Feeling Emotionally Exhausted from uBPDxh

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Just feeling the need to vent a bit. I feel I have no anger left. I'm feeling emotionally exhausted.

I divorced my ex after twenty years because of his emotional abuse. I woke up and couldn't / wouldn't take it any more. We tried marriage counseling (several counselors) but it didn't help. His behavior just got worse and he blamed me more and more for pretty much everything that went wrong. I felt damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I also realized I was co-dependent and am working on changing that. I'm no longer a doormat.

When I tried to open up to him about how I felt and how bad my past before him was - which partly contributed to the failure of our marriage, he ended up trying to use it against me in divorce court to try to prove I was an unfit mother.  He even brought up one thing I did when I was a teenager. Thankfully it didn't work. It's a long complicated story.

I have documented proof that he's tried to alienate the kids against me yet he claims I'm the one doing it (he has no proof). While I'm not perfect, I try really hard to not say anything bad about him to the kids. The times when I slip up, I apologize and say that I shouldn't have said that. He brings up stuff from my past, I tried to clarify something and he then tells me to stop bringing up the past. I probably could write a book about his hypocrisy and double standards alone.

Lately he's been coming across as very self-righteous and condescending in messages to me. He even states that he is morally superior to me and a far better person than I am. It seems he throws in a dig at me whenever he can. He calls me vulgar names in writing and then the next day apologizes including that he's still a better person. When he needs something, he's super nice and civil. The moment I either disagree with him (very politely) or say no to his request (again very politely), it seems he goes into a rage - sometimes for days. Some days seemingly out of the blue, he'll make very personal attacks towards me and then the next day he'll ask for a truce (it never lasts long). It seems like a never ending cycle. I am working hard at going gray rock and using BIFF when necessary as well as setting and enforcing my own personal boundaries. If it's not about the kids, I write back that I'm not responding to anything that isn't about the kids.

He'll flat out lie to me about why he needs something. When politely confronted about it, he gets angry (of course) and tries to make it my fault somehow. I've lost count of all the times he claims "everyone" knows what a horrible person I am, that all of the therapists say I'm mentally ill (umm... I have PTSD, have a history of depression, and am in trauma therapy), that I'm abusive and he's a saint, that he'll send the therapists' notes to my own mother to prove I'm a horrible person, etc.

He tries to act like a therapist - telling me exactly what is wrong with me and why (he's wrong 99% of the time). He claims time and time again that I don't have PTSD and that I made up my entire past history. I never asked for his opinion and I tell him exactly that.

He'll make all kinds of claims that he knows exactly what happened at a specific event and even why it happened but he wasn't there - I was. He'll bring it up again and again regardless if I say anything or not. He'll repeatedly bring up horrible stuff from my past that he wasn't a part of and claim he knows exactly what happened and why (he's wrong 99% of the time). I usually just ignore it. Sometimes it triggers me and I'm working on that. I know he's trying to get emotional reactions from me - probably as a narcissistic supply or something along those lines.

He'll ask me about something already having something in mind as the answer. So when I respond, he'll say I'm lying. For example, he would ask (while we were still married, I kid you not) "Why did you get a coffee without telling me?" I would respond with "because I was on my way to work and a coffee sounded good. I had some cash and didn't think it was a big deal." Supposedly, he saw me at the coffee shop. Then I would get a lecture from him that I should have told him beforehand that I was getting coffee and that I did it to keep things from him and that I was hiding something and I'm lying about it. Seriously? It's COFFEE! He did this with pretty much everything. If I went out for a walk during work and he saw I wasn't at work (via an app on my cell phone), I would catch hell from him about it. Yep. Talk about controlling and whatever else.

This all seems like one of those balls you bounce really hard and you have no idea where it's going. You try to stay out of its way because you don't want to get hit by it. 

I know most of the psychological terms for a lot of this stuff - projection, gaslighting, history rewriting, toxic shaming, invalidation, devaluation, etc... I know I have my own issues to work on. I know I'm not crazy. I know he has a lot of BPD and narcissistic traits. I'm sure I have some traits as well, I think we all do to some point. I know I'm his favorite scapegoat. I know he will probably never change and he will probably never stop attacking me. Overall I'm pretty sure he's angry, hurt, unhappy and upset that I'm trying to move on with my life and he seems unable to for whatever reason. I think he wants me to be miserable and to punish me for leaving him and will not stop until he makes me as miserable as he is (or more).

I just wish he would stop. I am so sick and tired of it all. It seems he's stuck in the past and keeps trying to drag me back. I refuse. I am not his therapist. I am moving on with my life. I keep hoping that with gray rock and BIFF, one day in the near future he'll get the message and finally leave me alone. Then there's the part of me that feels this will never happen. That I'll just have to find a way to accept that so I can move on. It's not easy. None of it is.

[once removed]

hi I_Am_The_Fire,

if im reading correctly, it sounds like your boundary and your goal is to not have any discussion that does not involve the kids, do i have that right?

