Feeling like I'm at my wits end and about to give up

[Frankee]

I have been with my fiancée for three years.  Not sure where to start.  Quick background, he was abandoned by his mother at 2, raised by an mentally and physically abusive alcoholic father, spent 6 years in prison, enduring horrible things, has gone through foster homes, was in and out of mental hospitals, his mother found a new family, wouldn't let him come home because of new husband.  Also spent a lot of time running a motorcycle club and then having the entire club abandon post.  I understand why he is the way he is with his life and I've tried to be supportive, but he seems to be getting worse.  He says he hates me because I always lie and he doesn't want to be with someone that lies all the time.  He says I have lied from day one (which is extreme exaggeration) and hates me because I still do.  Yes, I do.  About stupid stuff.  Stuff that doesn't even matter, but I hate to appear forgetful or like an airhead.  Which I now realize is better than lying.  I have done a lot better, but I still do it out of habit and trying really hard to break it.

I have a six year old from previous relationship and we have a one year old together.  Last few days have seem like utter hopeless.  We actually had a discussion where he was going to have his brothers move into an RV park and find me a studio apt because he was done with all of us.  I didn't fight it.  I had mentally given up and was thinking more and more that this way was the only way to survive what little mental state I have.  The worse part is, he wasn't going to let me have the kids.  He was going to make me leave and the kids were staying with him.  I have no energy or financial resources available to begin to even fight that battle.  All I could utter out was that I love the kids and I can't be without them.  We left it at that.  Feeling a world away from each other and both feeling despair and hopeless.  We didn't talk, I too a long hard look at what my life was about to become.  Our kids was all I could think of.  Not being around them everyday or being able to take care of them would be the absolute end of me.  The following day I search all over the internet, trying to find out how to salvage my broken home.  I finally found the words that spoke from the heart.  I sent him a heartfelt message saying I heard his pain and that's it's ok not to always be ok and he's been strong for so long. 

To the point, today he misinterpreted an action I did and went off the rails.  I could tell he was already in a bad mood so I was trying to keep things light.  He has made a snide comment about how I put things off and that's how I got in trouble before (kind of ruined my credit).  He asked if I had called our credit people.  As soon as he said that, it reminded me.  So I said no and went to go pull out my phone to pull up their number to call them later and save it in my contacts.  When I pulled out my phone, he took it as something about how I was about to lie and make up some story about how I called and had to leave a voicemail.  They he carried on about how I was trying to buy some time to make up an excuse or some lie about how I couldn't get a hold of them.  That made him continue on with after what I said yesterday that I continue to lie.  Then when I told the student loan program people to call back at noon because he hadn't gone to the bank yet. (He had to go set up a bank account to continue with the application)  Then he went off about how I knew that that was a bad time and how he was now going to have to leave four hours early instead of two to go get this done.  I was doing all of this just to f*** with him and that I was a piece of trash.  His brother was in the room by the way.  So I excuse myself to use the bathroom and try to fight back the tears, I hear him say to his brother about how I think I make the rules around here and everything has to be my way apparently.  When all this was happening, I was so shell shocked at the 180 he had done.  Not but half an hour earlier, we were laughing at our youngest, following him around, carrying his empty diaper box.  I thought, this is a good start to the day.  Everyone smiling.  So I was left feeling devastated by the loss of control, dumbfounded, not sure what to say except that it's not what I was doing (which of course made him think I was lying when I said that).

I was late to work because I had to compose myself and make sure nobody knew I had been crying.  After he left, I felt such rage inside that I wanted to smash everything and break anything I could get my hands on.

This isn't me.  I am a happy, friendly, strong, loving, empathic, understanding, kind person.  Not the raging, empty, lonely, devastated, hopeless, feeling that he's been leaving me with. 

I'm trying to stay strong.  I'm trying to watch more of what I say and do so it's not misinterpreted.  I'm trying to put on a public happy face for work.  I'm trying to be a good mother and not take out this sea of emotions out on them.  But I don't feel the love like it use too.  I can't remember the last time he showed me an sort of affection, I seem to always have to initiate any physical touch.  I feel hollow.  How am I supposed to be strong for my family and show him I still support him with his disorder, when the only thing I feel I'm getting back is verbal and emotional abuse. 

I know I have my faults.  I know I've made mistakes.  I know that I do things that are stupid.  It just doesn't help when the one that is suppose to love me, uses these things as cruel punishment when he feels I have done him wrong in some way.  There is the truth and just saying things to be intentionally cruel and hurtful.  And he can be extremely cruel.

Leaving is not an option.  Please do not suggest.  I have to find a way to deal with the choice I made to stay with some of my sanity still in tact. 

[Turkish]

Hello Frankee,

I'm sorry that you are struggling so.  You sound trapped.  Would you see it this way?

To begin,  you may want to look at the articles to the right of the board,  under What is the First Step. The communication tools can help reduce conflict. Additionally,  you can read about how they have helped past members get through crisis points.  

Aside from his overall control issues,  I'm also concerned about his possessiveness over the kids.  He has no legal standing regarding your 6 year old. You may feel alone right now,  but there are likely local resources you can contact (anonymously at this point) who can support and direct you.  The local YWCA can help,  for example.  I found them very helpful in a situation I had to go through with my daughter.  What do you think?

Domestic Violence isn't necessarily just physical; rather,  there are many aspects which lie under an overall umbrella of one partner asserting control over another.  Take a look here for more on this, and a discussion:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.msg580701#msg580701

You may feel alone and trapped right now,  but there is help out there.  We will also,  of course,  be here for you on the board  

Turkish