I need to get out. My uBPDh's rage at me has been escalating

[WitzEndWife]

I think this is it. I need to get out. My uBPDh's rage at me has been escalating and it's clear that his values are not aligned with mine any longer. It started with the election and has only gotten worse over time. Since a simple disagreement with his statement on our neighborhood's forum on social media on Tuesday, he has been terrorizing me every day. I come home from work, and he rages against me. I have had to lock myself in rooms to get away from him, as he is roaring at me, red faced and furious. He's traumatizing the dog and causing me to lose sleep when I work an extremely stressful job. He threatened to burn my house down last night if I left.

He doesn't work and hasn't done anything more than intermittent Uber driving for our whole relationship. I paid for him to do real estate school this summer and he loved the classes, and took the tests, but now hasn't followed up with looking for work. I paid for his resident visa and lawyer fees to immigrate here. I have supported his medical expenses, bought him a car, and paid for every single thing he owns. He will keep up with the car maintenance and clean the kitchen, garage, and basement, but that is about it. Some days he stays in bed for a full day, sometimes half a day.

My health is suffering. I've gained 30 lbs in a year and cannot exercise regularly because he often decides to either pick a fight with me in the evening, or is generally disruptive to my sleep. I'm exhausted and run down. I'm miserable. I feel as though I cannot voice my opinions anymore because he claims I'm "narrow-minded" and "ignorant" because I won't tolerate hateful language.

I'm big hearted, but I am hurting. I just want to curl up in a little ball and make this nightmare disappear. And the worst of it is, when he's done raging at me and abusing me, he tries to be affectionate and act like nothing is wrong. And then, when I reject his affection, he plays the victim. "You hate me," he pouts. "I guess I'll just go jump off of a bridge." It's manipulation, abuse, and torture. I can't do this anymore. It's a roller coaster cycle: catalyst-rage-victimhood-catalyst-rage-victimhood. I'm ragged.

But leaving seems so big, looming and scary. I don't live in a terribly safe neighborhood, so being alone is a little bit terrifying. I also know he will make me the "bad guy" over breaking things off. I scared of what that will mean, and whether he will try to self harm. What are some baby steps I could take toward getting my freedom from all of this? Please help.
 

[formflier]

Please worry about your own safety first... .he can and will do whatever to/for himself.

Perhaps it would make you feel better if you left the door open.

When you have real estate job and are open with me and your counselor about rage... .I will consider a future with you.

Nobody... .nobody should put up with rage like that.
 

[Fie]

Hello Witzendwife,


First I want to give you a very big hug because I think you can do with one 

Only you can decide what is best for you, leaving him or not. But you do have to think about your safety. You could prepare a bag with cloths and some money, that you can take with you if you have to leave very quickly. You could  put the car keys where he wouldn't look for them.You can think about a safe place to go when things get really bad : a friend, a hotel, ... .So you can drive off quickly if necessary.

I don't live in a terribly safe neighborhood, so being alone is a little bit terrifying.

 I think the danger might be coming rather from inside your house, then from outside ... .

xx

[Jami]

Hi WitzEndWife,

what you're going through sounds very, very hard to cope with. Know that you are not alone. Many of us can surely relate to your situation, which may not make it any easier to bear, but perhaps a little more tolerable.

What are some baby steps I could take toward getting my freedom from all of this? Please help.

Though there is no magic wand that can make it go away, there are definitely some steps you can take.

As other posters suggested, your safety should be the first priority.

Given the situation, your options and moves should be considered carefully and wisely. Reacting emotionally or "in the heat of the moment" is likely going to augment the confusion and lead to unwanted outcomes. This might be a helpful place to start with:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Also, i would advise you to seek professional support, possibly from a local domestic abuse service. Besides supporting you psychologically and emotionally they could help you to design a safety plan and provide precious information. If there are any close friends or family with whom you could share your concerns and, eventually, rely upon for help, it could be wise to reach out.

In my experience, as well as from the many stories i read on here, facing such situations on our own is simply not the best solution., especially if you're already in a state of exhaustion, sleep deprivation and high amounts of stress. An external support system could give you the strength and resources you need right now, and make you feel less lonely and vulnerable.

How long have you two been living together? Does he have any relatives or friends around? Is he totally dependent on you financially?

Please let us know how you're doing, whenever you can or feel like it. I'm sending my thoughts to you and wish you will be better soon,

Jami

[Cat Familiar]

But leaving seems so big, looming and scary. I don't live in a terribly safe neighborhood, so being alone is a little bit terrifying. I also know he will make me the "bad guy" over breaking things off. I scared of what that will mean, and whether he will try to self harm. What are some baby steps I could take toward getting my freedom from all of this? Please help.

WEW,
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. It's a huge burden upon your shoulders to cope with a rage-ful, threatening, unemployed spouse. I know because I've lived it too. You are exhausted and sleep deprived and unable to speak your mind to him without feeling attacked.

I see a lot of parallels to my ex-husband: the threats to burn down the house, the verbal abuse, the suicide threats, the wanting affection after behaving like a horrible person.

