I sense it coming...

[5xFive]

Like a runaway truck, I sense it approaching. The rage, the insults, the screaming and accusations. We are not there now. UBPDh is working to control himself, locked himself in the bathroom 45 mins ago. But in the last 2 days, he's gotten mad at me for the littlest, most irrational things.

For example, he's mad at ME because our s6 came home from summer camp 3 days in a row, upset bc kids don't want to play with him. So, it's my fault bc we live in Florida (and he hates florida). Why? Bc the people here are a certain type, in his opinion, and they are raising ignorant kids which s6 wouldn't have to experience if we lived elsewhere.
     I know this isn't rational, and there isn't any point in arguing so I don't.
Next he tells me he is taking my s6 and moving in with his cousin in WI. This is the same cousin who called him last week and asked if she could move in with us! So he would split up our kids? I know he wouldn't do this - He's a great dad. Why do BPDs say the most ignorant trigger-some things they can think of? (I was very proud that I did not react to this statement)

Before that, he got mad at me bc I took the morning off work to take s6 to first day of school, but I didn't take the afternoon off to pick him up so *gasp* he has to ride the bus on his "first day of real school". Just FYI, he went to full day kindergarten at this same school last year... .and rode the bus. I told him I'd be happy to leave work early to pick him up (I said this more than twice) and he was STILL mad at me- because I didn't think about it before he said something.

Yesterday he got mad at me for talking on the phone too loudly. Lol

We have not "fought" in over two weeks. He has yelled once or twice, but I have not jaded, I have validated when I thought it was appropriate and I've stayed silent when it wasn't. I've facetimed him on my lunch break and on my drive home every day to make him feel safe.

And still I can feel it coming.

Is it me? Am I tired and not validating well enough? Am I jadeing and I don't know it? I am SO busy at work. We have doubled our practice size in the space of a week, and doubled our staff as well. I am responsible for all A/R, A/P, HR, treatment plans, there's more- but that's not important. Am I so busy at work that I am somehow failing at home? I'm also tired from plain old lack of sleep- d8mo is a truly terrible sleeper and h never wakes up with her (he says it is because he is not built anatomically like I am to soothe her,  and he's right. She only wants me)

Is it him? His work has also been stressful, he has a class he has to take and pass this week, so I know he's stressed... .

Any of you had success? When you KNEW dysregulation was coming but you were able to turn it around? Is there any chance at all that I can skip  this cycle, or do I just have to ride this wave to the other side?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi Monucka.

Definitely the stress at work with the test, basically anything out of the ordinary will cause an uptick in the number of dysregulation episodes. Sounds like you are doing the right things for response. How are your boundaries? Are you letting him know as your own emotions heighten (even if you are not JADEing, reacting) that you need a break and will come back to hear what he has to say? You are going to feel tired with all you have going on, but pay attention to yourself too. Trust if you are noticing that you feel even more tired, that you probably are. And you need to have self care planned in addition to care for your husband.

Sorry for what you are going through, though it sounds like you are doing an awesome job of riding the waves.

[5xFive]

So far, I haven't needed a boundary (though I'm not very good at boundaries). But when he gets mad at me, he cuts me off. He won't talk on the phone, text, in person. He'll go in another room and lock the door. In the past, it's bothered me and I've pushed for communication. Now I'm just relieved he's not screaming in front of the kids, or while I'm at work. So I leave him alone.

He came out of the bathroom and started playing video games with s6, while I was rocking d8mo to sleep. When she was asleep, I rubbed his neck (which he had asked me to do earlier but I couldn't do bc the baby was so fussy), then I asked if I could get him anything and went back to doing my chores etc. he's calmer now, but I still feel it coming. If he's been mad this many times in the last 2 days, I'm bound to slip up somehow and trigger him past the point of return. This is my worry.

