Why did I go back?

[Justbecause]

So, it's hard to not think my ex has BPD, or at least strong traits associated with it. From day one my alerts were going, she was frail and had some kind of illness, and claimed she was in a very unhappy relationship she was scared to leave. She started seeing me then disappeared, then told me he was gone but threatening her and her two kids. Call the police I said, she did and had him arrested. Then we were together. She had two kids and she claimed a careless ex husband.

On our second day together she got angry when I indirectly implied I had exes, she'd chastise me like a child. I had none of it, I was clear I wouldn't accept that stuff. I didn't want to be in a controlling and jealous relationship. Then she said she was sick again, endometriosis caused by another abusive ex beating her. She had a cupboard full of pain relief and medication she never took, oral morphine and diazepam, never touched.

She wanted to live together,to get married and have a kid with me, she wanted this from the start, I tried to slow it down. It just made her worse. The illness made her so pale and thin, so scared and buckled with pain. Could it have been real? I just don't feel it was always real. The sex stopped I didn't feel it. I wanted out, I felt so manipulated.

The illness ended up being blamed on a cyst on her ovary, but one the doctor said was normal. I had planned on going away for a few days to visit friends, the operation fell on that day. I was away, she was hysterical,   she was testing me I'm sure, but her mum said she was fine. So I came back the next day. By this point I was getting annoyed, I felt the lies, but couldn't accuse her of them... .She was so sick and vulnerable.

Constant accusations of cheating, claims her job dealing with kids with SEN resulted in physical abuse and she was being bullied at work. Claims her ex husband had threatened her, she stopped the kids seeing him, she did this cleverly. Constantly packing my stuff and chucking me out only to pull me back, begging. Then one day something changed "I need to think about what I want" she messaged me.in retrospect, I think there was someone else at this point.

We split, she pulled me back, she did it again. I said we needed time apart to try and make sense of it all. All or nothing she said, nothing then I replied, and then massive relief but profound loss. What could I have done better, how could I have made her happy? I made changes, I worked on myself and addressed issues at work (we both worked for local council with kids) we got back in contact, I heard she was seeing someone else and had been for some time, we'd only split 6 weeks earlier, and she was so needy. We argued on the phone, I wished her well.

Next day I'm suspended from work, it's claimed by a manager I'm harassing her and have threatened her. She denies it, it's lies she said, she was with another guy, but we got back together. Now she says she has been diagnosed with PTSD, the guy that caused the endometriosis had physically abused her for two years when she was a teenager. She leaves me for the other guy again, then two weeks later is back saying it's all about trust, and I go back! It's perfect for 6 weeks. Then she does it again.

Turns out she got engaged to other guy before the last time, and that her ex never threatened her kids, in fact she got a police warning for wasting their time. Turns out the ex husband is a lovely guy which I always figured.

She lied so much, I'm so many ways to so many people. I left my job, my rep was destroyed. Obviously she destroyed me too. There was no explanation, she claimed PTSD needed her sole attention, I believed her. I had to ask the guy if she was seeing him, he told me yes. She led me in for two months after we last split that he was long gone.

She got engaged while seeing me, and moved in with him a few months back. She puts how happy she is all over social media, everyone at work thinks I abused her. About a month after she'd gone I messaged begging her to end the confusion, to let me go, "I'm stronger without you, I hope you find happiness and things are good" I genuinely wanted to slap her in the face, but I'd never do that.

The truth revealed itself randomly and by me looking for it, I feel so abused. But, I always knew she was manipulating me, and I went back even though I wasn't happy, thinking I could make it right.

There is no closure, no truth, just blame. She admits nothing and when I discovered she has gone back to him the message was simple, never contact me again. I wished I'd understood the BPD issues at play and the need for NC.

I think this guy was around for a while, she would say a friend had told her he wouldn't do the things I'd do if she were his gf. She has no friends. He proposed in between her leaving him? I feel like he manipulated her away but that she likes it?

Why am I such a complete mug? Never ever again!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Justbecause and Welcome! 

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and are dealing with right now, however relieved that you landed here.  This is the best place to come for sound advice, genuine empathy and understanding from others who have been (or are currently) where you are right now.  Feel free to get out of your system any feelings you are struggling with as it's a safe place to share these and know that you'll be understood. 

