My BPD husband

[bollinger]

Hi I'm new to this site.  I just need some support and guidance, just someone to talk to really.  I'm at my wits end with my husband and his BPD.  Life has been hell to be honest and I'm so stressed.  we only got married Feb this year and have already broken up twice.  He got sectioned and therapy a month ago and begged to come back as he said he was better and foolishly I let him but things have not changed at all.  How can someone cause so much hurt and devastation in another person's life that they are supposed to love

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi bollinger 

I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so tumultuous for you. Are you back together currently? IS your husband seeing someone regularly after being sectioned? Can you tell us a little more about what's going on at home?

It might help to read some of the information on the right hand side here - specifically, this might help you understand how someone with BPD behaves the way they do:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

I'm glad you found us. We're here to help.

~DaddyBear77

[confused4now]

Hi! I feel your pain   . That is my story. I was only married for 10 mos and he left me for a month. I am totally hurt and confused. I went Al Anon for a while. It helped, but he has been back for almost a year and I am pretty sure he is involved in some way with another woman and he says he is at work and a lot of days he is not. I am in therapy and that is really helping and I am almost done with "Stop Care taking the BPD". I am depressed because, I never thought of him as mentally ill, I thought he could change if he wanted to. I really did not realize that this was so serious. I found paper work from a DR that diagnosed him with BPD years ago, I have been in denial. I am scared to stay and scared to go.        

[bollinger]

Hi Daddy Bear

Thank you for your reply and the information link.  I'm not sure if the no run message above your message was for me.  Sorry if I did something wrong but as a newbie I'm still finding my feet on here.  I wasn't asking for advice on whether to stay or go.  It would just be helpful to speak to people that are going through or have gone through a similar thing.  My husband is back at the moment but things are still challenging and I feel that I cannot go on with this any longer.  I feel like I need some sort of therapy myself now and have lost a lot of self confidence.  

It's great to know that there are people on here that I can talk to as it feels very lonely sometimes.

Thanks Bollinger

[bollinger]

Hi confused4now

Thanks for your response and sharing your story.  I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing.  It is amazing how stressful it can be and upsetting.  I too feel like I need some sort of therapy now.  I have reached a point now that I cannot go on any longer with this, as painful as it will be to go through a separation process.  Only you will be able to decide what to do when the time is right for you. 

I too am not sure whether there have been other women.  It has been mentioned by friends and family a few times but he has always denied it and I had no proof but my trust has gone now which is not a good thing.

Bollinger

[DaddyBear77]

Hi bollinger,

I'm not sure if the no run message above your message was for me.

No that was not a message to you specifically. That's an automatic message that gets applied from time to time. We ask that other members allow each other to make their own decisions on whether to stay or go. It sounds like you're on board with that, so thank you.

How are you finding things here? Are you finding some information you find helpful?

[bollinger]

 Hi DaddyBear77

I am finding it to be a very good site thank you with lots of support from people going through nearly exactly the same thing as me! I have been reading up on your links you suggested plus more and it has all been helpful.  My nightmare continues to go on at the moment though with my husband as he is refusing to leave my home (I bought this place outright in Aug 14 and only met him in Nov 15).  Everything is in my name and he has contributed nothing towards the daily, weekly, monthly expenses (I have proof of this and detailed spreadsheets which can all be verified with bank statements and credit card statements) I married him in Feb 17 and he is expecting to stay here with me paying all the bills... .so things are tough! I know that I married him and, even though he has no claim to it, it is the marital home and he has rights there but he cannot expect to stay here without contributing to the daily expenses and bills. 

Things will not improve I fear if he refuses to go because I do not want to pay for all the living expenses, his food, hot water electric etc.  He keeps leaving lights on when he goes to bed and ceiling fans and I have repeatedly asked him to switch things off when he has finished with them but it appears to go on deaf ears! Due to the fact that we are in the UK we have to wait 12 months before we can do anything so this could go on for another 6 months!

Bollinger 

[confused4now]

Hi , I sure hope i am posting correctly . we have so much in common . I used my inheritance to buy a home last year. We were only married a few months and he left for a month of drinking, pot smoking, and spending. I was so stupid ! I did not think a man of 60 would have affairs. While he was gone, I became a detective. I found documents on BPD. I found so much it was unreal. After he threatened suicide I took him back. I then became /still am obsessed on finding out what he is doing. I have him tracked, phone included. I found a validation code for "sideline'. I found codes for different email accounts. I see all theses calls he makes to numbers I dont know. He has pass word protected everything. I have almost gone insane. He is so good at hiding and turning all this around on me, I doubt myself. I think I will DIE not really knowing. I think that  is what I need the most. I flipped out and it got worse, it was a nightmare. He would not move out. He did not put 1 dime down on the house, he has kept all his money in accounts that i have no access to or marital rights. After seeing a lawyer, he explained that he does have rights to house. I had to change my game plan. I have been getting a lot of help and changed my behavior. I got to a place where I was not angry. I got in touch with being so very sad. I grieved the loss of all dreams, and fantasies I had about this person. I then started being respectful and firm about a  separation. I did not use divorce, and agreed to work on the marriage while apart. He agreed and wanted 6 mos. I kept revisiting and kept my cool as much as possible. He agreed to 2 mos. The entire time I acted like I was working on the marriage. I was but not in the usual manner. I kept monitoring him as much as I could. I dont know who, but when we are NOT getting along he calls some one who works at the hospital he works at  A LOT, he text  at all hours (not when i am with him) He is not at work most of the time. I need to do this for my sanity, because i start to believe his lies.  TODAY is moving day. He wont say where he is going or what time . I am down stairs just waiting... .I hope he goes

[bollinger]

Hi confused 4now

I am soo sorry for your pain... .I really feel it!

I am sitting here crying for you and for me!

My husband is in a spare room quite happy with where he is and the pain and turmoil he is dispensing!

We will be strong! we will! we will look back on these days and think ... .god we were strong!

much love xxx