I, too, was scared about leaving. I wasn't sure if I could manage things on my own, with horses and livestock, plus working an additional job as well as running our business. But I did. It took putting in place new systems and strategies. Ultimately I realized that I could do everything much easier without him and all the negativity he was spewing 24/7.

If you feel unsafe in your neighborhood, you have a number of choices: install a security system, move to a different place, get a roommate, etc.

I know it all seems daunting right now, but you don't have to do everything at once. I know you're exhausted right now, but imagine what your future could look like if you create new possibilities for yourself.

     Cat

[WitzEndWife]

Hi all - thanks for the support. It's been a rough week overall. I'm still kind of in a holding pattern with him. I've talked and talked with him about how I don't feel safe, and how, in order for me to feel safe, I need to have him attend therapy again and deal with his anger and his trauma. He says he will go to therapy, as long as he gets to choose the therapist. I told him that was okay.

But ultimately nothing makes me feel good about our relationship. During the election, something switched in him, and it felt like our values diverged. On the one hand, when we're face to face, he agrees with me on many things, but then I see him posting and commenting awful things on Facebook. He says he's "just trolling." I know some of that is this BPD victim mentality, and the need to lash out, but I don't know if it will ever change. It's like he found ideologies that spoke to him and he latched onto them.

And the problem is that, when I mention that our values might be different, he says, "I'm tolerant of your views, why can't you be tolerant of mine?" But some things just don't sit right with me. However, he's going to paint me as being "intolerant" - because, of course, I'm the bad guy for having opinions that differ from his.

I'm struggling through what to do, and what will actually be "the last straw" with me. How long do I want to put up with this? On the one hand, he can be very loving most of the time, and helpful in his own ways. But on the other hand, his values and comments are starting to make me sick to my stomach. And there's the fear of another rage blowout, where I'll have to lock myself in the bathroom again.

Why is it that I care more about his feelings than about mine? I fear leaving because it will feel like kicking a puppy. Why do I allow myself to be manipulated? I love him but I don't like him half of the time. And that's where I am.

[Lalathegreat]

I didn't leave for a long time because despite the verbal abuse and rage there WAS something very pathetic about him and his inability to function and regulate. I relate to your "kicking the puppy" analogy.

Something to consider - my "puppy" beat my face in.

Whatever you choose - PLEASE pack a safety bag to keep in your car. Put away a little cash for just in case. Have friends or family "on call" who are aware of the situation and who would be able/willing to pick you up or give you a place to stay if necessary.

He will always look out for himself. Please make sure you are looking out for YOU.

 

Lala

[Notwendy]

While his politics may be feeding into his anger, I think it may help to separate this difference between you and the larger concern which is your mental health and safety.

Two people don't have to share the same political views to be compatible or at least civil to each other. Political discussions these days tend to be emotional. I'd leave those discussions off the table for now. At the heart of the issue is his behavior over his own bad feelings and how he is expressing them- trolling, being verbally abusive. However, those are his choices.

How you take care of yourself is a bigger focus. A decision like leaving seems huge- but at the moment you are exhausted and worn down. I agree with the other posters to have a safety first plan- a packed bag in your car should the situation become dangerous. It is a good thing that you are the main financial support- as this means you are not dependent on him and can take care of yourself in this way.

There are domestic abuse hotlines and social services.  If you call - they may be able to refer you to counseling. That would be a first step in getting support for taking care of yourself.

[Emotions]

I know it is scary, but if you choose yourself, you get calmness, peace and a sense of "yourself" back... .your thoughts will become familiar to you, because it is who you were before all of the trauma... .being who I am, I would consider giving all of those up for love, however toward the end of my relationship I had a big belly for me and very low energy... .now I have lost the belly, go for walks, play tennis and sleep 8 hours a night... .I have lost the symbol of my love which is my ex,  but I still have the love inside me and am able to give it to myself... .Hope you are able to get the respect you deserve and things start looking up for you... .Peace love and virtue be with you

[Cat Familiar]

But ultimately nothing makes me feel good about our relationship.

Please re-read your words above. What are you getting from this relationship? What would your life be like 5 years from now if you stay? What would your life be like 5 years from now if you leave?

Please be safe and put in place safety measures others have mentioned. As I posted on another topic, they'd never hurt you until they do.

[WitzEndWife]

Thank you all! I really want to again say how much I appreciate and value the support. I know you all know this isn't easy. I have concretely decided that, no matter what, if he rages at me again, I'm done. I don't deserve to feel scared in my own home. I will go on and pack a bag this weekend, and I will pack a bag for my dog too, so that we can leave in a hurry if we have to. I already have video of him screaming at me and using abusive language, so that will go a long way in court.

Thank you for your help.

[formflier]

I already have video of him screaming at me and using abusive language, so that will go a long way in court.

 

My goal is to help you think things through... .

I agree the video could be helpful in court.  Can you be more specific about what exactly it will do?  To what "end" or "goal" will the video help you to move forward on... legally?

