Terrified and distraught

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really don't know what to do at this point. H is becoming increasingly volatile all of a sudden. We moved into a new neighborhood and it's in the city. Recently there have been several crimes in our neighborhood. Some shootings, and a couple of hostile robberies. H was a victim of an attempted robbery gone wrong years ago before we met, in our previous city. The perpetrator was a gang member and he stabbed H in the leg. My guess is that this rash of crimes has triggered him in a really bad way.

Our new city has a lot of hostile race relations to begin with, and because most of the violent crimes and armed robberies committed on the block have been perpetrated by one race of people more than the others, sometimes race-related conversations come up on our neighborhood Facebook groups. They are always volatile, but H has increasingly said things that have made me uncomfortable in front of my neighbors. I have been trying really hard to be a positive influence on the neighborhood (and have hoped for it to rub off on him) and have talked with our alderwoman about setting up public forums to have productive discussions about these topics. At first, H was 100 percent behind me, until he talked to a white neighbor who was shot at, who told him that the police said he was targeted for being a certain skin color. This sent H on a spin. He started posting on our neighborhood site, saying things that really made me uncomfortable and embarrassed. Of course, I made the mistake yesterday of typing a comment, telling him his comment was racist.

When I got home from work, he was full of rage. His eyes were flaming. His face was bright red. He screamed and screamed, and roared. He kicked things around. I tried to get away from him by going upstairs to the bedroom and locking the door. He pounded on the door and screamed that he needed to get his stuff. I opened it and ran back downstairs. I called my best friend and locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and sobbed and shook while he stomped around. I hoped that he would just leave. He was supposed to go to a friend's music show. After his rage subsided, he begged me to open the door in a pitiful voice and begged me for a kiss goodbye. I told him no. I opened the door and, there he was, in "wounded victim" mode. I told him to go to the show and that we would talk later.

He came home raging drunk later, and woke me up with loud music, bringing a stranger into the house I'd never met before. I had to come down and politely ask him to turn down the music because I had to be up early. He obliged, and then they went to the neighbor's house for more partying. By the time he got home again, he was blitzed. And he started screaming again. This time, so loud that I was terrified that the neighbors would call the cops. Strangely, no one did (which makes me a little concerned for myself - what gives, people?). I tried to de-escalate and validate as best as I could, and just focused on, "Let's talk about this in the morning. You're drunk. Let's talk when you have a clear head. Let's go to sleep." Finally he acquiesced and I went to go sleep in the other room to try to get some peace.

Today he's still raging and yelling at me when I am trying to have a conversation with him. I stayed home from work because I was so exhausted and waited until he got up to try to ease into a talk. He is still furious. He's never stayed mad for so long and I'm scared of him and sick of this.

I am thinking maybe we just have different fundamental values and that maybe it's time to just end things. I don't know. I don't see a way forward. He's 100 percent blaming me here. I'm the bad guy. So, I guess there is no solution. I can't be the bad guy. I'm exhausted.

[WitzEndWife]

I really don't know what to do at this point. H is becoming increasingly volatile all of a sudden. We moved into a new neighborhood and it's in the city. Recently there have been several crimes in our neighborhood. Some shootings, and a couple of hostile robberies. H was a victim of an attempted robbery gone wrong years ago before we met, in our previous city. The perpetrator was a gang member and he stabbed H in the leg. My guess is that this rash of crimes has triggered him in a really bad way.

Our new city has a lot of hostile race relations to begin with, and because most of the violent crimes and armed robberies committed on the block have been perpetrated by one race of people more than the others, sometimes race-related conversations come up on our neighborhood Facebook groups. They are always volatile, but H has increasingly said things that have made me uncomfortable in front of my neighbors. I have been trying really hard to be a positive influence on the neighborhood (and have hoped for it to rub off on him) and have talked with our alderwoman about setting up public forums to have productive discussions about these topics. At first, H was 100 percent behind me, until he talked to a white neighbor who was shot at, who told him that the police said he was targeted for being a certain skin color. This sent H on a spin. He started posting on our neighborhood site, saying things that really made me uncomfortable and embarrassed. Of course, I made the mistake yesterday of typing a comment, telling him his comment was racist.

When I got home from work, he was full of rage. His eyes were flaming. His face was bright red. He screamed and screamed, and roared. He kicked things around. I tried to get away from him by going upstairs to the bedroom and locking the door. He pounded on the door and screamed that he needed to get his stuff. I opened it and ran back downstairs. I called my best friend and locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and sobbed and shook while he stomped around. I hoped that he would just leave. He was supposed to go to a friend's music show. After his rage subsided, he begged me to open the door in a pitiful voice and begged me for a kiss goodbye. I told him no. I opened the door and, there he was, in "wounded victim" mode. I told him to go to the show and that we would talk later.

