Repetition Compulsion

[Depression = 72% of members]

Some of you may know I have PD traits.  I'd recognised these (as had my ex) and went to get a diagnosis. 

One of the things that confused me about myself was the codependent behaviour.  I've always gravitated towards people with major issues and tried to help them to heal.  Perhaps because what I really needed to do was to address my own issues and heal myself. 

Something that I realised was that I'd had a cycle of abuse - physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial - you name it - for as long as I could remember as an adult.  Initially I'd put it down to the codependent part of myself and sort of accepted that the abuse I've suffered and literally walked into was all part of that.  The need to fix people who have problems that cause them to be abusive. 

Until Once Removed raised the subject of 'Repetition compulsion' to another member in a post.  I'd not heard of the term and in true HQ fashion I went off to read everything that had ever been written on this.  It is as though my life has been explained in two words.  Suddenly all the pieces fit together and the fact that I believe my upbringing to have been relatively normal also makes more sense to me now. 

The experiences that I do (now) remember as a child were around emotional unavailability, invalidation, a sense of abandonment, having too much responsibility too young, removal of care and subsequent resentment and fears.  From an early age I became fiercely independent, as a coping mechanism.  I hardened emotionally and put up a wall around myself that was intended to protect me from being let down by anyone again.  How wrong I was.  All I did was go on to re enact the situation through my personal relationships over and over, or so I believe now.  I have had healthy relationships and blew them off as not enough for me.  Either they just felt like 'settling' or I felt too adored and treated in a way I felt I didn't deserve.  Ultimately I've gone for people who are incapable of giving me what I need.  In the same way that unknowingly my FOO were unable to give me what I needed.     

I'll share more of my realisations as I go along but boy do I see that I've done myself a lot of damage unconsciously.  This I'm sure is only the tip of the iceberg and I can see my therapist has a big job ahead of them... .I'd love to open up a discussion as things are just beginning to make sense to me and there's no better way to figure things out than to talk them out I find. 

Here's a quote that touched me in one of the articles I read:

 "No pain is so devastating as the pain a person refuses to face and no suffering is so lasting as suffering left unacknowledged.” —Cermak & Brown

Here's the Wikipedia description, although there are also some good articles posted on the site here that are far more informative and detailed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

I'd like to ask if anyone else here can relate to this at all?

Love and light x


 

[Harley Quinn]

Some of you may know I have PD traits.  I'd recognised these (as had my ex) and went to get a diagnosis. 

One of the things that confused me about myself was the codependent behaviour.  I've always gravitated towards people with major issues and tried to help them to heal.  Perhaps because what I really needed to do was to address my own issues and heal myself. 

Something that I realised was that I'd had a cycle of abuse - physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial - you name it - for as long as I could remember as an adult.  Initially I'd put it down to the codependent part of myself and sort of accepted that the abuse I've suffered and literally walked into was all part of that.  The need to fix people who have problems that cause them to be abusive. 

Until Once Removed raised the subject of 'Repetition compulsion' to another member in a post.  I'd not heard of the term and in true HQ fashion I went off to read everything that had ever been written on this.  It is as though my life has been explained in two words.  Suddenly all the pieces fit together and the fact that I believe my upbringing to have been relatively normal also makes more sense to me now. 

The experiences that I do (now) remember as a child were around emotional unavailability, invalidation, a sense of abandonment, having too much responsibility too young, removal of care and subsequent resentment and fears.  From an early age I became fiercely independent, as a coping mechanism.  I hardened emotionally and put up a wall around myself that was intended to protect me from being let down by anyone again.  How wrong I was.  All I did was go on to re enact the situation through my personal relationships over and over, or so I believe now.  I have had healthy relationships and blew them off as not enough for me.  Either they just felt like 'settling' or I felt too adored and treated in a way I felt I didn't deserve.  Ultimately I've gone for people who are incapable of giving me what I need.  In the same way that unknowingly my FOO were unable to give me what I needed.     

I'll share more of my realisations as I go along but boy do I see that I've done myself a lot of damage unconsciously.  This I'm sure is only the tip of the iceberg and I can see my therapist has a big job ahead of them... .I'd love to open up a discussion as things are just beginning to make sense to me and there's no better way to figure things out than to talk them out I find. 

Here's a quote that touched me in one of the articles I read:

 "No pain is so devastating as the pain a person refuses to face and no suffering is so lasting as suffering left unacknowledged.” —Cermak & Brown

Here's the Wikipedia description, although there are also some good articles posted on the site here that are far more informative and detailed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion

I'd like to ask if anyone else here can relate to this at all?

Love and light x


 

[Jami]

Hi Harley,

i can relate so very much to what you describe. When reading through your lines i literally recognise my own story. Though the clinical term "repetition compulsion" is new to me (thank you so much for bringing it up, i will explore it), my last relationship allowed me to reach a profound, if painful, understanding that there is a sickening repetition when it comes to my choice of partners.

The most devastating relationships i've experienced are also, quite paradoxically, the ones where i felt "most in love". Besides systematically engaging with harmless guys who had major issues and clearly couldn't be nurturing, i've collected experiences with a range of PDs. Just as you described, i couldn't feel attracted to men who could have been truly nurturing, healthy partners. Maybe i perceived myself as being too damaged from my difficult childhood to satisfy the expectations of any "normal" man. Maybe i needed to be a "helper" to nourish my depleted soul and raise my self esteem. Most probably i have codependency traits and definitely PTSD symptoms, if not PD traits.

To crown the sad ritual, i chose to have a child with a man whose psychological makeup is so complex that i couldn't even begin to fathom what is afflicting him. My latest experience, after 8 years of single-mothering, keeping men at a distance and loads of therapy, was with a pwBPD.

One of the facts that shocked me most after realising that my ex has BPD was, and is, that despite all these years of therapy and intense self-work i still need to call the repetition of drama into my life. The analogies between my ex and my child's father are strikingly similar. I have been painted black again, smeared, abused in many ways, lied to, manipulated, blackmailed, shamed. Over the years i truly thought that i had advanced, that something as painful as what i've already gone through could never happen again, yet it repeated, almost identically. I allowed it to repeat, ignored the red flags, was once again blinded and ignorant to the obvious indicators. And it feels like a regression, like a nightmare in which i seem to be trapped in a never ending loop of dread and pain.

