What do you do to avoid being pulled after being pushed?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband is not diagnosed as BPD, but exhibits many traits.  We have been through countless push/pull cycles.  I have willingly participated (not that I have enjoyed it, but through my choices to stay in the marriage) in years of these cycles, but am now trying to break free from this destructive pattern.  I will explain some about what  I am currently going through and would like to hear from you who have experienced similar circumstances and how you dealt (or are dealing) with this.

After a horrendous vacation last year, I decided to take a vacation with my daughter and son-in-law and grandchild without my husband.  He didn't want to go with us, much to everyone 's relief.  He stayed home and was supportive, taking care of our dog and seeing my elderly mom.  I was a little leery of his help because it nearly always comes at a price.

Well we live an hour away from the airport and he took me and dropped me off.  But the morning I was to return, he was supposed to pick all of us up at the airport, told me by phone that we should just take Uber.  Declaring that I was cheap and selfish to expect him to pick us up.  I reminded him that he had promised to pick us up and we were depending on that.  He was very angry that I insisted he follow through.

Well, he picked us up, didn't speak to me.  I picked up my own huge suitcase and loaded it,  no problem, but rude of him.  He drove like a maniac on the way home with daughter and family in car, too.  I will not make that mistake ever again.

When we arrived home he blocked me from going in our bedroom and said from now on it was his room and I was to stay upstairs.  I keep an extra set of things upstairs because he has kicked me out of the bedroom before.  No, I cannot argue with him because he always gets louder and meaner than I am able.

So for a month, we have basically been roommates.  Doing most things separately.  I am actually happy with this.  I have begun to clean out my Mom's home, she is no longer able to live there.  She requires 24 hour nursing care.  I have been planning move there, we had discussed selling our house and moving there together until I retire or as long as Mom is alive.  I am her power of attorney and see to her needs... .visiting her daily, doing her laundry, etc.  but now I think I should move there on my own.

So a month of being upstairs, happily, I will add, he has suddenly decided that he doesn't want a divorce.  We have both said it is over and want a divorce.  He has said that he can never forgive me for what amounts to not giving him a retirement party, ruining his vacation last year,  I have posted about this before, so I won't go into it here.  Also during this month, he has called me names, which I have boundaries against, so he is not getting the hysterical reaction from me that he has in the past.  He has said some truly awful things to me, almost daily for a month, and now he has gotten in a different mood and is wanting to makeup.

One troubling aspect is that when he changes his mood, he expects to basically say hey let's makeup and magically go back to a good place in the relationship. When I don't give in, he starts saying his life is over, I didn't appreciate him, etc., etc.  I know this is typical, but still astounding.

Yesterday, he says he feels as if he has ruined everything and he doesn't want to be alone, etc.  We have been married a long time, and I believe in keeping vows.  In the past, I have just gone back to behaving as everything is normal, but I am too far down the road for it now.  We are working (slowly) on getting this house ready to sell.  He is speaking as if everything is back to normal and he is planning to move with me.  In the past, I have made quick decisions in reaction to the push and pull.  But, I really want to make good, steady decisions and not just react to his changing choices.

I have such a hard time standing up for myself with him and worry that I will be stuck in this endless loop until death do us part.

How do you stay in your own business and not given in to these passing emotional pleas from pwBPD?

[Mustbeabetterway]

My husband is not diagnosed as BPD, but exhibits many traits.  We have been through countless push/pull cycles.  I have willingly participated (not that I have enjoyed it, but through my choices to stay in the marriage) in years of these cycles, but am now trying to break free from this destructive pattern.  I will explain some about what  I am currently going through and would like to hear from you who have experienced similar circumstances and how you dealt (or are dealing) with this.

After a horrendous vacation last year, I decided to take a vacation with my daughter and son-in-law and grandchild without my husband.  He didn't want to go with us, much to everyone 's relief.  He stayed home and was supportive, taking care of our dog and seeing my elderly mom.  I was a little leery of his help because it nearly always comes at a price.

Well we live an hour away from the airport and he took me and dropped me off.  But the morning I was to return, he was supposed to pick all of us up at the airport, told me by phone that we should just take Uber.  Declaring that I was cheap and selfish to expect him to pick us up.  I reminded him that he had promised to pick us up and we were depending on that.  He was very angry that I insisted he follow through.