So... .imagine I'm a fly on the wall with a big set of eyes and ears.

It's a week from now and he rages at you.

What do I see YOU doing and what do I hear YOU saying?

Very important you have thought this through and you understand what you are doing at each step... .and why you are doing it.

Have you called your local 911/sheriff office and asked if they do "text to 911".  If not... .please do this.  (I've been county executive a couple times, basically CEO of county government)  It has proven, in some cases, to be less triggering and more advantageous than "calling 911". 

Think about it... .he is raging and instead of "dialing" and him hearing you talk to dispatch, you can text your address and request response for DV.  He will be none the wiser until cops are showing up.

Again... this is about preparation, which will give you confidence.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I didn't even know there was a text to 911 service. But, for the next rage, I will grab my bag and my dog and go to either my best friend's house or my parents' house. I will not engage, I will not tell him what I'm doing, I will just get in the car and go.

[formflier]

. I will not engage, I will not tell him what I'm doing, I will just get in the car and go.

This is why I'm glad you posted your plans... .I want to offer some alternatives.  I hope you will consider them.

Leaving without saying anything, if that is a "new" think... .could be triggering.  Much better to have a habit of saying... .I'm going to get some air... .I'll be back in 10 minutes.  Then... .if you decide to go... you just go... .and he rages at nothing.

I'm going to be frank here... .a bag should be in your trunk... .so there is no change in patter to trigger him.  If he sees you carrying a bag and dog out... .without talking, I'm confident that will be triggering to him.  We just don't know how much.

Much better to say... .I need to clear my head and fido needs to pee and walk... .I'll be back in 10 minutes, even though it's a lie.

Do you see the thought?

Now... .if you are done.  Why leave?  Text or call 911, when officers arrive show them the videos in past and what he just did (likely threatening you) and he is likely gone.  To take the likely out of it, you should talk to DV and police to understand what they would make someone leave for/arrest.

Especially if you indicate you are taking out a protection order.

Basically, why give up the house... .if you are "done" the next rage.  You will have to remove him at somepoint... .why not then?   Perhaps there is a good answer to "why not"... .but you should have that clear in your head.

FF

[Radcliff]

WitzEndWife,

I hope you are having a safe weekend.  I want to agree with formflier's advice about leaving in a subtle way.  Embarrassingly, I have a lot of experience leaving the house.  A couple of months ago, my wife saw that I was leaving, and moved to block my path as I tried a couple of exit routes.  As she followed, I left through the front door.  To my surprise, she went to the front walk to block my path, then charged me like a football player, running into me to drive me back into the house.  I was able to grab the door frame to stop us, then push past her.  It was shocking and upsetting as it was, but if she had been physically dominant, it would have been terrifying.  My point is that leaving can be a big trigger.  That day, I wasn't prepared.  When I'm prepared, I have a bag hidden on the side of the house, and I wait until she doesn't expect me to leave and I have a clear path out.  I also have spare sets of car keys and house keys in various places, along with cash and a cash card.  Formflier's "walking the dog" suggestion sounded like a good one.  

You asked about baby steps to take towards getting your freedom.  I agree with the comments to take the time to plan.  I have three suggestions.  Two of them, reading a book and keeping a journal, are definitely baby steps and you can do them easily.  The third, finding a lawyer, may feel like a big step, but I explain why it would be a good thing to do and is actually much less scary if you do it now, when it's not urgent.
 
Please consider reading the book, "Splitting," by Bill Eddy (have you read it already by chance?).  It is specifically about divorcing someone with BPD.  Just like living with a pwBPD has all sorts of patterns and behaviors, so does divorcing someone with BPD.  Eddy is both a lawyer and a therapist; I found it to be a pretty exceptional book written specifically for the situation I might face.  I spend most of my time on the "Improving" board and may never divorce, but I found that reading the book helped me to prepare and made it feel like I had more of a choice -- leaving was less daunting because I knew more about the path.  I keep all my BPD books in Kindle form on a separate Amazon account I have on my iPhone, with the Kindle app buried many screens back, and in a folder.  This solves the problem of a paper book lying around the house. (Plus you can have it tonight

Are you keeping a journal?  A journal can be a big help for at least three reasons.  First, it can help you get some perspective on what's happening to you.  Whenever my wife makes verbal threats, is physically abusive, blocks my path, steals my car keys or important possessions, I write it in my journal (which happens to be on my phone, so I always have it with me).  First, it's very cathartic to write it down, and it helps me to keep my temper cool.  Second, it solves the problem that I would forget bad things that happened and minimize them; when I read it later, I see the amount of abnormality and destructiveness of what's going on with more objectivity.  Third, the journal shows a clear and convincing pattern of abuse.  One recording is helpful, but doesn't show a pattern.  I was initially very scared that my wife could play the "good guy" and nobody would believe me.  With the journal, I now feel very confident about being able to tell my story, and several journal entries over a period of time can be a huge help in getting a restraining order (don't stay in an unsafe situation because your journal is too short, though!).  I would advise that you not let your husband know about it, and certainly never let him see you writing in it, as that could be triggering.

