need a kickstart

[bigD86]

Where to start . . . wow. Thankful to find a place like this. This is my very first time sharing. 

For the past year, I have been reading and studying BPD. In my heart, I know that my wife is dealing with this.  She exhibits all of the hallmarks.  The only one I don't see is the risky behaviors and drug/alcohol abuse, although in her 20s she incurred a lot of credit card debt.  She no longer spends to excess.

But everything else is there. The biggest thing I am dealing with right now is this idea that I can't control her, but I can control myself.  I believe that is where I should start and probably stay. Take care of myself emotionally, set limits, try to understand that she is not lashing out at me but that she is frustrated by her suffering and wants to get out.

I want to stay with her because I really believe she is suffering and I want to help. Her sarcasm during an "event" is terribly cutting and cruel. Yet I see on her face that she is suffering, like she wants to die, as if she is in the grip of something she cannot escape.

I have gone through all the stages, multiple times. Trying to change her. Trying to help. Trying to love it out of her.  Trying to let her know that, no, her family doesn't hate her. No, my family doesn't hate you. No, the kids don't hate you. No, the church people don't hate you.  Two days of silence, binge watching, isolation, then---peace for a week. Morning runs, delicious food, smiles, cuddling. 

Then there is a trigger.  Usually, it's a family event.  Or something mundane--laundry, messy kitchen.  We talk about it.  Then it quickly devolves and the cycle begins again. It's very sad, I know it isn't supposed to be this way.  This is way, way beyond normal household conflict. I am coming to accept it.

So, I am hoping by being here I can kickstart a better life for myself and maybe give a lifeline to my precious, hurting wife and my confused children. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi, Thanks for sharing about yourself. It's a real comfort to know we are all in this together. This site means so much to me too, knowing I have a safe, healthy, understanding place to run to when the dark phases hit. One almost hit last night, but I did a lot of validating and managed to help steer my partner out of it thank goodness, but I am watching carefully today to see if it is gonna pop up again. I am recognizing that when he is away from me for too many hours, day after day, his mind can get very off track. If he doesn't feel loved/connected/feels abandoned, then... .he can spin out very fast.

Has your wife been studying up on this information too, or just you? My partner does not have all the traits either, so that threw me off for a long time in sorting this out. But now I am utterly convinced this is the "right neighborhood", he's on this spectrum somewhere.

When I tell my partner that after his kid's summer visit ends in a week or so I want to share some things I've learned here with him he is open. I know it is not easy for him. He hates the idea of having "mental illness", "illness" is a scary word, and "mental" carries a lot of stigma for some, but he is at least open to improving things.

He knows there is something "off" about this extreme behavior and I got him a little excited about at least understanding more about what is happening inside him. It helped connect him and make him feel less odd when I told him I can understand a little of what he might feel like, when his brain switches into another realm, because I have PMS and I can't do much with my brain 1 day or so a month.  

I'm lucky though, he sees me as "easy to get along with" and "funny" and I am still "his dream" so... .all of that gives me some hope. But oh, does it make the dark phases so hard, to be dropped so low... .right into the garbage after being on such a high pedestal!

I'm finding the more I recognize the triggers the shorter or less severe these dramatic episodes can be. The hard part is having the energy and mental wherewithal to step up and jump in and help "save things" before he falls off a mental cliff! Oh, life!"

Do you (or anyone) have any ideas on how to deal with the "family event trigger" you mentioned? Are your kids younger or older? Do they understand what is happening? When I tried to talk a little to his 16 yr. old she just got upset/confused.

[bigD86]

Our kids are teens. They understand that mom has tough time dealing with her emotions.  When they were younger, her outbursts at me were much more severe than they are now. She seems to know now that the kids are older and tend to "witness" her behavior, she is much more adept at waiting for times when the kids aren't home to unload. She has told me may times that she is afraid that I will take the kids away from her and leave her alone. I promise her I won't.  And then when she is triggered, she gives me every reason in the world to leave her. It is mind-boggling, it is just mystifying to me.

Unfortunately, I know that as the kids get older and get married, she will start the abandonment fantasies with them and their spouses. It's only a matter of time.  She portrays herself as normal to all of her friends and family. But she is angry at them, almost weekly, for perceived slights. She says they never call.  And when they call, she won't answer her phone. Then she wonders why people don't call her.  And she always believes I am on their side.  And I am not doing anything, literally just sitting their listening to her.

The triggers are starting to become clearer to me. Family events-birthdays, Christmas--with either side of the family goes well at first.  Then on the drive home--silence.  I ask her what is wrong, she says nothing. She goes to bed, never speaking a word to me. The next morning she gets up and it begins. I ask her what happened and she just says "Oh, its just their attitude. They don't like me. They think somethings wrong with me. You always take their side. When are you going to start being on my side."  And it goes on and on.

It's been this way for 21 years.

I have been reading the "eggshells" book and I am starting to rebuild my life. I have much more compassion.  The last time she melted down, I saw on her face a look of utter, unimaginable suffering.  It was despair.  It shocked me to the core. But I am trying to repeat to myself:  you can't change it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.  I can't save her.  That's been very tough to swallow.

But I can control my behavior and my responses.  So I have committed to changing what I can and taking care of myself so that, if possible, I might be able to at least give her a lifeline.

[Radcliff]

Hello bigD86,

It sounds like you're taking a good approach.  I'm right there with you -- 23 year marriage, teenage kids.  As for you, it was very helpful to me to realize that my wife is suffering genuinely and not trying to be cruel.  It helps me empathize, though at this point I'm feeling like I'm nearing the end of my rope.  In addition to Eggshells, I also read:

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

as well as "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."

This site has a nice book reviews page.

For me, it helped me to read Eggshells a few times to get it to sink in.  I sometimes feel like a slow learner, especially when I don't have my "A" game on.

[bigD86]

Hello bigD86,

It sounds like you're taking a good approach.  I'm right there with you -- 23 year marriage, teenage kids.  As for you, it was very helpful to me to realize that my wife is suffering genuinely and not trying to be cruel.


I appreciate the support. I have been learning a lot, putting things into practice. Starting to notice patterns (weekends and Mondays) repeated phrases and criticisms. Just this morning she reminded me that she wanted to divorce me but couldn't, a phrase I have heard from her a thousand times. She just walked into the bedroom after her shower and unloaded on me--about the kids, church, how I don't help her, how I don't care about her, etc. This happens with great frequency, usually weekend mornings or Monday mornings.  By tomorrow, she will hug me and tell me she wants to grow old with me and never leave her.   Such behavior mystified me in the past, but some of it is starting to make sense.

[Tattered Heart]

Seeing patterns can really help. If you know a situation or day of the week is coming up that causes dysregulation you can begin working on your own response ahead of time. Weekends are also a very difficult time for my H also. I've seen that Friday night and Sunday mornings are our worst days.

What's something you can work on during the weekends to re-direct behavior or change your response?