She is angry with me, what can I do?

[Delpher]

Good evening,

For those who would like to know my story, it is here : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311359.0

To summarize the current situation, my exBPD left on 23 June under rather harsh circumstances after a one year relationship. I had some contact with her family (mother and half sister only) to explain the situation to them because they knew she had a problem but not what exactly.

At the moment, I find myself with all these things and animals. She blocked me from fb a few days after her departure and had only a brief call that I had promised her that I would spend a month after (July 23) which was quite strange. I did not understand why she was not contacting for her business or taking news of her pets and a friend in common was talking to her to find out more when she saw she said she was "in couple" on fb She said on the 21st of July thing I did not know).

Verdict: Actually, she is angry with me because I told her family that she had a problem. I do not know how they talked to her, or if they told her it came from me. At the time, during a crisis, I had already spoken to her alone. She had taken it badly, but still remained and, a few months later during a visit it is a doctor, he advised her to go to see for a therapy because they had seen that she did not, Did not look good and that she took a sleeping pill sometimes that is not what is given to anyone.

I find myself in the fact that she is angry with me, I imagine she never wants to talk to me again because of all this. She told my friend to be suspicious of me, that I was a manipulator, that I tell everyone about her state of health (which is false, I reassure you) and that I said she was schizophrenic.

Anyway, I do not know what to do to fix it. I think the best thing would be to wait for her anger to pass, but I'm afraid her anger will never diminish and she will never come back ... .What would you advise to get out of this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Meili]

I think that you are correct, the only thing that you can do is wait for her anger to go and for her to return to a state of emotionally neutral.

It doesn't have to be wasted time however. You can use the time to work on yourself and start to make changes that will ultimately make you healthier and more attractive.

In your other thread, you said that you've been reading the tools. That's a great place to start! It is only one piece of the puzzle though. You have to take care of yourself during all of this. What are you doing on that front?

[Delpher]

For now, as I said on the other post, I will soon resume work and start passing my driver's license. This will occupy me and will avoid me thinking about all this while continuing some activities and working on methods of communication.

I think it's better for me to do nothing for the moment, besides sending a short message for his birthday Saturday but I wonder if after all this is what I should contact it myself After a certain period of time (one month, or two, or more) or really wait until she even takes the first step to re-establish contact in a healthier setting?

I understand that she is angry after me, but this is normal that she does not ask for any news of her animals or do not try to recover her stuff Nevertheless ?

[Meili]

Please forgive me, but I do not recall, has she asked you not to contact her? If she has requested that, then do not contact her. If she hasn't then limited contact is an option. You do not want to fuel her anger.

There really is no normal when it comes to pwBPD. BPD is a spectrum disorder and thus it affects each individual differently depending on where that person falls on the spectrum.

Contacting you may be too painful for her to deal with right now, but we'll never know her reasoning for not asking about the pets etc. It's impossible to know what goes on in the mind of another, and a waste of time and energy to try to do so.

[Delpher]

The reasons for her departure was that she wanted to step back, felt oppressed, blow, mourn her ex because our relationship was quite fast and regain some freedom and that it would take a little Of time. I told her that I understood all this and that I would wait for the time it takes without putting pressure on her.

So I know I could contact her to talk, but that would mean that I no longer respect her choice to be quiet, however the question I ask is that if I should contact her if it lasts really too long without New on its part.

[Meili]

There's a huge difference between "oppressive contact" and light contact. If contact is not forbidden, then saying hello and giving a pet update may not be a bad thing. But, you'd want to keep it very short, friendly (but not intimately friendly), and light-hearted. There should be absolutely zero relationship talk unless she initiates it. Even then, it should be a lot of listening and validating the valid. If you aren't strong enough to stay within those parameters or the possibility of rejection, then it's not a good idea to contact.

If you decide to contact, in addition to the things already mentioned, follow her lead. If you find yourself starting to bring up a subject other than the one that you contacted about, it's time to end the communication. Save the other thing for another day.

Make sense?

[Delpher]

That makes sense, but knowing she thinks I'm a "manipulator" and that she is angry with me, is it would not be risky to give her news of her animals and could it take badly ?

Basically, I thought above all to send him a short message for his birthday (a simple "hi, I wish you a happy birthday My name" and either:

1) Wait until she recontacts me one day
2) still put a limit for me to call it (end of September for example, it will be 3 months since his departure) in order to clear up and defend me using the method SET

What would be the best choice? Solution 2 seems good to me, the problem is in relation to her business, many of which are sentimentally important to her and I do not understand, whereas she knows I have not thrown them and kept them as I promised her , Why she still has not recovered them ... .

[Meili]

We don't know her, only you do, so your guess about how and when will be best t contact her is better than ours.

Having a plan is good though.

Who knows why she isn't worried about those things? All that we could do is guess and one guess is as good as another. I always tried to look at things in the best light. She knows her stuff is safe with you, she needs some time to cool down and come back to neutral, so there's no need to deal with those things right now.

[Delpher]

Hello everyone, here is the latest news.

Finally, the plan to send her an SMS yesterday and call her today to find out more did not happen because ... .She came home on Friday without warning while my mother was present.

To summarize, she took some of her business, especially her important papers. I tried to talk with her but was very reproachful, that it was my fault if her story with her ex was screwed up, that I am a manipulator, that I constantly spied on her when she was here, etc. It was very dry all along. At one point my mother took him aside to tell her what she thought by letting her know that our story was not about her but that she was acting very egoistically and without respect for me or What I could endure during the time when it disappeared. Eventually, she left, but she came back 5 minutes later to tell me that if she wanted to discuss this, come to the station the next day.

I went to this appointment, she was still angry but less than the day before. She apologized for her behavior, explained how she thought I was emotionally blackmailing her, which was a misunderstanding in the end. We talked for almost an hour, putting things straight and acknowledging her mistakes on many things and apologizing very much, the only complaint she made was the story that I was constantly spying on her (Which is false, I apologized but made him understand that I know the wrongs I was able to do and those that I have never done and that to justify me would be of no use). The atmosphere subsided as I told her that for her pets she will be able to retrieve them when she wishes only when she has her own apartment. In the end, she asked me to promise her Take care of me because she still holds much to me, she does not want the contact to be broken between us but it will take time for her anger to dissipate.

I helped her take her things on the station platform, she agreed to make a hug and before she got on the train, told me not to hesitate to send her sms, She would always answer. 5 minutes later, I received a message from her saying  "Thank you very much, it did me good to talk to you, I wish you a good weekend. Thank you for everything you did for me"

I think that she has understood a lot of things, that she has to take charge and that is very good news. The fact that she is leaving but on a good understanding is already a lot for me but I wonder now if she will realize one day if what she invented will disappear one day and if she will come back to me ... .What do you think ?