[snowglobe]

Dear @Monucka, by the way you are describing, you have a lot of plates to juggle in the air. Having work demands, young dependent children and managing your husband's needs can be very taxing for your body and mental state. Is there someone who can watch the kids so you can catch up on a little bit of sleep, other then your husband? From my personal experience, I've never been able to divert the storm from coming. I could make all the right choices, or so it seemed, my uBPDh was still able to find the little cracks and go into the wild lunatic mode. We are currently on a week 4 BPD rollercoadter, I never know what I'm walking into. I find it hard to find the middle ground, if I stay within an arms reach he insults me, uses profanities and pushes me away. If I leave, he becomes almost catatonic, and the rage intertwines with depression. I try to keep my kids engaged the best way I can, but now that they are older it's harder and harder to meet their needs and manage my uBPDh's symptoms. I find myself with a frequent memory lapses, could it be ptsd- sometimes I find it hard to remember when and how his splitting started. My memory is impacted, and so is my sense of reality. One thing that really helps me is to look after myself. Really put an effort from what I eat, to how I dress, hair, make up and all. Firstly, I do it as a ritual, it's my mask that I wear for the outside world. No one likes soap operas, there are a lot of people with different opionions, I don't want to hear another "take your kids and run" life's lesson. Secondly, it keeps my husband in check in some way. I present myself in a way that other men definitely pay attention. For him, if others find me attractive, I must be attractive. Thirdly, It's very little that I can control in my life, thankfully the way I dress and present myself isn't one of my issues. I hope that other group members with more clinics experience will be able to give you a solid advice, I could use it too 

[EmpatheticWife2B]

... .I'm bound to slip up somehow and trigger him past the point of return. This is my worry.

You just described the eggshells I walk on so much of the time. This is the thing (my opinion based on my personal experience, anyway)- we nonBPDs "slip up" by just being ourselves, behaving normally, reacting to things reasonably. We "slip up" because we inadvertently trip over our BPD's invisible wires. Even they don't know where they've planted those wires, why they put them there, when they put them there. It sometimes feels like if I say yes, I should have said no. If I say no, I should have said yes. If I went left, I should have gone right. If I went right, I should have gone left.

It's not us nonBPDs that "slip up", it's that the BPDs rules are set in opposition, they are constantly rewriting them as they go along. There's no way to win; no way to please them. No way NOT to "slip up".

After reading so many posts here recently, I'm learning so many things about validation and JADE. These strategies don't prevent the inevitable "slip ups" but it's a way at least to help manage the BPD response so we don't get dragged through the rollercoaster again and again. I'm starting to see the value in using these strategies. I wish I had been on this message board sooner.

[5xFive]

Well it's here.

He became the rage monster. I am dead to him, a c**t, retarded, stupid, a destructive force, selfish, missing something from my soul (!), no longer his wife, a HORRIBLE mother to our children, deserve to die alone, should die horribly, need to kill myself. I don't think I need to keep going, you get the idea.

Why? Because my s6 has 2 days left of camp, for the whole summer, and tomorrow is a field trip. So he has ONE day left of camp and my uBPDh thinks I shouldn't have sent him to camp bc he didn't have fun Mon-Weds. Well, I cannot bring him to work. I am way too busy and today is my 10 hour day. I can't stay home bc I am way too busy with this merger, I wouldn't even leave if I were sick.

So because I sent him, I am now painted black. I tried everything. I did not jade, I validated his feelings, I set a boundary when he started spinning out of control (of course I got an extinction burst from that - NOT fun). But I know I'm in for it for the next few days. The only way he MIGHT calm down is if our boy has a good day.
Im so tired.

[snowglobe]

Well it's here.

He became the rage monster. I am dead to him, a c**t, retarded, stupid, a destructive force, selfish, missing something from my soul (!), no longer his wife, a HORRIBLE mother to our children, deserve to die alone, should die horribly, need to kill myself. I don't think I need to keep going, you get the idea.

Why? Because my s6 has 2 days left of camp, for the whole summer, and tomorrow is a field trip. So he has ONE day left of camp and my uBPDh thinks I shouldn't have sent him to camp bc he didn't have fun Mon-Weds. Well, I cannot bring him to work. I am way too busy and today is my 10 hour day. I can't stay home bc I am way too busy with this merger, I wouldn't even leave if I were sick.

So because I sent him, I am now painted black. I tried everything. I did not jade, I validated his feelings, I set a boundary when he started spinning out of control (of course I got an extinction burst from that - NOT fun). But I know I'm in for it for the next few days. The only way he MIGHT calm down is if our boy has a good day.
Im so tired.

