Is she coming back? Or better said ... Is this over for good?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm obsessing over whether or not she's going to want to resolve things / want to get back together.

12 days since we went our separate ways, her saying she wants a divorce and me agreeing.

No contact other than a cordial message to and from regarding our son.



I know that I will be better without her and don't deserve to be treated in the way I am. Equally I'm definitely co-dependent, not enough boundaries, I'm enabling her to treat me in this way.

I keep asking myself the question... .Will she be back? Or is this actually over this time?



- We're married, 9 month old son

- We've had a very difficult 7 months (now I've found out about BPD it explains a lot)

- She's strong right now, stubborn and cold - she stayed at the house  of 2 enablers / flying monkeys who are the only 2 people in this world who believe her garbage.

- Now she's back to reality and living in her town etc, will she come to her senses? Will there be a reconciliation? I think I've read that BPD types tend to recycle but also some times they just upsticks and they're done with it.

- She stands to lose quite a bit economically and in terms of lifestyle if we do divorce. Does this impact her thinking or does that rationale not come into play with BPD?


Even thought I know I'm better without her I think I'm still clinging onto some distorted fragments of hope. Hope for who she was, who we were - not what our relationship has become.


Thank You

[north69]

I'm obsessing over whether or not she's going to want to resolve things / want to get back together.

12 days since we went our separate ways, her saying she wants a divorce and me agreeing.

No contact other than a cordial message to and from regarding our son.



I know that I will be better without her and don't deserve to be treated in the way I am. Equally I'm definitely co-dependent, not enough boundaries, I'm enabling her to treat me in this way.

I keep asking myself the question... .Will she be back? Or is this actually over this time?



- We're married, 9 month old son

- We've had a very difficult 7 months (now I've found out about BPD it explains a lot)

- She's strong right now, stubborn and cold - she stayed at the house  of 2 enablers / flying monkeys who are the only 2 people in this world who believe her garbage.

- Now she's back to reality and living in her town etc, will she come to her senses? Will there be a reconciliation? I think I've read that BPD types tend to recycle but also some times they just upsticks and they're done with it.

- She stands to lose quite a bit economically and in terms of lifestyle if we do divorce. Does this impact her thinking or does that rationale not come into play with BPD?


Even thought I know I'm better without her I think I'm still clinging onto some distorted fragments of hope. Hope for who she was, who we were - not what our relationship has become.


Thank You

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey north69, I'm sorry to hear that you are obsessing about your W.  I suggest that, rather than trying to figure out what she wants to do, over which you have no control, you instead focus on what you would like to see happen.  Are you hoping for a recycle?  Do you want to give your marriage another try?  If so, then it would seem like you might want to work on what you can do to make that happen.  If not, then you might want to think about the detaching process.  It's your call, my friend.

LuckyJim

[north69]

Hey Jim,

Thanks for replying

I think deep down I'm hoping for a recycle, but with conditions & ideally some form of trip to the psychiatrist & diagnosis.

But then again I have to be real, probably more chance of winning the lottery.

I need to end the cycle if it's more of the same.

With a 9 month old boy we'll affect him badly if the disputes don't stop. Just got a good book by Shari Manning, Loving someone with BPD. Maybe that will help me on another recycle and I won't need the miracles?


I'm remaining quite open though, in the event that it's full separation / divorce then I won't fight it.

I often debate which is the truth:


She loves me and I'm her world or... .She feels trapped in the marriage, I disgust her and she wants out.


Maybe both are the truth. Maybe one is happy her and the other is after she's been triggered & in a rage.


I've read that the real her is neither. She's empty & the nice times we spend together and nice things she says to me are just projections or mirroring, telling me what I want to hear.

We've got such amazing memories together, fantastic times. Hard to think it's all a sham.

And she's so compassionate and caring at times - high functioning BPD that you'd never ever suspect out of the house. Only her mum, dad and I see it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, north69, Well, maybe you could propose couples counseling as part of your effort to reconnect?  I doubt you're going to get her to see a psychiatrist on her own, because those w/BPD are highly resistant to diagnostic efforts.  Once again, I would suggest that it's not so much about whether she loves you or feels trapped as it is about focusing on your feelings and needs.  What is the right path for you?  As you note, only those on the inside get to see her dark side.  Part of the paradox of BPD is that, the closer you get, the more likely you are to get pushed away.  All part of the BPD cycle, I'm afraid.