But there are positive sides to it: the repetition caused me to face a level that resides much deeper than any other i had ever reached. For the first time in my life, i recognised that i might not be fully responsible (or accountable) for the drama in my relationships. For the first time in my life i don't feel ashamed about myself or my choices. I begin to realise that there are powerful unconscious factors that push me, and start making connections between these happenings and my parents / childhood. I am now able to perceive myself as a victim, not as failure, and am firmly decided to reach the bottom of this pit and fill it all up with light. I need to understand to be able to check out of repetition compulsion. To love and accept myself with all my flaws. To be kind to myself, and nurture that inner child who is still crying in the solitude of its room, abandoned and mistreated, desiring only to be loved.

You wrote me, not so long ago, that darkness doesn't come without light. Here it is, and the first step is gratitude. We'll hopefully grow through this pain, through will and perseverance, and reach a dimension where love is available to us as the ripe fruits of a healthy tree.

Wishing you a safe and fulfilling journey,

Jami
 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jami,

Thanks so much for sharing.  I was welling up reading it!  Feels good to not be alone, doesn't it?  I feel as though despite recognising what I'd been doing, it took for me to make the same mistake over again one more time for it to finally sink in and hit home that I'm totally stuck in a cycle that has been going on forever... .  I guess we all have to have our aha moment at the right time for us and perhaps we must go backwards to be able to truly go forwards. 

Here is a good article I found had been shared on the site before, which gave me more information and helped me to make more sense of some things.  Certain aspects of this just rang true to me and it has had me thinking.  I hope you find it helpful too.  Let me know what you think. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=212267.0

So glad that I have my therapy lined up.  We have waiting lists in the UK and I was advised to do some 'holding work' by my counsellor so that sufficient time would have passed crisis free as that is a condition of commencing the deep work that's required to address my core issues.  Am looking forward to tackling this stuff and getting to the root.  I believe there is more I haven't yet uncovered and pieced together and I'm ready in myself to get started now.  Everything for a reason.  Are you still in therapy yourself?

Here's to breaking the compulsion and achieving peace and freedom!

Love and light x

[Jami]

That is a very interesting article indeed Harley, thank you for sharing it! It feels good to understand that these faulty coping mechanisms are universal, objectifiable and predictable. If there is an underlying code, it must be crackable. Tough long road ahead, but the fundaments for a brighter future are starting to concretise 

Another positive aspect of it all is that it will surely improve our own parenting skills, which makes me deeply happy. After all, breaking the repetition loop (which is, really, transmitted from generation to generation in our family lines) will have a healing effect not only to us, but to all our descendants as well.

To answer your question yes, i am still in therapy and will likely be for another while. Couldn't handle it all without external support. Could you please explain what is meant exactly by "holding work?" It sounds meaningful... .

I hope that you'll be blessed with a crises-free period as to be able to get to that core and crack its code once and for good.

Love,

Jami

[takingandsending]

Thanks for the article, HQ. I, too, have history of being attracted to partners with PD. I definitely was a fixer/peace maker in my FOO. I have learned that a lot of my "self" comes from those formative experiences, and yes there was instability, neglect, parents with narcissistic tendencies (though nothing compared to my xw).

What I wrestle with is maybe similar to what people with BPD sometimes express - that they aren't going to give up their creativity or passion or drama because it's what they identify with. On my side, my practice is buddhism. I believe that we are kind of all experiencing happiness followed by suffering followed by happiness all of the time, and helping others, feeling compassion, empathizing is what connects us. I don't want to change that because it's a core part of me.

But intimate connections for me are definitely about the pay off of being seen as good and not just as I am. That's what I have to learn. How to accept myself as I am and allow others to see me as I am - imperfect, frail at times, railing at the injustices, yet loving as much as I can.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jami,

It's great to hear you still have that support in place and good on you for sticking with it.  It is a long road and one so worth travelling.  I believe that with each revelation something is lifted from us and we become lighter, more ourselves and as we were destined to be.  It fills me with hope for the future.

Could you please explain what is meant exactly by "holding work?" It sounds meaningful... .

Yes - in my case I had to round off the counselling I was having slightly prematurely because of all the crises I was experiencing with my ex.  Of the literal kind - suicide attempts and severe self harming had become regular occurrences and violence had started to creep in.  Because we'd done good work and she was encouraging that I'd be considered for the specialist psychotherapy service as she felt I'd make a good candidate, we didn't want our hard work to just stop as I wait out this crisis free duration.  The holding work is to ensure that I'm doing tangible things to help regulate my own emotions.  She set me some suggestions for things I could follow up with to keep momentum. 

They included things I'd already arranged, such as my mindfulness course to refresh my practice and the counselling I'm on the waiting list for with a local women's centre, which can be ongoing for as long as I need it.  I'd enlisted a support worker from a domestic abuse service and have since completed a 12 week programme with them.  My counsellor also suggested a local charity which gives art therapy through a range of classes on various subjects and I secured a referral from my doctor (it's called art on prescription).  Have done a little gardening with them and am now in an art class which is having an incredible effect on me.  Ironically the teacher has BPD.  Very apt!  I find that allowing my locked down creativity to flow is so soothing and I feel very empowered by it.  I'm actually allowing myself to do something that I love, that serves nobody but myself!  What a huge step for me!  My anxiety falls away when I'm there and the sense of peace that washes over me lingers after I leave.  I'd highly recommend others check out if similar services are available in their area. 

I believe that holding piece is what is allowing me to be open to absorb some quite profound realisations about myself with openness and take them in my stride right now.  The more I think about my life pattern, the more it makes sense that it relates back to my FOO and the beliefs that I formed in those crucial formative years.  I'm so glad that you found the article useful.  There's tons more information out there and I'm sure we'll continue discovering things that help us to put the pieces together.  What encourages me is that there has been a great deal of thought into the correct treatment paths and I'm confident that given time we can shake this and stride forwards free of our chains. 

Love and light x     

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for the article, HQ. I, too, have history of being attracted to partners with PD. I definitely was a fixer/peace maker in my FOO. I have learned that a lot of my "self" comes from those formative experiences, and yes there was instability, neglect, parents with narcissistic tendencies (though nothing compared to my xw).

What I wrestle with is maybe similar to what people with BPD sometimes express - that they aren't going to give up their creativity or passion or drama because it's what they identify with. On my side, my practice is buddhism. I believe that we are kind of all experiencing happiness followed by suffering followed by happiness all of the time, and helping others, feeling compassion, empathizing is what connects us. I don't want to change that because it's a core part of me.