Dear Monucka, I'm in the same hamster's wheel right now with my uBPDh, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that like any storm this too shall pass. I can't add anything constructively, as I'm seekeing help for myself on this forum. However making some time for myself, seeing an old friend, trying to laugh and maintain sense of personal identity helps me to take my mind off. I'm very neurotic and OCD when it comes to our relationships. Constantly in a fixer and rescuer mode, so I need to remind myself that I'm also young attractive woman, that life will go on no matter what and that I and children will be ok, no matter what. 

[Tattered Heart]

Is it me? Am I tired and not validating well enough? Am I jadeing and I don't know it?
Is it him? His work has also been stressful, he has a class he has to take and pass this week, so I know he's stressed... .

I can tell you that it's not you. Yes, at times when we get busy and overwhelmed, we don't validate as well, but that is NOT what causes him to act this way. It's part of the disorder. Even if you were to do everything perfect, something will come along that will cause him to get upset. It's how he has learned to cope with the world.

Think of it like a bottle of soda that's been shaken up. The stress/pressure is building up inside of him. If he had better ways of coping, he could release the pressure a little at a time to give him relief, but he doesn't have those skills.  So instead, the pressure keeps building and building. If he doesn't find a way to relieve that pressure, then when it finally bursts open, all that built up pressure will spill out onto everyone.

[Tattered Heart]

Why? Because my s6 has 2 days left of camp, for the whole summer, and tomorrow is a field trip. So he has ONE day left of camp and my uBPDh thinks I shouldn't have sent him to camp bc he didn't have fun Mon-Weds. Well, I cannot bring him to work. I am way too busy and today is my 10 hour day. I can't stay home bc I am way too busy with this merger, I wouldn't even leave if I were sick.

Remember, it's not necessarily what you did. This has nothing to do with camp. It has to do with what he is feeling about camp. Where is he out of control? Could it be he is hurt for your son and he is angry he can't take away your son's hurt? Could he feel out of control about the structure of the camp? Or could your son being rejected by others be triggering an old memory in him where he felt rejected by peers?

[5xFive]

I believe that my son being rejected is triggering how he felt when he was rejected as a child. He even said to me that he knows how that feels.
Then he said that when our son comes home today, he is going to make sure he knows that I FORCED him to go to camp even though he didn't want to. Just to be clear, my son never asked if he could stay home. He never said he didn't want to go back. This is my h forcing his own opinions on my 6 year old.

When he said that, I probably should have kept quiet, but my response was that "I am happy to explain to him why he needed to go to camp today. Im happy to explain to him that sometimes we have to do things we dont want to do, but we do them with grace when we have to. We do our best to make good from bad and we DON'T give up when things are hard".

[Tattered Heart]

Is there a way you could validate the hurt that comes from being rejected? Maybe share a story of your own. Or just empathizing that it must be painful to feel like others don't like you... .or something like that?

[allienoah]

Monucka, to begin with -welcome! You must be exhausted and frustrated. With juggling two young children, a demanding job, running a household, and attempting to meet the needs of your spouse, I can imaging you are just trying to stay above water. It is very difficult to also avoid what will or will not 'trigger' our pwBPD. Yes he might be stressed, SO are you! It sounds like you handle your situations with grace, serenity and logic. I think your statement to your son about going to camp for the day was spot on.
It is very difficult when the goalposts are always shifting.
My bf can turn on a dime when I let my guard down and just BE. I always seem to be doing something wrong, disrespectful, or divisive. I know I am a good person and I don't want to hurt him, but honestly, I am hogtied to be able to figure out what his thought process is when he goes off.

[5xFive]

Tattered Heart-
Maybe I can.
I set a boundary that I need to put my phone away for the next 2 hours. That I will check it again in 2 hours, and if he would like me to call him, I will do so at that time. It has been 12 minutes since I set that boundary and he has texted me 8 times, calling me names, telling me that I am dead to him, that I always get to set the terms, that he is divorcing me and that he will be sure to teach our children what a terrible person I am. I have not replied to these text messages, I really do need to take a 2 hour break from him.
Is this an extinction burst, do you think?
Maybe in 2 hours, I will have some success in validating his feelings

[/quote]

Very good. It could be an extinction burst. He could just be really angry. Either way, stick to your boundary. If he keeps it up can you turn your phone off? If you can't turn it off, can you temporarily block his number so you don't see it?

