Happily married - problem with emotional infidelity with BPDex

[AnaBen]

Dear all,

I am new to this board, but already reading a lot here has made me consider so many things. I am writing today, since I have finally mustered the courage to be honest with myself about the situation that I am in, which I really feel that I could need some thought and guidance on, so... .any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  

To make a long story short: Nineteen years ago I was in a short relationship with a woman that I was very much in love with. She left me for another from one day to the next and it devastated me. It crushed me emotionally on such a deep level that I think it changed me somehow - made me harder, more disillusioned, and it took me long to regain my footing.

Fast forward ten years to 2008. I am by then happily married to another woman who I at that point had been with for seven years, and I am still married to her today - in many ways she is the exact opposite of my ex, she is level-headed, steady, reasonable and very considerate. Out of the blue, my ex, who I by then had not seen for nearly ten years, sends me a message and a friend request on Facebook. By then, I thought that I was completely over her, really - but merely opening the message made my heart race. In the message she wrote that she had been in various forms of psychiatric care since 2002 due to BPD and post-traumatic stress disorder caused by sexual abuse she suffered as a child. (I did not know about this when we were together.) Little by little, we got in touch, began emailing, texting and eventually also hanging out, which we still do to this day. My wife knows and accepts that I see her, as she takes my word for that I only see my ex as a friend, and my wife also feels sorry for how life has turned out for my ex. (She knew her a little back in the day.)

My problem is that I cannot deny that I still feel strong attraction to my ex - which is completely absurd to me. She is by no means physically attractive anymore (to me, at least), chain-smokes, is in deep debt, has loads and loads of problems, etc. Sometimes I actually even find her physically repulsive when I see her. In contrast hereto, I have a very accomplished, caring, and beautiful wife, who I honestly love very much, and we have a great home and life together.

It has to be said that I have never cheated on my wife physically, but I must admit that the relationship that I have with my ex from time to time has slipped into what I would call emotional infidelity, something which I am definitely not proud of. I absolutely know that I do not want to be with my ex, and that being together with her would be a total disaster on so many levels, yet I must admit that she has such a deep hold of me still. It is as if I am attracted to a fantasy of my ex, not my real ex - it really makes no sense that I desire someone in my head that I do not desire in reality.

I am coming to the point where I know that I will eventually have to break off the friendship/relationship that I have with my ex, because I can feel that it fills up too much space in my head and numbs me in relation to my wife. I feel so torn between knowing how and wanting to do good, but it is as if I am filled with such a primitive longing for something that is not real. Do any of you have similar experiences and how do you cope with that?

Thanks so much in advance!

[insideoutside]

Yes!

My friend isn't what I would call particularly attractive; never was really.  He was always the 'ugly' one who was a bit weird but still managed to get his fair share of the ladies.  When he asked me out 27 years ago I was physically repulsed by him and had a joke about it with my friend (I was only 17 so not particularly mature).  However, I ended up in a relationship with him and was obsessed about him back then.  He was a bad boy, drank, took drugs, stole and was a hell of a lot of fun and exciting to be around.  Fast forward 25 years and we got back in touch, via Facebook, and he is now an actor.  Not a famous one but still, he's been on TV and a couple of films, one pretty famous one with Johnny Depp.  He no longer has any hair and has put on weight but there's just something about him that is magnetic.  I do love his voice, it has a great soothing quality to it and he does make me laugh.  So although he has an interesting career it doesn't pay well, he still doesn't have much going for him in the looks department, he no longer drinks or does drugs and doesn't like going out socially anymore, rents a room in a house and he's nearly 50.  So with all that going against him, why is there such as massive pull for me?

I too am married, my husband is 43, works hard, earns a decent crust, is fairly good looking and would do anything for me.  Why is it we have steak at home but find a quick and dirty burger also appealing?   Its got to be the charm they exude.