But intimate connections for me are definitely about the pay off of being seen as good and not just as I am. That's what I have to learn. How to accept myself as I am and allow others to see me as I am - imperfect, frail at times, railing at the injustices, yet loving as much as I can.

Hi talkingandsending,

Thanks for your reply.  So much of what you say resonates with me. 

I am starting to see that something I took for granted hasn't served me in some ways.  Being a fixer/peacemaker as you describe it.  I've always naturally taken the reins of situations and sorted things out for my family.  Seems there's some degree of parentification after all. 

Just today I woke with severe anxiety and struggled with it all morning.  I have a pile of legal forms I must complete with a short deadline and am quite overwhelmed. 

My art class was mid morning and although I'd not touched the forms I'd stewed so much and felt so anxious that I was still half an hour late.  Once there I was instantly feeling better as I find it so relaxing and diverting from the stresses in my life. 

However, at break time I called my dad to check how my mum is doing.  She is in hospital following major surgery.  He was extremely irrate and worked up so I spent the whole break calming and reasoning with him about the reasons why the medical professionals probably had not been handling her medications very well.  (She had a major stroke a few years ago and really needs an advocate - a role I've usually stepped into when she is admitted to hospital)  He had taken her pill trays in but when the night nurse called him for instructions dad had become frustrated that they hadn't checked the notes because he'd told someone earlier in the day. 

I managed to get him to sound less wound up before I ended the call.  As soon as I put the phone down, my mum called me in tears to say she wants to go home and they hadn't given her any pain relief all night.  Looks like the conversation the nurse had with dad hadn't gone well then... .My anxiety was back through the roof. 

After the class I ended up spending the remainder of the day travelling to the hospital, dealing with the registrar, consultant, nurses, mum, dad, then travelling back.  I have a chronic pain condition which is triggered by car travel so I had to hang about at the hospital for an hour and a half to build myself up to the drive home.  I never completed and posted the forms.  Now I will have to hand deliver them on Friday in order to not miss the deadline. 

I don't mind.  They are my parents and I love them but just once it would be nice if my dad had been able to handle things without me having to step in and mediate.  My mum doesn't ring him in tears and tell him she wants to go home.  She rings me.  It has always been this way.

Love and light x

[once removed]

there are many "reasons" we enter into and stay in dysfunctional relationships, and there have been attempts at profiling them.

a lot of the childhood dynamics that click with so many didnt resonate much for me, though certainly my parents were my earliest and primary model of a relationship, everyone has childhood wounds, etc, and i have made my share of connections.

it was suggested to me once that i take a look back at my "first love". my "first love" was never a romantic partner, but someone i was very close to and made strides (to put it mildly) to be with. she had some traits and behaviors similar to BPD. she self harmed, which i spent a lot of time being pretty upset about. she was moody and could fly off the handle. i would say there was an unstable sense of self to a mild extent. all of this attracted me to her. i felt that i understood her, wanted her to understand and accept me, and my attraction to her stemmed from that. i was a wounded puppy dog toward her and it pushed her away.

i can tell you that this has its roots in how i responded to rejection from the earliest periods of my life. i can tell you on some level i had (have?) an unconscious fear of intimacy; its not that there has never been any spark with healthy gals, but i have tended to kill it by either overpursuing or underpursuing. for the most part, my exes pursued me.

all of my relationships have involved some level of PD traits and behaviors, and the outcome in each involved my partner growing distant on me, cheating on me, and either overlapping or jumping into a relationship with someone else. i struggled tremendously with each breakup.

i felt a certain frustration that i had never broken up with any of these exes, even when the signs were clear. i felt a certain frustration for even getting involved in the first place.

i was friends with my uBPDex for three years before we were together. there was a spark, but quite frankly, by this point i was pretty into the idea of heeding "red flags", and she was flying them. i also, still struggling from the last breakup, did not feel up to "wooing" anyone. three years later the stars just sort of aligned and we went for it and never looked back.

before we got together, i remember what i said to myself in my head. i knew this would be an uphill battle, if not doomed. i wanted to test what i had learned, how far i had come, and this time i wanted it to be different. i wanted to be able to end it when the time came. i threatened it hundreds of times over nearly three years together but never did it. the outcome was the same: she started lining up a new relationship a month or two before we ended (likely cheated multiple times in the last year or so), she grew distant on me, dumped me, and made her new relationship official.

i think even today, there is a part of me that wishes to overcome this; to get into a relationship and be able to leave it. i think im much closer to reaching that point today, in that what im drawn toward and pushed away from has changed a great deal. i have better boundaries when it comes to relationship turmoil, and i think that leads to a natural conclusion should i get into it. im not into "testing" all this anymore. im trying to let all of this be enough and deem myself capable of leaving without testing it. the goal should not be to breakup.

i really dont know if the connections ive made fit perfectly into freuds concept of a "repetition compulsion". but this idea that i need to find a relationship that i can leave when it goes sour, if thats not a self fulfilling prophecy... .

[takingandsending]

i can tell you that this has its roots in how i responded to rejection from the earliest periods of my life. i can tell you on some level i had (have?) an unconscious fear of intimacy; its not that there has never been any spark with healthy gals, but i have tended to kill it by either overpursuing or underpursuing. for the most part, my exes pursued me.

Me too. Hard to read this. I am currently attracted to a co-worker who is quite a bit younger than me, and it scares the crap out of me. I don't trust why I am attracted to her, and I am afraid and uncertain of how or what to do about it. I am trying to just be with my feelings and not judge too much. It is very confusing. And it is making me face my fears of intimacy, which I think are basically fears of being exposed for not being worth loving. A lot of self judgment.

When I breathe and look, there is space around these thoughts, but I still don't feel too courageous to actually tell someone how I feel and risk rejection. I always waited till I was pursued to have the certainty that I wouldn't be rejected. Ugh. So much fear.

