Just Married, BPD Mother in Law - Hubby in denial most of the time.

[BLOOMood]

Hello All,

I don't even know where to begin, but I am relieved to find others who can relate to the strange and stressful world of dealing with BPD MIL.

My husband & I have been together for 5 years, and just got married this summer. I rescued him from his mothers grips and he is thankful to me for helping him escape so to speak. He realizes how much he was held back by her some of the time, but goes back and forth. He is the youngest of her 4 children. His siblings are all old enough to be his parents and all have different fathers. He does not even have a clear timeline of when his parents were together because everybtime she talks about it, her story changes. He remembers visiting his mom's male friends in hotel rooms  as a child so she could get money from them.

One of his brothers committed suicide shortly after we were together after reconnecting wity his mother following 20 years of estrangement. She now blames all of her issues on his death.

I could write a novel trying to explain examples of her behavior but she fits the most extreme of every BPD trait I have ever seen listed.

She has never worked a day in her life and somehow manages to mooch money off of ex husbands and an elderly man that she "works for", but before that, my husband supported her entirely.

It was very difficult for us to move on in our relationship because she relied on my now husband giving her a place to live and supporting her. She is so domineering that she kept him from going to college, having a social life with friends, or any freedom at all as a young adult. His life revolved around working his butt off so she could blow his money and pretend like it was hers. She charged up his credit catds, put cable in his name and without his knowledge, then stopped paying the bill, ruining his credit, etc.

Luckily, 4 years ago, a legal situation caused by my BPD (now) MIL came to a head that forced my (now) husband to hire a lawyer and move out once and for all. From that moment forward we moved close to my work ( about an hour away)  and have lived a calm, happy life. He has the chance to make friends, go to school, and live without chaos.

My biggest fear is that she has no means to support herself and will eventually expect to move in with us. She thinks that her children exist to support her. She vilifies his brother and sister and exaggerates their angry behavior towards her. I made it clear to my husband that his mom can never live with us. He agrees, but I have witnessed her manipulating him for sympathy for years now. When he gets mad at her she suddenly becomes " sick" and reels him back in. My husband is such a kind, caring person and cannot always see her manipulation for what it is.

Anyway, I am here for support and to read other people's experiences so I can navigate this situation in the best way possible.

[Kwamina]

Hi BLOOMood

Welcome to bpdfamily. Your husband had quite a difficult childhood with his BPD mother based on what you've shared here. Losing his brother in such a tragic way is just horrible. Did your husband perhaps get any specialized support to help him deal with the loss of his brother?

Dealing with BPD family-members unfortunately can be very difficult. Your husband has lived a certain way for very long and changing can then also be quite difficult. Do you perhaps feel like your husband lets himself be controlled by his mother out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

Knowing what you know about her and the experiences you've had, I understand why you would not want her living with you. Having firm boundaries is important, particularly being able and willing to enforce/defend those boundaries. Does your husband also think his mother has BPD?

The Board Parrot

[snowglobe]

Dear @BlooMood, you just described a setuation very similar to the one I've been in for 16 years. My husband came from similar kind of background, uBPDmil never worked a day of her life, relied on husband to provide for her. When we met I did not first realize the setuation but something seemed off. He was turing into a zombie ready to jump at her any request. She always "knows better, has an advice and opinion and considers herself a jack of all traits". This woman sure knows how to control others, also constantly pulls I'm so sick I must be dying card for my h to come and rescue her. Only then I have to deal with a financial hole in our budget and my h mixed emotions. He, unfortuanly suffered from BPD symptoms himself which only adds more stress to the entire setuation. I wish you strength and go with your gut. I consider myself and my kids a small country, very country protects its borders and interests of its citizens. Although, ideally all countries want to share economic space and cooperate, sometimes sunctions are in order to prevent full blown out war. Protect your borders and your interests

[BLOOMood]

@kwamina No, my husband has not had therapy. I think he could use it more dealing with his mother than his brother's death. He was actually very angry with his brother before his death and that increased after his death. Of course he was very sad, but he wished that his brother would have just stayed away instead of leaving for 20 years, then returning for a few weeks to commit suicide. He is amazingly calm and stable in most situations, and I feel that it would be a hard sell to convince him to go to therapy. I think he sees himself as a strong person who has weathered a lot, and survived.

I definitely think it is guilt that overtakes him when it comes to hus mother's controlling behavior. She is a master of playing the victim and she knows exactly what to say to gain sympathy from him. She loves to remind him of how she raised him all by herself. ( she didn't want his father in the picture and still doesn't)

I talked to him about this board and how I believe his mother has BPD and he agreed. He says that growing up he learned to just tune her out and ignore her to preserve his sanity. He is an extremely accomplished musician, and that is partially because practicing was his only way to escape from her. She couldn't talk over the music, so that was his escape.

My concern is that the family, and even my husband are aware that she has mental problems, but they kind of just accept that it is how she is and there is no changing it. He has a hard time standing up to his mother when she is being pushy because I think he needs to believe that she really loves and cares about him. He cant admit to himself that he is just a pawn to control in her life.

When she is around, it is constant chaos and I feel my blood pressure rising, but he is immune to the stress, as if he compartmentalizes it. There are times, of course, where she crosses the line, even for him. Im glad we have started to talk openly about his mom's mental issues and I hope that is a starting point.

@Snowglobe

I fear the day that she is literally homeless, which could happen any time. Although my husband agrees that she shouldnt live here, I wonder what would happen if she was actually on the street with nowhere to go. She loves to remind him that "she is his MOTHER" and he owes her. My MIL also loves to act as an expert on everything, even though she is flat out wrong about most things that she says.

We do not have children yet but I am certain that she will push to insert herself as the nanny when we do. She currently takes care of her great granddaughter 4 days/ week and I can't understand how they trust her with their child. Even my husband says " she would never hurt a baby" but I can see her taking out her anger to get back at the mother or grandmother ( who she constantly badmouths to us). I will NEVER let that happen. She looked after his dog for a year or 2 and I swear he has emotional issues. We stopped her from screaming in his ear for no reason once, then we brought him home with us as soon as we could. I am confident in my relationship with my husband, but she is the only challenge that I fear could come between us and I'm determined not to let that happen. I know that my husband sees more and more how disfunctional his family and his mom are, so Im always taken aback when he bends to her manipulation. Thanks for sharing your situation and reminding me to hold firm to my boundaries.