[Cazz787]

Mine was never charming, she never had the looks. I know now it was something in my self that I needed to fill. A connection (that is a facade) in which I wanted to believe that was happening. All these things were a script to her and a much needed eye opening therapy session for me.

After 29 years I finally want nothing to do with her. I hope for my marriage to be free from toxins. My spouse doesn't deserve it. However I am mindful enough to know I may have healed a great deal, and have no desire to reach out, but it will ruin me to be kind, reach out or to reciprocate in any of her passive aggressive attempts.
AnaBen you said yourself you feel repulsion, you know this isn't what you want. Maybe someone important from your past rears it's ugly repulsive head in her to remind you to work at repairing what hurt you in the first place? Maybe all the work is for something completely opposite and her rejections refreshed the fight in your mind?

It's up to us to find out why we need to try again try one more time and try a little more over someone we know doesn't deserve us, and makes us physically ill. The problem lies from within. None of us want the abuser back around.

[heartandwhole]

Hi AnaBen,



I'd like to welcome you to the community! I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with feelings toward your ex. You are definitely not alone, however. Many of us have been there, and understand the pull of a previous relationship, especially, it seems, when BPD is in the picture.

You've found a great place for support and resources that can help. I'm glad you posted about this topic. Some of our members have actually reignited their relationships after 20+ years, and have come back to tell the tale.

It is as if I am attracted to a fantasy of my ex, not my real ex - it really makes no sense that I desire someone in my head that I do not desire in reality.

I think you've hit the nail on the head, here. I know that in my relationship there was a huge fantasy aspect that, at first, seemed practically spiritual, but later, unhealthy and painful. I wasn't interested in pwBPD either, at first. Suddenly, he was reacting to me in ways that made me feel that he was really listening and cared about me and what I wanted and needed. Next thing I knew, we were in love... .

I think the draw towards a fantasy person may spring out of unmet needs that occurred in our family of origin. Can you connect anything in your family life that might relate to this?

How are things in your marriage going? Sometimes the seeming promise of a fantasy rears its head when we experience changes or feel stuck. As uncomfortable as this is, it's also an opportunity for you to get to know yourself and your needs better.

Keep posting. We are here to support you.  

heartandwhole

[ozmatoz]

I'm wondering how the "emotional affair" works in a bit of a different spin.  Rather than looking back to a pwBPD from your past, what about trying to get away from a pwBPD in your present?  As in my situation I have been with my uBPDw for 17 years but for the last 3 very tumultuous years I have found myself very open and possibly straying into dangerous territories with friends (nothing physical).  For me at least I think I'm attracted to the normalcy of these relationships.  To actually hear kind statements and share genuine laughs.  I certainly know it puts a strain on the marriage, but I also wonder if this is my internal cry for help or self realization of just how bad my current relationship is?

very confusing, the worse it gets at home, the more attractive these relationships become... .

[AnaBen]

Thank you so much for your replies and so sorry for the late reply  

I do know where in my past all of this began. I grew up with an extremely critical, manipulative, and controlling mother who fits all the descriptions I have ever read of NPD and an enabling, passive father. I was a lonely child who quickly learned to become (too) independent and self-reliant. Growing up, I was taught that love is conditional and hinges on your ability to make others (mother) happy. And that love can and will be withdrawn the moment you don't deliver what's asked. The thing is, I do, intellectually, feel quite aware of where my attraction to exBPD comes from, but it is as if this intellectual recognition does not have any influence on my emotions at all.

It sounds harsher than I mean it, but, for me, marrying my partner was an attempt to follow a "healthy" direction and not a question of desire as such. I loved her and still do love her, but it has never been with the mad attraction that I had to exBPD. I knew back then that I had to pursue "healthy" love consciously - that I was not drawn to safe or healthy love instinctually. I would say that our marriage is a happy one in almost every respect but that it lacks passion, from my side at least. I feel so stuck between knowing what it is right and healthy and having these emotions that are unhealthy and irrational.