I need some suggestions

[Furbaby Mom]

My husband and I have distanced ourselves from my SIL who was very nasty toward me.  The last time we saw her was on Thanksgiving.  She has "tried" to apologize to us for cursing us both out, flipping out, etc. on Thanksgiving by writing an email to my husband and cc'd me.  She sent it to us on Valentine's day morning, then texted "oops... .hope that didn't ruin your valentines day."  Her email started off sincere, but quickly turned into how dare we treat her this way, particularly her brother/my husband.  She ridiculed him in the email and essentially told him how disgusting of a brother and human he is and that she wants nothing to do with me. 

After not responding to her few and far between texts which alternate between being innocent, like "hey i miss you" to "you just throw me aside like a piece of trash, well you are the piece of trash."
 He expressed interest lately in seeing her again, which is very difficult for both of us.  She has attacked me verbally and emotionally and to this day won't acknowledge my presence.  My husband is stuck between where he wants his relationship with his sister to be and where it actually is.  Numerous times he could respond to her, he doesn't.

She is now having her boyfriend reach out to us to invite us to spend time with them.  I am really stuck on what to do.  Obviously, I will support my husband in his decision even if that is to re-establish a relationship with her.  But where does that put me?  What is my role in this?  Do I sit back and allow myself to be trashed/the object of the hatred so he can have a relationship?  It feels like it's one or the other.  A huge piece of me wants an apology that I know I will never get.  I am scared of how much I really dislike her and how she treated me, my marriage, and my husband.  I am not sure I can get past it. 

Any advice?

[Mutt]

Hi Furbaby Mom, 



I can see how that would be a difficult situation, I'm going to guess that something very similar has happened in the past between your H and his sister - how she denigrated him, dies he let roll off of his back? Does he feel guilty because of Thanks giving and he's trying to repair the r/s with her?

I can understand how her behaviour affects you, I don't think that it's fair that he may choose to see her, what are your boundaries on how she treated you? What do you about self protecting yourself while you sort through your thoughts / feelings about her r/s with your H and you?

[Furbaby Mom]

My husband has actually had a very unhealthy relationship with his sister, but it was seemingly very good for him and her.  Before I came into the picture he really acted as her father/best friend.  He paid her bills, took her everywhere, was a constant source of emotional and physical support for her.  Things shifted as in my opinion they should when we started dating.  She would become upset if we had private dates and even invite herself on our dates. 
He has another sister who really struggled with her BPD (she was diagnosed and medicated only when in treatment for her addiction).  With that sister, she was constantly in trouble with the law so she caused the family a lot of stress.  She overdosed quite a few times even in the presence of my husband who had to give her CPR.  The family learned with that SIL that it was easier to just keep quiet and help her manage than to address any issues because of her irrational reaction to opposition.  With the other sister, when she started showing symptoms, my husband reverted back to his pattern of not addressing the issues.  I think he is easily manipulated by her and her words.  She plays the victim a lot and will often come with a pouty voice and try to apologize.  I know he wants things to get better, but has a hard time realizing that is on her.  We have been over the top with including her and stepping around her feelings and sucking things up to avoid temper tantrums. 
My husband has decided to not see her without me.  He sees what she did as damaging to our relationship and more importantly incredibly hurtful toward me.  What makes it even worse is that she is telling my husband that she apologized to me and tried to mend things, which is not true.  Is this typical of BPD's?  To create a story line that just never happened?  I worry that she has convinced herself of this story line and in that story line i am the evil person.  How do I change that?  My boundaries with her are quite frankly as high as they can go.  I do not want to be in the same room as her.  Is that realistic?  No.  Is it what I want?  Definitely no, but I don't know how to change the situation.  She simply refuses to take ownership over anything and when she does, it comes at the cost of her telling you what she really thinks of you, which in my opinion is not an apology.  It has been almost a year since I last saw her and my feelings have grown into even more resentment as she continues to talk negatively about me despite us not speaking.  Should I reach out?  Should I pass over my negative thoughts to reconcile?  It will be fake, but maybe that will grant us some peace.