Are you NC now and how long has it been since the final split?  What you've experienced can feel totally overwhelming, confusing and painful.
 You have lots of questions and to help you answer some of those I'd like to point out some of the excellent resources here on the board.  Just to the right  there are self help materials containing fantastic articles (see how a borderline relationship evolves, and how to survive a break up - two of my own life savers!  The first one I mention here I think may instantly give you some understanding with this situation regards health etc.) plus the lessons which are fantastic to help you begin the process of healing.  I'd highly recommend you start to have a read of these when you're ready. 
 
 Those who have not been through a BPD r/s can sometimes have difficulty relating to what you've experienced.  Do you have friends and family who you can talk to about this?  It does help if there are people close to you who you feel able to turn to when things are difficult.  Continue to read and post and you will find you're far from alone, as well as the fact that things do get better from here although I know from experience that can be hard to imagine at this stage.

Love and light x

 

[Anne100]

Hi justbecause

I'm guilty of the back and forth too. I have "broken up" with my partner several times and keep going back. He turns on the charm, convinces me this time will be different etc. The duration of "good" before it turns "problematic" again seems to decrease each time with repeat the cycle.

And there's been cheating too. My trust issues only get worse each time. And he drinks too, so when he's out late and not coming home and intoxicated etc, it's even worse. His reasons for cheating were 2 fold:
1. To distract himself from the "___" with his exes (except he wasn't dating his exes at the time, he was dating me... .)
2. Because he wanted to live with me (urm... .?)
He actually admitted last night in a different context (a failed family dinner) that he can't seem to stop himself from ruining things when they're going well. I've often wondered whether that was part of the rationale for cheating.

I've questioned why I'm such a "mug" too on a frequent basis. These days, with all our ups and downs, it's usually at least 3 times a week that I'm questioning my decisions. And I know I find it harder to accept the other issues/drama, knowing he has this history of cheating. Why do I put up with it all when he's a cheater?

I guess, this is just to say, you're not alone... .if your ex was anything like mine, they have a skill for switching on the charm and, as I put it, becoming "lucid" and rational, at just the right times to convince you things will be different and that the relationship is worth it. I'm still working out whether it is or not and I'm starting counselling today.

Good luck!

Anne

PS. What is NC?

[Justbecause]

Thank you Harley Quinn. Once I left my job and she disappeared I fell apart, all the confusion had one explanation but she would not admit it and the misdirection made me crazy. My family took me to the doctors, he suggested councilling and prescribed me anti depressants and some sleeping pills. My friends have been amazing, but it's not like any break up I've ever experienced, she never ended it with me just disappeared,she came back to give me a bag of stuff I didn't really need back, told me she didn't want to confuse me but still loved me? And then left.

We had a few emails, so confused, she admitted nothing and started claiming I was now trying to control her and was threatening her. When i messaged her new guy and he told me, I asked her to explain but said I was yes her to be happy. She said never co tact me again. I have emailed her numerous times since then. Last one was maybe a month ago, but I figured she has probably blocked my email and they became away of venting at her.   

When I found out about the engagement I flipped a bit, I saw her ex husband in town and we chatted, we both ended up crying. Her kids don't want to see him now, it's so brutal, I always worried about this.  He told me about it, i couldn't believe it, so some friends looked on social media, she blocked me three weeks before I last saw her. It's all there.

I was trying to explain all this behaviour with PTSD, but that just doesn't do it. Her ex husband told me a lot of stuff, there is a back catalogue of accusations against ex partners. I'm not a mental health professional but these things are unlike anything I've experienced before, I'm 35 and have had a few (mostly positive relationships).

I've been NC but it's hard, I saw her car today I want to call her out on what she did to me. I'm convinced she will have made me out to be an abuser,that hurts the most.

Anne 100 NC is no contact.

You deserve better and surely you must feel your situation will never change? I don't know what to say to you, I'm broken but I'd rather be broken than being repeatedly broken over and over. The questioning yourself is very stressful, I always had it but it intensified at this end period to an extreme and the gaslighting and lying made me I'll. Lost a stone and cannot get the lies out of my head, difference is you seem to know all about the lies, I believed every one. You have my support and hope you can find a way to free yourself of what is clearly emotional and psychological abuse