Forgetting the past

[lostandconfused6]

I know ya'll are sick of seeing this topic from me  but it's the 1 huge black cloud following us around we make baby steps and everytime a new step is made i feel i need reassurance and advice on how to handle it.

Does anyone have any tips on forgetting the past or at least putting it in the way back of my mind?

I feel like i'm doing so well with it then something is mentioned that triggers memories about particular events then bam there it is front and center in my mind. My facial expression changes and my overall mood in general. I try to control it because i know my BPDbf feeds off of my emotions but sometimes i can't help it and he comes up with the same reaction "nothing i do matters i'm never going to live this down it will never get better i'm going to pay for this for the rest of my life" when it happened this weekend i just carried on making dinner and gave no reaction my first instinct was to say " if you want it to go away make the situation go away" but i didnt because i knew he would say "i'll just make it all go away i'm leaving"

I feel as if he doesn't have the right to make the comments he does because he chooses to keep this person in his life that has caused all the crap directly and indirectly. I have progressed leaps and bounds when it comes to keeping my smart A** comments to myself about it and not mentioning it in general. Things have seemingly gotten much better over the last few weeks but i worry he's telling me certain things because it's "what i want to hear" and to throw me off so in his eyes i dont have a reason to bring the stuff up and he's getting 1 over on me. He tells me to leave it in the past but to me it isn't the past it's recent... .We talked about him downplaying the things that have happened and what he has done and how it makes me feel like to him they were okay to do ( he has at times justified them and told me because of the way he thinks about it  that they weren't bad) and he said he will be more aware and sympathetic to it and we agreed to communicate more about it in a calm way to try to see both sides (that has been hit or miss as i try not to bring it up) Why can't he just see the simple solution of pushing the person out of his life? Is it because i want him to do it? is that a BPD trait? do i need to act like it doesn't bother me? i'm scared it will bite me in the ass... .or will it make him think?

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[Jessica84]

I know how you feel. Forgetting the past is do-able with time, hope, distraction, therapy. Hours turn into days, to weeks, to months, to years. Before you know it, the past is so far in the rearview mirror you feel silly painfully squinting to try to hold onto the view. BUT... .Keeping it from being remembered all over again without causing the same intensity of emotions - when you thought it was gone and buried forever - that's a tough one. I'd love to get to the point where a painful trigger hits, and ehhhh, I simply bat it away. Yeah, yeah. It happened, can't change it, let it go, move on.

Logically this should be easy, right? Maybe if they gave us enough time and breathing room in between the next future thing of the past we will have to figure out how to forget, it can be done.

But emotionally, when we're triggered, our brains operate a bit like theirs. At least mine does. Erratic, desperate, and hardwired to justify my current mood. That's when every historical hurt comes back to life. So let's never get triggered, right? Well, we can work on that. But we are not statues with pigeon crap all over our heads, feeling nothing. We are humans with BPD crap all over us. And it feels icky.

The problem is, they want us to get over it if they are. Or worse, they invent completely different facts so the problem never gets resolved, since it never happened in the first place! Hard to forget anything when we're staring right at it, wondering it it's real or we imagined it.


Sorry, I don't know your background. Who is this person you want him to get rid of? My observation is if they feel controlled or forced, they will do the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Like a rebellious teenager. I have learned not to openly or outwardly show too much care, even when I do. When a topic/person/things comes up I feel too strongly about, or know the obvious answer but know blurting it out will cause a war, I immediately pick up my phone to read my horoscope, browse thru emails, anything to momentarily tamp down my inner discomfort, then shrug it off. What I noticed is, the less I cared, the less he wanted to do whatever thing I didn't like. Magic! So if you want him to remove this person, control your reaction when he/she comes up. Let him come to his own conclusions about them. This has far more lasting power than anything you could say or do.

[bananas2]

This is the 3rd time I've started a reply on this post and I keep deleting and starting over bc I want to give some sort of advice/feedback, but this topic strikes such a chord in me that I'm not even sure what to say, but I feel I want to say something to try to help. Maybe just sharing my similar experience can give you some comfort.
Moving past my BPDh's indiscretions/behaviors is the single biggest issue that my BPDh & I have. We've even dedicated months of marriage counseling solely to this topic.

he comes up with the same reaction "nothing i do matters i'm never going to live this down it will never get better i'm going to pay for this for the rest of my life"

Same here. Heard this a million times. Bottom line for him is that he never wants to hear ever again about his "mistakes" even though I'm completely traumatized by them. He just wants to "move forward." Bottom line for me is that if we don't ever discuss them, then I can't heal & move forward.
What it ends up boiling down to for me is that I need to see and sense GENUINE remorse before I can forgive & forget. "Hey, I SAID I'm sorry. Let it go" doesn't feel so sincere to me.

Wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but since we are in the same boat, I'm just going to say that I feel your pain & you are not alone. Now I'm going to sit back on the big comfy bpdfamily couch with you and see what advice/feedback comes in. 

[lostandconfused6]

I know how you feel. Forgetting the past is do-able with time, hope, distraction, therapy. Hours turn into days, to weeks, to months, to years. Before you know it, the past is so far in the rearview mirror you feel silly painfully squinting to try to hold onto the view. BUT... .Keeping it from being remembered all over again without causing the same intensity of emotions - when you thought it was gone and buried forever - that's a tough one. I'd love to get to the point where a painful trigger hits, and ehhhh, I simply bat it away. Yeah, yeah. It happened, can't change it, let it go, move on.

Logically this should be easy, right? Maybe if they gave us enough time and breathing room in between the next future thing of the past we will have to figure out how to forget, it can be done.

But emotionally, when we're triggered, our brains operate a bit like theirs. At least mine does. Erratic, desperate, and hardwired to justify my current mood. That's when every historical hurt comes back to life. So let's never get triggered, right? Well, we can work on that. But we are not statues with pigeon crap all over our heads, feeling nothing. We are humans with BPD crap all over us. And it feels icky.

The problem is, they want us to get over it if they are. Or worse, they invent completely different facts so the problem never gets resolved, since it never happened in the first place! Hard to forget anything when we're staring right at it, wondering it it's real or we imagined it.


Sorry, I don't know your background. Who is this person you want him to get rid of? My observation is if they feel controlled or forced, they will do the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Like a rebellious teenager. I have learned not to openly or outwardly show too much care, even when I do. When a topic/person/things comes up I feel too strongly about, or know the obvious answer but know blurting it out will cause a war, I immediately pick up my phone to read my horoscope, browse thru emails, anything to momentarily tamp down my inner discomfort, then shrug it off. What I noticed is, the less I cared, the less he wanted to do whatever thing I didn't like. Magic! So if you want him to remove this person, control your reaction when he/she comes up. Let him come to his own conclusions about them. This has far more lasting power than anything you could say or do.

thank you for your response... .it's a female that he was "involved with" before me that he quickly realized was a mistake and he had no romantic feelings for her then i came along and he hadn't cut things off in the "right way" and they continued to converse over text he had never been in this situation and by his own admission and what i've witnessed he is not good at cutting people off or hurting them especially when he feels a sense of responsibility towards them (she was married when their involvement took place and i believe she holds her marriage ending over his head) ... .there have been many situations revolving around this person that have been less than favorable he has no kinds words about her to me or any of the other few people that knows he associates with her... .he feels sorry for her and doesn't see her as an issue because he knows he has no intentions with her so he doesnt understand why i can't just let it go.

Is it his BPD that won't allow him to cut people out or set honest real boundaries? ( he also has issues with doing this with his family members)

I get anxiety ( a side effect from my MS) about it and i just think the worst like is he hiding more from me regarding this girl? is there more of a reason he can't cut her out? it just sucks feeling like this

[lostandconfused6]

This is the 3rd time I've started a reply on this post and I keep deleting and starting over bc I want to give some sort of advice/feedback, but this topic strikes such a chord in me that I'm not even sure what to say, but I feel I want to say something to try to help. Maybe just sharing my similar experience can give you some comfort.
Moving past my BPDh's indiscretions/behaviors is the single biggest issue that my BPDh & I have. We've even dedicated months of marriage counseling solely to this topic.
Same here. Heard this a million times. Bottom line for him is that he never wants to hear ever again about his "mistakes" even though I'm completely traumatized by them. He just wants to "move forward." Bottom line for me is that if we don't ever discuss them, then I can't heal & move forward.
What it ends up boiling down to for me is that I need to see and sense GENUINE remorse before I can forgive & forget. "Hey, I SAID I'm sorry. Let it go" doesn't feel so sincere to me.

Wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but since we are in the same boat, I'm just going to say that I feel your pain & you are not alone. Now I'm going to sit back on the big comfy bpdfamily couch with you and see what advice/feedback comes in. 

I appreciate your response. It honestly makes me feel better to know this isn't unique to me (i'm sorry for saying that by no means am i glad either of us have to feel like this or be in this boat)

I just feel like if i let it go completely 1 of 2 things will happen he will think it's ok and just not deal with it or it will go away the 1st part of that is what im scared of. Since there have been so many lies in regards to this situation it's so hard for me to believe him now... .it just sucks! I told i feel like he shows no remorse but to him he is showing remorse then he says things like " i dont have to deal with this i can just walk away and forget it but i choose to stay" and idk how to take that... .its just so frustrating... .its like well you lied so much about it before why not just keep it going he says " i couldn't handle that kind of stress anymore"

It's just so stressful and i try my best to put it behind but until he looks at me and says "she's blocked and gone and i told her don't speak to me again" (and shows me proof of it) i just feel like i won't be able to completely let go anytime soon

[Jessica84]

lostandconfused6 - I'm sorry you are dealing with that. Yes, pwBPD can have attachment issues.

