GrandmaE
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 5
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« on: August 06, 2017, 03:02:53 PM » |
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Our daughter-in-law, K, seems to be happier (i.e., less grouchy) only when she is pregnant. They have 8 children ranging in age from 1 to 17--two girls and 6 boys. In addition, they lost a baby girl at 4 months of gestation. They have a shrine to her in their front yard. K is pregnant again. They live about a 4-hour drive from us, and it has been very difficult getting to spend a little time with the grandchildren. There are often times -- especially after the birth of a new child -- when we don't see them for months and months.
They rarely come to our area. When they do, they stay in a hotel, but lately the family is getting so big that it's hard to find hotel space for them. We can only visit them when she invites us.
For example, we visited them last Christmas eve. The visit seemed to go very well, but then, several birthdays went by with no visits. She would talk about taking a trip up to our area, and then cancel. She would ask our availability for a particular weekend, and then cancel. We finally saw them again on Father's Day, a celebration combined with several birthdays that was held in the afternoon at her parents' house (they live a 10-minute drive away from our son & his family). We finally had the chance to give belated birthday presents to the 5 year old boy, the 17 year old boy, the 14 year old girl, and our 39-year old son. K said that they were too busy to have us to their house that night or the next day, so we left for home as soon as we got up the next morning (we stayed in a nearby motel.)
For years, I took her rejection personally, but after working with a counselor and reading books on narcissism and then BPD, I came to understand the dynamics of the relationship. I didn't cause the problems and I couldn't fix them. All I could change is my reaction to her behavior.
Currently they are having problems with their oldest son whom I'll refer to as "M."
M got in trouble with the law. He was caught speeding in a car borrowed from his friend. He lost his license for 6 months, which means they lost a driver who could help chauffeur the younger siblings around to their various activities. (K likes to keep the kids busy with sports, school activities, and church outings. It isn't unusual for two of them to be due at different destinations at the same time.) We were told that lately M and his mother have been having terrible screaming matches which sometimes get a bit physical (a push, a slap -- so far, no severe beatings on either part, thank God.) Things got so bad several months ago that he threatened suicide, at which point he was hospitalized for 4 days and then released, diagnosed with depression. CPS did an evaluation. They told her she had too many children. She pointed out that each child has a bed or mattress of his or her own. Apparently CPS was appeased and have left her alone since then.
Two days ago, we got a call from our son, asking if we could take M for a few days. They had gone on vacation, and as they were packing up to leave for home, M and his mother began shouting at each other. He pushed her against the car. She slapped him. He pulled a knife (it turned out to be a pen-knife, but it does have a quick release button). I guess my son interceded but his wife was very upset and did not want to take M home with them. She said she was afraid for herself and afraid for the other children. Her parents were out of state on their vacation, so I guess that is how we were elected to ride to the rescue.
To make a long story short, we drove part of the way and met them at a restaurant. After we all ate, his parents finally told M that he was going to come with us, not them. He was upset, citing his job, his friends, his girlfriend as reasons he needed to be at home. There was a prolonged discussion in the parking lot while all the sibs sat in the van with the doors and windows closed. (Yes, the AC was running.) Some of the "discussion" consisted of M and K shouting at each other, with lots of sentences starting with "You always... ." or "You never... ."
As his parents got into their van and shut the doors, he shouted tearfully, "You can't leave me... ."
My heart was breaking for this kid. He walked away across the parking lot, and my husband (GrandpaK) went after him. When they crossed the street, I drove over. GrandpaK told me to park the car and wait for them. He and M walked around in several parking lots of this shopping center for quite a while. Finally when they walked back near my car, I got out. GrandpaK told me to call his sister and tell her we would like to come over.
So we spent the rest of the evening at "Aunt Carol's" house. NOTE: Whenever K and family would come here for a visit, they never had time to go see our son's extended family. M had no memory of Aunt Carol, who last saw him when he was 6 months old.) The purpose of the side trip to Aunt Carol's was mostly to get M's mind off his situation, and it seemed to work. M seemed to enjoy talking to his uncle about all of his woodworking projects and seeing all the tools he uses. After a pleasant evening, we went home to our house, had some cookies, and went to bed.
We made no attempt to discuss the situation with M until the next morning. His side of the story was that he had been busily cleaning up half of the vacation rental house. When he carried some things out to the van, his mother jumped all over him, accusing him of not doing anything to help get ready to leave. He pointed out that he had no idea they were going to stay that late and that he had plans for the evening with friends. His mother got even angrier.
I suspect that in his mind, it was a case of self-defense. But of course escalating to physical is never an OK (or a very wise) thing to do. We talked about that and GrandpaK advised M to keep his hands in his pockets when talking to his mother. I went to the gym and GrandpaK and M did some yard work together. Then we went to lunch and met up with another of GrandpaK's sisters and with Granny, GrandpaK's 90-something mother.
M had been doing some texting with his parents and told us that afternoon that his mother was OK with him coming home. I texted my son to ask about it, and he asked to have GrandpaK phone him for a one-on-one conversation away from M. They talked that evening, and GrandpaK told me that they wanted to meet up at the town that is halfway to their house around 11 the next morning, which would give M enough time to report to work.
The next morning I noticed that K had sent a text the night before (after I had gone to bed). It was a copy of a conversation between her and M. The last thing her text said was "Waiting for an answer before we exchange." I asked M whether he had answered her. He replied that he had been texting her all morning but had heard nothing back from her.
I texted her at 9:06 "We are getting into the car now. What is our destination?" I figured that if whatever he answered her the night before was not OK she would speak up before we left. Having heard nothing, twenty minutes later I decided to send the same question to my son's phone, in case K's phone wasn't being monitored.
My son wrote back that we needed to have a call to discuss that or even if it was happening. He said that the last conversations they had with M he was still not agreeing to their terms and would not be allowed to return until he did. Then he said that he and GrandpaK had tentatively set it for 11 this morning if all went well, but it hasn't.
I told him that I had not seen her text until this morning and that M said he had been texting his mother all morning and heard nothing back.
Apparently the text went through just then. He wrote, "And what he just sent clearly shows that he has no intention of trying to change or willing to work within the rules." I read that to M and he said (verified by the message that his mother forwarded to me) that he had no problem with obeying the rules, curfew, etc. But he did have a problem with the punishment for the incident -- no driving for a week. He said that he had to get to work, had practice for a sport, and would like to go on a date with his girlfriend, since it is the last week of summer before his last year of school starts.
I asked GrandpaK whether his phone conversation the night before left the plans open, based on whether M agreed to some conditions. He responded that his understanding was that we were going to meet at 11. There didn't seem to be anything tentative about it. I never even had a chance to convey any of this to this to my son. A few minutes later he texted the name of a store to meet at.
When we got to the meeting place, we had a chat with my son, letting him know about the various things we talked about with M. I told him that I think that M and his mother needed to sit down and negotiate the punishment, but that they would need a referee. Both GrandpaK and I had told M that he and his mother need to learn to "fight fair." No physical stuff, no name calling, no accusations.
It's out of our hands now, but we can't help but worry.
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