Has anyone been able to collect items from pwBPD home whilst they not talking?

[Highlander]

Hi,

My DH and I have not been in contact with his uBPDm for about 12 months.  She has been ignoring our calls and de-friended us on facebook.  When she has disowned DH in the past, any attempt from DH to reconnect with her has been ignored.  If she wanted to reconnect with her son, it had to be on her terms (ie: using family funerals etc).

What my uBPD MIL did last year was so deplorable that DH has decided he never wants to see her again - luckily we live far enough away never to run into her in the street.  His T's have all agreed that 'no contact' is really the only option now – she is just too toxic to ever allow in our lives ever again.

HOWEVER... .DH and I have a lot of things stored at her house.  I don't care so much for mine but DH's wants his belongings.  But more importantly, he wants closure. 

Much of his things are his childhood items he doesn't want to loose.  These are the last remaining items that she can use to play manipulative games with him as there are no other people he has in his life who are connected to her.  Last year, DH's remaining family members also cut him off by what I see many BPD m's on this forum site do, she ran to her FOO with her 'poor mes' and countless lies, ensuring they take her 'side'.

So we can't appeal to other family members to help him.  If he could just forget about the items, he said that is fine but he is attached to them and would like to try.

We are considering writing a letter stating that we want to collect the items and if we don't hear back from her by a certain amount of time, she can forget them.  She may just want to give him his things back, just to see her son , so that she could try, one last time to manipulate him.   The letter and cut off date would have to be stern so she knew that she will not be able to succeed in playing any games into the future.

Ironically, many years ago, she went through the same scenario with her own mother, winging for years to us that her own mother refused to allow her to pick up her items from her mother's house.

I'm guessing we are not the only ones heading into a lifetime of  NC with their uBPD parent with only one last thing to process before doing so.

Has anyone out there ever succeeded in collecting items before total closure? 

We believe what we are about to attempt is near impossible.  Has anyone got other suggestions?

Or I would love to hear other stories. 

[HappyChappy]

So sorry things have turned out like this. It must be hard for your partner to be receiving the silent treatment.

But to answer your question head on, a BPD uses push pull techniques. So when they give you the cold shoulder, they normally still have hooks in you to pull you back in. In this case it’s the silent treatment backed up by your stuff in her house. So I doubt she would give that up without getting what she wants first.

My guess is an ultimatum is less likely to work that slowly softy approach. If she knows the belongings mean something too you (which she will assume anyway) then you’re less likely to get them. So have you considered just popping around to be polite ? Would it be possible that when you go to the toilet you can locate your belongings, so she can’t come up with reasons why you can not take them there and then (because she will) ?

The approaches know to get the best out a BPD tend to run along the lines of S.E.T. meaning use Sympathy, Empathy and Truth when speaking. I’m aware of the irony, i.e. a BPD approach is almost the opposite to this, but a BPD will often be hypocritical. I know it doesn’t seam fair, but a BPD is ridged in their behaviour, so that cuts down our options. There are many other tried and tested communication techniques on this site, see here for details:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

My BPD bangs on endlessly about belongings we need to pickup –even though I don’t have any there. Her last attempt was to write my name on a box of my brothers stuff and then say he did it (I know their handwriting well , but that’s another story). I hope this helps and best of luck.

[Notwendy]

There are ( or were- I don't know if they are there anymore) - sentimental things that belonged to my father that I wanted, in addition to some childhood belongings.

If my mother knows that I am emotionally attached to anything in her possession, she will not let me have it. This is for a couple of reasons. One I think is abandonment fear- if she doesn't have anything we kids want, she may not think we will visit her. She also uses them to manipulate us.

We are not NC and over the years, we have been able to get a few things from her. She is more willing to give them to the grandchildren than to us- and I think for the same reason- fear of abandonment and some kind of control.

When my father passed away, I was disowned and very sad that I could not have any of his belongings. I didn't want the material value- they were sentimental to me.

My mother has also wavered between disowning me and not.

I have learned over the years that the only way to be free from the way my mother is with things we want from her is to be detached from all of it. For me, it was part of the grieving process over my father, and then, his belongings. It has helped that she later gave some of them to us and the kids.

Over the years though, the way she behaved over them and our interactions has also been deplorable- to the point where I don't want much to do with what she has because of what she does with it. If she is angry at me she will leave messages like " I will destroy that little chair in your bedroom" . Or she will say " I gave away all your father's books" to get a reaction from me. She has actually asked the kids " do you want this?" and if they say yes- she says "no".

For me, trying to get things from my mother's house has been part of the push pull. If we make an effort to get something- the more she will hang on to it. We even learned to not react to her " do you want this" . Over time, she has let us have a few things- but not if we push for them.

IMHO, if you go NC, it includes anything your MIL has in her possession. Then, if you do get something, it is great, but not expecting it takes you out of the push/pull dynamics.

[HappyChappy]

If my mother knows that I am emotionally attached to anything in her possession, she will not let me have it... .I have learned over the years that the only way to be free from the way my mother is with things we want from her is to be detached from all of it.

Wow Notwendy, Ditto.  They are so predictable.

[Notwendy]

Yes! And although they are acting out of their fears, it comes across as so mean.

When my father died, I got nothing from her. I didn't want things because of material value but I wanted sentimental things to remember my father by as well as heirlooms for my children. They loved their grampa and had a good relationship with him. If not for family on my father's side, I wouldn't have received pictures of him as a child or young man. They sent me some.

Although she accuses me of "keeping her from her grandchildren" her behavior at this time impacted them- one of them was in tears because he wanted some keepsakes. Although I was able to acquire some later, it was at least a year before my mother considered it- and she had given a lot away in that time. She also had some caretakers who stole family valuables from the home- things we may have had if she had let us have them.

I grieved the loss of my father and really wanted some of the things he considered to be special to him. However, over time, my mother's behavior has made it so we don't want to deal with her over things. She will call me up and say " do you want this?". My response is, "if you want me to have it, send it to me". That's not what she wants so she will say " I want you to come and look through the things and tell me what you want". Well you know how that goes.

Once she said " I am getting rid of this!" and I said "mom. it is yours so do what you want with it". She was furious.

The honest truth is that, I would be thrilled to have any heirlooms. But I am not willing to deal with her over them.


It's interesting to see the contrast in another family. My H's parents have their quirks, but not BPD. When his father died, he collected the memories he wanted without any issue. When his mother moved out of their home, she distributed the things her children and grandchildren wanted to each of them. No issues at all with this. It was very sad to lose my FIL, but keeping memorabilia and heirlooms was not an issue.

[Highlander]

Thank you all very much for your stories,

My DH doesn't really go into BPD forums but I was able to read out all of your responses.  He is beginning to get his head around never seeing his items ever again, although he still wants to put that last ditch effort in to try.

Looks like he will now need to live with no photo's of himself when he was a child.  I think that's what is hurting him the most. 

The only hope we have is that we have a personal item that is important to her stored at our house that we are considering bartering with.  We are still a few months away from making the attempt to pick up his things but I'll surely write here about how we went.