Try asking validating questions. Gently leading him to understand for himself why he can't let her go (not in those words!). If he gets defensive, validate, then drop it. Try again later.

I can sort of relate. My bf had an ex he kept in contact with too. Same thing - he "felt sorry for her", didn't like anything about her, and his family and friends hated her. BUT-- once a year, he went to dinner with her to 'catch up'. Then no contact rest of the year. We argued about it every time. He was adamant - "I don't throw people away!" I felt the same as you - what's he hiding? why is it so important to hang on to her? am I crazy to be bothered by this? Even though he called me on his way to/from these dinners, I still had anxiety.

So... last year... .as he complained for weeks dreading this annual 'date' with her, I stayed cool. I asked validating (non-accusatory) questions. After their dinner, he said she is a "miserable human being", a waste of his time, and he was done for good. He also didn't get the "payoff" of upsetting me for the first time, which in some sick sadistic way, I think he enjoyed. THIS year, he didn't call her. No dinner. I think she is finally history. Crying, begging and demanding didn't work. Removing the "payoff" and giving him time to question his own motives may have helped.

[lostandconfused6]

lostandconfused6 - I'm sorry you are dealing with that. Yes, pwBPD can have attachment issues.

Try asking validating questions. Gently leading him to understand for himself why he can't let her go (not in those words!). If he gets defensive, validate, then drop it. Try again later.

I can sort of relate. My bf had an ex he kept in contact with too. Same thing - he "felt sorry for her", didn't like anything about her, and his family and friends hated her. BUT-- once a year, he went to dinner with her to 'catch up'. Then no contact rest of the year. We argued about it every time. He was adamant - "I don't throw people away!" I felt the same as you - what's he hiding? why is it so important to hang on to her? am I crazy to be bothered by this? Even though he called me on his way to/from these dinners, I still had anxiety.

So... last year... .as he complained for weeks dreading this annual 'date' with her, I stayed cool. I asked validating (non-accusatory) questions. After their dinner, he said she is a "miserable human being", a waste of his time, and he was done for good. He also didn't get the "payoff" of upsetting me for the first time, which in some sick sadistic way, I think he enjoyed. THIS year, he didn't call her. No dinner. I think she is finally history. Crying, begging and demanding didn't work. Removing the "payoff" and giving him time to question his own motives may have helped.

I've asked him in a sincere way at a calm time to ask himself what good does she bring to his life? does her friendship bring any positive things to his life? What does she have that he can't be without? All his answers were the same nothing she does no good for him he feels bad for her basically because she's ugly worthless and stupid (which all of his exes were also which is why i'm worried) . Then he follows it with she's such a small part of my life i don't see why it mattrers to you stop letting it consume you. He says when he moves he's going ghost on her and never speaking to her again, so i ask why keep stringing her along just tell her now her friendship adds no value and has caused to much hurt and drama. He's only known of this girl for 2.5 years its not like they are life long friends. He said he doesnt want to give her the chance to beg and plead or guilt trip or make him 2nd guess his decision to cut her out of his life so when he is hours away from her he can do it more easily. I juts know if something hurt him or effected him or us in a negative way i would drop it in a heart beat. Then i've also dropped it thinking it was done and over with then bam something pops up and i find out he's still friends with her. He thought lying to me was saving a fight and my feelings because he knew it was nothing more than friends but didn't think i could understand or handle that. The lies are what makes it so hard for me to trust he's telling the truth now

this girl has also decided to make friends with his parents who my BPDbf is currently living with. which is a whole nother topic

He says he knows he's done wrong and didn't handle things the right way and he also said he's worried if he drops her that he's finally giving me everything i want and i will turn him into a door mat like all the girls before me did when he just gave them everything. he said he's trying to change his way of thinking because he knows i'm different but it's hard. Like i said before it's just frustrating and i feel like it's a catch 22 most of my friends tell me to just leave him and be done but i know that's not the answer i'm just trying my best to keep my cool and not mention it as much but it's so hard.

[Jessica84]

Interesting. It sounds like he's ready to let her go, but holding on for 2 reasons:

1) He doesn't want to "give in" to you - doesn't want to be your "door mat".
He needs to maintain control. Power struggle. Good news there is you have some control! Let go and let him cut the ties himself, in his own time. This gives you the freedom to put down the scissors and wait for him to pick them up! Be patient.

