Why are his parents unable to see the dysfunction?

[HopinAndPrayin]

I am having a lot of conflicting thoughts today.  I've decided to post and set it aside.  This week I am filing for divorce and am thinking through some of the pieces I will be grateful to be putting behind me.  One that I have never really been able to figure out is this question:

Why are others (especially the BPD's family) not able to see the BPD behaviors?  

Right now, I'm thinking through how my ex's family was more than willing to believe the stories when my stbxhBPD would paint me black, but not those when he would go back and tell them what had actually happened.  Righting the bull was part of my boundaries about staying in the relationship - you want to come back, you own up to everything you did by phone and email.  

They were also unable to believe that he was 1) an alcoholic, despite multiple doctors diagnosing him with a substance abuse disorder and even having him go to an IOP program, 2) BPD, despite having multiple psychiatrists diagnose him with the disorder, 3) abusive, despite our having called them after the police had to be called to the house because of his dysregulation and psychotic breaks, 4) psychotic, despite being prescribed antipsychotics and being told residential care and a conservatorship was appropriate.

Why is it they were so unable to see his BPD that there was anger and blaming me?  His dad went out of his way to say that it was the two of us together that were explosive.  Why not just ask him to get a note from his doctor with the diagnosis and if his doctor says he's just fine and healed, if they really believe that?  

Anyone have experience with this and figure it out?  My former FIL once called me a psychopathic liar and hung up on me when I was trying to get them to stage an intervention during one of my ex's early psychotic episodes.  Even when my ex then sent emails to his family detailing what had happened, what his diagnosis was, how important a support community is, asking them to be a part of it, and acknowledged the lies and smear campaign he did, how is it they still tried to isolate me, tell me I was crazy, and say that he is just fine?  Why does that happen?

Anyone with similar experiences?  :)id anyone ever come back and acknowledge that something was wrong?  

I ask because I ran into this at work too on a project over the last year.  I was dealing with an NPD duo who were trying to scapegoat me for their failures, but I had months of discussion with my boss raising the issues and forwarding him materials so he could validate, on top of documentation of both the bad behavior and later the retaliation.  There, I had a supportive network and they acknowledged they could see the dysfunction, discrimination, and retaliation and there was an intervention.  It was terribly cathartic.  Why does this not happen with BPD families?  (I suspect the answer is the nature versus nurture component of BPD.  If he had come from a healthy family and wasn't invalidated or severely abused when he was little, he would be less likely to have BPD.  By the very nature of his having it, it says the family was dysfunctional in some way.  Is blaming me for his being mentally ill an extension of invalidation of reality?  The other part I can kind of rationalize it with is the apparent competence and inhibited grieving my ex would express.  He would get fired from a job, get in the car and leave for the day everyday until his paycheck was supposed to come in, then say something funny had happened with his paycheck. He didn't get his time card in on time or his boss didn't approve it.  Only when I really pushed, because you know... .bills, did the truth come out that he had been fired 1-1.5 weeks before.)

Would love some broader perspective because I just don't get it.  How can their family miss the signs?

[valet]

I don't think that families miss the signs necessarily, but more so that they just don't connect them and integrate these issues into their belief of who their family member is. The thing is, most of the world believes that we should have a sense of unconditional love for our families, and this can blind us to the bad behaviors. It's also a possibility, or perhaps a certainty, that certain members of your partners family have mental health issues that need ironing out themselves.

And then again, there also might be no emotional intimacy between her and her family, meaning that the disorder never gets triggered in the first place at this point. Generally, the more that we get involved the more we see both good and bad. I know from experience that my own ex is of the high-functioning subclinical type. Her life outside of her closer friendships and relationships is fine, but when people get too close she can't handle it and everything is a wash.

Do you think that maybe this is the case with your pwBPD too?

[roberto516]

Valet makes great points. It's something I struggle with too. One of her new coworkers is friends with my boss and texted her one day saying "I love working with (insert my ex' name)! She's such a great person!" It makes me feel angry sometimes.

I think her family knows something is up. In the very beginning we had a mini breakup and she told her mom who said "What did you do this time?" So I'm guessing her mom sees that she isn't a perfect partner. Her mom also told her whenever she saw me walking the dog "You better treat him right." Which I guess shows her mom must have some insight into how she has treated past partners.

But they don't fool everyone. The coworkers still left at my job who worked with her, when I finally broke and told them what it was like said "yeah. I can see that being who she really is."

I guess the important thing is that we are true to ourselves. I always think what will happen at my funeral. Will people be able to go and say "He was such a kind caring person." and then be able to list specific things I did or said to prove that to be true. Sadly, for her, I don't think many people will be able to give actual specific situations where she was actually a kind, caring person. For me, that speaks volumes to my character and at the end of the day that is all that matters to me.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Great points, valet.  He keeps his entire family at arm's length.  They only care about how it looks.  We had talked through with his T about the ASPD and NPD traits / PDs in his family.  I temporarily forgot that.  So many of these posts are great for shaking repressed memories loose.  Roberto, your post reminded me of a conversation he had with his dad where his dad asked him why I would stay with him.  In another conversation his dad had said he always thought of my ex as someone with problems, but didn't think he was an alcoholic.  