[allienoah]

Monuka,
Hang in there!
You only need to stay with your boundary at this point. Let him text away-don't respond. This is an extinction burst from him, so let it fizzle out. If you don't answer, he will eventually stop. And then the next time, do the same thing. It is teaching them that you won't react. Now, the flip side to all of that is the fact that he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. You don't need to feel like you need to keep him calm, you can only control yourself. That is what took me a long time to learn. It is much easier said than done. I too just wanted him to stop, and I would say anything to lessen the blows. Not smart. Now I just let him go on his rant, try to validate some of what he is saying-remember-validating is not necessarily agreeing-and then calmly extricate myself from the conversation.

[5xFive]

Thanks. He texted and texted for 1 hour, and then he called my work number and the girls at the front transferred him to me. So boundary fail.

He tells me he was talking to his mother, and we are not going on a planned trip in October any longer, but he wants me to cancel all of the scheduled payments from his paycheck (for tomorrow) so that he can take his check and leave me and the kids. That he has already talked to his mom and she said he can move back in with her. How do I know this is a lie? Because 5 mins after he told me that, she texted me about changing our October trip, and everything else is status quo. If he said he was leaving me, she would have called me, worried. So why does he lie about leaving me? Does it make him feel powerful? In control? I don't understand liars. I especially don't understand liars who were screaming at me 4 hours ago that I am a liar!

Thanks for listening. I really appreciate your replies. When things are good, I think I don't need to vent, that I can do this - I am strong! But when I am under emotional attack, I'm like a baby. Needing to complain, justify to others, be told that I am NOT crazy or manipulative. I need validation I guess. But its never enough. The only person whose validation matters is the one person who won't even validate me on good days.

[takingandsending]

I was really hoping there was some way I could avoid it. Some way that I could act to keep him from dysregulating. Some tool or skill I could use to help him stay calm, or at the very least, keep the abuse off of me.

Monucka,
I am so sorry for the verbal assault you have suffered. Knowing it was coming and then having it be so hurtful is just painful. It's no surprise that you are exhausted and worn out.  

I agree with allienoah in that, sometimes, all you can do is offer brief validation and then remove yourself. Remove your son with you. Reassure h that you will return in 30 minutes and then do return. And you can be honest and say you are doing this because you are feeling upset or scared. Return 30 minutes later and if he starts up again, repeat the cycle. Your boundaries right now are about him. Make them about you. Putting the phone away for 2 hours is a good boundary, but you hear the texts coming in and are reading them. How are you protecting yourself? What would happen if you put him on Do Not Disturb for 2 hours so that you don't have to hear the text chimes? Can you not check for 2 hours or better, not check until you are in a strong enough place for yourself to read them? Or choose not to read them at all but after 2 hours say you are ready to talk?

For your h, feelings=facts. All you can do is do your best to try to validate what you think he may be feeling - betrayed, scared, alone (whatever he is living through your 6 year old), empathize - I felt that way too when I went to camp, and speak your truth - we both love S6 dearly and we support him best when we work together. That's what I want to do with you.

You are going through so much. No one can think clearly under this type of pressure. If you can start doing the small boundaries for yourself, not him, but you, you will get at least a little more space to know what you can or cannot do. I am really sorry you are going through this, and I hope your situation calms down soon. And, for what it's worth, you are doing all the right things to not make it worse.

[EmpatheticWife2B]

... .the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that like any storm this too shall pass. ... .

@Snowglobe - YES! I'm starting to learn to cope with my uBPD-bf's inexplicable behavior (which I'm now beginning to understand with this forum's support and my readings) is knowing that the storm does pass. The storm does pass... .though the storm can be soo ugly and difficult to weather.

[5xFive]

though the storm can be soo ugly and difficult to weather.

This is what I struggle with. When it's here, it doesn't feel like it will ever pass. Some of this things uBPDh says are so irrational (as I know we all experience) and as a logical person, this is very difficult. I like things a certain way, my T never diagnosed me with OCD but my coworkers make fun and play tricks by rearranging my desk (all in good fun) to watch me set it back up the way I need it. I try to validate, set boundaries, keep my damn mouth shut, but sometimes I am not in control of my reactions. What he said is not real! I feel the need to acknowledge reality, and so I push and push. I have been reading the lessons, and I think I need to work some more on radical acceptance.