2) He is dealing with some shame and guilt related to her ("he knows he's done wrong... .".
People do all sorts of irrational things to alleviate guilt. With BPD, its amplified. Show support if he shares any of these emotions with you. "I know you feel bad about how things ended. I'm sorry. I hate to see you beat yourself up like this... ."

I know you would never do this to him. I'm the same way. It sucks. It's unfair. Unfortunately, these relationships will never be fair.

[lostandconfused6]

Interesting. It sounds like he's ready to let her go, but holding on for 2 reasons:

1) He doesn't want to "give in" to you - doesn't want to be your "door mat".
He needs to maintain control. Power struggle. Good news there is you have some control! Let go and let him cut the ties himself, in his own time. This gives you the freedom to put down the scissors and wait for him to pick them up! Be patient.

2) He is dealing with some shame and guilt related to her ("he knows he's done wrong... .".
People do all sorts of irrational things to alleviate guilt. With BPD, its amplified. Show support if he shares any of these emotions with you. "I know you feel bad about how things ended. I'm sorry. I hate to see you beat yourself up like this... ."

I know you would never do this to him. I'm the same way. It sucks. It's unfair. Unfortunately, these relationships will never be fair.

I think that's the best way anyone has ever put it! i'm so thankful for this board and members like you it's so much better to hear advice from people that deal with BPD partners and also have similar situations or stories! thank you so much

[lostandconfused6]

Also the shame and guilt part are def true he was never a guy to sleep around with girls he wasnt in a relationship with and he allowed it to happen 1 time with her and the fact that she was married made him feel more disgusted with himself he tried to force himself to have feelings for her after this (before i came along) and couldn't do it and her actions since then have proved she's on the loose side... .he said he wishes he cared or that effected him more but since he only looks at her as a friend he doesn't care.

[Jessica84]

He can't force himself to care about her. But sounds like he is trying to make himself so he can avoid hurting her and dealing with his own guilt.  pwBPD experience shame intensely and will do almost anything to avoid it. But keeping her around is actually counter-productive here. She is a constant reminder of his mistake - keeping him in this shame cycle with collateral damage - your anxiety and her being strung along. Not a good situation for anyone involved. But you can't really go there without adding further to his shame. So... .where does this leave you?

Validation is helpful, but sometimes the Truth in SET can be hard to hear. Are there ways you can soften it? or make him feel good about it?

If I were talking to a non-BPD, I'd say straight up: Look, you made a mistake. It happens. But now you're hurting her, you're hurting me, you're hurting our r/s, and you're hurting yourself. Stop it!    But we gotta run everything thru a BPD filter so... .

Maybe if you say that letting her go would be an act of kindness... .giving her a chance to move on and be happy? That might alleviate some guilt. Would he be receptive or defensive? You know him best.

[lostandconfused6]

He can't force himself to care about her. But sounds like he is trying to make himself so he can avoid hurting her and dealing with his own guilt.  pwBPD experience shame intensely and will do almost anything to avoid it. But keeping her around is actually counter-productive here. She is a constant reminder of his mistake - keeping him in this shame cycle with collateral damage - your anxiety and her being strung along. Not a good situation for anyone involved. But you can't really go there without adding further to his shame. So... .where does this leave you?

Validation is helpful, but sometimes the Truth in SET can be hard to hear. Are there ways you can soften it? or make him feel good about it?

If I were talking to a non-BPD, I'd say straight up: Look, you made a mistake. It happens. But now you're hurting her, you're hurting me, you're hurting our r/s, and you're hurting yourself. Stop it!    But we gotta run everything thru a BPD filter so... .

Maybe if you say that letting her go would be an act of kindness... .giving her a chance to move on and be happy? That might alleviate some guilt. Would he be receptive or defensive? You know him best.

I have said something very similar to that and he seems to agree with it then he says she knows we are just friends she can do whatever she wants i dont care. I usually reply with but holding on to her you may be unknowingly preventing this because she still is holding on to that little bit of hope that you will want to be with her. I have also told him just because she says she knows that they will never be more than friends doesn't mean that it's really the way she thinks and in her mind him keeping her around in any capacity is leading her on and in her mind she thinks there is a chance. Someone that knows her has told me she has made comments about how beautiful and successful i am (im 30 have 2 degrees and run a multi million dollar company and raise my 9 year old all of this on top of having a stroke in jan and being diagnosed with MS) and how she knows there has to be a reason he keeps her around. To put it nicely she is very unfortunate when it comes to looks, brains, personality, and just everything in general. my BPDbf agrees with this then usually follows it up by saying something like you know how terrible she is so why are you so insecure... .the short answer because he's made me that way, which i wouldn't dare say to him anymore it got me no where.

It's just a mess i've set a boundary he is not to text call or interact with her while he is in my presence since they are just friends going days and weeks without communication is not a bad thing and may actually help her to give up and remove herself