Depersonalizing my in-laws

[JaybirdA]

I'm not sure how to sum this up succinctly, but I will try. My BP wife's parents, my in-laws, appear to be undiagnosed BP (father-in-law) and NP with bipolar (mother-in-law). So my wife comes by the BPD honestly! Anyway, they split their time between where we live and a second home in another state. Last summer, my BP father-in-law got upset with my kids (7 and 4 at the time) and started raging at them. I intervened and asked him to stop, at which point he unloaded all of his rage on me and asked me to leave his house. I did, after some choice words, with my wife and kids. The next day I went over and apologized for my choice words in an effort to keep the peace. The in-laws were around for another 4-6 weeks after the incident, then returned to their winter home.

This summer they returned from their other home and started packing up all of their things and put their house up for sale. My father-in-law recently made it clear to me that they were packing up and leaving because of the incident last summer where I intervened in his efforts to "parent" my children. On the one hand, I'm glad they are leaving. Life is stressful enough without having to spend time with two ticking time bombs that you have to count as family. On the other hand, I feel really awful about the fact that my wife's parents--who she loves, difficult as they can be--are packing up and leaving all because I protected my kids from my father-in-law's rage.

I know I should be depersonalizing their behavior, but how on earth does a person not feel some guilt and responsibility in a situation like this? Ugh.

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[Radcliff]

Hi JaybirdA,

So they are making a major financial and geographical decision based on one argument that happened months ago?  Taking that at face value, it doesn't really seem like it comes close to passing the "reasonableness" test.  Several things are possible, one being that they made the decision for other reasons and are blaming you.  Another is that that's how they really make decisions.  Maybe there are more possibilities, but I can't imagine one where you're on the hook for this.  Sure, you lost your temper, but healthy relationships are supposed to be able to recover from that (or so I've heard, not that I've had one

I don't know if it's too late, and I don't have enough context to know if this is appropriate, but you might consider talking to your father in law and telling him how important family is to you and your wife, etc., etc. and see if you can mend fences.  If your wife can have a reasonable conversation about it, see how she feels and what she'd like to have happen.  Or just let it play out and say it's for the best.  Whether they move or not, treat it like you would any relationship with a BPD -- invest and do your best, and if they are not receptive, you can't ask yourself to have done any more.  Some effort at fence mending may be worth considering, for your wife's benefit.  Due to some early trauma my wife suffered in her family, I felt very ambivalent towards her mother for many years.  When her mother died, my wife felt like my feelings had gotten in the way of her relationship with her mother.  Your situation may differ, my point is to play it forward to when her parents are aging and pass away and how you can act (within reason and minding your own and your children's needs) in a way that at least stays out of the way of her need to complete her relationship with her parents.  I hope this is helpful, but if none of this makes sense, just ignore it

[JaybirdA]

Wentworth,
Yeah, I think it's a little bit of both. I think they tend to make pretty rash and impulsive decisions, but I also think there are some other factors involved and blaming me makes it easier for them.

In terms of attempting to mend fences, my wife and I have talked about it and for a variety of reasons she doesn't want me to. She sort of wants them to go. She's always had a difficult relationship with them, and the way they interact with our kids perpetuates it.

The part that worries me, in terms of improving my relationship with my wife, is that in the interest of getting them out of dodge, at least in part, by making no effort to mend fences is most likely going to end up being a problem in our relationship at some point. As you note, when they are older or circumstances change, it would be good to have things on better terms. And once you get on their bad side, they hold a grudge. I'm sure I'm going to be hearing it from them--directly or indirectly--for some time to come.

All in all, though, as you say, it doesn't pass the reasonable test. Thanks for your thoughts!

[Radcliff]

Hi JaybirdA,

Great to hear that you and your wife are on the same page, at least for now.  I think you've sized up the situation well, that there is some future risk of her being upset with you.  It totally makes sense if she feels ambivalent about them.  At some point, it might be good to have a conversation with her about what she wants the "new normal" to look like -- when/how much to visit them, do you send the kids to the grandparents without you or her, etc.  Topics to consider are what you want for your kids (optimal kind and amount of contact for them to get some grandparent love if that's forthcoming, and to be connected to their roots if the benefits outweigh the drawbacks), as well as where she wants her relationship to go with them, understanding that they won't be around forever and she may eventually want closure.  That's if you feel comfortable leading on emotional topics.  Your wife may not want to discuss any of this, and if so, just be gently supportive of her interactions with them and follow her lead; years from now, you'll know you took the high road and did the most you could.

[JaybirdA]

Good advice, thanks!