Should I wish her a happy birthday?

[roberto516]

It's been a rough day or so per previous post. I think another thing really weighing on me is that it's her birthday on monday. No contact for 6 weeks on both our parts. She has definitely detached quite well and appears to be thriving in life. I don't know if I should send something monday saying "lilly (the dog we got together which I took when she gave it to me) and I want to wish you a happy birthday." And just leave it at that.

I've seen posts like this before where people had to confront this and I knew the day would come. What have other people done? How did you feel after it? I'm not looking for a reply. It's not a reach out to probe or anything. It's over for me as well. But is it a decent thing to do? Thanks in advance.

[once removed]

i wouldnt. my view is that while its certainly decent, unless theres a level of contact, its inappropriate between exes. should you choose to, i would leave the dog out; i doubt that would be well received.

as always, check and weigh your motives, whatever you do. remember that this could be one of them:

Lastly, I am having a real struggle with that letter. I guess the anger wants me to send it to say basically "Hey. I'm still here. Don't forget too easily that I am hurt and this is what happens with people who get involved with you."

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

I think you know what I'm about to say... .

If it were the other way around, would you see it as an excuse to make contact?  And if so, what impression would that give you?

Head up young person (quote from a guilty pleasure film - The Object of my Affection)

Love and light x

[vanx]

Take that energy and do something kind and even indulgent for yourself!

[roberto516]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to take the advice of those who have walked the path before me. I had to ask because I know if I didn't tell on myself I was capable of much more. I should just let her enjoy her birthday. Why do anything to upset that or possibly throw her for a loop? It would be quite selfish and void of a lot of empathy for her if I was to do that. And it would be a lack of empathy for myself to go through more pain by trying to have any form of contact.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad you decided to tell on yourself if it has helped.  Be kind to you.  Ever tried mindful eating?  Awesome with something totally sinful 

Love and light x

[StayStrongNow]

By having no contact with her regarding her birthday you just denied her of having control over you. This is what she thrives in. The most important thing, you just made a good decision for you. A step of detaching and healing.

Good form.

[roberto516]

By having no contact with her regarding her birthday you just denied her of having control over you. This is what she thrives in. The most important thing, you just made a good decision for you. A step of detaching and healing.

Good form.

 as much as it would give me some joy to know that my situation is a little different. There is no thought in her head about me. But you know what? When I'm thinking more rationally that is a good thing. Because it means I won't have to battle with her reaching out anymore. Now it's all about my own control of myself with no pressure from her as she has done in the past when she needed me. And it's up to me to heal and do whatever I need to for myself and because I want to. I did a lot of venting this weekend here and it has been helpful with everyone's support. It's been a rough wave and it's looking a little calmer for now but when it comes back I'll just have to ride it out again.

And Harley, I'm going to try to do some binge philosophy now. I bought a book that contains the two zen books "the gateless gate" and "the blue cliff records" Apparently they are books that help students gain access to truths that are inexpressible in words. So that's going to be my form of binging as I'm really curious what that actually means.

I also hung out with my "little brother" this afternoon as I'm a volunteer for big brothers and big sisters of america. Whenever I feel down I try to help others. It's the most effective way I know how to help myself right now. I wish I didn't have that part in me that likes to help and be of service to others but I think I'm learning how to channel it to people and things that will really benefit and be thankful for what I do offer. I think that makes a world of difference for me now as I want to get back to giving and caring without expecting anything in return. I want to solely do it because it's what I want to do. Not out of obligation or fear or guilt. Thanks everyone again. I appreciate the feedback on this one.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

The books sound really interesting.  I'm curious too.  Do let us know what you think of them.  As for wanting to help others I think you're going the right way about it and it sounds so very rewarding.  Keep up the great work!

Love and light x 

[JQ]

Hey Roberto,

It appears that you have the guidance of people like Harley Quinn to your questions and it appears you've done some good things for YOU~!  I'm glad you didn't open the cage doors to those flying monkey's ... .

J

[roberto516]

Hey Roberto,

It appears that you have the guidance of people like Harley Quinn to your questions and it appears you've done some good things for YOU~!  I'm glad you didn't open the cage doors to those flying monkey's ... .

J

Thanks JQ. Well the test will be tomorrow. But I have to remind myself that nothing good will come from it. It will validate to her that I still think about her and it will set me back in my recovery no matter how much my brain tries to convince me otherwise. The help and brutal honesty here is invaluable to me.

[Harley Quinn]

Love yourself enough roberto.

You can resist.  I believe in you.

Love and light x

[patientandclear]

Thanks JQ. Well the test will be tomorrow. But I have to remind myself that nothing good will come from it. It will validate to her that I still think about her and it will set me back in my recovery no matter how much my brain tries to convince me otherwise. The help and brutal honesty here is invaluable to me.

I don't think you need to care about whether it confirms to her that you think about her. Of course you do; that is healthy and normal. And unless this is stake/power struggle, it doesn't matter if she knows that.

The better reason not to reach out is for clarity in your mind and hers. You care about her AND you are not reaching out. Those things can go together and that (changing our practices despite feelings to the contrary) is how we make new mental pathways.