[Harley Quinn]

there are many "reasons" we enter into and stay in dysfunctional relationships, and there have been attempts at profiling them.

a lot of the childhood dynamics that click with so many didnt resonate much for me, though certainly my parents were my earliest and primary model of a relationship, everyone has childhood wounds, etc, and i have made my share of connections.

it was suggested to me once that i take a look back at my "first love". my "first love" was never a romantic partner, but someone i was very close to and made strides (to put it mildly) to be with. she had some traits and behaviors similar to BPD. she self harmed, which i spent a lot of time being pretty upset about. she was moody and could fly off the handle. i would say there was an unstable sense of self to a mild extent. all of this attracted me to her. i felt that i understood her, wanted her to understand and accept me, and my attraction to her stemmed from that. i was a wounded puppy dog toward her and it pushed her away.

i can tell you that this has its roots in how i responded to rejection from the earliest periods of my life. i can tell you on some level i had (have?) an unconscious fear of intimacy; its not that there has never been any spark with healthy gals, but i have tended to kill it by either overpursuing or underpursuing. for the most part, my exes pursued me.

all of my relationships have involved some level of PD traits and behaviors, and the outcome in each involved my partner growing distant on me, cheating on me, and either overlapping or jumping into a relationship with someone else. i struggled tremendously with each breakup.

i felt a certain frustration that i had never broken up with any of these exes, even when the signs were clear. i felt a certain frustration for even getting involved in the first place.

i was friends with my uBPDex for three years before we were together. there was a spark, but quite frankly, by this point i was pretty into the idea of heeding "red flags", and she was flying them. i also, still struggling from the last breakup, did not feel up to "wooing" anyone. three years later the stars just sort of aligned and we went for it and never looked back.

before we got together, i remember what i said to myself in my head. i knew this would be an uphill battle, if not doomed. i wanted to test what i had learned, how far i had come, and this time i wanted it to be different. i wanted to be able to end it when the time came. i threatened it hundreds of times over nearly three years together but never did it. the outcome was the same: she started lining up a new relationship a month or two before we ended (likely cheated multiple times in the last year or so), she grew distant on me, dumped me, and made her new relationship official.

i think even today, there is a part of me that wishes to overcome this; to get into a relationship and be able to leave it. i think im much closer to reaching that point today, in that what im drawn toward and pushed away from has changed a great deal. i have better boundaries when it comes to relationship turmoil, and i think that leads to a natural conclusion should i get into it. im not into "testing" all this anymore. im trying to let all of this be enough and deem myself capable of leaving without testing it. the goal should not be to breakup.

i really dont know if the connections ive made fit perfectly into freuds concept of a "repetition compulsion". but this idea that i need to find a relationship that i can leave when it goes sour, if thats not a self fulfilling prophecy... .

Hi OR,

This is really interesting.  Even as I type about the things I know impacted me as a child, I still don't find myself buying into these things being 'enough' to drive me so hard into seriously abusive relationships.  My first experience of sex however led to being sexually assaulted.  In my mind, I've more of a belief that this was the true beginning of my going 'off the rails' so to speak from a r/s perspective.

How old were you when you had this first love?  I was raped at 16.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

And it is making me face my fears of intimacy, which I think are basically fears of being exposed for not being worth loving. A lot of self judgment.

When I breathe and look, there is space around these thoughts, but I still don't feel too courageous to actually tell someone how I feel and risk rejection. I always waited till I was pursued to have the certainty that I wouldn't be rejected. Ugh. So much fear.

Hi talkingandsending,

That feeling of being attracted to someone and not knowing if they feel the same is so scary that I've always run from it.  In fact I would tend to send out the complete opposite signals as a defence mechanism.  All my exes pursued me.  You guys are causing me to reflect on my fear of intimacy.  I am literally just realising that this is what I must have.  It makes sense in that I've only ever invested in relationships that are clearly going nowhere.  I don't think I too believe I'm worthy of love and it's really all I crave.  Genuine true love.  How textbook I am. 

Do you see any signs that your feelings could be reciprocated? 

Love and light x

[takingandsending]

Hey HQ. Some ... .maybe ... .I don't know. My emotional development here is seriously arrested. I find I want to run from myself right now, numb out and let it pass. I am going to make an appt with my T to figure out how to embrace being afraid instead of pretending and pretexting. I can't be who I am not, and this is who I am.

[Harley Quinn]

I'd be really interested to know of anything useful your T suggests, if you're happy to share. 

I would put down all of my wrong turns in life to one thing.  Fear.  I suspect that's true for many.  Ironically I steeled myself to be so fearless, brave, up for anything that I also took so many crazy risks and put myself in dangerous situations... . 

Wouldn't change all of it though.  Facing some pretty big fears and pushing myself to appear so hardcore scared by nothing has been really empowering.  Wish it were so easy to do the same when it comes to this core stuff... .Like just jump out of this plane and it will all be fixed.

Still, I have my therapy lined up so it's on the distant horizon.

Hope the appointment is really helpful and productive for you.

Love and light x

[once removed]

first of all HQ, im terribly sorry that that happened to you. i would also say that in no way is there a "path" that leads anyone to that kind of trauma. im sure you dont need me to explain the kind of impact that has on a person. it can certainly lead to struggles with self worth (at any age, but especially at such a formative one), and i think thats what youre touching on.

fear of intimacy can be so difficult to see, because a person living with it also tends to crave it intensely (we also often confuse intensity with intimacy). its not unlike being shy and lonely. a person may be desperate for friends, but fearful of the steps necessary to gain them, or the outcome. so to anyone seeing this in themselves, congratulations. self awareness is a catalyst for change.

fears can control our lives in the sense that we may gravitate toward what feels "safe" even if its not, and even if its unhealthy. a lonely person may decide that the rest of the world is crazy, and theyre better off (safer) alone. i know that my exes low self esteem and dependence on me made me feel very "safe" and gave me the impression she was incapable of leaving me. conversely, i felt this was someone i could be more "myself" than id been with anyone else. which made the ultimate rejection all the more devastating.

its a cliche, but there is truth to the lines about "if you dont love yourself, how can anyone else". its a cliche because people that dont fully love themselves tend to have at least someone in their lives that loves them very much. the truth to it is that it renders us emotionally unavailable to healthy others. if we dont perceive ourselves as worthy of a "healthy other" then odds are we will send those signals in one form or another.

to answer the question, i guess i wouldve been 14 or 15. i think it started the summer after eighth grade and went into high school. eighth grade was a very difficult time for me that involved a lot of isolation, loneliness, and bullying, from day one. while i did bounce back, i came into ninth grade with a lot of what people call "nice guy issues". i dont want to give the impression that there was any one incident that led me to my relationship with my uBPDex, or that that happened because of the unrequited love of a 15 year old girl. it was just a really good starting point for me to see the path i was on before that, and the path i followed after it.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks OR.  I do find it interesting that we were older when these things affected us, although very different in themselves.  I know a lot of emphasis is placed on early years in psychology and yet I feel that this incident with the assault had a profound effect on me.  I changed in ways that didn't necessarily become that evident to me until much later.  

