We've Hit Boredom

[Tattered Heart]

My H and I have not had any arguments since Saturday. But we are bored. It's too hot to go outside to do anything. We've just been watching TV. We have run out of things to talk about and he rarely wants to go anywhere or spend money on doing activities.

He loves conversation with me, but we have so many topics that are off limits. Most of them are topics that at one point I used to enjoy sharing my thoughts with him, but over time, he began to use those thoughts and beliefs against me or would get angry if my opinion was different than his, so I stopped sharing. Sadly, these are topics that I'm really passionate about, and could talk about them in depth with others, but not with him.

We don't have children so we don't have that as a distraction. I could easily spend the evening entertaining myself, but if I do too much stuff alone, he feels rejected and will blow up. I also want to try to connect with him in activities since he is doing so well right now.

I need ideas on things to do! What do other couples that don't fight all the time do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gumiho]

Hi TH


Hmm what about still going outside but into some climated building?

We love to go window shopping, coffee shops, eat out or play some billiard, or maybe escape to some waterpark... just to name a few.

Yet I don't know about your area, but Seoul has practically unlimited opportunities~~

And yes it's too hot this summer haha.

Alternatively how about cutting on the least blow-upy favorite topic and escape when your neckhair starts to stand up? ^^


Gumiho


PS: well we fight all the time though   ... been fine for the last week though *touches wood*

[MrRight]

Hi TH


Hmm what about still going outside but into some climated building?

We love to go window shopping, coffee shops, eat out or play some billiard, or maybe escape to some waterpark... just to name a few.

Yet I don't know about your area, but Seoul has practically unlimited opportunitues~~

And yes it's too hot this summer haha.

Alternatively how about cutting on the least blow-upy favorite topic and escape when your neckhair starts to stand up? ^^


Gumiho


PS: well we fight all the time though   ... been fine for the last week though *touches wood*

must be cost free - OP said he doesn't want to spend money going out. Something, being in debt,  I can well understand.

[Gumiho]

must be cost free - OP said he doesn't want to spend money going out. Something, being in debt,  I can well understand.

Well I am an undergrad student with high debts and those don't quite bite a hole into the budget, but well, I live in Korea (no idea about the US).

[Tattered Heart]

We can afford it. He just doesn't like to spend money (I think it's actually his excuse to stay home). 

[Gumiho]

How about online games? I have a friends-couple in Finland (they are basically trapped inside all year around), and they never seem to get bored~

Or maybe get some fun cardboard game? There are types you can play for days and weeks I heard (no idea, and requires a minimum amount of cash at some second-hand shop).

What kind of stuff is H usually enjoying to engage in? ... .maybe that could spurn some ideas ^^

[Triedmybest408]

try cooking or baking with each other.

I hate cooking, but i found doing stuff together keeps her mind off things... .

exercise outside? even though its hot... .I would tolerate it if it meant no fighting/raging.

[Gumiho]

Hi TMB408

try cooking or baking with each other.

Awesome idea! I was going to suggest that, then I remebered me nagging to gf about mutilating my kitchen tools and cutting onions sloppily (she hates cooking too), hahah that backfired to gf saying "I will never cook again with you"

Any creative activity is great for a change~

And again swimming lies close in the summer heat, as for exercising (which generally is forbidden here ㅜㅜ)!

[Tattered Heart]

What kind of stuff is H usually enjoying to engage in? ... .maybe that could spurn some ideas ^^

Honestly. I don't know. The only thing he has ever really wanted to do is debate and talk. We both love being out in the yard, but I live in SW MO. People from Arizona find our heat hard to handle. Until you've experienced one of our late summers, it's hard to even imagine what it's like.

I found some craft ideas for homemade bird feeders. So that's what we are doing tonight.

I'm feeling quite sad to realize that without conflict we don't have much to do together. It just shows me how out of whack our life is. I'm seeing how much of my time is spent just trying to avoid conflict. And when there is no conflict, we are bored with each other. Is that not the definition of dysfunction? I get what I've always wanted (peace in my home) even if it is temporary, and I'm so uncomfortable with it. Looks like I have a lot of inner stuff to think on.

 I hope the bird feeders goes well.  

[Gumiho]

I agree we easily get swamped in avoiding.

How about remembering what you used to do in the time when you first met?

... some things never get old ^^

Good luck with the bird feeders~~

[Radcliff]

Hello Tattered Heart!

Earlier today I happen to have stumbled on two old New York Times articles you might be interested in.  The first could feed your discussions.  It's 36 questions that are supposed to draw people into love faster.  The second is a bit about movie date night being as effective as two methods of couples therapy.  Apparently, with well selected movies about relationships, it will spur healthy discussions.  Perhaps you could rent some movies?  I know that's not too far from watching TV, but maybe the relationship movies will get you going.  I hope these are useful!

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/10/movie-date-night-can-double-as-therapy/

I liked the cooking idea.  Cooking together can take some coordination and can end with grumpiness and hurt feelings depending on how things go.  But when my wife and I pull it off, it can be very rewarding.

[MrRight]

TH I know how you feel.

When I first met mine one of the things that attracted me was our talks - we had a lot in common, views etc.

But later - she's impossible to talk to - sees a difference of opinion as me attacking her - invalidating I suppose.

Now I never bring anything up - let her introduce topics and carefully negotiate myself  through.

I'm banned from watching the news anyway - so there's not much to talk about.

she insists on going out though and likes to be treated. and it costs us as a family at least £50 every time we go out ($65) minimum - a day out is £100 easily. I have £40K debt so cant afford these trips out.