Finally, I would urge you to consider finding a divorce attorney.  Why would you possibly do that if you're not sure you want to leave?  The attorney is the one who will file the restraining order.  You want someone who you trust, who you can work with through a very difficult time (and divorcing someone with BPD can be a tough journey).  If you need a restraining order, you may need it in a hurry, and you don't want to find an attorney in a hurry.  You want to have the time to talk to a handful and get a sense of who matches your style/needs and who does not.  "Splitting" has advice about finding an attorney.  Mediation is one option that can reduce conflict; finding an attorney who can represent you traditionally, or as a consulting attorney supporting mediation can be a good thing to do.

This is a difficult time.  Stay safe in body and spirit.  Keep us posted, and best wishes for you to find a peaceful and fulfilling path forward.

[Radcliff]

Hi WitzEndWife,

I was reflecting on my earlier reply a bit, and wanted to offer some more thoughts.  One of the challenges for me is to respect the intent of the original post, especially if the thread gets long.  You asked for baby steps.  Restraining orders and talking to divorce lawyers are not baby steps.  They are potentially important tools, and your thoughts may have evolved since the original post, but after making my first reply, I wondered if maybe that's not what you're looking for just yet.  Talking to a divorce lawyer really helped me, but there's no rush; you can wait on that one if it doesn't fit now.  The important thing is for you to decide which of our thoughts to pick up and apply in a way that feels right for you.

The suggestion of local support really feels right.  If you are hiding in a bathroom because the rage feels physically threatening, that's not OK.  Having a live human trained in these things to talk through what you might do in that situation seems like a really good idea.  Do not think that you need to be struck in order to call a domestic violence hotline.  The folks there would probably hug you with joy to hear from you before that happens.  Even if we knew your husband would never hit you, it's still not OK to have to hide in the bathroom from a rage storm, and the local folks would still be happy to talk to you to help you walk through options for improving the situation.

Another thing I caught on a second read of the thread is your level of exhaustion.  That has to get better soon.  You said he is disruptive to your sleep.  What does he do to disrupt your sleep?

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks again for all of the responses. As you know, it's hard to leave, especially when they're being all wounded and clingy, and overcompensating for everything (60 percent of the time over here). I can tell when he's just waiting to find something to be angry about though. He nitpicks at me for not being affectionate enough, or for looking at my phone too much, or for complaining about his crazy driving. I know he's purposefully trying to get under my skin, with sweeping generalizations about me based on small incidents, i.e. "You're ALWAYS complaining about me," "You hate me," "Go back into your can, Oscar! You're ALWAYS grouchy," etc. Poke, poke, poke.

Nothing has happened lately, but I know he's feeling bad about himself and he's just looking for an outlet. He raged when I wasn't home about getting a late fee on his Macy's card. I feel sorry for the poor customer service person who had to deal with him.

I have for certain decided that I will leave at the next rage incident. He knows that too. I told him that I don't deserve to be treated that way, and, no matter what, such behavior is never okay. He has agreed with me, but I don't think for one second that he will be keen on me leaving. In the past, he hasn't tried to stop me. Instead, he has threatened his own suicide, which, of course, is manipulative. I think he would be okay with me saying, "I just need to go somewhere overnight until things cool down," or something to that effect. I shouldn't threaten to leave unless I can ensure that he has support as well (i.e. his mom).

I think a journal or diary would be a good idea. And, of course, support from here is helpful. It's particularly useful when I feel stuck and alone. I've been feeling very alone lately, mainly because I don't have the energy to spend time with friends outside of him, and because I've gained weight, I don't feel good about dressing up and going out for a drink or to a show with friends. I have my family, but it's also awkward to tell them everything because I'm not trying to let them know just how bad it's gotten. They know some, and they already don't like him, but they're trying to be accepting, and I feel like they wouldn't be as accepting if they knew the full extent of his meanness toward me.

Maybe talking to a lawyer wouldn't be a bad idea. This is something I could do just to understand what my options are and just how much a divorce would cost me, given that he's barely made any effort to work the entire time we've been together and married, and I've paid for his immigration lawyer and fees, his car, his car and health insurance, our mortgage, groceries, food, dental bills, medicine, clothing, schooling, school supplies, entertainment, etc. Over the course of our relationship, I've probably spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on him. I don't know if that means anything in a no fault state, and I probably will still have to give him money to get out of this. What a kicker. Sigh. Hopefully I can keep the house.

I guess I'm just rambling now. Thanks for listening anyhow. I'm going to grab that book and try to read it in the few precious moments he's not around!

[formflier]

pwBPD rarely respect words.  They respect the "facts on the ground", even if they don't verbalize them well.

Where am I going with this.

I have a hard time with you "leaving" on the next rage incident... .instead of involving authorities and having him removed.  

This alone is a reason to involve a lawyer... .so you know for sure what kinds of things the local authorities will support

You don't want to ask for a protection order... .only to have it denied.

