Confused

[Moonchild9]

Hello everyone...
First, I would like to apologize for my bad english...
I would like to introduce myself before I start with my question...
My story begins in early puberty... I was in love with this guy... my now Ex which i suppose has BPD...
I was madly in love with him and I though he was too...
We were in a brief relationship back than... it was just a romantic childish relationship for few days... and he left me... I was devastated. His reason was... I'm not for you, am bad you are too good for me... Years after, he always gave me signs that he still care but I moved on... but not inside...
Then he moved to another country and we had no contact for 12 y or so... I moved on with my life completely but never forgot him.
Than we met on social media. And after 4 y of on and off comunication we saw eachother for the first time.
Than our relashionship started and that was my dream that came through.
Everything was perfect at the begining. We traveled a lot bc we still leaved in separate countries.
But than I started to recognize some strange things. I suspected that he still had few other girls on the social media that he was contacting... at the begining I thought it was his game to make me jealous... but after a year I found out that he was messaging with one of them... Before that, I asked him about that person and he laughted and said that Im crazy and that they are just old friends and that he doesn't write her private messages. There our relashionship had our first major  problem. My trust was gone. He promised me to never have any contact with her again. Slowly I began to trust him again , but since it was a long distance relationship it was realy hard. His mood swings also began and our fightings. He could be so cold and cruel at times. And he started to control me more and more. He acused me of cheating for no reason because my cellphone was blocked during a dinner with my entire work collegues. That wasn't my fault. After a year of his control, I stopped almost seeing my friends. Even when my best girlfriend came at my house I had to send him pics of her and me to prove him that nobody else isn't there. He started to hate her and all my best female friends. Than he started to check my phone, computer... he came one night from another country where he lives to "surprise" me and the next morning started with his cheking of everything in my appatment and acusing me that I have someone else. The thing is that he had nothing to worry about. I was completly mad about him... he was the love of my life. But it got worst. Each time he came or we went on a trip toghether he had his moments and more and more he wasn't himself. I started to see that he is a manipulator and a liar. And he was more and more verbaly agressive. Once he crushed his phone during our Skype call... He called me after 10 days to ask me where I am and with who? After 10 days of silent treatment!
At the end of the relationship he started to call me at night... to ask me to send him proof that I sleep alone in my bed... in the morning that I wake up alone... he acused me of cheating with all my male coworkers... my neighbourghs... all my exes and so on... there was no just one imaginary man in his head but everyday it was someone else. I had to send him proof from my dentist... from a bank from a school with my child... from a bus ... .everyday and all day I was proving myself. Then he started to call me bad names... then when I got angry he would apologize... two days everything would be ok and than again he started with his accusations.
At the end I snaped and went NC whithout knowing anything about BPD or NC... it was my brain that was sreaming for help... I lost weight... was anxious... had sleeping problems... eating problems. He blamed me of not willing to calm him down... to prove him he was wrong... to call him everytime he got his bad thoughts...
I couldn't live like that anymore... I gave him everything that I am... and that wasn't enough... .
After NC for 1.5 month he came out of the blue to my city and called me from another number bc his was blocked. I was going to return from work at that moment... he told me he wanted just his stuff back and that is urgent. I didn't mention that he also threatened me with suicide on the day I went NC and sent me morbid photos than deleted them for no evidence. After 2h that I blocked him... that same day he earased all our pictures from fb... changed his status that he is free... we were engaged... and started putting quotes about cheating and how he gave everything to his love...
He even started flirting publicly after few days and had in my oppinion few fake accounts of girls that wrote him comments on his pictures... how sick...
After all that he kept our picture on viber...
This game was endless. I was better until the day he came back for his stuff. As I said he called me and it was urgent. I asked which stuff is so urgent to you... he said my pants and tshirts... come on!
I said that I can't give him his stuff at the moment and I said I will send him message to inform him when I will send him a package. He said no you dont have to. It doesnt metter anymore. And he insisted to come to return me my stuff which I have none. I hung up.
I didn't saw him. My parents called him and sent him his stuff back and he didn't called me anymore. But Im still scared. I dont want to see him. He was very nice to my parents when they called him. He was nice to me too... but he is manipulating again.
Now he puts pics on viber that once I sent him that meant something to us... he puts angry songs on social media... and he flirts with other girls. I dont understand what does he want from me? Its over! Over! He ruined eveything that I ever felt for him! I just want to be sure that he will stop coming and searching for me. Please give me some advice and once again sorry for this long post and my bad english... love to all

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Moonchild9,

I'm so glad that you came here to post.  Firstly let me assure you that if English is not your first language then I could be fooled as it's excellent.  What you describe sounds like a typical BPD r/s - certainly has a lot of elements of mine with the control, paranoia, accusations, demands of proof, checking everywhere, accessing phone, computer etc.  Also the suicide threats and isolation.  I empathise with how you must have been, and are feeling.  It is very draining, painful and confusing.  Many other members will relate to this and you will find by reading others' posts you're far from alone in your experience.  This can be a huge comfort in itself.  It certainly was for me.

Now he puts pics on viber that once I sent him that meant something to us... he puts angry songs on social media... and he flirts with other girls. I dont understand what does he want from me? Its over! Over! He ruined eveything that I ever felt for him! I just want to be sure that he will stop coming and searching for me. Please give me some advice

You said that you went NC.  Have you maintained this?  My first piece of advice right now would be to stick to that if you truly don't wish to have any further dealings with him, as opening up lines of communication can signal that you are open to get back involved and could make him come back with renewed energy. 