[pearlsw]

Maybe you could find short comedy videos to watch together online? Perhaps things that bring laughter into your interaction can help uplift your spirits and improve your connection? Perhaps you can go on a mini film spree? You have a sudden need to watch three French films or three films on the environment or something? Like curating your own mini at home film festival? Perhaps watching a video on a totally new topic neither of you know anything about so it is "neutral" and carries no baggage from past disagreements? Good luck!

[Pedro]

Do you have shared interests in music, films or theatre. Have s theme night at home with a certain decade or genre of films that you both like? Are your music tastes the same, perhaps but a dvd of a band playing in concert you both like? Watch a play or theatre that's being made into films. Any hobbies or crafts you could do together or watch them on TV. Quite commonly shown on UK & USA tv from my own experiences?

[Tattered Heart]

THanks for all the ideas everyone!

My H was in a great mood when I got home yesterday and even though we planned on making the bird feeders, we ended up talking about redecorating our bathroom. He approved all my colors! We looked at cabinet hardware and shower curtains. It was a lot of fun and he was very open to ideas.

He offered to cook dinner while I made cheesecake for dessert and he didn't get grouchy while cooking.

[MrRight]

THanks for all the ideas everyone!

My H was in a great mood when I got home yesterday and even though we planned on making the bird feeders, we ended up talking about redecorating our bathroom. He approved all my colors! We looked at cabinet hardware and shower curtains. It was a lot of fun and he was very open to ideas.

He offered to cook dinner while I made cheesecake for dessert and he didn't get grouchy while cooking.

Fantastic - hope it lasts.

I was going to suggest films. It's a good one for me - as I can chill out for the 2 hours it takes to watch a film with her - no interaction(yipee). The price is paid though when she wants to talk about the film later.

[MrRight]

Sorry I dont want to hijack your thread - other members may find this useful.

With films she has shown me dozens of her favourite films over the years - and I try to be appreciative. On the rare occasion when I show her a film I like - she either makes a big show of yawning or starts to ridicule. The end result is I have not bothered to involve her in anything that interests me.

[HelenaHandbasket]

My husband and I like playing board games--Scrabble, Balderdash, and Scattergories are favorites. We also like the card games Scrabble Slam (very fast paced and fun) and Exploding Kittens.

You can also take walks in the early morning or around dusk when it's not so hot. Is there an arboretum or similar pretty place nearby? You might also check to find out whether any of the local museums/art galleries have free or "suggested donation" days.

[Radcliff]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Sorry, I thought I posted last night, but it looks like it didn't go through.  

I'm so happy you had a good time talking about the bathroom!  That reminds me of some of the good times my wife and I had in earlier days.  Paint, drawer hardware, and shower curtains are the perfect example of how you can feel like you're improving something together while not spending much money at all!  We've found painting a room can be a great, and inexpensive lift!  The actual painting can be tricky.  My wife likes to roll the walls and get quick satisfaction, leaving the edging and molding to me.  She then wonders why she painted most of the room and I'm not done yet!

Yesterday I stumbled on a couple of interesting NY Times articles when I was a couple of distractions deep while online.  One talked about movie night with your spouse being studied and found to be as effective as two different kinds of marriage counseling.  The idea is that substantive love movies (not romantic comedy fluff) give you meaningful things to talk about.  Not to say that *any* of us need marriage counseling  but it seemed like a good way to do something together and fight boredom.  The other link had 36 questions that are intended to spur discussion and deepen connection/love.  Both of these made me think of you, as you said you and H like to talk.  Both can be done in the air conditioning!

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/10/movie-date-night-can-double-as-therapy/

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

[MrRight]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Sorry, I thought I posted last night, but it looks like it didn't go through.  

I'm so happy you had a good time talking about the bathroom!  That reminds me of some of the good times my wife and I had in earlier days.  Paint, drawer hardware, and shower curtains are the perfect example of how you can feel like you're improving something together while not spending much money at all!  We've found painting a room can be a great, and inexpensive lift!  The actual painting can be tricky.  My wife likes to roll the walls and get quick satisfaction, leaving the edging and molding to me.  She then wonders why she painted most of the room and I'm not done yet!

Yesterday I stumbled on a couple of interesting NY Times articles when I was a couple of distractions deep while online.  One talked about movie night with your spouse being studied and found to be as effective as two different kinds of marriage counseling.  The idea is that substantive love movies (not romantic comedy fluff) give you meaningful things to talk about.  Not to say that *any* of us need marriage counseling  but it seemed like a good way to do something together and fight boredom.  The other link had 36 questions that are intended to spur discussion and deepen connection/love.  Both of these made me think of you, as you said you and H like to talk.  Both can be done in the air conditioning!

https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/10/movie-date-night-can-double-as-therapy/

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

Home decorating together?

this is my greatest nighmare, or one of - I cant tell you what a headache it gives me. Now if she went away for 1 week and gave me a list of jobs I would take my time - do a good job, listen to some opera while I do it - take plenty of breaks.

But she has to get it done fast - the faster the better. No need to sand down surfaces before painting - dont worry about bubbles in the wall paper - get it on and double fast. Dont bother protecting the carpet with masking tape along the skirting boards and make sure you get plenty of paint on that brush when you do the ceiling.

And all the hysterics that accompanies - unexpected missiles hitting me from all angles because I'm not doing an efficient job.

Glad it works for some of you.

As for board games - well she always has to win. So that is out.

Reading would be good - but every 5 minutes she stops my reading to quote out of her book.

Sorry - what a moan. Good night all.

[Pedro]

Welcome to my world. My exgf BPD & remodelled our home on our spare time over 4 years haha. Sorry know how you feel. We bonded well over this and supported each other 100% over this
Good luck