A L can guide you.

Please don't "shield" your hubby from the natural consequences of his behavior... ."shielding" removes his incentive to change.

Please don't "fix" or "arrange" things for him so you leaving or him getting kicked out goes better.  Let him "experience" it... .fully.

He may not change... .or he may.  He is more likely to change with a "more full" experience.

How does all of this sound to you?

Have you found out about 911 procedures?

FF

[Radcliff]

I have a hard time with you "leaving" on the next rage incident... .instead of involving authorities and having him removed.

I am finding it a challenge to balance my concerns for WitzEndWife's safety with the need to let her chart her own course.  I feel too far removed from the situation to accurately assess things, and am cautious about the balance of carefully challenging WitzEndWife and trusting her judgement.  I also return to the title of the original post, though, "Scared of him.  Please help." 

WitzEndWife, how physically safe do you feel?  Do you have an intuition that you are in physical danger?  (I am not saying that a lack of intuition means safety, but an intuition of danger is a sign that should not be ignored).

If you see a lawyer, you'll probably get a good lesson for free from them.  If you don't have a lot of time and energy, you may decide to just see one or two and leave it at that for now.  The first lawyer you see does not have to be your "forever" lawyer.  It's kind of like dating.  You may need to kiss a few frogs.  To mix metaphors, if you go to a surgeon, they are probably going to recommend surgery, because that's what they do.  Some lawyers have a rather limited range, and may recommend actions that don't seem in line with your goals or style.  If you get to a point where you want to find that "forever" lawyer, keep looking until you find one that has a wide range, from calm resolution to full battle (leading with the former hopefullly), who listens to, and who is good about returning your calls in a professional amount of time.

[applesauce]

Dear WitzEndWife,
I've been following your post and feel compelled to write to you. I'm new here too and going through many of the same emotions and situations you are. There is a lot of good advice on here from people who've been there and have helped many others before. Start with the things that seem the easiest to do now. Every little step is important and will help.

I was in the same place as you at one time, hiding in the bathroom, running away from him, driving off only to have him follow me, etc. I even sat outside a police station when I was 7 months pregnant trying to tell myself to just go in and do something about it. I don't know why I didn't, but I'm starting to come out of the fog. I don't know why, but reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells: 2nd Edition" by Paul T., Mason, MS and Randi Kreger was a turning point for me. Understanding that this is a mental illness was huge. Also coming to the realization that he was unlikely to get help or change was another. I've been going through the stages of Grief, and am coming to acceptance. I'm accepting that this is not the marriage or the life I thought I would have. I'm accepting that it will be hard to leave, hard to start a new life, hard to deal with losing the house, hard to deal with a custody battle for our 2 kids, hard to lose my amazing step-son, etc. But I also accept that it would be much harder to live my life every day with this stress and pressure. Our husbands sound very similar, I support our family almost 100% and his spending habits have put us into serious debt. For me, getting out now will actually help me financially in the long run because I won't have to support his spending anymore and will be responsible for myself. Even if I have to pay him support, it's inevitable, at least it will be a set amount of money each month rather than uncontrolled spending all the time. Ironically, I've also paid a significant amount of money towards legal fees he still incurs in fighting his ex-wife for custody of their son. Unbelievably, I'm dealing with guilt now, guilt of how he will feel, how this will affect him, what it will do to him. But that reminds me that I am an empathetic person and that he hasn't been giving me empathy in all this. I need to look out for me, since he isn't going to. I'm finally meeting with a counselor and am meeting with a divorce attorney this week to discuss my options. One thing to keep in mind is that most lawyers don't do free consultations so make sure you are putting aside some cash regularly so that you'll have the money to pay for a consult if you need one.

I just keep telling myself to take one day at a time. Making a plan and following it has really helped too. It gives me something to focus on rather than feeling so hurt and helpless about my relationship. It will be hard, but each little step forward breaks that hurt into smaller pieces that I can digest before tackling the next one. Talking about it out loud with a counselor helps with that too. I don't know why, but vocalizing it really makes it real, so you can deal with the emotions that it brings. I also understand it's hard to confide in family and friends. But you will realize that you have some really good people in your life that will be there for you even though you may not do what they think you should. Sadly, I lost all contact with my entire family 5 years ago because of this relationship and it was really hard to find people I could trust in my life. But I finally started opening up about my pain and it really helps.

Being on here is a great step and I wish you all the best. There are so many others out there going through this with you, you are not alone.

All my best,
Applesauce

[formflier]

To be clear... .leaving is often a good thing, many times the best thing to do.

Especially doing it with tools... .(such as "I'm going for a walk for 5 minutes).  I still do this today.

Again... .don't "hear" anything in my words to "pooh pooh" those things.

There is a difference in "done" and "done for now".  That's a big leap.  The OP is considering when to take that leap.

IMO... taking that leap, for the reasons she is bringing up, without involving authorities... .leaves a lot on the table and could likely leave the OP in a weird position of trying to "reclaim her home".