He came home raging drunk later, and woke me up with loud music, bringing a stranger into the house I'd never met before. I had to come down and politely ask him to turn down the music because I had to be up early. He obliged, and then they went to the neighbor's house for more partying. By the time he got home again, he was blitzed. And he started screaming again. This time, so loud that I was terrified that the neighbors would call the cops. Strangely, no one did (which makes me a little concerned for myself - what gives, people?). I tried to de-escalate and validate as best as I could, and just focused on, "Let's talk about this in the morning. You're drunk. Let's talk when you have a clear head. Let's go to sleep." Finally he acquiesced and I went to go sleep in the other room to try to get some peace.

Today he's still raging and yelling at me when I am trying to have a conversation with him. I stayed home from work because I was so exhausted and waited until he got up to try to ease into a talk. He is still furious. He's never stayed mad for so long and I'm scared of him and sick of this.

I am thinking maybe we just have different fundamental values and that maybe it's time to just end things. I don't know. I don't see a way forward. He's 100 percent blaming me here. I'm the bad guy. So, I guess there is no solution. I can't be the bad guy. I'm exhausted.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BowlOfPetunias]

Such racism would be a deal breaker for me.  One of the reasons I stay with my wife is that we do share many of the same values and she generally supports the human rights work that I do. 

My sister, on the other hand, has much worse BPD symptoms and has made incredibly racist statements.  I am ashamed to be around her and fear that she might do something like use racists insults about the waitstaff who are serving us at a restaurant--again.  I have minimal contact with my sister.  The last time I saw her was at an aunt's funeral.

Are there positive things that keep you in the relationship despite the clash of values and the frightening violence?

The combination of anger and alcohol is a very serious danger.  At the very least, you need to make plans for what to do if he gets violent and drunk enough that you need to leave the house.  Ask a friend or relative if you can stay at their place on short notice or identify a shelter that you can go to if the need arises. 

[WitzEndWife]

Such racism would be a deal breaker for me.  One of the reasons I stay with my wife is that we do share many of the same values and she generally supports the human rights work that I do. 

Yeah, he didn't used to be like this. I thought we had the same values, more or less. But maybe it was all a facade?

Are there positive things that keep you in the relationship despite the clash of values and the frightening violence?

They keep getting slimmer and slimmer. When he's in Dr. Jekyll mode, he's quite pleasant and fun. We enjoy cycling together, hiking, and art. He's supportive of me and helps me around the house. He keeps our cars tidy and in good repair.

The combination of anger and alcohol is a very serious danger.  At the very least, you need to make plans for what to do if he gets violent and drunk enough that you need to leave the house.  Ask a friend or relative if you can stay at their place on short notice or identify a shelter that you can go to if the need arises. 

I have my friend's house open to me, as well as my parents' home, thankfully. I can go either place at any time. I don't think he'll actually hurt me, but he does throw things, punch and kick things, and he scares me and the dog.

[WitzEndWife]

Update: More rage last night, during which time he called me, "stupid," "___," "garbage," and said he did not love me and wanted to leave. So I told him to leave if he wanted to, that I wasn't stopping him. He threatened to burn my house down.

He chased me up the stairs screaming. He cornered me in the bedroom, screaming. The dog cowered in the closet. I told him to leave me alone or I'd call the police. He said if I didn't "disrespect" him, we wouldn't have these arguments. He blamed me for everything.

This morning he's back into wounded puppy dog mode. He called me at work to ask me if I wanted to go to "food truck Fridays" tonight in the park. I told him I didn't feel up to it (given that he'd kept me up until 5 am screaming his head off at me two nights in a row). I told him that I might go stay at my parents' house (they are out of town and I need to go over there anyway) and that I'd be taking the dog with me. He said, "Fine, leave me alone. I've never felt more alone in my life." I told him that we'd discuss it later, as I was at work.

I need to get away from him and he's trying to make it difficult for me. Any advice?

[HelenaHandbasket]

About the racism thing--people can change like that, and it's always mind-boggling when they do. For example, my best friend from college has adopted some truly terrifying views in recent years, and that could not have been further from her personality when I knew her.  It's bizarre, as she was the last person I would have ever expected to go that route. For her, it started when she met her husband, who shared her passion for music but is a hard-core religious fundamentalist and, apparently, a closet white supremacist (her friends and family didn't realize any of this until it was too late). He influenced her, and now I don't even recognize the person she's become. It's sad but it can happen.  If yours and your husband's values have diverged so drastically, maybe that's a sign that this does need to end. But only you can make that call. Is it possible he's just lashing out because he's scared (since he was attacked a few years ago)? Could there be some PTSD clouding his better judgment?

[WitzEndWife]

Is it possible he's just lashing out because he's scared (since he was attacked a few years ago)? Could there be some PTSD clouding his better judgment?

It's 100 percent due to some form of PTSD and fear. He told me that walking around our neighborhood felt like he was driving 100 mph on a country road at night with walls of deer waiting to leap out from either side of the road into his path, that every person walking or driving by could leap into his path. But he won't do therapy, so I cannot help him.