I need help

[DazedandSpinning]

I need help.

I don't know where to start. When it's bad, I guess I always feel this way - devastated, rejected, worthless, and the blame.

He is the most loving man I have ever met. He is the most hurtful man I have ever met.

He loves me. He hates. And when he hates me, he hurts me like no one else ever has my whole life. His words cut me like a razor blade. He goes for the jugular every time. He often comes back remorseful, and I get entangled again.

When it's good, he is loving, kind, thoughtful, and charismatic. When it's not good, he is judgemental, critical, harsh, and manipulative.

But is it him? Or am I all these things? Sometimes I feel like I'm in the twilight zone and dealing with multiple personalities... .how can this hurtful man be the same man that adores and cherished me just yesterday?

The behaviour is so extreme. He pulls for me, demanding me immediately, and is consumed with me. He is jealous and doesn't like me interacting with others too much.

But sometimes he's loving and encourages me to connect with friends.

Why is he treating me this way? How is this the same man? Why can't I breathe? It feels like I'm dying some days.

He controls me. He says I control him. His expectations are crazy. Am I crazy?

I love him. It feels I can't live without him. Why can't I leave him? He hurts me.

Is it me? He says something is wrong with me. Maybe it is.

I'm spinning. And I'm hurting. And then when he comes back and apologizes with remorse,I'll be high and in-love again and on top of the world.

He pulls me in begging. He kicks me away rejecting. He tells me to trust him, but then if I do then I'm too needy.

I feel completely crazy

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mother Moth]

Hi Dazed and Spinning, welcome. I am new to this forum as well, but can honestly say that I (or many of us here) could have written your post word for exact word. You are dealing with a partner that has a personality disorder. The disorder affects your partner in ways that are not logical to a normal mind. They are paradoxical creatures. And without some therapy their condition is likely to worsen over time. Educate yourself through the articles on this website. They are excellent. Read everything you can on Borderline personality disorder. Antisocial personality disorder, and narcissists. You partner may have traits of any or possibly all of them. You are not crazy. You are being subjected to words and actions that don't match. Flag! If something in your gut says DANGER! Listen to it. Trust yourself. We are here for you.

[DazedandSpinning]

Dear Mother Moth,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. There is some relief in writing these words down. They feel like a dark secret I hold on to and am ashamed to discuss with anyone. I feel isolated and alone. How do I criticize a personality disorder or someone who needs help? When he's good, he is so so incredible and loving.

We're fighting now. And it feels like I'm being gutted. He is cold and has distanced himself by interacting with others and acting like he doesn't care about me. It hurts so much. It's like a viscous cycle when it happens. And then he comes back when I somehow manage to scrape myself off the ground. He seems so genuinely remorseful and is over the top loving. I always give in because I miss him so much. I'm in-love with a man that keeps disappearing... .

... .over time, it seems to impact by self esteem and self worth. It feels like I'm worthless without his love. I know that's not true and sounds so dramatic, but it's literally like being watered daily and then suddenly starved unexpectedly.

I love him. I would sooner we figure out a way to get better together, but he doesn't think he's BP. He's been diagnosed with depression and bi-polar disorder in the past. He explains his highs and lows and depression.

I feel high and low with him. I find myself becoming depressed from the roller coaster ride, but I don't want to lose him.

I feel trapped and ... .

God, I read back my words and they sound pathetic, don't they?

I'm educated. I'm kind. I'm a good citizen. I'm a good friend. I'm a loyal sibling and daughter.

I've asked my therapist if I'm possibly borderline and she doesn't think so. He's attended couples with me and she said he more fits the criteria.

I'm lost and spinning... .

PS I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and it certainly fits our relationship... .

[allienoah]

Welcome Dazedandspinning...
First, I am here to tell you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal considering the situation you find yourself in. I am so sorry that you are so hurt, bewildered and unhappy.
This forum has been a lifesaver for so many, with its articles and support people. I have been finding my own way out of my abyss with it.
The push/pull dynamic is so exhausting and defeating. I too had a severe issue with my self esteem ending up in the toilet, and although I am still in my r/s, I am finding my voice and my soul again.
You will too. Remember that YOU COUNT. He can rage all he wants to, but you don't have to accept what he says. I made the mistake of actually believing the nonsense that came out of my bf's mouth. That reduced me to a shadow of what I was and alienated so many of my loved ones. They didn't want to deal with my bf's nonsense and hated how he treated me.
Don't feel that you are alone, and carrying a terrible cross in secret. It is very helpful to get it out and hear suggestions for dealing with your bf and showing care for yourself.

[DazedandSpinning]

Dear Allienoah,

Thank you. I feel so emotional reading your replies, thank you.

It feels like an overwhelming battle. I don't tell my family members and friends because they will judge him. Two people I have told hate him because of seeing me hurt. I don't want anyone to hate him. He's struggling and doesn't need to be judged. No one needs judgement. I know it's hard to see a friend hurting, and so, I don't reach out. And honestly, I don't have many friends anymore. Our relationship consumes a lot of my time.

He is able to have an active life, but he seems to get jealous and resentful if I try and have an active life and social circle. He seems to want me all to himself, but then when I afford him my time for too much or too long, he pushes me away... .especially if I ask for emotional support.

Am I repeating myself? I'm sorry. It feels so good to release some of this.

Right now as we fight, I feel rejected and alone. I tell myself I deserve better and maybe I should move on, but really... .I just want him to call and apologize for being so harsh. I want to be held and kissed on my forehead.

When he's harsh, he's so harsh. And it's like I'm desperate for him to take the words back because I too believe them.

Thank you so much for replying. It's not always doom and gloom. We also have a lot of fun together when things are good. He's intelligent, funny, and quite capable of compassion. We have a lot of physical chemistry also.

When it's bad, it's horrible. When it's good, oh... .it's just so good.

I know I need to make a decision on my own. I know I am in control of how I let people treat me. I know boundaries are important. I could offer the most rational advice if it were to anyone else. I know the right answers. But when it comes to behaving as I should and taking back control, I just don't.

I know I'm accountable. I know I am. And yet somehow, I feel powerless.

That's my truth for now. I'd be lying to say anything else.

Thank you so much for listening and have a beautiful day. 

[DazedandSpinning]

Allienoah:

I'm also so glad to hear you are doing better in your relationship in setting boundaries. I just realized I talked about me the whole time in my response. I'm sorry. Your response felt good and hearing you relate did too.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you the best of luck as you love and grow your best self. Positive vibes and love to you.

[allienoah]

Dazedandspinning:
We all are here for each other. Thank you for your thoughts. I battle with my friends/family over their judgements and as you pointed out, no one needs judgement. Unfortunately a by-product of our friends loving us, is that they dislike anyone they feel does us wrong. I guess they look at it as loyalty, but they forget that WE love the person. My bf can be the most romantic, kind, social, and fun partner around. You're right, it's not always doom and gloom. If it was, our decision would be so much easier to make and we would just move on.
You and I as nons, we have more control than we give ourselves credit for. I do notice that the more I remove myself from his rantings, and maintain what I am going to do, the shorter the rages go on. And he realizes that his constant threats of breaking up with me will be met with "ok no problem" from me. It took a very long time for me to get here. And I won't tell you that I don't get sick to my stomach when that happens. I just don't cave in anymore and find I can have peace if he goes radio silent. Clearly I keep getting sucked back in, but I don't feel as helpless anymore.
You have every right to speak your truth, and to feel completely different day by day, hour by hour. They certainly keep us on edge.
I hope you are having a somewhat peaceful day. You are NOT alone at all.
I'm sending positive vibes and love back!