Success stories after NC for a substantial amount of time

[kim2017]

I'm just wondering if any of you who have shared success stories have had situations where you were in NC for a substantial amount of time and subsequently reconciled.

My exBPD of 2 years accused me of cheating and some other really absurd things. He's been gone, no contact for 8 months. He accused me of having NPD and that my love for him was "fake."  Until we broke up and he "disappeared" I had never heard of personality disorders, NPD, BPD. He used to tell me I don't validate him and I had no idea what that meant.  I tried but failed miserably - sometimes my attempts would take hours and all it did was lead to more frustration for him Bec I wasn't saying the right things.

He's painted be black - and if there exists a color darker than Black, he has painted me that. I am certain we had a deep love for each other. I am certain he was the love of his life and I was his. We had the most beautiful relationship.

Had I known today what I know now, I think our relationship would have lasted longer. I am working on myself as well. I am just wondering if once they paint you black, any of them remember the love they shared and come back for a second chance.

I am not waiting. I'm moving on - not by dating others but by taking care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and working on my kids/career.

But its just such a shame and I wish I can redo the entire relationship knowing what I do today. I am not 100% certain but pretty certain we could have made it with some knowledge and patience on my part and certainly better communication skills.

He was willing to work with me until I said those words that are so hurtful to a BPD "its over." I didn't mean it but I said it, in anger, when he made these out of line accusations. He spent the next 24 hours vomiting from pain and woke up an entirely different person - the love turned to hate.

Everyone tells me to move on. That its not worth it. I think that is wrong - he was worth it. I do wish I had a second chance.

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[Skip]

He was willing to work with me until I said those words that are so hurtful to a BPD "its over." I didn't mean it but I said it, in anger, when he made these out of line accusations. He spent the next 24 hours vomiting from pain and woke up an entirely different person - the love turned to hate.

I don't think it is accurate or helpful to think of this whole thing hinged on one day of frustration on your part. That day might have been the straw that broke the camels back, but it was still a straw. And if you hadn't down what you did, its likely another event down the road would have triggered this break.

Looking at your story, it sounds like he was in a battle with himself - the more he cared about you the more threatening you were to him - it sounds life the whole fear of abandonment thing.

The vulnerability was too much and he was doing many things to try to eliminate it. Over-courting you, monitoring of your communications, surveillance of your movements, and in the end, interrogation (that's what those accusations were) - trying to get you to confess anything that slipped through the net.

Everyone tells me to move on. That its not worth it. I think that is wrong - he was worth it. I do wish I had a second chance.

You are the only one who knows if it is worth it.  Have you reached out?

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are going through this. Its hard when it makes no sense to us and we miss them. I found with mine what he accused me of he was actually doing. Yours may be totally different. And yes only you can say when enough is enough or what is worth it to you. Keep posting here. There are good people and supportive knowledgeable moderators.

[kim2017]

Skip,

It does seem the more he liked me the more insecure he became. I just don't understand, does that mean he will never "love" someone, does that mean he will only be happy with someone who he has a mediocre relationship with. He told me with his insecurity, I was "toxic" for him. Does that mean it's only me - that someone else will be perfect for him and my happy, social personality would never work?

I tried to reach out when we first broke up but he had blocked me on everything - erased me instantly like I never existed. Not even a good-bye. I bumped into him months later at an event and he harbored so much anger (RAGE) that I couldn't talk to him. So really nothing in 8 months.

But I really miss him and wish I can just ask him how he and his kids are doing. So hard to let go.

[Skip]

does that mean he will only be happy with someone who he has a mediocre relationship with.

Mediocre? Not necessarily. Possibly someone where he has more control over (where he's better looking, smarter, etc.) or someone who is co-dependent, or even working multiple relationships at one time.  This is all the type of things that people do to avoid triggering the downward spiral of fear of abandonment.

What is the anger about? Your rejection of him?

[kim2017]

Well he often described his wife as him being superior - he was 7 years younger, wealthier, from a higher socio economic status than her so maybe he will seek someone who in his mind he feels superior to.

His anger is bec we got into a fight and I told him "it's over." I said it in the heat of anger bec he falsely accused me of cheating on him, was monitoring me and no amount of assurance was making him feel secure.  Said those words and 24 hours later I unleashed a monster. Cut off like I never existed and Mr. All-Loving-Kindness turned into the angriest person I have ever seen.

[patientandclear]

Well he often described his wife as him being superior - he was 7 years younger, wealthier, from a higher socio economic status than her so maybe he will seek someone who in his mind he feels superior to.

His anger is bec we got into a fight and I told him "it's over." I said it in the heat of anger bec he falsely accused me of cheating on him, was monitoring me and no amount of assurance was making him feel secure.  Said those words and 24 hours later I unleashed a monster. Cut off like I never existed and Mr. All-Loving-Kindness turned into the angriest person I have ever seen.

No one is always going to respond with perfect calm and perfect relationship-sustaining skills in the face of abuse and control strategies like the ones your ex used with you.  If you did, I think I'd question your mental health or whether you were an actual human   As a friend of mine said once, no one is always going to bat 1000.

And that means that at some point, anyone with even a modicum of self-respect is going to take a step that causes him to react in the way you are currently experiencing (complete cut off).  That does damage to a relationship that is not of your making and is probably not avoidable.

As to the ex-wife: First, his account of her is likely self-justifying (we all do that to some degree and pwBPD to an extreme degree) and is not to be accepted at face value.  My ex's story of his most important past relationships were so off, and even he knew that at some level; contradictory facts kept poking through.  More importantly, even if his description was accurate: his sense of control may have been achieved through different means with her, possibly because he didn't feel as threatened or vulnerable.  But that's just a different set of problems that I assume you would also not want.  Their relationship didn't survive either -- it's a different recipe but probably not a recipe that yields "better" results.  In any event, you are you and that's a good thing, even if he can't handle it very well.