, and though I haven't started a journal yet, it has been quite a while since we've had a large episode.   
Thanks in advance.  And I'm sure I'll be back on here once I'm in the shelter eating canned goods  
Rose

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi Rose,

I try to enjoy the moments of peace as much as I can. I try not to feel guilty about suspecting that they can end at any given time. I also try to watch the thoughts pass that are judgements. The kind of: "Oh, now she acts like this or like that, when she said this or that... ." It is human that the thoughts pop up, but I try to not listen to them.

There is also the thought that says, if you get comfortable, the fall is going to be harder. Sometimes it's true, but if we let that to spoil the good moments, what do we have? Worrying all the time?

Also, I try to talk, and more than that, listen, as much as I can on these moments. Learn how she feels things, learn what worries her, and what can trigger a mood change.

There is an urge to think "now it is MY time to complain and to ask for things to me", and that can lead to triggers. More often than not, she wants to talk about how bad she has treated me while on "beach" mode (with an i, her words, not mine). I don't need to complain, she knows, and she is very ashamed of treating me that way.

Use that time to practice, to shoothe your own feelings and charge batteries. Record in your mind that he is the person you love, so you have that image in your mind when he is less than lovable. That's what I do, or try to do, anyway.

good luck!

[pearlsw]

This is such a great question! We just got through one of his breakup phases, it was devastating as usual. I am still stressed and anxious and at a weak point. I know another phase is bound to come again. Instead of live in the fear and lull myself into thinking it won't come again. (I sort of did that because his last stable phase was so long! Set a record! He went for over a whole month without a total meltdown.) I am trying to take some time today to figure out where I am at - I see my thoughts going in all directions, stay, go, work on things. But they are just thoughts.

I work so hard to stay stable for him, but what makes me truly happy and what do I truly want from my life? I am looking at the thoughts. Just letting it all be. Not rushing to make plans, or change what I do. It made a huge difference this last time that I was just stable and there for him. I never threaten to leave even though inside the idea does cross my head. How could it not when someone is telling you they "never want to see you ever again" and their "whole family hates you now"?

I am thinking now, this last time of bliss I was in... .I got a little complacent. I slipped a few times and it felt risky that he would fall after that, but I was exhausted from him. He made it after a couple of my slips, but then he was under a lot of stress and he completely came apart and blew up our entire lives as he is prone to do. I think if I could be back in that bliss I would be just a little more mindful of my own emotions and have been there for him a bit more when he needed me. It is hard, I know, because in these kinds of relationships it often feels like they are the only ones entitled to any feelings and emotional reactions and we get eclipsed, but... .Whew!

But the good part, is despite the hell I lived through the last days he has come out the other side very receptive to improvement, appreciating the insights I offer, feeling love from me. So, there is that. Make good times with each other. Try to find ways to connect. Give yourself good memories. In fact last night while intimate we had all of these great stories to pull up from the past, happy moments for us both and that was able to bond us after this hell we just went through. He felt like our intimate time together last night was one of the most special times of his life. 

[Tattered Heart]

I struggle with this soo much too. We have had 5 good days after a month of almost daily dysregulation and I can tell that I"m starting to let my guard down. Here's what I would suggest:

Enjoy the quiet while you can, knowing that at some point, he will probably have issues come up again in the future.

Use this time to continue practicing your skills. The communication tools in our workshops are not just for moments when your pwBPD is ramping up, but also for everyday life. Start setting plans for when things go south how you will respond.

Continue to set boundaries and talk about those boundaries. Perhaps this could be a time to talk openly about some of the issues that affect you when he is dysregulated.

[Radcliff]

Hello Rose,

I am glad you're in a good stretch, and thanks for posting, this is a good topic to reflect on.  Earlier on, I'd enjoy the good stretches in blissful ignorance, and then get surprised by a storm.  I put some effort into developing my early warning sensitivity, as it sounds you have, and learned to be on watch especially when my wife was under stress.  Occasionally I found an episode could be averted with extra validation and support in these times, which has been a nice improvement.  But I watched other disasters unfold when I was pretty sure I'd done what was reasonable.  In these cases at least I felt I'd done what I could.

You mentioned, with some humor, eating canned food in the shelter.  I wasn't sure how much reality vs. humor to read into that statement.  Do you ever have to leave to feel safe?  If so, I have found that during the good times when a storm arrives suddenly I can be caught unprepared, without keys, work laptop in a safe place, etc.  I try to stay prepared without being stressed about it.

[JoeBPD81]

Talking about humor, that is something that has come bite me in the behind. I can joke or playfully tease when we are OK, but then she would reinterpret those jokes when she is mad, or take them literaly, and that's how she would remember them for years, not as jokes. So I have to be extra careful, even as she tells me that she finds me very funny, and that that's one of my most atractive qualities.