To some degree I think that after having no control over what happened to me made me strive for control and as other abusive relationships occurred it's possible that I continued to end up in these situations as a means to try to regain some control over what was happening.  Like replaying the experience over and over in a bid to combat it.  This is why the repetition compulsion information really struck a chord in me.  

I can see that my childhood fed into some of my early abandonment issues, fear of intimacy, low self esteem and fear of rejection.  But I always sensed there was more to it than that and finally I feel I have more of an idea about what has driven me to stay in this cycle.  What are your thoughts on the 'death drive'?  It has been mentioned a few times in articles I've read on repetition compulsion and with my traits it has me wondering if this really is behind my choices.  As well as within relationships there has been a lot of other self destructive/self sabotaging behaviour in my life.

Love and light x

[takingandsending]

I'd be really interested to know of anything useful your T suggests, if you're happy to share. 

Hi HQ. Session with T was really helpful. She had me separate my logical brain thoughts of myself and my emotional brain thoughts of myself. She knows I am an engineer, so maybe she found a way to get through to me. 

When I consider myself from purely logical reasoning, the self-judgments and shame diminish greatly. I am an average human being, not unattractive, not weak or misguided or malformed as my emotional self sometimes feels. The fears that I feel are common to all people. The pain I feel from rejection is common to all people. So, using just that logical reasoning part of my brain, I really am no less and no more that anyone else. That's a big thing for me, because my tendency, especially when I feel attracted to a woman, is to immediately feel less than, to feel that all of my perceived flaws are magnified and apparent to anyone (and especially to me). But logically, it just doesn't stand up. I am competent, average in looks, considerate, well spoken, decent listener. So, she encouraged me to arrest some of the self criticism with just logic.

She also shared how to be vulnerable in a safer way with a love interest. Instead of spilling my life story out there (like I do on these boards!), share just a small part of me with this person I am interested in, and observe her response - does she receive it, does she have empathy/interest, does she mirror, does she talk about herself? If she has empathy and interest, share another small part and so on. Basically, slow down. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't read responses/cues very well, but using my new found logic, I probably struggle with that much the same as all human beings.

And I understand how I got here. I didn't have much empathy or really anyone to talk to and ask questions of in my family. Strange thing to grow up in a big family and feel so isolated and alone, but with that need to be seen and loved as I am not being met as a child, I identified that need as weakness and self-sufficiency as strength. So now, when I am attracted to someone, I associate the need for connection and to be seen/accepted for who I am with weakness. So yeah, about that fear of intimacy... .

As a result, I do things to be seen like trying to protect and please the person to gain approval, and fear they will see me as weak for having needs. Great beacon for BPD - here I am! Come get me! <sigh> Who knew that being human was such a hard thing? 

My coworker had a nice flower arrangement on her desk yesterday, so I am thinking that she may already have a love interest. The signs that I took as possible interest were a bit more physical proximity when we spoke about work things, tapping my knee with a pen when I teased her about being perfect (in her work, not a rhapsodic "you are the perfect woman for me" ... .not that far gone, yet), and a playful shove during another discussion. I've worked with her for 5.5 years. She's a pretty reserved, private person, and the physical touch was new. I tried not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but the feelings that awakened were not expected and pretty intense.

Thanks for sharing your journey and listening to mine. How is your mom doing? What sort of work are you doing with your T. Seems we all have things to learn about ourselves. I really like that you meditate and find space within the chaos. I do as well, but I have been opting for distraction lately. Think I will go back to the cushion and sit tonight.

[RomanticFool]

Hey Harley,

I totally relate to that. It doesn't matter what emotional crises I have been through, no matter what the other person has done to me or no matter the depth of emotional abuse/turmoil on both sides, when the waters are calm, I am always willing to jump right back in.

I suspect that I too have BPD traits. My emotional life has always been volatile. I have always felt too much in relationships and then pushed them away when I felt they were going to hurt me, no matter how much I loved. I watched my mother and father play this game throughout many days of my childhood, the difference was that they were married and always ended up making up. The learnt behavioural pattern I have inherited actually drives people away.

I am also a rescuer, so long as they don't then turn on me. The moment I perceive a person I have devoted loving time to moves away from me, I am like a wounded dog and I snap. In my world, the worst thing a woman can do is try to be my friend when I want to sleep with them. I don't feel I am alone in this, I perceive that many of my male friends share these traits. However, most of my male friends are like me, recovering alcoholics.

There is an expression in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous): the ism in alcoholism stands for Incredibly Short Memory. While this repetition compulsion may be sustainable when we are young and more robust, at the age of 54 it is extremely damaging to me.

I have had relative calm for the last few months in trying to deal with my exuBPD married lover but I find myself wanting to repeat the behaviour again. Yesterday I didn't want to and today I do. That is how quickly my mindset and emotional life changes. I have discovered on here that my own emotional volatility has caused much damage towards myself and my ex, but once the compulsion is on me again I want to push the 'Fu*k it' button. This no longer means drinking but it does mean acting out emotionally. This is an issue I need to address.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for sharing your journey and listening to mine. How is your mom doing? What sort of work are you doing with your T. Seems we all have things to learn about ourselves. I really like that you meditate and find space within the chaos. I do as well, but I have been opting for distraction lately. Think I will go back to the cushion and sit tonight.

Hi T&S,

Mum is doing OK, recovering at home now thanks.  It's a good job I went in to the hospital when I did as it was necessary for someone to intervene.  Dad becomes angry and frustrated when things aren't going well and people aren't mind readers, forgetting the medics are stretched and have other patients to care for.  He puts old school faith in a system that is flawed.  Too much time inputting info into computers and not enough time for the nurses to read it all.  Mum becomes upset when she feels she's not being well looked after and is suffering.  She quickly falls into victim mode.  The medical professionals can only work with the feedback from the patient and since mum's stroke she regressed a little and sort of just agrees with everything, which is not always true - in fact often not.  Consultant: 'Are you eating and drinking OK?'  Mum: 'Yes'  Me: 'Actually no she isn't as she feels sick and hasn't for two days now so is very dehydrated as a result'  Consultant: 'Then we'd better get some IV fluids in' and so forth... .

