Trying to break up

[donkey2016]

I'm a relationship with a man who seems to have BPD. I recognize many stories here on this web site, it's like I have lived through the same exact experiences.   

We have been together for 5 years. I have kids from a former marriage.  Already in the beginning of the relationship there were red flags but, like many others here, I ignored them because I was crazy in love and thought that he was the one. I still have feelings for him but I'm so fed up with all the conflicts with him. He goes through cycles where he's loving, and then he gets angry for something, and he wants to break up, and then suddenly he wants everything should go back to normal without resolving anything. He hasn’t been physical abusive but I have been afraid many times. He has also destroyed some of our things but mostly his own things.

Two months ago - I finally took the step and told him that I want to break up with him. We were not living together  (I asked him already one year ago to move out from my apartment) but we lived close by each other. I have also moved to another apartment further away from him. But it's difficult for me to break free. I'm alone with my children and have no family where I live to help me. He has helped me a lot and I'm depending on him for a lot of practical things. He has also been put me through emotional blackmailing with suicide threats.

I'm not sure what I can do. I guess I have to have stronger boundaries.  Any input or thoughts are welcome.

[MiaP]

Hi donkey2016,

I can relate to your experience. My exBPD was never physically abusive but some of his rages outbursts were so bad that I was trully afraid. Being so afraid was what got me thinking that this was no way to live.

You had the courage to take the first step and breaking up with him. If you know it's better for you and your kids, stay strong with that decision.

[Circle]

Hi D,
Good job taking steps to seperate from him.
Getting him out of your apartment.
Moving farther away from him.
Why not move back, closer to family, so you have the support you need?
Hang in there!

[donkey2016]

Hi Circle,

Thank you for kind words - so much needed! The reason that I'm hesitating to move back to my country is that I have a good job where I live and my children don't want to move. I have started now to post on the break up crisis board.

D.

[Circle]

Ok. See you on the boards. : )

[donkey2016]

Hello,

I posted here on the conflicted board first - then on the break up crisis board -  I'm back together again with my BPD boyfriend - so then I'm also back on the conflicted board   . I had broken up with him but somehow I found myself together again with him - FOG, and need of practical help, and still feeling attracted to him. He practically moved into my new apartment (which I had moved to because I wanted to get further away from him!). I had a lot of anxiety the weeks following the make-up. Regretting inviting (or tolerating) him back into my life. Luckily he found work in a city a few hours from my city - so he has recently moved there. My kids (from another relationship) don't like him but tolerate him when he's staying here. He's very dominating and bossy. I feel like I'm living with a bully when he's here even if he's not raging as he used to do in the past. I want to get away from him. I have told some of my friends of the situation but for most people I pretend that I still love him - otherwise why would I stay in that relationship?

I can relate to what many people write here on the board - one more rage and I'm out of the relationship - I used to think like that - but it doesn't work. I feel scared when my boyfriend has a rage and afraid to break up then. After the rage then of course he's so nice and regretting so that it's difficult to break up then. I have finally just come to just try to cope day to day and hoping that it somehow will really end, knowing that I have to be the one doing that.

Any thoughts or ideas of how to do a clean break would be appreciated. Right now he's away on a business trip.

donkey2016

[Circle]

Hi D,
I am on here intermittently lately.
So, I'm not really around to get into a conversation, per se.
Just wanted to let you know that I read your post.
And, that I understand cycling in and out of an abusive relationship like you are.
I too, kept finding myself back with the same person, due to attraction.
And, I felt like they were a bully also.
I am SO glad to be out of that situation now!
The hardest part was letting go of them.
It's a decision that I had to make.
Of course, their own departing helped me along.
I'm glad I went through it all though; because now I really don't desire that conflict.
Two songs come to mind for me.
1. Horses in My Dreams by P.J.Harvey
2. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon
Keep Posting!

[donkey2016]

Hi C.

Nice to hear that life gets better without the BPD person in your life. I guess I just have to get there somehow.

D.

[Circle]

I think it's a struggle; but you can do it.
If you wanted to achieve that, have you thought of what you would do?
Could you make a list of three things to achieve that?
Or, will you just keep dealing with it?

[Belljarescapee]

Dear D,
I'm sorry,  I'm new to this site and didn't see the thread about your break up struggle.  I didn't have the whole picture. It's not good girl. It sounds like you don't have any loved ones around to see how he interacts with you. Family and friends with children or friends who don't mind to include your children are essential to you as a single mother of young children.  Do you have friends? Is your job really so great if you can't support yourself independently? I know how experience childcare is and I only had one. Do you have other options? Think about it. Your kids would adjust to a move if they needed to. It's not like you ask them to move regularly. Sometimes you can't leave when you want to but get prepared. So he isn't actually living with you again right?

[donkey2016]

Hi Belljarescapee and Circle,

Thank you so much for your answers with supporting words. I'm sorry that I haven't given much details. I'm so scared that he will find these posts when surfing on the web. We're not living together. I made him move out of my apartment one year ago but he found a place close to me. I broke up with him and then I moved to another apartment to be away from him. The whole plan backfired, I have moved but I 'm back together with him. Luckily for me, he got a job in another city, so he's only here in the weekends. I have kids from another relationship and they don't like him. I have a really good job and support myself and the kids. I also have friends who are supportive and not judgmental.