Well, he picked us up, didn't speak to me.  I picked up my own huge suitcase and loaded it,  no problem, but rude of him.  He drove like a maniac on the way home with daughter and family in car, too.  I will not make that mistake ever again.

When we arrived home he blocked me from going in our bedroom and said from now on it was his room and I was to stay upstairs.  I keep an extra set of things upstairs because he has kicked me out of the bedroom before.  No, I cannot argue with him because he always gets louder and meaner than I am able.

So for a month, we have basically been roommates.  Doing most things separately.  I am actually happy with this.  I have begun to clean out my Mom's home, she is no longer able to live there.  She requires 24 hour nursing care.  I have been planning move there, we had discussed selling our house and moving there together until I retire or as long as Mom is alive.  I am her power of attorney and see to her needs... .visiting her daily, doing her laundry, etc.  but now I think I should move there on my own.

So a month of being upstairs, happily, I will add, he has suddenly decided that he doesn't want a divorce.  We have both said it is over and want a divorce.  He has said that he can never forgive me for what amounts to not giving him a retirement party, ruining his vacation last year,  I have posted about this before, so I won't go into it here.  Also during this month, he has called me names, which I have boundaries against, so he is not getting the hysterical reaction from me that he has in the past.  He has said some truly awful things to me, almost daily for a month, and now he has gotten in a different mood and is wanting to makeup.

One troubling aspect is that when he changes his mood, he expects to basically say hey let's makeup and magically go back to a good place in the relationship. When I don't give in, he starts saying his life is over, I didn't appreciate him, etc., etc.  I know this is typical, but still astounding.

Yesterday, he says he feels as if he has ruined everything and he doesn't want to be alone, etc.  We have been married a long time, and I believe in keeping vows.  In the past, I have just gone back to behaving as everything is normal, but I am too far down the road for it now.  We are working (slowly) on getting this house ready to sell.  He is speaking as if everything is back to normal and he is planning to move with me.  In the past, I have made quick decisions in reaction to the push and pull.  But, I really want to make good, steady decisions and not just react to his changing choices.

I have such a hard time standing up for myself with him and worry that I will be stuck in this endless loop until death do us part.

How do you stay in your own business and not given in to these passing emotional pleas from pwBPD?

[formflier]

Push pull used to be massively bad in my r/s. 

What helped me was to visualize which way they were going and "go with them"... .but only "half as much".

The goal when "managing" push pull is to help them return to center... .vice push them further towards whatever direction they are going.  This can be difficult when they are "pulling"... .because many of us "nons" want to go back to the good times.

I try to "rate" whatever signal my wife is giving me. 

Let's say she calls me a horrible name and claims she wants a divorce (ummm... yep... .push signal).  I rate that a 6 on a 1 to 10 scale.  I try to think about a "push response" that would rate as a three. (cutting her signal in half)

Perhaps I say "I'm speechless about the language and threats that are between us.  I'm going for a walk... .alone." 

See how I "signaled" that I didn't want her... .but it wasn't quite as severe.

This seems to come across as "validating" their need to push.  It also accomplishes boundaries... .I mean who wants to be around someone giving a 6 for a push signal.

Same thing for pull.  Go with it... .but only by half. 

"Oh baby I love you... .your muscles are so big... .wrap me up with those big FF guns of yours and and let me stroke your mustache... .your big virile beast" (      Um... .is that a pull signal or FF fantasy... .not sure)

I would say

"Get over here and snuggle with me on the couch... "

See how that's a "pull"... .but less than she was giving... .which... .by the way is a common reaction to... .well... you know... .me.

Anyway... .that's what I generally try to do, when I have the energy to do so.

If you've had a bad day or need rest... .let him send signals all day long, let him know you will have time tomorrow to listen.

Take care of yourself first!

FF

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi FF,

So you get that response a lot, huh? Lol

That makes sense to respond with something more toward the middle.  I had never thought about it that way.  Not responding in kind,  but with a more measured reaction is preferable to going all the way to each extreme. 

Thanks for sharing your technique!

Mustbe

[formflier]

Use the theory... .then use trial and error to find what works in your r/s.

Remember... .don't be shocked when the run to the extreme.  Stay chill and friendly.

FF