Also... .as we have seen from other posts... .leaving can inflame BPD to the point of physical things.

Much better to "know" what it takes for a protection order and to have cops arrest and take a person away.  When that line is crossed, surreptitiously contact 911 (text to 911... .if you have it) and the pwBPD is none the wiser until cops show up.

Then... .the professionals handle it.

There are "plans" and then there is what happens.  I'm most interested in the planning part of this for the OP.

FF

[Radcliff]

Well said, formflier.  The planning/learning is good, and empowers one to choose the best path.  In fact, just yesterday, I was thinking of introducing myself to the local police just to understand how they handle things.  I'm not ready for that yet, but you are making good points.

[WitzEndWife]

So many questions. I'll try to answer.

So, they don't have texting to 911 yet in my area, unfortunately. They do in some areas of the county, but not in the city. So, I'd have to actually call them. I don't feel comfortable with calling the police on my husband. I know that doesn't seem rational to some of you, but it feels a bit over the top and I don't know if I could live with myself if he was taken away in a squad car. Furthermore, he has nowhere to go. At least, if I left, we could each figure things out.

I'm at a loss because I typically don't believe that he could hurt me. On the other hand, when he's raging like that, it feels like he wants to beat me up with his words. Does that make sense? And he kicks things and throws things around that belong to me, so if I separate myself from him, he will be less likely to damage my things and continue to emotionally wound me. I am also cognizant of the fact that this is how a lot of physically abusive relationships begin. They never mean to hit. I get that. I just haven't yet experienced it, with the exception of a light slap once, rage driving, and mushed banana being thrown at me. It's hard to predict whether those actions are the apex of this or not.

I've read Walking on Eggshells, and that was a valuable book and helped me get more independence from him in a lot of ways. I now don't feel bad for staying late at work, or going to see friends when I want to.

At this point, I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough to kick him out because of the emotional backlash and the guilt. The fact that he's wholly dependent on me, and he's said previously that if we ever split, he would just jump off of a bridge because there would be nothing left for him, and he wouldn't go back to his mother's house at 40 years old. Is this enabling? Maybe. I don't seem to have the energy to assess that anymore. I'm just exhausted.

[formflier]

Big question... .why are you in charge of solving things for your husband?

It's a serious question... .

I've had different answers to that for my wife over the years... .I can tell you that I used to think more like you do now.

It is very important that YOU sort on on YOUR timetable the how and the why of taking responsibility for another adult.

And that those reasons are crystal clear in your mind.

   

This is not easy stuff... .

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Feel compelled to chime in here in support of FF and the idea of not just leaving. What happened to me wasn't "my fault" per say, but if I'm completely honest and reflective I know that I could have avoided being violently assaulted if I had approached my exit in a different way. I knew my leaving had always been extremely triggering even when done carefully.

A word of caution - don't discount his potential to act out physically. After my assault, I ordered all the documents on public record that I could for my ex. The first official statements on file were from his first wife who was seeking help because he was verbally aggressive to her (she explicitly states that he hadn't been physical towards her) but holding knives to his own throat while physically threatening himself. This is an extremely complicated mental illness that can express itself in a myriad of ways and can change over time and depending on the triggering circumstance.

  Be careful... .

Lala

[I_Am_The_Fire]

WEW, your situation sounds familiar to mine as well. However, my husband didn't go into rages until I stopped managing his emotions and I filed for divorce. I was terrified of him when he went into these rages. He then blamed me for it. I tried very hard to de-escalate as much as I could, by going for walks or "simply" not reacting. He would also threaten to leave and that he would kill himself. I was exhausted from having to deal with him and not knowing when the next rage would come or why. It was hell and I hated it. There was no "us" anymore. His needs and wants came before mine, regardless of what he claimed. Once I stopped managing his emotions (exhausting in itself), I then saw a whole other side of him I had never seen before and it wasn't good.

I knew in my heart I had to leave him but it seemed to be too overwhelming especially since I was already exhausted every day. I didn't sleep well at all and neither did the kids. For the majority of my life (I'm in my 40s), I had dissociated as a coping mechanism to abuse. Before I had filed for divorce, I went to therapy and had started to finally deal with feeling my emotions. For me, I knew I had to leave when he provoked me into a rage by pushing every button he could think of right when I had just started my therapy. While I was sobbing on the floor after my rage, he then told me I was unstable and a danger to the kids. I knew at that point that he didn't really care about me. Who does that to someone they claim to love? What kind of person intentionally pushes your buttons like that when you had just started therapy? I had hit my last straw. I didn't want to be with someone like this. He never saw a problem with what he did and still doesn't. At that time, I didn't have the tools I have now to deal with something like that appropriately.

So I can understand where you're coming from. I'm afraid for you to reach that last straw because it may be a doozy and I'd hate to see anyone go through something like what I went through, especially when you're afraid of him and have to lock yourself in the bathroom. I also really do understand why you say that calling the police feels over the top. I thought the very same thing too when my friends told me to call the police on him. I just couldn't see myself doing that. Then that day came.