Thank you Circle for the suggestion about thinking about three things I want - I'll try to do that. Right now I'm trying to accept that I do this break up step by step. I feel intimidated by him - and scared what he'll do if I break up with him. I'm going to try to find a psychologist - maybe that can help me.

Donkey2016

[Circle]

You're Welcome D.
I think finding a psychologist or a counselor, is a good idea.
What if your first step was to tell him that you no longer want him to visit or stay with you?
I ask, because I get the impression that he just visits on the weekends, yet doesn't live with you.
-C

[donkey2016]

Hi Circle,

Thank you for your advice. He stays at my place when he visits in the weekends. It has been a very long process over a couple of years - detaching and then getting the courage to ask him to move out of my apartment and now we're living in different cities. I didn't understand your advice at first - I was thinking it's the same as breaking up - but it is different since I could tell him over the phone that I don't want him to come. I feel very attracted to him but it's just so complicated to be with him. I'm exhausted. I want out.

Donkey2016

[Circle]

D,
I hear you. I was super attracted to my X.
I still am. But, we don't see each other any more.
It's better that way. Easier. I was exhausted too.
See how it works. Stand your ground.
-C

[donkey2016]

Hi Circle,

I'll try to find a therapist to go to - it's just so difficult finding someone who can understand the situation - not only telling you to call the police.

He's here now this weekend and it's so much drama. A smallest thing - even practical things - turns into an argument. I need to get out of the relationship especially because of my kids. He's demanding so much of my time - time that I could use instead for resting or spending with my kids.

We talked about breaking up this weekend. He says that he can handle it but it's like a trap - he can't - he gets into a rage or create drama. I'm going to try to tell him when he's not here (over the phone) that I don't want him to come around.

Thanks for supporting words,
Donkey2016

[Circle]

D,
Hang in there.
Yeah, the plusses don't seem to outway the minuses.
Make sure you get your keys back, if he has any.
Sounds like over the phone may be a good idea.
It may take a few times, but he'll get it.
One thing that I've found with BPD types; they want to win.
So, if he turns it around and breaks up with you (and it's what you want), run with it/let him.
You can let him have the prideful feeling that he dumped you.
At least it gets rid of him.
Sometimes, it's sensing the right moment and making it stick.
You've got it.
Whatever you decide to do, it sounds like your feelings are becoming more clear.

[donkey2016]

Hi C.

Yes, that's perfect if they break up with you! Is that what happened to you?

 I'm feeling weak - I still have feelings for - at the same time I realize that this drama and bullying never is going to stop. So that would be good if HE broke up with me. 

donkey2016

[Circle]

D,
In a way. We recycled a bunch; so it was back and forth.
From what I've read on the boards, combined with my own experience; they get sick of us nons too.
So, it's often just a matter of time til it ends.
Plus you know how romance is.
When one person wants it, the other often doesn't.
Anyway, another pattern seen on the boards, is: recycles become faster and closer in time, til things become unbearable.
My relationship involved the X's kids too, who I still want to see.
Only, I'd have to go through the X to see them.
Life's a beach ; )
-C

[Circle]

Another thing.
Part of it, is the acceptance that comes with the pain of loss.
Choosing to accept that; if you decide to end things.
And, knowing that there is a light at the end of that tunnel.
As sure as the sun also rises.

[donkey2016]

Hi Circle,

Not easy when kids are involved. It's because of my kids I finally put down my foot and asked him to move to his own apartment (one year ago). We don't have kids together and he doesn't live with his kids - so I don't have that problem. That must feel really hard not being able to see the kids as you used to.

Yes, I agree that the BPDs seem to get tried of us nons - and I hold no illusions that he would stay with me one single day after he decided to dump me. Still, this is what I'm doing!

D.

[Circle]

D,
Yes; it's difficult and frustrating not seeing them.
It's interesting how tunnel-vision we get when we are in love.
And then afterwards, we wonder what we were thinking.
Kind of like with any addiction I guess.
Like listening to Stevie Nicks talk about her cocaine addiction.
She is just baffled with herself for being at that point.
I can relate. It got so ridiculous with us.
What was I thinking?
I think I thought the world would end without my X.
Actually, it feels so much looser and less confining.
Yeah, I miss the sex; but not the nightmare part.
And, oh what a nightmare it was when things weren't gelling.
Hope that you stay safe throughout your tribulations.

[donkey2016]

Yes, I agree it's like an addiction but like an addiction it's first pleasure and then it becomes a pain... .

I'm just so tired of drama so I really avoid conflict and then of course also avoiding to break up.

Yes, so good when alone. I'm feeling more calm and relaxed with he's not here.

D.

[Circle]

I hear you.
Sometimes we can just let things go.
Glad that you are having some respite from your person with BPD.
That calm relaxedness; good for you.

[Circle]

“Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.”
― Stephen Mitchell, Tao Te Ching

[donkey2016]

Hi C,

Wise words - not always easy to follow that advice.  I'll continue trying taking it step by step.

D.

[Circle]

D,
Yeah definitely not easy to follow.
Then again, nothing is easier.
The hardest thing is to go against the current/swim upstream.
I hear you though; I struggle with it too.
-C