Wife doesn't know she has BPD

[SoSadHusband]

I have been married to my wife 25 years this month.  I started therapy at the beginning of this year to figure out why our marriage has become so difficult.  After extensive reading about:

1) PTSD because she was abused as a child (but no longer is willing to admit it after the death of her father last year)
2) Incest because she was groped by her grandfather which she told me very early on in our 29 year relationship, and possibly others.  I read Healing the Incest Wound, which lead me to my next book
3) Other forms of of incest like psychic incest - Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller - she had to be what her parents, especially her mother, wanted her to be be - not who she was.  I read several books by Alice Miller like The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self and Banished Knowledge:  Healing Childhood Injuries.
4) The chaos of her childhood.  She read a book called the The Glass Castle, and told me I should read it because it pretty well described her childhood.  I read it at the time and thought "WOW" what chaos she grew up with!  That was probably 8 years ago or so, at a time when she would admit that her childhood was not all "fun and games", and that she was abused.  I reread it to refresh my memory of what her childhood was like.
5) I Am Supposed to Protect You From All This by Nadja Spiegelman - I just happened to pick this one up in the library.  It provides a case study of how abuse is passed down from generation to generation.  Her parents, my wife and I concluded long ago, were abused in their childhood.  The book is autobiographical.
6) The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  This is when I realized why conversation with my wife was so "crazymaking", and that I was being seriously verbally abused.
7) People of the Lie - her family is a family of liars - she has no trust because she has often said about each of her family that they are liars - she doesn't realize it but she frequently makes stuff up as a way of abusing and controlling me.  Even though my wife, her brother, and her mother all frequently have described the abuses they suffered from my father-in-law, now that he died last year he was nothing but a paragon of virtue.  I understand they loved him, but let's keep it real!  In our 29 years together he was always the big man, posing like he was the mayor of the city.  In fact they lived in squalor and filth, and when he died he left his wife of 50+ years practically broke.
8) The Emotionally Abusive Relationship - I had asked my therapist about three months into therapy what he thought her diagnosis was.  He said BPD - a lot of my reading focused on that but it wasn't until I read this one that I was firmly convinced he was right, because it described my reality perfectly.
9) Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger on how to cope with being in a relationship with a BPD. 
10)  Anyway I won't give you the whole list, but this has been my journey of discovery.  The readings have been enlightening but also have made me very sad, for her, for me, for our children who are mostly grown, but have been scarred by the abuses that they too suffered, especially my daughter.

I don't believe in divorce but our marriage has become so hard.  Most of these books describe relationships where the BPD's know they have BPD.  My wife does not know she does.  She has been seeing a therapist for two years and maybe the therapist knows my wife has BPD, but I don't believe she would have told her that.  I've read that DBT would benefit her, but I don't see her practicing any of the techniques.  I've begun to call my wife on all the many forms of verbal abuse she heaps on me and told her it is unacceptable, but it is so ingrained at this point, she hasn't shown any inclination to stop it.  I told her the form of completely unacceptable abuse was triangulating the kids into our marital issues.  It was after a very upsetting series of incidents over Christmas and New Years where she did this that I chose to seek therapy.  The four marriage therapy attempts with four different therapists we have tried over the last few years or so have all broken down.  Why you ask?  In every case she would start verbally abusing me in the sessions at some point, and the therapist would say "You can't talk to him that way!"  At that point she would start crying.  Upon leaving, she would say "I am never going to see that therapist" again

Anyway, after all that is there anyone out there that has been in a relationship with a BPD and eventually they found out and got treatment?  I've read that I can't tell her, that she needs to hear it from a therapist or other mental health professional.  Is there anyone who told their significant other they had BPD and asked them to get help, and how did that go?

Got to run.  My wife and son are home.  Any help is much appreciated.

SoSadHusband

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Thanks for your post. It was really interesting to read and think about all of this with you.

It's interesting, last year as I was searching through and trying to figure this out I ran across a description online about BPD. I was going back and forth over whether he was bipolar or BPD, and now I wonder if possibly both, but... .He had already acknowledged he was "unstable" and he noticed his motions were erratic, so I just sent him  an online quiz about it and he later read a description and he said "oh, that's me!" It was good for me to hear he agreed with what he read, frankly I was less sure, but he saw it at that moment. But that was us!

So, while it's a good idea not to tell her you KNOW what she has, you could suggest perhaps, I think, that she look at a description and see if it makes sense to her, ya know? But that is just my opinion. I would back off if she was super negative, but in my case, it gave him some sense of relief and he immediately wanted a "cure". I had to break it to him that it didn't quite work that way.

Perhaps you just leaving all these books around could be a big hint that you are thinking about this stuff and might make her curious. But also, remember, that even with a diagnosis... .Well, what you really are wanting, I'm hearing, is an acknowledgement that there is a problem and you probably want her to commit to do something about it? But can you also be okay if that does not happen? After all you do know what it is most likely and the only part you can really control is your response to it. You can't change her, but you can encourage her to work on things together at her pace.

You could also just say you are gaining a lot of insights from your own readings and you are learning how to be a better partner to her. That might get her interested and asking you for more information. Or not.

Diagnosis or not perhaps you could just focus in on the verbal abuse and take her a bit off the defensive by saying you want to learn about communication together so you can improve things together. It might help her understand how and why you are setting limits. I think the more we can get away from a "they are bad" "we are okay" stance, the more chance we have to help their defenses come down. But I know, easier said than done.

But I notice lately that when I can hold myself when he starts attacking and validate his feelings, listen past his attacks, and listen for the feelings and respond to the hurt I am hearing then I have a chance to see a faster resolution. It is not easy. He constantly interrupts and throws verbal bricks at me. I am taking a hail of fire and I don't always feel well... .do I block the bricks or stand there defenseless and let them hit me? But instead of that I guess I mentally melt the words/bricks. It's a lot of explosions and drama, but when I can see past all that to the basic feeling and needs being expressed and rise to the occasion of that the battles are cut off a bit.

I wish you well!