Re-opening the door without complete acceptance of the current reality is a recipe for hurt, and probably for her, too. I can't accept what my ex does whenever we are in touch, and so we are not in touch, though I care for him. He knows I care and for the first few years of our saga i always reached out on his birthday no matter what. But then he acted in ways that mean it doesn't make sense for me to convey my caring in the way I used to. It's sad and hard. Sometimes we get caught up in a mental loop about whether to take some action because it provides a sense of control over a painful situation, yet the more healing course is to embrace the grief and loss you feel without trying to do something about it.

[once removed]

It will validate to her that I still think about her

i want to distinguish a bit here:

you do still think about her, and theres nothing wrong with that. i cant promise you that shes aware of that, but its a reasonable assumption.

im confident she still thinks about you (it hasnt been very long, people dont usually up and forget their exes exist), and theres nothing wrong with that.

theres nothing inherently wrong with sending a "happy birthday". nothing about sending those two words that need set you back in recovery.

the issue as i see it is one of motivation. the question came up while you were having conflicted feelings about sending the letter you had written. in other words, there is an ongoing urge to reach out, and these are various ways with "bargaining" with that prospect.

the urge to reach out, and the action of reaching out arent inherently wrong either. but there are several considerations here:

- feelings are hurt on both sides
- feelings are hurt on both sides and it hasnt been very long (this can make the prospect of something as simple as "happy birthday" a bit risky)
- whether you really want to wish her a happy birthday, or whether you want to send a message of "im still here"

the message you intended to send included the dog - there are a lot of hurt feelings over that dog. that suggests to me that it was more a matter of telling her "im still here". it was a dig, and if that wasnt your intention, it likely would have been taken that way.

my suggestion: work through that. if need be, rewrite what youd really like to tell her/wish her even if its to go to hell. i dont think talking yourself out of it because it tells her youre thinking of her addresses any of the underlying motivation. you may find that after these feelings have been worked through further, you might still want to close the book on a better page. she may too. thats normal. when and if that time comes, youll be in a better place to deliver or receive that message.

[Skip]

Taking this to 75,000 feet... .

Whenever a relationship is severed, things of value in the relationship (e.g., pet names, holiday wishes, etc.) suddenly lose their value and relevance; especially in the near term.

A birthday wish from anyone, at the very least means, "I thinking fondly of you". From an recent ex, it could also mean, "probe".

I suspect that you want to validate her in some way, which is a nice sentiment. Is there any way to do that at 6 weeks? I'm not sure there is.

[roberto516]

Taking this to 75,000 feet... .

Whenever a relationship is severed, things of value in the relationship (e.g., pet names, holiday wishes, etc.) suddenly lose their value and relevance; especially in the near term.

A birthday wish from anyone, at the very least means, "I thinking fondly of you". From an recent ex, it could also mean, "probe".

I suspect that you want to validate her in some way, which is a nice sentiment. Is there any way to do that at 6 weeks? I'm not sure there is.

Thanks everyone. Yeah there is no way to do that. Even to rationally go through it we didn't end on good terms. The logical reasoning behind it would be, as I hinted in another post which Once Removed picked up on, is "Hey... don't forget that I'm still here."

If I do care about her, which sadly I do, the best thing to do would be to let her enjoy her birthday in peace and happiness. That won't occur if I send her something. I need to practice genuine empathy for her again and not just for everyone else in my life. And I also have to take care of myself and have that empathy.

There really is no desire to reach out to her today. I hope she's enjoying her day despite how much I still have anger.

And after the relationship I wouldn't stop reaching out. So there is that effect on the whole situation as well. Time to do things differently and leave her in peace.

[once removed]

There really is no desire to reach out to her today.

hang onto this. its good advice. these kinds of urges can strike at any time, we can find ways to rationalize them, and they are feelings that will usually pass. it never hurts to "sleep on it".

[roberto516]

hang onto this. its good advice. these kinds of urges can strike at any time, we can find ways to rationalize them, and they are feelings that will usually pass. it never hurts to "sleep on it".

Literally once removed. 1 minute ago one of my old bosses came to the office and was speaking to my boss and I guess was looking on facebook and said "Oh, it's her birthday today." I don't want to do it because of how uncomfortable it will be but I seriously think that I need to tell people to please just stop talking about her around me. I figured they would know and everything. If someone I worked with ended a relationship with someone I knew I wouldn't bring up her name around him or her unless they breached the subject first. There's no urge to contact with this but there is some frustration. It's like she is haunting me everywhere I go .

[once removed]

you can be straight forward about it. that everyones concern felt nice for a while, but now youd prefer not to hear about her or know what shes up to, and if they could keep that in mind it would be appreciated.

there arent any guarantees that everyone will heed it, though.

[roberto516]

you can be straight forward about it. that everyones concern felt nice for a while, but now youd prefer not to hear about her or know what shes up to, and if they could keep that in mind it would be appreciated.

there arent any guarantees that everyone will heed it, though.

I honestly don't think they know what it actually was that went on behind closed doors and such so I understand their ignorance about it. It's what I probably have to do.