I become the parent, step in, sort everyone out and build relationships with the staff to ensure that things go better.  We've done this time and again.     

Your session sounds like it was really productive and you made some good breakthroughs!  Your therapist has clearly figured out how to reach you and that's great.  I'm impressed with how open you are and willing to examine your own thinking processes.  In direct opposition to feeling the fears you do it takes a great deal of bravery to really look at what is inside and where it stems from, and I greatly admire you for this.  Something you said about feeling 'less' really struck a chord.  I told my counsellor that I felt less since developing my medical condition, in that I feel I used to be more.  It's not a nice feeling so I can relate to your discomfort with it.  Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts and feelings with us all.  I'm confident that your work on this will pay dividends because of your willingness to change the things that don't serve you and apply these changes in your life.  Inspiring.

She also shared how to be vulnerable in a safer way with a love interest. Instead of spilling my life story out there (like I do on these boards!), share just a small part of me with this person I am interested in, and observe her response - does she receive it, does she have empathy/interest, does she mirror, does she talk about herself? If she has empathy and interest, share another small part and so on. Basically, slow down.

Thank you for sharing this part of your session, as it has definitely hit on something that I'm prone to.  I should write your T's sound advice on my mirror! 

My coworker had a nice flower arrangement on her desk yesterday, so I am thinking that she may already have a love interest. The signs that I took as possible interest were a bit more physical proximity when we spoke about work things, tapping my knee with a pen when I teased her about being perfect (in her work, not a rhapsodic "you are the perfect woman for me" ... .not that far gone, yet), and a playful shove during another discussion. I've worked with her for 5.5 years. She's a pretty reserved, private person, and the physical touch was new. I tried not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but the feelings that awakened were not expected and pretty intense.

Perhaps your coworker had her birthday?  Alternatively it could be that a friend wanted to thank her for something kind she did.  Things are not always as they might appear or as we may assume.  You could make a comment about the flowers that would quickly gain a response to clarify on this?  After working with someone for a long time to suddenly find yourself in the realm of physical contact may be of significance.  If she usually appears as reserved as you say, perhaps you are drawing out a side of her that others don't.  That suggests that there is a forming bond here that is worth recognising, even if it is in her mind one of a blossoming closer friendship.  It's also possible that she has the same fears of rejection that you do... .     

I am afraid that my long term therapy hasn't yet commenced due to two factors - one being waiting lists here in the UK for these services and the other being that there's a condition I am free of crisis for 6 months before commencement.  Although the service isn't aware of this, I'm actually going through what you could call an emotional crisis at the moment in that I'm being hauled through family court unnecessarily by my previous ex for the sole purpose of causing me distress and exerting power and control.  It's extremely stressful and worrying, so in fact it is a good thing I'm not busy stripping back to my bare bones with a therapist at this point.  I am hopeful that I'll commence soon enough though, as I'm ready to do the work and put in the time that's needed to dig as deep as I can go.  Things will fall into place as they should.  I trust in this.

In the meantime I had counselling which ended and am on another list for further ongoing counselling at another service.  I've had my 12 week programme for the domestic abuse, which is built around CBT and am due to start some trauma focused CBT for PTSD symptoms in the not too distant future.  I've also done another 8 week mindfulness course to get my practice back on track.  Being honest it's hit and miss with my formal practice right now, however I do incorporate mindfulness into my daily living.  I hope you found benefit from getting back on the cushion? 

My current form of therapy is art on prescription, which I must say is fantastic.  The effect on my anxiety is profound and it's really centering me in ways I couldn't have imagined.  Thank goodness I put out as many feelers as I did in the early days as all of this stuff is really paying off.  I basically thought 'right, I need help and lots of it!' so reached out anywhere and everywhere I could.  My doctor has been really supportive in putting in referrals for me.  They know I don't really want to be on the SSRI's and it has taken for me to hit rock bottom to finally accept them.  It speaks volumes to them as I've been rejecting the idea for 6 years since I contracted my pain condition, which was life altering.

Something you said in your post is so profound and resonates with me regards my repetition compulsion so clearly here:

with that need to be seen and loved as I am not being met as a child, I identified that need as weakness and self-sufficiency as strength. So now, when I am attracted to someone, I associate the need for connection and to be seen/accepted for who I am with weakness. So yeah, about that fear of intimacy... .

As a result, I do things to be seen like trying to protect and please the person to gain approval, and fear they will see me as weak for having needs. Great beacon for BPD - here I am! Come get me! <sigh> Who knew that being human was such a hard thing?

I wrapped myself in independence and achievement, strength, reliability, being a fixer and a rescuer, someone who is never weak or gives up, who can beat anything and never be broken.  To hide the weakness as you say of my own needs inside.  I thought I was doing these things to give myself worth in the world, but it's a total contradiction.  All I've done is deny my own self worth by putting the needs of abusive destructive people before my own, and round the cycle goes... .never giving up, admitting defeat, caring enough about myself to get out... Yes being human is hard.  Indeed it is.  Thank you T&S   

[Harley Quinn]

Hey Harley,

I totally relate to that. It doesn't matter what emotional crises I have been through, no matter what the other person has done to me or no matter the depth of emotional abuse/turmoil on both sides, when the waters are calm, I am always willing to jump right back in.

I suspect that I too have BPD traits. My emotional life has always been volatile. I have always felt too much in relationships and then pushed them away when I felt they were going to hurt me, no matter how much I loved. I watched my mother and father play this game throughout many days of my childhood, the difference was that they were married and always ended up making up. The learnt behavioural pattern I have inherited actually drives people away.

I am also a rescuer, so long as they don't then turn on me. The moment I perceive a person I have devoted loving time to moves away from me, I am like a wounded dog and I snap. In my world, the worst thing a woman can do is try to be my friend when I want to sleep with them. I don't feel I am alone in this, I perceive that many of my male friends share these traits. However, most of my male friends are like me, recovering alcoholics.

There is an expression in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous): the ism in alcoholism stands for Incredibly Short Memory. While this repetition compulsion may be sustainable when we are young and more robust, at the age of 54 it is extremely damaging to me.

I have had relative calm for the last few months in trying to deal with my exuBPD married lover but I find myself wanting to repeat the behaviour again. Yesterday I didn't want to and today I do. That is how quickly my mindset and emotional life changes. I have discovered on here that my own emotional volatility has caused much damage towards myself and my ex, but once the compulsion is on me again I want to push the 'Fu*k it' button. This no longer means drinking but it does mean acting out emotionally. This is an issue I need to address.

