Nervous

[Indiegrl]

Hi all,
it's been a while. It's nearly 2,5 years since my last serious relationship with a man I believe has BPD ended. I have learned a lot. I have gained new insights, first and foremost on my own codependency. And several more issues concerning my own FOO and my own psychological and emotional luggage.

I had a short relationship a year ago. Something I hoped could grow into mature love, but it didn't, after some months slowly dating he acted as an immature fool, and I wouldn't have it. No heartbreak there, I wasn't in love in that way. Miss our talks though, I would have appreciated his friendship.

The last year I have struggled with some health issues, and have laid low, not up to any dating at all. A few times i tried to reactivate my online dating profile, but only felt nausea, absolutely not ready.

But this last month, my perspective changed: I feel like I miss out on the fun, on the good parts of life. I miss affection, I miss being near a man (haven't for a year), I miss talking with a man, I miss cuddling, I miss sex, I miss traveling with a partner. I realize I can't - shouldn't deny myself the pleasures in life just because I was devastated two years ago. I do believe I've done my healing process well: It's been hard work, and I'm still working on it (so many layers of insight... .; feel like I know a lot in theory now on how I ought to do things differently in order to obtain a healthy (not co-dependent) relationship. But that is theory - how will I perform in real life? Don't go along with the automatic responses, but stick to the new insights... .hmm, I really wouldn't know quite yet, I guess.)

This week I reactivated my profile again. Without feeling sick, more curious and a bit confident: I want that good stuff in my life!

Yesterday I started chatting with this guy - he didn't make a good first impression, but that changed quickly. And these last two days we have messaged a lot. Really a lot. So many messages, the communication flowing so easily, I feel the dynamics, I get the "feel" of him through the texts, he seems honest and straight-forward, I am honest too, but maybe sharing a little bit less than him actually.

And now... .I do feel nervous. Is this too fast? I feel like I use my hard-won insights, and I do not see any red flags... .except that the chatting has been intense for two days maybe. But then again - I haven't seen them before either. Gee. It is nerve-wracking. I do feel certain I will never ever fall for a classic BPD-we're-soulmates-from-day-1-fairytale ever again. I do feel certain I have the strength now to walk away if a manipulator starts pushing my FOG-buttons. But at the same time... .how the h*ll can I trust someone at this stage? I can't, can I? I must trust myself, and my ability to not feel obliged to a commitment too soon.

But please... .would you be so kind to share some of your own "rules" in the dating game? I do get intense, and I do want to dive into things, head first and full on, but I have learnt my lessons. But... .the words flow so easily when there is connection. It's so natural for me to share and be open when I meet a person who understands and are at the same level.

Taking time is key, not rushing. I know. Absurd sometimes, how you can communicate with a stranger (!) . And I mean; it's rare. Therefore I appreciate it.

Bottom line is this: This is my first experience with connection at this high level since my relationship with BPD-ex. And it scares me, it does. I know, connection is different than functioning in the real world etc. But connection comes first. Right?

If it was up to me, I'd date a man I knew, really have no urge to meet someone unknown, I long for the security of my network or myself knowing "this is an ok person". Hm, but there are not so many options where I live now, haven't seen any possible candidates this way in all these years.

Any advice/ soothing words/ wake-up calls are welcome. How did you cope with overcoming your insecurities?

<3 Thanx <3 

[msphotog]

Good lord, all I have to say is that I feel you!

Good on you for taking your time and analyzing yourself and your needs. I can relate your trepidation 1000%. I have no advice (I'm in the same spot myself), just hugs!

[Indiegrl]

msphotog - thanks! 

Well, the "problem" solved itself, haha, cause this guy I chatted with came to realize that due to my lack of spare time (living full time with kids) and the distance (2 hours traveling one way), there really was no point, both of us wanting a full relationship and no part-time once every other month thing... .I am glad he did acknowledged the level of quality and connection between us, so this was a positive experience. I actually felt relieved that the intense communication stopped! I feel so easily obliged! And probably I'm still not ready... .even though I'm missing out on all the joys of having a man in my life.

I kind of want a dog. Instead. Or rather: In lack of a good man, I would like to try raising a good family dog. Feeling like: If you put all that good effort into raising a dog, you know for sure that you will get an excellent and loyal familiymember for life. Doing the same for a man? Giving all your best, giving it all?   I do have a bad track record of choosing men... .

So... .I keep practicing on how to be self-assertive, clear and how to state my own needs and wants, on how to tell people what I want and don't want in a polite and kind way. I know I signal out, in my dating profile, that I am kind. And that is a core value for me: Be kind, always. No need to be nasty or rude or anything. So I try to uphold that level of kind and polite, and at the same time I am looking for a man who scores high on emotional maturity. Hmmm... .and now I have been approached (online) by two different men, both of them with profiles signaling loneliness and a bit helplessness, you know, that kind of men who in real life doesn't stand a chance of winning over a highly educated and complex woman, you know? And they are coming off soo needy, it hurts, they are ruining their own chance in a split second.

So, I do find it difficult to reject people. I want to please. I want to be liked. I can't stand the thought of people getting angry at me, or thinking that I am a cold and egoistic ___, that I am rude. (sigh... .heavy this, for me. Never thought I was such a people pleaser!)

I know I shouldn't explain myself. I'm not quite sure how I'm doing at being "bad" to other people (read: rejecting guys I feel absolutely no possible attraction towards in any manner), but I do think this might be good practice for me, actually... .

And I am kind. I always respond. I am honest and clear, I don't let anyone live in false hope of anything. But then they start arguing with me? Demanding answers: "Tell me what's wrong with me", "why don't you want to get to know me?", "If you let me, I will never hurt you and always be kind with you", "It is all up to you". Yuk.

So... .it's not my mission to teach these men some self-respect or the art of online dating, but gee. Online dating sucks. This experiment of mine of trying to be in there and not puke   ugh, it's hard work. 

Any uplifting stories out there? In a ratio of what (uplifting vs. depressive)? 

Any others getting a dog instead of a new partner? 

[rj47]

Take your time. Its about you this time around. If he's a quality human being, understanding, patient, and values your interactions and what you might offer; he will wait.

I had no choice but to get know someone over an extended period before meeting. But, in the end it was the best thing for both of us coming out of destructive relationships. There were few secrets and little that we didn't know about each other by the time we finally met. Of course we were nervous about that first meeting. I had to travel a long distance. But, discovering that the chemistry was right upon meeting it was as if we had known each other for years.

Not recommending an extended on-line courtship, but if you're worth the effort chatting he will step up and make the time to allow you to size him up before meeting.