Hello

[GuiltyDaughter]

Hi, I just joined.  I have an undiagnosed BPD mother.  I have been mostly able to deal and keep some boundaries, but she was diagnosed with cancer last year and it all went out the window.  I live 900 miles away, but I have been her primary caregiver.  I have flown out for treatments, spent 10 days after her surgery, have cooked and frozen meals, led a family/friends email chain to keep everyone in the loop, and raised over 10k for her on a web fundraising site.  She is done treatment in 2 weeks, but she is also losing her health insurance. She doesn't want to do anything for herself and I am burnt out.  She wants to live with me, and she wants my brother and I to pay for her to have obamacare.  I just cant.  I had a meltdown 2 weeks ago and have since started therapy and I am still so raw and so tired.  How to I recreate boundaries and how my mother I care?  She sees the boundaries as abandonment.  And she is sick.  How do I do things for myself when she views it as me not caring about her while she is in need? 

I don't know what the answers are, but I know I have to put myself as a priority again.  I just don't know how to do without feeling like an ass.

[Kwamina]

Hi GuiltyDaughter

You have had a lot on your plate and I can understand how that can really leave you feeling drained. I am sorry your mother also had this serious physical illness on top of her BPD, I can imagine how hard this could also have been for you seeing your mother so sick.

Guilt definitely is something many of our members have struggled with and many still do. One thing that might help you is to consider these words of Pete Walker:
"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”. "

Do you perhaps feel this applies to you? Do you perhaps feel that underneath your guilt might lie fear and if you do, what do you think you are afraid of?

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