Hi RF,

It's great to hear from you.  I'm glad to hear you've been having some relative calm and also that you recognise your own compulsion, which I know is difficult to resist.  I really love the ism saying about incredibly short memory!  That's so bang on!  It is shocking to me how I've entered into so many toxic relationships as if I've never experienced anything like it before!  How quickly I'd forget the tell tale signs of a bid for control, the flashes of anger and so forth, instead experiencing them somehow as new to me.  Crazy.  I think our brains have a LOT to answer for! 

Good on you for considering things about yourself that may not serve you in relationships and looking at the likely cause of your behaviours.  Have you put any thought into how you plan to address the issues you've identified?  Do you have a T already, remind me?  I must say that by insisting on diagnosis, that coming to a place where I knew, and had an understanding of myself, of my life, was such a feeling of weight lifting.  A huge relief.  I hope that you are able to also put the pieces together and can work with these towards creating a life you can love.

Love and light x 

[FlawedDesign]

Hello Harley Quinn,

You might also search for the term "Re-enactment Compulsion."  Same thing.  It is the tendency for those who have grown up in a dysfunctional family to be unconsciously drawn to relationships where the same dysfunction will be found.  I grew up, for instance, with a raging alcoholic father, who was very keen on strapping his kids, for nothing.  Thinking I knew what to watch out for in later relationships, I avoided like the plague anyone who had substance abuse problems or in whom violence was an issue.  Thought I was being aware.  However, I married "a nice young man" who was not alcoholic, or even a heavy drinker.  Many years later, I found out, though, that with certain triggers, he could be violent.   He had a mental/emotional breakdown at one point.  Not so long ago I found out that his whole pattern of behavior is that of overlapping BPD/NPD.  Big surprise!  The tip-off, particularly, was his need for revenge, against tiny slights that no one else would even notice.  All out of proportion to the "sin."  And by middle age, he was raging worse than my father had.  Long story short  --  I realized, after a great deal of reading the formal literature, that my father must have been BPD.  The alcoholism was actually secondary, or co-morbid to this, not the main issue at all. 

And so, true to form, without having been aware of it at all, I married a man with the BPD my father had had.  To make this system quite remarkable, my husband has overlapping NPD.  I realized along the way that my mother's exceedingly difficult "personality issues" were actually consistent with NPD, to a very high degree.  So, one parent with likely BPD, and one with likely NPD.  Then I married a man with that specific overlap.  So yes, I agree that the repetition Compulsion can rule us, quite invisibly.  I believe this concept was originally from Freud (one of his correct ones), though others  have since confirmed it in their own work.   

FlawedDesign   

[FlawedDesign]

Hi again,

While I am at it, you may want to look up the idea of "parentified" children.  They have often had one or both parents with NPD.  Maybe BPD as well. 

Parentification means role reversal, where a child is psychologically forced or expected to take on the regular role of an adult parent, forsaking their own childhood.  These children can be caretakers on many levels, to their parents themselves, or to younger siblings.  It could mean a child taking on any of several roles they are nowhere near mature enough for. 

Alice Miller wrote about this quite extensively (":)rama of the Gifted Child".  Such children become Co-dependents/Caretakers (in Schema Therapy, these are the Self-Sacrificers). Actually, it saves them from becoming Narcissists at least  -- one of the other potential fates in a family like this --  but they will on the other hand be NPD magnets all of their lives unless they can change their inner world.  See Ross Rosenberg's "Human Magnet Syndrome."  They become TOO good, too responsible, too empathetic, to everyone but themselves.  Rather the Golden Rule on steroids. They often end up marrying a Narcissist and being used as a long-term doormat. 

Another interesting and related concept is that of Scapegoating.  Parentified children are often the family scapegoat.  They are a bit different.  They are truth-tellers.  They are sensitive.  And so they become attacked by family members for this combination of strengths and vulnerabilities.  Scapegoating is hanging/projecting your sins or conflicts or denials on someone else, whom you can then mock and shun and drive away.  Poof!  There go the ugly bits of yourself you wanted to hide or get rid of.  Problem, however, is that the family scapegoat is innocent, but will suffer a lifetime of grief over this unfortunate inheritance unless it is well-addressed. 

Family Scapegoating is often intergenerational as well.  If you grew up the scapegoat in your family of origin, you are likely to be made a scapegoat in your own adult family also.  Many family-of-origin scapegoats finds themselves caught in Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting by a spouse or significant other when they are adults.  Christie Blatchford of Canada's National Post wrote an article in March about an unfortunate Intergenerational Scapegoat named Jeramey A.  He ended up a suicide statistic... .a person can only take so much, and his life was one long legacy of shunning and punishment he did not deserve.  I say a prayer for him whenever I think of this. 

FD

[takingandsending]

I wrapped myself in independence and achievement, strength, reliability, being a fixer and a rescuer, someone who is never weak or gives up, who can beat anything and never be broken.  To hide the weakness as you say of my own needs inside.  I thought I was doing these things to give myself worth in the world, but it's a total contradiction.  All I've done is deny my own self worth by putting the needs of abusive destructive people before my own, and round the cycle goes... .never giving up, admitting defeat, caring enough about myself to get out... Yes being human is hard.  Indeed it is.  Thank you T&S   

Thank you, HQ, for bringing this to light. I feel your support and truly appreciate it. Nothing ever remains as it is, and the people we were cannot be the people we are now. Sometimes, I take solace in that, knowing as strong as these habits are, that they are permeable, mutable, and never truly fixed in place as they seem. Just that bit of space from knowing that can help to be aware of my habits without fear. As my teacher once told me, all these neuroses are wonderful manure for seeds of enlightenment. I hope he's right.

[heartandwhole]

Hi HQ,

This is a great topic for discussion. Thanks for posting a thread about it. I can relate to a lot of the defense mechanisms (one book I really like calls them "compensatory strategies" you list. I also see myself as very independent and self-sufficient. Probably to a fault. I've always been comfortable with these qualities, but I see now that they may not be as "helpful" as they seem, especially when I examine my behavior in relationships, especially the most recent dynamics that played out. I hadn't realized how much co-dependency and caretaking were part of my makeup, until my relationship with pwBPD. Yikes! It really opened my eyes.