LJ 

[roberto516]

My ex does see a therapist and a psychiatrist. However she is diagnosed with depression. WhicH is true but even the things might not help. Have they alleviated some behaviors? I believe so. But the focus is on the depression and anxiety and not the other underlying things.

And her therapy seems to not help her much either. Shes been with her therapist for a very long time and i dont believe she has any insight into possible BPD traits. It's that reaction and trigger in the moment. I'm saying all this because just because one seeks treatment or medication doesn't necessarily mean those core wounds will even be looked at/processed. If a therapist spends sessions doing cbt or talk therapy it might help put a band aid on for a little bit. I'm also saying it because I too have run through the "what ifs". Each situation is different but this is just my experience. Sorry fr what you are going through.

[north69]

You're spot on, I need to focus on me.

Also, they whittle you down into a bit of a weaker version of yourself, erode your confidence, I'm using the time to build back up to who I am. Luckily I've never been short of confidence so she had plenty to go at! I'm eating well, going to the gym, going for runs etc. Work is affected which I think is inevitable to some extent, my mind is often elsewhere.

Also, I try to limit myself to time on this site and other research areas. Otherwise it consumes me entirely and I could spend all of my days focusing on nothing but BPD... .and probably wind up depressed.

My instinct says to leave her if she tries to recycle. But her dad has got terminal cancer, we've got a baby - there is legitimately a lot of stress in her life. If she leaves me then that's another thing, I can't say I didn't give it my best.

But I am more and more resigned to the limited nature of this relationship. It's not sustainable, I really don't see how people can spend a lifetime with these women, there are good women out there & it's that which I keep reminding myself.


If we recycle I will propose we both go to a new councillor. We tried couples therapy already and they told me to leave her. Maybe Gottman marriage therapy or something for communication, or maybe I'll try and sneakily source an expert in BPD as our therapist

[north69]

Thanks Roberto, you're spot on that it might get overlooked or they won't be an expert in that field.

Her seeking help might not be the magic wand that I think it will be. It has to be a step in the right direction though, she currently accepts no responsibility at all.

[ScottishKin]

Wow, your post is almost word for word what I could write just now. You are not, I repeat, not the only person on here currently going through this. What I want for more than anything is for my wife to have a moment of clarity, recognise and own her issues and commit to serious, long term help for her as an individual and us as a couple.

I haven't heard from her since I was arrested on bogus charges of domestic assault 7 weeks ago following the announcement she was 'done', after 7 months of marriage. Well, with the exception of an e-mail telling me she had cancelled my phone payment from our joint account and I'd have to 'deal with that'. We have no kids which obviously makes the situation easier but no less painful.

I'm moving on. I've been living with family since the split but I'm moving to a new place on Friday. I'll continue my rediscovered love of working out, swimming and Judo and concentrate on being the best me I can be. If, long term, she wants a divorce (she hasn't said the D word but we have to be separated for a year before anything can happen) she'll get one. I'll move past this, one day meet someone else who is not an emotional train wreck and ultimately, probably be thankful she did me this favour while she spends forever looking to fill a hole that can't be filled.

But I love her, I'm married to her and I am willing to be held to my vows. It's a horrible limbo to be in.

[north69]

Man you're in a bad situation too.

I know what you mean about loving them, willing to stick to your vows and work through it etc. But today I'm feeling strong and I just think, is it all worth it? My wife is beautiful, intelligent, often caring and great to be around. A real high functioning borderline.

I might not get another 8 or 9 (sorry to be so superficial and objectify) but I will get somebody who respects me and loves me for who I am.

I don't even understand what she's done with me, why marry me and why have a baby with me if it's all just a game or a fleeting fantasy?

I'm far from perfect, I argue back, I often persue her when she needs space, amongst many other faults. But I'm a good guy, a caring person, generous, loving and I accept fault and responsibility.

I think consciously or subconsciously they choose us based on these nice guy weaknesses. What should be attributes are exploited against us once they have our trust and love.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to check this is all real, how the f*** is this my life?

It's like I've been duped or conned.  Thought I was buying a bag of gold coins but inside they're just beans. Mental beans, that cause me a lot of stress and heartache