My Girlfriend's Past is Destroying Me

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys.

 It's late and I can't sleep, I'v had a couple mental breakdowns since yesterday.

I'v been with my BPDgf who's also Bipolar for the past 7 months. Since the first day we met she shared more then I wanted her to with me and just some she can't avoid but hurt me bad and I can't get past it... .One of the first things she said is that she was sexually abused when she was around 11-12 years old. I feel very bad about her specially since the sob still out there and there's nothing I can do to have him pay for it.

She also told me she was very promiscuous, not the word she used, but I don't think it's allowed to repeat here. She said to me she wanted to do it because she wanted people to like her. She also told me something that could lead up to prostitution... But one of the things that hurt me the most is that she showed me a post she made a few years back, bragging on having sex with one guy and the guy's cousin (female), she posted that on Facebook and even after a guy commented a bit startled and asking if it was true, she laughed and said yes.

That's killing me, everything together is really really bad, but the threesome with incest is just an atomic bomb I can't recover. I can't take the images of my head of what I think happened. It was also a fantasy of mine of having a threesome, which I never did because I usually have serious monogamous relationships and have never cheated. I'm not only tortured by the thought of them but my fantasy is also ruined, if I see sex scenes on movies or porn with a threesome or even someone mentioning menage or threesome I have a panic attack.

I have nightmares about everything. My mind is torturing me and I don't know how to make it stop. It's been months, I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

when something like that enters our mind, it is torturing. If you want to get over it, both of you have to work on that. When you have a bad experience about sex, you realize how much in daily life reminds you of that and makes you feel worse.

1st. You have to use the tools on yourself. We can only change ourselves, and as much as she did to fix this, there is one part that has to come from you.

- Do your best to soothe your feelings, relax, so your emotions don't get the best of you. Do you have a rutine for this? (Yoga, meditation, music, a spa, getting a massage, a hobby that relaxes you... .). Now you have the sensation that your mind is not yours, you are obsesed about this and it doesn't let you reason properly, isn't it? You can't solve this by force of thinking in one day, you've seen that already. First take a step back, distract yourself, do something to lower your stress.
- Validate yourself. It is understandable that you are worried, and that you are uncomfortable with those revelations. You have the right to need time to process. You worry because you care, any person would worry... .Validating would help you relax, and relaxing will help you validate.

- After you see you are "regulated" that your emotions are not stressing you out of your mind, then you can think positive solutions. As in, this is in the past, this doesn't mean she will do the same now. She's probably ashamed of doing that, but can't allow herself to feel it, or it would break her. She didn't ask to be this way, she didn't ask to be traumatized, and she delt with that as best as she could.

2nd. Talk to her. Does she think she would do that to you? Does she feel apreciated now? Is she a different person than what she was? Is she sensitive about your fear? Do you both want the same things?

Fantasies work in the mind, but in our imagination we choose how we feel about them. That doesn't happen in real life. But i've been trough something similar, and I can tell you that time helps. You can think about that in a good way again.

I hope you get to feel better.