He had moved out as part of the temp orders for the divorce. He went into a rage when he found out I had a male friend over at the house. He came over and beat on the door demanding to be let in. He ended up breaking the door in. After almost twenty years with him, I never in a million years thought he would do something like that yet he did. I was terrified! I called the police. By the time they got there, he had left. It scared the crap out of the kids too. The police told me I did the right thing by calling them.

You wrote that he tells you he won't go back to his mother's house. My ex said the same thing to me but ended up moving in with her anyway. He also threatened to kill himself. IMO, this is pure manipulation to guilt you into doing whatever he wants you to do. As harsh as it sounds, ultimately that is his decision. Chances are he is just bluffing and won't follow through. Mine rarely followed through with any of his threats. Does yours have a history of bluffing? When mine claimed to be suicidal, I politely suggested that he see a therapist then. When he was seeing a therapist, I told her that I was concerned with what he said. She thanked me for telling her and that I did the right thing by telling her.

This may sound really harsh and mean but his not having a place to go really isn't YOUR problem. It is HIS. It sounds to me that he wants YOU to solve HIS problems when that is NOT your responsibility. It sounds like he has you convinced his problems are your responsibility to solve. Mine did that to me too and I still struggling with it at times. We are adults here. He needs to solve his own problems. If the shoe were on the other foot, would he be that nice to you? Or would he kick you out in a heart beat? I came up with my own plan of getting my own place in case I needed to move out. It turned out I didn't need it because he "volunteered" to move out.

I did manage to divorce him. It wasn't easy by any means but I did it. I'm happy to say that I can now take care of myself and my kids. Now I sleep without fear. Now my kids sleep well. Now I can go to MY home without fear of what he will say or do next. I finally feel free and safe.

I completely agree with baby steps and taking one thing at a time. It is ultimately up to you to decide what you want to do. Here is what I did, in case any of it may help you.

My first step was deciding whether to stay or go. I decided I wanted out of the relationship for my own safety, my kids' safety, and our mental health. You may not have reached a point like that and I can understand that.

Next, I told people (friends, family) I could trust that I was going to divorce him. I also told them I was afraid because of his rages. We came up with a code. We agreed that I would text them a simple code if he went into a rage and they'd call the police for me. I was too scared of what he might do if I called the police with him there.

During all of this, I also kept a journal. I kept it out of the house so he wouldn't find it. I would go to the bathroom and jot notes on my phone so I wouldn't forget what had happened or let him gaslight me into thinking I imagined it all. I would write about it in my journal later. I also saw a trauma therapist who helped me tremendously through this. She helped me realize I wasn't crazy and his behavior was not healthy.

I also got a free consultation with an established divorce attorney. I learned what my rights were. I learned how the process worked. It helped aleviate a lot of my fears. I put an exit plan into place and adjusted it when I needed to.

I got a PO box. I opened up a checking account in my name only and slowly put money into it with a note in the system that no one was to use it but me.

The whole process was exhausting and nerve-wracking for me but I persisted, one day at a time. I'm glad I didn't give up because I've never been happier in my life than I am now.

I agree with the others that no one should go through what you've gone through. I really wish the best for you and that you find what you are looking for. Given what I went through and what you're describing, I understand your hesitation to kick him out. Nothing is ever simple, it seems. Especially when you're exhausted. It's hard to think straight. I really want to give you a big hug. Hang in there. I understand none of this is easy for you.

[WitzEndWife]

WEW, your situation sounds familiar to mine as well.

Thank you for your story. I do realize that it is not up to me to manage his emotions, and that he is likely bluffing when it comes to the whole suicide bit. I don't want to waste my life feeling awful about my relationship. I've realized that, not only does he have BPD, but that our values are completely different. And BPD contributes to those values. He believes that he is a victim in life and lives with a paranoia that nobody can be trusted. He is cynical, where I am optimistic, but critical. Generally speaking, it's not a good match.

The challenge for me is that the more withdrawn I become, the more attentive he is. Suddenly he's going grocery shopping for me, he's cleaning up the house, he's rubbing my back and my feet at night. It's this overcompensation, like, "Please, please, don't reject me. I can feel it and I'm scared, so I'll do these things so you'll like me again." But ultimately it just makes me more resentful. In one moment he calls me "garbage," and in the next moment he's mooning over me and saying, "I love you SOO much!" And he expects everything to return to normal, and gaslights me when I'm still upset.

I'm getting there. I think talking to a divorce lawyer will help me feel more confident, at least, in the best course of action for myself.

[Radcliff]

Wow, I_Am_the_Fire, thanks for sharing your story.  Lala, it is good to hear from you, your story was very much on my mind as I commented on this thread.

Witz_End_Wife, your most recent reply helped me to understand where you are and how you are feeling.  I can relate to where you are, and your hesitancy to bring in outsiders or get your husband in trouble.  My wife is the mother of my children, and we need to co-parent together no matter what, but I called the police on her for the first time last night.  We were in a public place that she had followed me to, and she wouldn't let me get into my car and drive to a hotel.  I knew that if I went home to get clothes she'd probably tackle me or block me on the way out, so I decided to go to the store and buy them.  But she intercepted me and I finally decided I needed help. 