Over time, I'm losing some of the memories until someone posts on a similar topic.  I find myself reading on the trying to save the relationship boards whenever I start doubting myself again and the stories of people in the throes of it and how we rationalize for ourselves brings me right back to that feeling.  I suppose in some ways it is our brain trying to protect / heal itself from trauma to allow us to forget, or perhaps it's the result of processing it.  Learn the lesson, lose the context?.

Thanks.  This was really helpful.  Back to the treadmill for me.  I'm working through some pre-divorce filing stress and last minute reflection in the gym.  Self-care for the win!

[Pretty Woman]

 You have to remember... .this is their immediate family member. In some cases they have enabled this person to continue to behave this way... .there is also the "birds of a feather" theory.  Keep in mind BPD is often the result of childhood trauma.

These individuals could very well be a part of that.

Dysfunction often breeds dysfunction. My own mom is BPD. She is the only mother I've known and her behavior can be less than desirable, abusive at times. Growing up, I thought this was the norm.  I knew no better. Same here. Many family members accept this as the norm. If you try to sway them otherwise you are the bad guy. It's not worth the effort.

My ex's family pretty much follows her lead. When she dumps someone they immediately unfriend and dump them.  They participate in the smear campaign. That hurt me after all the things I did for my ex, out of pure love, but I've learned to accept: their opinion of me is a warped one and it really doesn't effect who I am. They don't define me.

Many of us were attracted to our exes and stayed longer than we should have because we are broken. We are insecure and don't feel worthy.

The best gift this relationship gave me was self-esteem. The breakup was terrible but it made me turn inward and work on myself. Today, I wouldn't be attracted to my ex. This doesn't mean the hurt from her abandonment has gone away but I know in my heart I will never accept anyone treating me badly again.

[Skip]

His dad went out of his way to say that it was the two of us together that were explosive... // ... My former FIL once called me a psychopathic liar and hung up on me when I was trying to get them to stage an intervention during one of my ex's early psychotic episodes... // ... Why does that happen?

I ask because I ran into this at work too on a project over the last year.  I was dealing with an NPD duo who were trying to scapegoat me for their failures, but I had months of discussion with my boss raising the issues and forwarding him materials so he could validate, on top of documentation of both the bad behavior and later the retaliation.

Would love some broader perspective because I just don't get it.  How can their family miss the signs?

Broader perspective?

I think the hard question to at least entertain is are you reading the family right. From the little you have written, it could be that their view is that the "two of you together, are explosive" and that, given his issues (diagnoses), that you have traits that make matters worse. No matter how broken, naturally, parents will want the best for their children and want to see things improve.

Examples (generic examples). If a parent had a son with alcohol abuse issues, how would most parents feel about him having a partner who was a bartender who liked to drink? Or a partner that was shaming? Or a partner who was recruiting others (triangulating) to isolate their son? Or... .?  Or... .?  Or any relationship dynamic in which there son seemed to be devolving.

Why does this not happen with BPD families?  (I suspect the answer is the nature versus nurture component of BPD.  If he had come from a healthy family and wasn't invalidated or severely abused when he was little, he would be less likely to have BPD.  By the very nature of his having it, it says the family was dysfunctional in some way.  

Not necessarily. There are many cases of average families having a BPD child (remember, parents are often 20 something) where they didn't recognize that one child had special emotional needs and were unintentionally invalidating. A divorce or a death(s) can also be a driving factors.

[At work] I had a supportive network and they acknowledged they could see the dysfunction, discrimination, and retaliation [of co-workers] and there was an intervention.  It was terribly cathartic.  

What happened that was cathartic?

[SummerStorm]

A lot of it probably has to do with parents having unconditional love for their children.  My BPD friend's mom always says, "You can leave, but I have to stay." 

With some parents, I think they would see a personality disorder as a reflection of their parenting, regardless of whether it really is or not.  No parent wants to think, "If I had done this, this, or this differently, maybe he/she wouldn't be this way." 

My friend's mom and dad got divorced when she was very young.  My friend was molested by her mother's boyfriend when she was 15 and blames her mother for it.  Her mom has been married several times.  They moved around a lot.  And in just the past three years, her mom and stepdad have lived three different places, in two different states.  So, I would say there's definitely enough there to see why my friend has issues.

As someone else said, there's sometimes lot of enabling.  Her mom also enables her by not setting any boundaries and by constantly giving in to her.  When she was visiting her mom and stepdad in May, she called her mom stupid, treated her awfully, etc.  I asked her mom, "What did you say when she called you stupid?"  She replied, "Nothing."  A few weeks later, her mom paid for her to stay in NYC with her for the weekend.  She constantly loans her money and never makes her pay it back.  And when my friend breaks up with a guy, her mom always believes her story about how he was abusive.  My friend receives no discipline or consequences for her actions.  She just gets money, vacations, and sympathy. 

Her mom sees all kinds of awful things, but her response has always been, "She's just an uncaring person." It's frustrating.