The second thing I'd advise is to stop looking at his social media full stop.  The reason I say this is because being aware of what he is doing is only allowing him the power to continue affecting you.  In order to detach and heal you require some space and time to be able to focus on yourself and you will begin to regain some strength and perspective.  The members of this board can share their own experiences with you, and reading others' posts will help you to see what has been successful for others.

Take some time to look at the great articles at the top of this board as a starting point and have a look at other resources available here as there are lots which can help you to answer questions and aid your understanding of your experience.  Knowing what happened to you and why can make a big difference in allowing you to eventually move on from this.  Do let us know if you have any questions that you are struggling with and we'll give you our thoughts and share information that can aid you.

Try to take care of yourself right now.  You've been through a lot and it takes it out of you.  Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist?  This could be worthwhile and many of us find this incredibly helpful in making sense of the r/s and finding ways forward.  The lessons to the right here are also extremely helpful.

Stay in touch.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

 

[Moonchild9]

Hi Harley Quinn

Thank you for your answer, it really means a lot to me...
You asked if I maintain NC... yes... he is blocked everywhere and can't reach me, but I can still see his pictures changing on Viber ( I didn't erase our messages from my phone and it's my reminder when I feel very low to not contact him ever again)... Btw is that normal?
Also, I know that it isn't healthy to look at his social media pages, but at the beginning it was comforting to know what is he doing and to reassure myself that he doesn't write something nasty about me. Also I was expecting him to come here where I live so I was checking... but it causes me a lot of pain now because he is putting songs that once I sent him and dedicates them to other girls, or pics from Internet that I sent him, he tags another girl on it... I know that it's childish and stupid, but still it hurts.
I do not understand why he puts everything in public... why he puts almost everything that has something about us... ether in positive or negative way... I read about the spaghetti effect, but Im not sure that this is it.
I am scared to drive him even more crazy by NC, and that he will return to search for me. Is that possible? I returned him all his stuff. He has no more excuses.
Does this kind of person ever realize that he has a serious problem? I tried to help him. I didn't just left him. I couldn't anymore and sometimes I feel bad because I left him with his problems alone. But when I begged him to go to a specialist he said that I am his only cure...
I am thinking to go myself now, as you said Harley Quinn... I was better, but now after his contact and knowing he was here in my building, I feel insecure and every emotion came back. I think about him and every thing I came through everyday and it's so draining and isn't healthy at all.
Thank you for all your advice, I will be reading all articles and messages here and I find it very helpful and comforting. The support means a lot. Love and light

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Moonchild,

I'm glad to hear you are going to seek help to work through things.  This is a very wise decision and I hope you quickly feel the benefit of your choice to do so.  I'm sure it will help a great deal.

( I didn't erase our messages from my phone and it's my reminder when I feel very low to not contact him ever again)... Btw is that normal?

If you find this works in preventing you from reaching out in moments of longing - where you remember only the good aspects of the r/s - then I guess it's whatever helps you.  Perhaps you could journal things you wish to keep as reminders for not making contact and remove the messages?

Right now I'd say that keeping that door firmly shut regards contact will send a message to him that you are upholding this boundary of wishing to be given the space you need to recover.  Contacting him or responding to any attempts on his part will give him hope of a recycle of the relationship and if that isn't what you want then I'd steer clear of giving this impression.  You need a break to focus on taking care of yourself at the moment.  If you were to get any unwanted contact you have options of contacting the police if necessary.  Just remember that.  After all there is no one who could deny that the relationship was abusive.  You would be well within your rights to enforce that he leaves you alone if that is the only way.     

Regards looking at his social media, it seems that now would be a good time to also set some boundaries on yourself to prevent yourself from inflicting further pain and turmoil on yourself.  It would appear he is trying to get a reaction from you and it's important to consider what providing that reaction could cause for you.  Try instead to turn your attention fully onto yourself now.  It can be so hard to let go of the good times from the beginning, the guilt about giving up, the what if's, and it is likened to overcoming an addiction, which is a good analogy and actually there is scientific evidence indicating there are strong similarities to this.  If you find yourself re reading messages continually and looking online at his accounts this will slow down the process for you and drag it out.  Stay firm with yourself and avoid doing these things so that you can begin to heal.

You're a kind, caring individual and he has attempted to make you feel responsible for his well being by saying you are his only cure.  This is not the case.  You are not responsible for anyone's feelings or behaviours, only your own.  Be careful not to be caught up in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that can be such a common element of a BPD r/s.  In answer to your question about if he can realise he has a serious problem, it's unlikely that he has failed to notice this, given the patterns of behaviours and consequences he will have experienced in his life.  He will be very aware of the deep emotional pain he suffers and probably just as aware of his maladaptive coping mechanisms.  However, unless he seeks proper professional help, no individual can make him better or fix him.  It is a task beyond you or I to achieve this for someone.  So let yourself off the hook.  It is now time to look after yourself.  Believe me, I struggled so badly with this and once I realised it was the right thing to do the sense of relief was enormous.  Small steps add up.  I no longer feel selfish for caring about myself and putting myself first.  You can get there too.

We're here for you.

Love and light x   

[Moonchild9]

Thank you Harley Quinn
Everything you said is right... I should stop looking at all his accounts because I realise that he still tries to communicate with me in that way... and he still has power on my emotions and thinking... I should stop analysing all his moves and go on with my life. But still knowing all that it's hard to be firm enough and stop doing so... I suppose that with time it will be much easier and I will stop. Professional help will certenly help me during this hard times.
It's comforting to see that at the end it' s possible to move on and realise that we are not responsible for what happened and we couldn't help them if they don't realise themselfs that they must seek help in order to be better with themselfs first and then with someone else.

Love and light