I still feel a little unsettled about what happened but my wife took off as soon as she heard me callling the police and I realized what a strong consequence this is for her.  I decided that I will drive to the police station and make a report the next time she hits me, and this is a big step for me. 

Have you thought more about going to a local domestic violence support center to talk to someone face-to-face?  What boundaries do you think you might be able to set, and what consequences?

It feels like you are being too accommodating of his behaviors, and I totally get it, because that is my life, too...   Maybe we both can make some progress

[WitzEndWife]

Have you thought more about going to a local domestic violence support center to talk to someone face-to-face?  What boundaries do you think you might be able to set, and what consequences?

It feels like you are being too accommodating of his behaviors, and I totally get it, because that is my life, too...   Maybe we both can make some progress

I haven't thought about going to a local domestic violence center, but I suppose that is something I should consider. I know that others have warned me that this mental illness can be unpredictable and that I should certainly be prepared.

Regarding boundaries, I have told him that if he ever rages at me like that again, I'm done with the relationship. I have made that clear. I've never been that scared before in my life and I will never want to be in that position again.

I suppose that I could create other boundaries around name calling and other mean behavior -but what? Other than leaving, there's not much I can do.

My H won't block me from leaving, ever. He'll just threaten to kill himself. Is there something I can do there? Call the police and say my husband is threatening self harm and I need them to de-escalate the situation? Call his mom to get her to talk to him?

Speaking of his mom, she and I get along well, but he talks to her a lot about our relationship "problems." Of course, the conversations are always one-sided and she has no idea that he has chased me around the house, roaring at me. She has no idea that he has thrown and kicked my stuff around. She has no idea that he threw rotten banana on me. None of that. Is that something I should tell her, or should I even bother? If it all comes to a head, I think she should know the full story, lest she try to encourage him or pay for him to fight for his "share" of assets because I "heartlessly" threw him out.

Anyway, I'll at least try to figure out baby steps toward what to do next. I'm exhausted and heartbroken. All of this seems like a monumental effort.

[Jami]

Hi WitzEnd,

having gone through a very similar situation, i feel like dropping a note on this:

Speaking of his mom, she and I get along well, but he talks to her a lot about our relationship "problems." Of course, the conversations are always one-sided and she has no idea that he has chased me around the house, roaring at me. She has no idea that he has thrown and kicked my stuff around. She has no idea that he threw rotten banana on me. None of that. Is that something I should tell her, or should I even bother? If it all comes to a head, I think she should know the full story, lest she try to encourage him or pay for him to fight for his "share" of assets because I "heartlessly" threw him out.

My exBPD's mom and me got along just great since the start. She even asked to look after my son (BPDx isn't his daddy) and took delight in doing a lot of nice "grandma" things with him. She and i talked and met quite regularly to discuss in private. Obviously aware that her son wasn't an easy match, she would inquire about how things were developing at home and furnishing useful, albeit shy, advise. My BPDx also talked with her about our relationship issues, including the hardship of being thrown into a step-dad-role out of the blue. She mostly managed to center him and he would come home calmer, settled and more tolerant. Once my ex started dysregulating heavily, his mom seemed to sustain me and inquired about my and my son's wellbeing more often. She even advised me to make him leave if he wasn't able to behave normally, and ensured me that i did not need to feel responsible for what he would do with himself afterwards. Once he uncovered the complicit bond between me and his mother, whom he had upheld as a saint until then, he got mad, went NC with her and perceived her as if she was a monster. By that time he was already out of home (not because i had followed his mother's advise but because i couldn't take him anymore). During the first phase, he still perceived me as being a positive person in his life (he needed me), while hating his mother and refusing to talk to her. It didn't last long. His downward spiral led him to inverse the roles and at a certain point, i became the monster and his mom was welcomed back into his life. In the heavy conflict that ensued (he bitterly attacked me, although not physically, leaving me scarred and scared for safety), his mom went NC with me.

They were all suddenly gone, him and his mother, plus his dad and stepdad. As if we didn't matter, as if our relationships were insignificant and vane. It was very hard to cope with this sudden, irrational abandonment by his family in a moment when i felt extremely vulnerable and afraid. I still did not understand what exactly has happened. He probably manipulated them into believing awful things about me, or scared them with threats if they would contact me again.

I tell you all this because, in my experience, situation that seem somewhat "established" can easily shift radically in a split second. You may rely on relationships or dynamics that could inverse themselves suddenly, without prior warning. I totally understand how you can possibly feel right now, the exhaustion and the fears, but i wish you the strength to rely on external, neutral persons who can advise and sustain you, whom you can trust to offer safety and well-meant support. Please think about referring to a DV center. You will not be obliged to do anything you don't wish by seeking their help. Just talking about your situation might already do wonders.