I have experience with and admire the work of trauma specialist Bessel Van der Kolk, MD, and have a PDF that he wrote on the subject of trauma and Repetition Compulsion. Don't know if you have seen it? Although a bit dated, I found it illuminating, and something in it may resonate:

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

From the Summary at the bottom of the page:

"Childhood abuse and neglect enhance long-term hyperarousal and decreased modulation of strong affect states. Abused children may require much higher external stimulation to affect the endogenous opioid system for soothing than when the biologic concomitants of comfort are easily activated by conditioned responses based on good early caregiving experiences. Victimized people may neutralize their hyperarousal by a variety of addictive behaviors, including compulsive re-exposure to victimization of self and others. Gaining control over one's current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of treatment. The only reason to uncover traumatic material is to gain conscious control over unbidden re-experiences or re-enactments. The presence of strong attachments provides people with the security necessary to explore their life experiences and to interrupt the inner or social isolation that keeps them stuck in repetitive patterns. In contrast with victimized children, adults can learn to protect themselves and make conscious choices about not engaging in relationships or behaviors that are harmful."


Van der Kolk says that Freud viewed the Repetition Compulsion as a strategy to eventually gain mastery over the trauma by re-enacting it, but that in fact, most people, instead of mastery, end up suffering even more as a result.

I'm so glad to hear that you are finding support in the therapeutic community. It can be a challenge to not only reach out, but to find help. I love it that your need is being responded to (does that sound like a bone fide caretaker, or what?  ) I found this paragraph in the article particularly interesting with regard to the idea of therapy as creating a "safe haven" conducive to recovery (it just happened to be a study with patients who had BPD, but the entire article is about anyone who has experienced trauma, neglect, and/or abuse). It's under the heading Treatment Implications:

"In our last study on patients with borderline personality disorder Judith Herman and I (unpublished data, 1988) asked our self-mutilating subjects what had helped them most in overcoming the impact of their childhood traumas, including their self-mutilation. All subjects attributed their improvement to having found a safe therapeutic relationship in which they had been able to explore the realities of their childhood experiences and their reactions to them. All subjects reported that they had been able to markedly decrease a variety of repetitive behaviors, including habitual self-harm, after they had established a relationship in which they felt safe to acknowledge the realities of both their past and their current lives."


It's a long read, but there are lots of interesting points to explore, in my opinion.

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Hi T&S,

It's wonderful to be on a journey that others are also taking.  This is one of the multitude of reasons that this community means so much to me.  It is rare in life that one can find a group of others who are on the same page regards their own nature as humans with whom to relate.  Self reflection could otherwise be quite a solitary and daunting experience at times.  Putting things in writing here certainly helps the process too.  Getting these thoughts out can make some sense out of the influx of thoughts and questions that can pile up and I've gained so much clarity from others including yourself.  It is very much appreciated.

As my teacher once told me, all these neuroses are wonderful manure for seeds of enlightenment.

 

I love that your teacher effectively calls them a pile of sh1t!     Excellent analogy!  It's no wonder you remember the words and yes I totally agree.  Was it Freud who said that the only way to reach true sanity is through insanity?  Whoever it was, I'd say it applies to many circumstances in life.  In other words I see it as a blessing to have things that we consider issues, as it can allow us to grow into people who truly understand ourselves and can choose to take control of our lives.  People who don't recognise anything they consider a flaw in themselves are less likely to achieve the same levels of insight and enlightenment, or at least to truly appreciate the attainment in doing so.

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FD,

Thank you for taking the time to share your findings from your extensive reading on these topics.  Everything you talk about here is really interesting and relevant.  I'd say a lot of it does apply to me.  I've posted on another thread about parentification and during the course of this thread has it become more clear to me that it is something I feel I've been subjected to.  I like the way you draw all of these things together.  

I hope that you are staying strong and looking after yourself as best you can at this difficult time.  I think of you often.  :)o you have interests/activities that give you some breathing space away from the family home?  Even the strongest and most resilient of us need to restore our energies.  What you are living through is unimaginable and my heart goes out to you.  Please lean on us and use the boards as a place to vent your emotions when you need to.  As you know, we have your well being at heart.

Love and light x  

[Harley Quinn]

Hi heart,

Thanks for your reply and it's good to hear that you can relate to some of this.  Much as you describe, I always found my independence and self sufficiency to be a strength in life, as it brought with it confidence to tackle things that others in my peers might shy away from.  As a fixer, I was always outspoken with solutions and found my problem solving abilities a strength in my career.  I made myself a reputation as a good autonomous leader and was recognised by my teams for the efforts I put into their professional development and progression whilst being supportive of them in their personal lives.  They had a lot of respect and loyalty towards me for these qualities.  It is in my personal relationships that these qualities have really had a negative effect for me too.

I have experience with and admire the work of trauma specialist Bessel Van der Kolk, MD, and have a PDF that he wrote on the subject of trauma and Repetition Compulsion. Don't know if you have seen it?

 

Yes, I've read this article and am so glad you shared the link so that I could review it again as it's great material, a lot of which does resonate with me.  Thanks for this.  I hope it can be helpful in others' understanding on the topic too.  In what way do you have experience with Bessel Van der Kolk, may I ask?  I'd be interested to know and perhaps to read more of his work if you can make any recommendations? 

Love and light x 

[heartandwhole]

In what way do you have experience with Bessel Van der Kolk, may I ask?  I'd be interested to know and perhaps to read more of his work if you can make any recommendations? 

Hi HQ,

It was in the context of a training/seminar about using yoga practice as an adjunct to talk therapy for trauma survivors. There have been some interesting studies about how certain kinds of bodywork can help with symptoms stemming from anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc.  Van der Kolk himself did a study on this as well.

Here are two books that you might be interested in to learn more about his work:

The Body Keeps the Score

Overcoming Trauma through Yoga: Reclaiming Your Body by David Emerson and Elizabeth Hopper; Bessel van der Kolk (Introduction).

His website is here: www.traumacenter.org

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Hi heart,

That must have been an excellent seminar to attend!  Thanks for the links.  I'll absolutely take a look at the books and his website. 

I practise Iyengar yoga, and my teacher gave me one of his books which is health focused.  I am going to look through for a section specifically on trauma.  Emotional health is definitely in there.  The concept makes total sense to me as energy/chakra work is used frequently to heal emotional imbalances so I'm glad that there is a recognised correlation.  Will be interested to read more.  After reading the article on repetition compulsion it's clear that he's an extremely clever man.

Love and light x