It seems like a never ending cycle. I am working hard at going gray rock and using BIFF when necessary as well as setting and enforcing my own personal boundaries. If it's not about the kids, I write back that I'm not responding to anything that isn't about the kids.

you have already sent that message. thing is, neither of you are really heeding it. if you simply dont respond to anything that isnt about the kids, you are enforcing your own personal boundaries, and probably, he will start to get the message, and you can ignore it when he doesnt.

He'll flat out lie to me about why he needs something. When politely confronted about it, he gets angry (of course) and tries to make it my fault somehow.

same thing. politely confronting him about lies or defending yourself is not enforcing your personal boundary, its telling him you will discuss things outside of the kids. dont have those conversations, its charlie brown trying to kick the football 

He'll make all kinds of claims that he knows exactly what happened at a specific event and even why it happened but he wasn't there - I was. He'll bring it up again and again regardless if I say anything or not. He'll repeatedly bring up horrible stuff from my past that he wasn't a part of and claim he knows exactly what happened and why (he's wrong 99% of the time). I usually just ignore it. Sometimes it triggers me and I'm working on that. I know he's trying to get emotional reactions from me - probably as a narcissistic supply or something along those lines.

not about the kids. remember, it takes two participants to have an argument.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey IATF, How recently were you divorced?  As once removed notes, presumably you are interested in going LC -- low contact, relating mostly to the kids, right?  If so, I am uncertain why you continue to engage w/your BPDxH in pointless arguments and discussions that seemingly just add fuel to the fire.  You might want to read up on Boundaries under the Tools button, above.  Now that you are divorced, maybe you could "let go" of the outcome in these conversations.  Or better yet, maybe you could decline to participate in these conversations?  It's up to you.

LuckyJim

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thanks for replying. I understand what you're both saying. I agree that I do need to work on my boundaries. We've been divorced for a year now. I am trying to go low contact as much as I can.

To clarify, when he asked for something he said he needed, it was in reference to the kids. I politely told him where he could find that information himself. I am not his secretary nor am I the one and only source of information. He then went ballistic about how uncooperative I am and so on which I ignored.

I've realized the stuff he writes about that has nothing to do with the kids does tend to trigger me and I work hard at not responding unless I feel it's absolutely necessary. Most of the time it is not necessary and I don't respond or I respond with "this isn't about the kids... .". There have been occasions when I have slipped up and then realized I shouldn't have responded. It's a learning experience. I have some close friends that are helping me figure out when to respond and when to not respond. It'll probably take me more time to get better at it.  

We are using one of those web sites whose transcripts can be used in court. Some of the stuff he brings up are some serious allegations against me that I feel I need to clarify in case we do end up back in court. For example, he claims I was drunk one day when I had the kids. For one thing, he was not there. Another thing, I was not drunk. I had a bottle of alcohol in the garage but I had not been drinking it. I got sick from overexerting myself and not getting very much sleep. I called one of my friends to come over and help with the kids. At that point, we were separated but not yet divorced. He was the last person I wanted to see that day so I called one of my friends to help with the kids when I realized how sick I was. When he found out (my oldest texted him), he got really angry and came over to the house. I refused to let him inside the house because he was pounding on the door demanding I let him in. I got scared so I called the police. He broke the door in when I was still on the phone with the police. He then left. He keeps bringing up that day claiming I was drunk. With him, if I say nothing and just ignore his allegations he then says it must be true if I don't deny it. Things like this make it really hard to just ignore him.

This is just one example. He's come up with many others. None of it can be proven one way or the other. It's just his word against mine. The picture he's trying to paint of me is just horrible. Most of what he claims is not true at all, some are twisted half truths, and some were from 30 years ago. Some times I worry that somehow the judge will believe him that I'm a horrible person and horrible mother even without proof and I'll lose my kids. I have to remind myself that he has to have proof before they'd do something like that. It's really hard to not defend myself, especially with someone who says it must be true of you're not denying it. He often threatens to take me back to court. I tell myself he's bluffing and it's just empty threats. Doesn't make it any easier.

Then there are the times when one day he'll flat out call me a "wh**e" and then the next day he'll be all nice and polite. That doesn't help any either.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I'm going back to very low contact with my ex. I have a wonderful close friend whom I trust with my life who volunteered to read the messages from him and will let me know if there is anything important in there. If there is he'll help me word a very gray rock response and will send it so I won't have to look at anything he says.

Now I just need to work on getting through the school events when he's there. So far my anxiety is almost non-existent when I see him anymore. I call that good progress! I can't say the same for him. When he seems me, he immediately walks (more like storms) out of the classroom. He also deliberately turns his back on me if he isn't able to leave the room. It's interesting in a way. I'm happy to say it doesn't bother me actually. I just find it very interesting that he does this. Oh well. It's not my problem. It's his.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey IATF, I like what you're saying.  That's great that you have a close friend who can screen his messages.  I did the exact same thing by forwarding my Ex's messages to my sister, who let me know if I needed to reply.  It gets the messages off your plate and into a more objective realm of a third person.

Also like that you are just observing your Ex's behavior, without the need to react when he storms out of the classroom.  You are exactly right: it's his problem, not yours.

Keep up the good work!
LJ

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you! :-)